Mastering the human emotions

Forced to transition and change with the times! That is exactly what I am facing and experiencing. I can no longer just be or go through life just making it, I can not even hold my head high enough to float above the shallow waters that continually drown me. I must look beyond the horizons and embedded skyline. I must see further then before. I am now in a situation where I hope to dream small and live bigger. Rather than dream large and maintain the small. The middle space is no longer comfortable or spacious to me anymore. I need to change. Having never felt this pressure to transition and change in such a short condensed time, but an experience that will wash over all of my life time has hit me now. I was fighting it and making my most attempts to ignore it, but it has led me astray and backwards. I feel as if I made my spontaneous life leaps to only be pushed down into the sand. This sand is neither light or welcoming and appears eager to encase me.....So I am running away from life challenges, but then I know I can't continue to lonesome road no longer. For each challenge and experienced faced I must admit to my flaws and faults and reasoning's as to why I wasn't quite successful in any one way shape or form area. I must say to myself exactly and entirely what exactly is going on with me. I have always held the ability to draw others in, and listen to their life transitions and issues with their days, but as for me...inability to identify a safe net to discuss my issues and concerns with. I was able to find an outlet in my journal writings, but I even was secret to a secret! How could that be? So recently coming across exercises that encouraged my mind to expand on all horizons has afforded me the ability to just be. Entertaining the good and the bad and finding a good moment in a declining day, mantra's that allow me to refrain from negativity, and prayers that guide me forward is opening the doors I have narrowed and almost barred away.

So my emotional state remains unbalanced, and I am accepting of this feeling and emotional set. In fact I encouraged an equilibrium not as sturdy and steady as expected. I am warring with the world, I am warring with myself, I am at constant defense mode and have set off several attack mechanisms. I fight for the unknown seat of stability that I have blindly marked. I don't trust, belief or have faith in anything outside of St. Jude and St. Therese as well as mother and father god. My dual belief's in the Omnipotent has not riddled me with unsatsifaction, it has increased my comfort level and belief set, however, in the unknown and unseen faith always gets me by, but my faith in what's in front of me, what has existed within me, who has been ingrained and instilled in me remains tested and truly then. In time I have lost love for it, all, but I am gathering strength steadily. I have no idea of my life completion in the trust journey or for that matter believing in self and others....however, I do know that slowly allowing entry way into life experiences will allow me long term balance and peace being still.

So mystery male you entered my mind and interest this weekend. Due to your inability or lack of response I became highly offended. I even thought, what the hell did I do to you to make you go from hot to cold and so soon, but then I calmed the rushing of my thoughts and mind. I allowed myself to not be caught up in the raptures of pure unadulterated attraction. I allowed myself to see that if you were Tully bullshit then you sure would be stinking up the place sooner or later. The idea of dating, and the art and practice of dating and relating rituals has almost driven me wild with thoughts and fear of failed relationships. I must say my dating expertise is truly limited, and my assumed thoughts of and reactions of expectations are truly daunting. As with everything I am aware of my life and situation and goals, and I also know I must disconnect from the social media sites and my mobile web to allow life to exist amongst myself. So I am giving you and my running mad and wild brain a fair chance to relax and breath and allow nature to take its course or discourse......

Lesson Eighty One: Back against the wall......
Another pressured ridden month and moments, but when allowed the ability to see self error and reflect on amending all issues and slights has allowed me to truly see my potential and self doubt. Lack of security, lack of sex, lack of love, lack of belief, lack of spirituality, lack of happiness all combined made a helluva week! So I applaud my ability to bounce right back and start all up and over again, but this time is different. My back is no longer against the wall, but walking directly away from it.

The butterflies or the anxiety flies?

So the newness has taken over me. I am definitely not complaining at all, in fact I am absolutely looking forward (at times) to the new experiences and what not, however, when one is taken with the start of something new, you become almost consumed in the fresh feeling that anything off putting, upsetting, bothersome and off becomes heightened to the tenth degree. So I am batteling the nerves and just generally trying not to think too much. I question normalcy and assumed normal roles within the dating and relating schemes. I mean seriously is it really this hard to date and relate, or am I just that much out of the loop and self absorbed to take note of the pro's and con's in the dating world. The likes and dislikes and assorted flavors of behavior! So much to learn and absorb. So As I enter the dating world my head remains steady and line of vision focused, but my emotional sleeves and armour isn't sturdy enough!

Recent daydreams and daymares as I like to call have caused me to over analyze HIM! Perhaps I am thinking too hard, and longing for that ideal mate and moment to enter in my life, to somehow set things straighter than before (in the dating and relating realm). However, I am only encountering barriers and walls. Although he appears to have good intentions, I question his motivations. Should I give in slightly to his come on's and lines, then I would have easily fallen into his web, but when I appear to be slightly interested and gradually entertained everything appears to be falling into perspective in regards to communication remaining close and upfront and expected when unexpected even. Perhaps this slight weekend break down has lead me to emotional rollar coaster levels! So I can't get use to the previous, and I must expect and prepare for the rest now? I have no idea, all I know is that I am definitely in a transitional phase in my life. My life has evolved several times over and around in regards to the dating and relating, and although every experience is new and different; I am sensing slight similarities, however, nothing is ever quite the same, but this time I am feeling myself entertaining the idea of liking to getting to know and then falling in love. Trusting in someone is never an easy task, but I am feeling a break free moment ideally described as off centering for me. Should I let him in, I am exposing myself to situational choices and more, but am I willing and able to accept this and his challenges?.......

Waiting for a message is like waiting for that second wind of much needed air. I am exhausted from thinking about him, and wondering why in three days I feel tumultuous tidal changes and waves extending far from behind me and drawing me in. The fear of nothing fairing well or ever being right drowns me at times, but for some reason I stay afloat and keep dreaming. Is it you?


Lesson Eighty: Just breath

Writing out a feeling leaves you not only exhausted, but it leaves you with so many misguided words, forming an even larger misguided paragraph, that is eventually read by another misguided being into understanding and acceptance. I breath a sigh of relief because I wrote exactly how I am feeling.

Where do I go from here

Cold feet appears to be my best bet and best friend. I ask myself am I destined and doomed to feelings of uninterest, measured entertainiment of others, and potential down falls of inconsistenacy. I break off a headche of a friendship and whirlwind of a relationship, because I simply can not take the feeling of not being actively involved, in love and beyond the bed sheets living. Am I wrong for wanting more than the assumed norms of a woman's routine with a male mate? Can I simply just have an interest? Must the opposite sex be motivated by one's physical appearance, which later triggers a response inwhich should I play into, I will be defined and destned to just another pleasure piece on the endless board of loved games. I definitely don't want to play anymore, however, I find myself entertaining the bull shit.

So at this moment I am entirely in a cloud. My thoughts and mind stay far from the ground. It's as if I want to forget each and everyone, and begin anew, but when we begin anew we are continually challenged with the ones we need to get rid of. So on this life challenge I have decided that I might want to be a better love games figurine, I might want to actually go forward with these demands and wants of others on my own terms, and by my own rules. Perhaps I have a simple case of the fuck it's, but I really don't think of it as that. I just see it for how life simply is. It's a game, you either are the important players or the supporting case. As an important player you are constantly making moves and in motion. Should I accept the challenges and want to make the moves, I am accepting a fate unknown at times to me, but easily lived by me. I am returning to the point of no return, and no regrets. the point where I could care less who you are and what you are about, it's my interest and motivation that must be appeased. Do I go this route.....or do I go the other route that has held me literally in an emotional bubble for so long. I have simply become someone I am slightly content with......

So enters A new. I am intrigued and interested, but I am looking at the menu and simply I have not passed the appetizer. Oh Mr. Seductive fits all of the amazing choices, however, what he does not know is that I clearly see through the lines and filmy emotional hang up's. Impressionable I can be at times, however, I am not so romantically warped that I could not see his intentions.....It amazes me how a little word games and lip locking luster will make the mind bend your own damn needs. Passion is absolutely contagious, and at times, unmistakable, however, it's truly misleading, and for that I have no idea why I entangle, engage and bother with the whole rituals. As misleading as getting to know one can be, it can also be an experience to remember, and for each experienced I have gained valuable and wonderful life lessons, which I would not exchange for the world! However, it's like a personal mind double DAMN! Can and will things every change and get better? Will the opposite sex differ so much that I could just simply breath and not giggle about all the misled attempts!

So my self offer is to accept this challenge and play it and everything to the fence, recall, remember, excite and ignite each and every passionate flame, with no realistic motivations and intentions I am destined to reign on top with a heart ache, but a helluva memory bank!

Lesson Seventy Nine: I really could care less at times.....

I try to play by the rules, and figure each and everything out, but as life presents itself nothing appears to be getting better and greater unless it's tested, tainted and aged properly. The more I stay calm and entertaining to the bull shit, the more I turn inward and stay away from the uncomfort, challenges and moments that make and break people. I wont hover over anything anymore either. One in a million, and I'm just that one.

So I am accepting of the challenge. Beware!

When one door closes, another door opens

I am not surprised that our door finally closed. I am only questioning myself as to why I allowed our door to remain open. I continued to see the signs of our decaying relationship and friendship. As the dust settled, and the text messages dwindled, our contact, and on my end need for additional with you definitely decreased. As I wrote out my feelings in my journal, I continued to question everything about me and my idea of dating and pursuing a positive and productive relationship. I reasoned with myself as to why our relationship would improve, and that although you looked great on paper, in person you hardly measured up to the human eye. I pressed myself to want you, but I gradually started disliking you. The more you talked, the more I countered you. The more you texted, the more reason to just not reply and delete you, but as with everything life and kicking people out of your life is never so simple and easy. So I stayed with the notion, well assumed notion that everything between us would get better and improve, but nothing really did. Your most recent response towards me settled it all. So on to the next!.................

So enters normalcy.....
Planning and prepping myself for new beginnings.

Shortly written, but valued!

Oh I do Declare!

Perhaps life was always meant to be a challenge, a challenge within a race of never ending torments on my soul. I say this with ease and a smile, but then again I say this with a troubled mindset. My inability to just roll with life and just go has left me open to everything and anything. Have I reached the point of no return, or can I hit the panic button repeatedly and await assistance in this murky mess!
I have not updated my blog as of recently because so much has changed, occurred and happened within a span of 30 plus days. I ventured to an exotic island of delight and surprise, and almost went with my carnal and most intimate needs and wants, however, I refrained from going further because I was awaiting something and someone in response. Barely after touching back to New York City from Bridgetown Barbados, a call from a familiar stranger filtered through my system. He awoken all my needs and wants and hopes and desires, and a sense of distress and almost panic at the disco kicked in. I was looking for flights to Nashville, planning my work scheduled and making arrangements as we spoke, but then reality and life kicked in, and what was deemed an interesting call simply faded to black. I no longer looked for his attention and appeasement. Six years of friendship and an awesome year of intimacy and romanticism forgot. So closing that door I was faced with my now, the occasional text message from a dependable male from Louisiana. The state of hardship, eroticism, exoticism and all that jazz. What exactly was I looking for and attempting to rekindle, restart or for that matter begin. As quickly as my video chat loaded and touch screen moved, so did the fizzled out sense of wanting and belonging. I was asking myself, why am I forcing and pressing the issue of being in love, developing a relationship and perhaps entertaining the idea of starting a partnership and getting married and bearing children? If I can’t see a tomorrow with you, why am I trying for today? So that idea and relationship nixed and fizzled. So on to the man whom I deem my new found love, my interest that has captivated me for a year. The man whom I can see no wrong, or want no harm to come to, but then he says perhaps one or two things, or perhaps his actions aren’t well received by me and then he goes on the shit list again, and I begin to wonder why did me the fool fall in love. Although my assumed amor expresses otherwise, and guides me right back into the senseless state of loving him and wanting to continue to love him. I have no idea why I even care or feel for him, or have an inkling that he will redeem himself and make his way through, but I will never deny my love feelings for him, whatever will occur which isn’t occurring is what is trapping my mind. I step away from him by pulling myself out of an assumed environment and starting all over again, but am I really safe from my heart?
So enters two new male interests, one is smooth and calculating and has my interest piqued, but his associations and baggage and just outlook on life isn’t appealing to me, but yet again a smile text and bubbly conversation keeps the interest going, will I further explore and entertain, I don’t even know. Second interest, well he has entirely an interesting mixture, baby mama drama, ACS involvement, a sense of civil service and exactitude to his fellow “brothers”, but am I feeling him? No. So what do I do, send the occasional hello response or reply right back. NEXT!
What is there about love and loving and the levels experienced and expressed by others in love? Like seriously, love wants to live here, but at times love doesn’t live here anymore. I question my sanity and mindset and even look within looking for answers to unanswered questions, however, I must always stay on top of my own personal situation and needs and wants. It’s like a never ending story, with always a new beginning and unfinished middle part, but I’m not afraid, I dare say that! I think of Mary J. Blige and the beat to “All I want to Be Is Happy” and my head automatically bobs in unison. By the book I try to be in regards to loving and learning to love, however, I am not and no longer fault myself. My happiness is sought by my inner longings to conquer my emotional cravings and yearnings. If I am at fault for experiencing life, then so be it. Hurt, sad, happy and mad I am emotionally craving it all.
So I return to my blog in a newly designed state. A state of appeal and interest, and a newness to want to sample them all and still have my plate. A plate of intent and not truly selfish needs, because ideally I know what I want and desire, and I am looking forward to seeking that and more. Perhaps the 30’s began with a huge bang for me and a tumultuous slide with decisions and choices not truly known to me, but as with a popular saying “that dollar could of bought lotto”, I am illustrating to myself instability to stability to known and the unknown. “I’m ready”!

Lesson Seventy Eight: Welcome to the fold!
Texas hold em, or New York work it! So my little break from the written world has allowed me to go through the peaks and valleys and experience and further express my needs and wants and desires, but what’s more amazing is welcoming the unknown and fearing nothing. In my needed moments guidance has always been there and prevailed. Whatever it is the continues to propel me further, and allow me coping skills and survival mechanisms continues to afford me the mindset and destiny of a woman living in the moment to the fullest!

Making minor waves.......Tsunami you say?

The week has went entirely by me. I have had major highs and extreme loves all in the span of an entire 7 day stretch. So the idea of leaving New York is enticing me. I am being romanticized no longer by the limitations the Big Apple has captivated me with. I am no longer wearing my blinders. The sky is the limit, and if I continue to look up and away I will never stop moving. So New Jersey beckons to me, and I welcome her in my life. I have made the ultimate commute and sacrifice to transition to and from work and social activities, and then turn around and go back "home" to New Jersey. I have always had wonderfully relaxing times and experiences in New Jersey, so why not test the waters again.

As quick as time, I contacted my cousin and made the choice to leave New York City, Brooklyn to be exact! Behind. I decided that there is more to my life then living in a ratty old neighborhood, doomed with decimal abusers, and also, party peoples all over the corners and streets. I would not mind walking into my neighborhood and not seeing a living, breathing soul until I entered my place of residency. I would not mind walking around my neighborhood in it's beautiful beauty and solitude state. I would not mind leaving my New York experiences and ties behind. Starting anew and fresh is what is being said, and that is something that interests and entertains me the most. I am needing a new freshness and slice of life, that will propel me forward. I am needing to try something new and set my soul and spirit free.

So in transitioning to a new state I am transitioning my mind, heart and soul. It is you that I notified and must leave behind. You only questioned me as to why I am leaving, but then you readily understood and I have heard nothing from you since. I am thinking that perhaps you will express your true feelings towards me and for me, however, nothing has come of you and me, and obviously nothing has changed. So with that being said I welcome a new day and age of where I am wanting, but no longer needing and sacrificing for. I had a terrible experience occur to me two days ago. The deathly hollows of my life was presented to me. I was unable to attend to my slightest needs or make the pain and feelings of going off the deep end transition away. For in just an instant my life literally changed before my eyes, and as I laid in my self imposed silence and stillness and began slipping away, all I could remember was going through this moment by myself. I had no one to contact or call, and even though this incident was a case of emergency I dealt with my anxieties, and in my face fears, as well as long term hopes in such a shortened state. I didn't want to leave or end my life on a such a shortend note, by such a freak of nature and accident. Attempting to enjoy a blissful smoke, and I ended up with the side effects from the great beyond. In that instant I was fighting for more than my life, but I was pushing past everything that has crowded and stunted me. I at the very moment of complete dispair was able to pull myself physically, mentally and spirtually together and connect, and plead for my life and the saving of it. Whatever it was I ingested, well I wouldnt at all touch it again, and I valued myself more than ever before. SO as I think of him who continually pulls and pushes me away, I am not fighting for his love, and attention anymore. I am not pushing for his acceptance, for I have accepted it all. My fate is no longer in his unloving hands, but my reslove resides in my own. I fought like never before, and I knew it wasn't going to be an easy battle, but as I write this tears spring fourth from my eyes. If I can survive this, I can survive anything. Amen.

I can continually release you, but I am not. I am moving past you, because I can.

Lesson Seventy Seven: Remember it like it was yesterday......
I am entitled to being happy, content and within my own world created for and by me. I can and will transition forward and beyond, because I can. Afforded the abilities of free will, I am going to utilize every breaking moment. I am free.

Routine

So I am falling into myself as never before. Well perhaps as before, but more defined and pretty much open to changes and transitions, as never before. Routine....I have a few, but then again I don't stick to the same routines I have developed.

So my dreamed about vacation, and break from New York City living occured. I along with my two best friends vacationed in Barbados. We stayed at an amazing resort, which not only catered to our needs, wants and all included desires; the vacation allowed us to simply be and live unstressed, and as relaxed as possible. I was exposed to a different, but familial and familiar culture of exotic peoples. The weather battered us, but brought us out and about in at times torrential rains. I truly enjoyed being in a tropical location, able to see the vast and limitless skies, and able to rest and relax with balmy tempered waters. I slept well, ate well and was entertained well. I truly am feeling renewed.

So in my most renewed state my fantasies have met me. I continue to dream and entertain a former lover, and self deemed soul mates expressive emails and role play scenes featuring us in our most intimate and passionate positions. Do I go further and allow a definite past to become a definite future experience? I don't know.... Door number two opens to a male friend whom I have love feelings for at times, but then other times I have no apathy towards him. He appears apologetic and missing me. I don't know if our unspoken distance has allowed him to see the strain on our friendship and assumed relationship, but I am long gone from him and have emotionally checked out, but yet I read his messages. I am attempting to find a happy medium between us. Perhaps we can remain friends, but then again I question myself "where we ever friends"?......The man of the moment who has my heart, who silently calms my emotional waves, and is the tide and rip current that moves me. I am wishing he was right beside me. Sharing my bed with me, me cuddle close to him and lay my head on his vast chest. I love his smell, and mostly I love to see him lay back. I love when my mouth is on him and over him, his confidence and comfort ability with me, arouses me to new points of passion and pleasure. As you can see my love for him is more defined then just bed mates........

So on vacation and all I gathered my thoughts and took from all learned that I actually started having a romantic and relationship routine. Missing your lover, the daily communication, and night time conversation. Missing the connection and connective pieces. Allowing your day and evening to coexist with your lovers. Entwined in such a way that not experiencing a day, moment or gathered routine with your lover throws you entirely off the daily chart. The only thing righting you would be your lover.

So throwing care and concerns to the wind and embracing them all, I still love you. I have denied you each and other waking moment and space in time, but yet I come right back to you. For with you I am most appeased and content, and without you life does continue on, but in question. So as I vacationed my mind and soul, my body remained hovering back home in search of you. Did you know I love the way you snore, and the way you turn your head towards me. When you embrace me, and place one tree limb of a leg over me. I love that and more. A smile, a laugh and a giggle is all I need to hear from you and I am instantly relaxed. Just thinking of the recent moment(s) we have had, or shall I say routine happenings between us, I am excited for where things seem to be going, but then again I don't want to become overly confident and mistake computability for commitment either. It's a waiting game between us, and each day I am saying to myself should I stay or should I go, I don't know......but as each day passes I am embracing you more and more. Routine.

Lesson Seventy Nine: Never forget stability, and never compromise instability.
I am learning more and more each day, and having the ability to translate an emotion into written feelings and statements, allows me to clearly manage where I see myself, and where I am soon heading. Although situations, people and time may be fleeting, what is experienced is for ever more emblazoned in our minds.