There are some who will fiend interest or perhaps display
genuine interest towards me in their most altruistic displays of wanting to
know me further, but yet physically they don’t appeal to me, mentally they
can’t even challenge me or give me the satisfaction of well prepared conversation.
Spiritually I am at lost, for my soul doesn’t connect to them at all, but with
you…I am settled and feel centered enough to find comfort in knowing this because
it’s you.
I fancy a new interest, extend myself emotionally in hopes
that physically and spiritually there will be a connection, but yet nothing
lasts longer then two weeks of intense conversation, but then like everything
else my carnal constant craving finds it way back to you. There is nothing that
doesn’t center without any given reason and thought around you.
I ask myself…in love there is doubt and grounds for mistake?
Why am I graced again with the burden of a troubled heart, indeed I love the
build up and the sweet moments in between when everything is flowing freely and
with ease, but within every other given moment and life doubt being faced I am
exposed. Why can’t this perfect life transition be as freeing as I anticipated?
Yet again, I am left to doubt and question what appears to
be another dreaded love affair. I dread because I predict and allow my mind to
capture moments in passing and project them to higher magnitudes. Let’s just
say an active imagination is as explosive as a sleeping volcano, and with this
being said my mind is erupting silently and awaiting the big one…and with these
thoughts being pulled fourth I’m about to explode and no longer am I in control
of my far too long suppressed emotions.
The reality of the matter is not only do I give you power
over me, but I credit you with making me feel all types of emotions and in
reality you don’t deserve the credit for my suffering, you deserve the credit
for allowing me to develop these feelings immediately, however, I transferred
them into a story I had created in my mind about you, a story my mind
orchestrated on the belief that you are perfect in all aspects of your life and
we would mutually balance one another, but within my perfecting your image I
allowed my very own image of myself to falter and every chance I allowed myself
to build up my image I tore it down in belief that I would never be enough for
you, due to your limited engagement and commitment to me. I created this idea
around me being the factoring problem, but yet I was enough I just simply chose
to forget my commitments to myself and in knowing this as I interact with
others in my whole attempts at redemption and getting that longed for love
outside of self and experienced with a partner, I cringe.
The point of it all, I love you.
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