The Chase: Until we find our very own balance and sense of self within love we will always be looking and never quite finding what we truly need.

To give love out freely, but yet to walk away from a potential heartache yielding no expectation or desires to resume it once again has become the guiding force within my very own current existence. I have lived my emotional life gravitating to those whose hearts needed to be shown love. As I gave out all of my love and affections I soon realized that there were limitations of the heart when it’s not mutually reflected. You can’t continue to Nurse other peoples ailing hearts as your very own heart decreases in its size and productivity.


 Accepting the no expectations, no responsibility modules I was able to sail through life without thinking any further. To sustain myself in a losing battle of love I always thought it was best to keep your emotions and experiences at bay, but then I started to follow my heart and yet it attracted people who needed Nursing and healing, and yet again their awakening was seen as my ending. I limited and challenged myself at the same time. I faced an opposite with a futuristic outlook and then I started to awake. If you test yourself you will always feel pressured and forced to respond with the right answer, although you may never know what exactly is the right answer you will continually fear being wrong, so with being wrong you would have learned from so many attempts that you begin to then close yourself off from further deduction and problem solving from within. Although I fear, I also explore. I dream, but yet I doubt. I attempt to balance one with another and open my eyes to the present waking moment, and within that balance I was able to slowly uncover what I haven’t really been able to embrace in almost 33 years of life…Me.

 Acceptance, understanding, compassion, love: My most recent four agreements and guiding forces that continues to nurture a wavering and unyielding soul. I have accepted the fact that people will come into your life for a reason. Their reason may not mirror your very own, but there is a message to be deciphered, and within that message you will find all the answers you have ever needed for that very moment. There can be no temporary me. I was created to give and receive love, and for me to respect and understand love I needed to experience a greedy love, a self-centered love, complicated love and a rejuvenated love. It took accepting, experiencing and learning about this love to appreciate my solace and reconnection period within myself. What we give others should be given back equally! I can say that through each experience good or bad or indifferent, I have regained a new found sense of self and just what I wanted and needed in this life, and as difficult and emotionally draining life can be it’s also meant to be lived, explored and loved!

TIME is the Ultimate healer of all: Learning to age and love with grace.

Noticing in life everything happens within reason, and that there is a sense of responsibility and control we must have in order to see our most interesting life and circumstantial outcomes to occur; we have to experience life in every given moment. So in this given moment I decided to progress forward within my life experiences. Everything is up for review within the eyes of others, but within my very own eyes I have already decided that this moment in my life I will pursue and go forward with what has been naturally planned. The fear and doubt that resides within me will always surface to the top, but the design of my life and most passionate physical and mental connected experience to date has arrived, and I am already at this station ready to hop on this life train!

When reviewing my previous state of mind throughout my 32 years of living and loving life, and looking back at partnerships, relationship and intimate experiences that have left me emotionally available and open for so much more than I was ready to experience at that time, but then now I look at everything that is placed before me and I say to myself it has been handled previously within my life experience, but now life history repeats itself and I must make myself available for these lesson to be learned! I believe that everyone enters your life for a reason and the more you learn and study from the person the more your life lessons will be revealed to you. My sense of attracting uncensored, unloved or unloving hearts or emotionally indifferent lovers bothered me at one time. I thought there must have been a sign on my forehead stating that I am a 24/7 social worker for all, but yet I continued to attract the “type” until I started looking within. Everything that is clear is neither clean or streak free from dirty residue.

 No one particular moment in life is perfect, and neither is anyone so it’s a matter of learning about your lover, taking what you need from them and figuring out if this attracting soul fits within your life fold…taking this step and looking from within and gathering my emotional self and expecting a different outcome, allowed my heart and mind to settle on the notion of a no conditions kind of love! It took me years to get to this point, but I am aware of myself and moving forward with level of understanding of personalities outside of my very own, and never being disappointed in the blessings in disguise and life changes. I have an open mind and an open heart and I am eager to love and learn about the happiness of this life. The upsetting point can occur when I think about how long it has taken me to get to this point in my existence, but then I think to myself that I would have not been able to handle these life responsibilities years ago, so I am thankful for the aged gap and the wisdom and knowledge! Learning to experience a love like no other is in fact a challenge to the senses.

 A compromised love can have you rethinking your place in life and within the moments of your choosing, but then you realize that there always will be you before and after the love, and you must hold true to your individual beliefs although life, emotions, love and the art of mastering love is always something that sets your heart to the wind. Everything is meant to be experienced. Everything is meant to be challenged; otherwise it would not be LIVING!

Tasting of the Divinity of a truly Passionate Soul experience...Can I handle it?

A connected force of a shared union can be pulling to the point of a choked hold. As I stand amidst the potential ruin before me, I must admit that neither a sense of fear or defeat comes over me. 

I could allow these moments to literally define my current life situation. The passionate embraces and clipped times spent together could add up and branch out into something, but am I willing and patient to see whatever this situation is developing into?

As with life we take chance moments and happenings for granted. We become greedy and get a sample of something that intrigues us and we instantly devour it. We don't allow the natural state of digestion to settle in or the feelings that occur when we ingest and really allow our taste buds to hone in on why this taste so good. 

This analogy I associate with life and my intricate take on passion and my romantic stance and life. Even when the fruit is forbidden we don't take time to ingest the most sweetest and bitter parts. We greedily swallow whole and hope for the best, but when an upset stomach or gas occurs we finally take the time to see just what caused this issue.

So as many times as I can talk myself into a situation and definitely out of a situation, I can easily learn to take time and understand it. When people enter your life you have to honestly tell yourself that nothing is forever, and although we as human beings have the tendency to see life in hours, minutes and seconds to days, months and years; that temporary forever still remains nonexistent, because at any moment what we once knew and had and cherished could be removed right before our eyes.

So does this explain my greed with wanting to swallow life whole? I don't want to sink into the depths of understanding, when the discomfort, upset and irritation of knowing could be harmful and hazardous to my sanity and health, but yet I want to succumb to the limiting feeling of existing and just being, without getting to the absolute bottom of the experience and working my way right back up towards the top. It's at the root life begins and ends. 

I am challenging myself to be uncomfortable, to stand corrected to absolutely get to the bottom of each situation and reason as to why people enter my life. The more I am becoming absolutely comfortable in my very own surroundings and my own company and space, the more I am learning that this inner peace extends outside of yourself and the very walls you are working to break down.

As to the situation of romantic heights, I am afraid yes, but I am willing to allow life to unfold before me, but not with blinded eyes, or rose tinted lenses, but with big beautiful green eyes. I have the ability to remain whole and complete and intact, but I also have the ability to allow myself to be pulled in many directions, lose focus and go unguided, but I won't allow the untested and uncharted ways of my life and the world to have a handle on me. 

I remain open to tasting a love so deep!

Like the Lotus Flower: Faithfulness...rising above the murky waters for the achievement of enlightenment.

When there is no worry or concern or care you will notice that all of your decisions are no longer based entirely from a logical point, but they are based from the mind eye and the heart. Genuine are your responses and feelings to anything that will stimulate a response that deepen your receptiveness to anything or anyone that visually engages you.

If you could gather the feeling of floating in air, or walking through fire perhaps you would understand just how emotionally entangled and committed I have become. Clearly my logic and cares have abandoned me, but yet as disruptive as these feelings are I have welcomed them without any cause for concern or alarm.

When placed in a happy space and position with life you welcome anything that brings a smile upon your face. Whenever I made attempts at deciding how life would occur and happen for me, I noticed life simply stalled and cut off on me. It wasn’t fair to be going through these life motions, but in order for me to be perfectly present in my now- these life happenings needed to occur. I am thankful and graced with the tools to acknowledge life, before it passed me by entirely.

It was within the unknown that I knew everything would be ok. It’s within the vulnerability that I also knew that everything would find its right position in life and take its well-deserved stance. It’s also within the belief that perhaps this time I got it right, my mindset welcomed it more.

So within the cast shadows and the distant memories stillness has enveloped me.

There is more to the Hearts eye, that matches the minds eye...which then becomes the window to our Soul-

Having taking the time to literally battle myself with the idea of the inevitable, I have finally allowed the existence of what was meant to be be. As it became I started to literally think about the numerous times when all I wanted to do was guide and direct it to where it needed to be. Well received by me, with an open heart and wings of best intentions. There would be no need to allow anything to unsettle my mind and the devised plan that I prepared before me. As with everything I assumed life would be controlled and sustainable and something that I could literally guide to it's fruition, and so everything appeared to have gone easily until my heart decided to literally defy the magnetic fields of pull...

 If love could be tested and bought to the attention to all as a scientific reasoning of it's study, then I would be the prime candidate for observation. I would literally give all my experiences and sense of self to have my love measured. When I sought love I was nearly blinded by my passionate need to have everything I wanted raised up before me in the best visual field, so I could exam everything all at once and make my decisions, but this time love was cast to me unknowingly. I knew him, but I didn't really know him. My desire for him continued to grow and build, but as my desire and interests in others remained his love shined differently and more vibrantly. A complicated and less expected love was placed before me, and I willingly started to allow it to seep in. Everything that I had previously experienced with other forms of love, other peoples when in love and my reactions to other types of love when I was in love was not met with opened arms...everything that I knew before about love and my experience within love was forever erased.

 I write this out and can title it blind faith, but yet I welcome it into my life. A life that was rather complicated in the thickening of romance and relationships, a life that was less travelled by the faintest heart...but yet I continued to rise to the occasion and ride the waves of truth. I would not allow my weakened stance within the realms of a lover's arm to deter me. I would not. As easily as a blackboard was cleared and erased so was my hardened heart and the previous years and experiences to date.

As easy as a magic wand being waved before my very own eyes my heart was freed, and within the

freedom my heart allowed for you to exist. You comfort me in my time of need. When I reach out to you, you allow yourself to be fully present even when your constraints and earthly vibrations afford you many places to be, but yet you remain at home with me. How is it that you are compromised, but yet you walk freely around as if there is no barrier between you and I? How is it that I finally feel safe and content within your arms, and know no other in such a short time?

 There could be no love greater than a blinded love with the emphasis and respect of a higher love.

She Knows...

With so much visual stimulation the mind can become quite pleased with being a people person, and oriented in the ways of passion with the benefits of pleasure.


 Am I forcing myself to conform? I say that with such conviction because it sounds just about right. Currently, I am looking through the rose tinted lens and at no one in particular- Is it selfish to only want what you want, because every other possible outcome serves as limiting? I am stifled by conformation, and when I say conformation I make mention to say that everything that has limitations on it becomes stifling.

My zest for the journey when I search for that one true love continues to bubble to surface too much former residue. The residue that is attached to a healing hurt is the guilt feelings attached with the past. I look back and wonder what was it that allowed the relationship to sink below.

There are so many reasons, and factors in the previous relationships that listing them all would only reflect a one sided opinion. So I journey towards the continued development and nourishment of my own life. If emotions were food I literally would have eaten my fill several times over. I also noticed that my love for some has been with conditions, which has allowed me to pursue the relationships with a lessened need to further it outside of my very own expectations. It’s difficult to see yourself in such a light, but it also affords you the opportunity to see just who you have been, you currently are and where you are looking to further yourself at and in a particular area of your life.

 I may write about my adventures and misadventures within the realms of love and life, but yet I am saddened by them when revisiting those experiences. Was I ever truly loved by my partner? Did I truly ever give my entire all, or was I continually limiting myself in each experience? I can only answer by saying that the emotions I register from general interest within a partner, physical appeal and attraction and mental stimulation has become the fore front in a lot of my decisions, but what I have countered and at times dismissed was my inner yearnings and gut instincts when I began to feel out the person. I literally had my answers available before me (Don’t go there…listen take your time, there is no rush…let it and him go), but yet I continued to push myself forward needing to make my best attempts at finding my true love, I didn’t want to miss any opportunity and wasn’t reflective in my choosing, which in essence stifled me. The more I saw with my very own two eyes was everything that a relationship I had envisioned wouldn’t exist in. The more upfront and stern I had become when addressing my needs, the more
I pushed them away. It has literally been a cycle of temporary success. So now, I see for myself that I have not entirely given up on the idea of finding the actively in love situation, because I like, I have liked and I have lusted for some. I have even expressed momentary love for the person, but I wasn’t deeply in the trenches in love, and so what is getting caught in my emotional drainage is that passing love.

Nothing to claim as my very own, and it’s within this battle I have come to accept the temporary as passing interest, but now I am wanting and needing so much more from an experience that it literally impaled my aching heart when I started to see just what I attracted is what I have become… The Journey Continues!

A Universal Love - There is levels to it, but yet one level remains in Question.

The codes for love and when being in love are undeniable. It's as if all these years I have been flying on auto pilot when I love, how I love and with whom I loved. I never truly allowed the depth and intensity of love to entirely seep into my soul. I loved to languish at just the right point of suffocation, when my breathing became labored; my pulse continued to rise and the logical part of my mind was temporarily disabled, until I began to understand the value of a universal love.

 Love Level 1 My family at times could be the center of my frustrations and pains. I could recollect a memory that literally had me laughing uncontrollably, yelling loudly or have my eyes brimming with tears. There is an infinite happiness and sadness with family. You will have upsets and disappointments, moments of complete isolation from one another or banding together throughout the toughest times. However, throughout it all we remain bonded from childbirth to adulthood. It’s within this unconditional love, that one would understand the personalities and differences amongst each other, but yet are able to retain the relationship, choose to deepen or develop it further or work to resolve misunderstandings from life pangs. Yet again I must ask how is it that we flow so easily in this aspect of a relationship, but yet we are left lost at sea in other relationships.

 Love Level 2 The love we have for our friends is uncontested and never questioned. We flow easily into our roles amongst each other. The loyalty, mutual respect and obvious display of affectionate ease and best intentions continue to increase throughout the duration of the days that transition into months to years. The level of individualism and shared life experiences continues to grow, creating a free flowing relationship that is neither competitive nor indifferent towards one another’s growth level. There is no jealousy or behavior that would place your friendship in question. It's like magnets connecting for the first time. How can we retain this natural state in one aspect of our relationships, but yet when placed in another level of love our minds draw up a blank? How could this be so...

 Love Level 3 A respect level that is supposed to be mutual, an understanding level that is to be guaranteed and a willingness to actively listen, explore and deepen all levels of communication in a romantic relationship is to be desired for. So with all my levels of love and the different types of relationship in’s and out’s there is nothing left to question. All roles are played well with no tutorials. So yet again, I present the question to myself…If I can flow so smoothly and without too much of a life bump within my familial relationships and friendships then why am I having such a hardship when faced with developing a relationship that mirrors my standards, life lessons experienced within the realms of friendship and family life?

My acceptance of myself should always mirror my willingness to develop a deeper relationship with my potential life partner. I have allowed shallowness, inability to develop a uniformed communication system effective for our own individual development and relationship building to form. My initial instincts of weighing potential partnerships, evaluating the friendship and intimacy levels are jaded. I can label it as emotional indifference, anti-conforming relationship behaviors, stubbornness or a variation of several things, but yet nothing stands outright to me. Am I clouding my decisions and choices, by selecting the ones who value nothing more from me then what I eagerly give? I guess finding myself at the starting line isn’t pretty inviting, but then again a job, a story and life is never done. It’s revolving and something I continue to learn about and discover. On this journey I challenge myself to dig deeper, go a lot further, understand my mate and not just for the physical attributes, the intimate and passionate connections only, but the ties that will bind a formerly overcast present.