Road Block: A Lover's Twisted Tale of the Journey

No matter how much space you put between yourself and your emotional baggage you then begin to realize that what you never really gotten over or found some closure with will always remain a disruptive something that will taunt your future love objectives.

What I am realizing is that there is so many endings to my most vivid life stories, but yet I am making my most attempt to sort everything out. I have loyalty to my own personal feelings, deeply imbedded in being my main provider and cheerleader and flower child at heart, while retaining a radical and at times determined lover of life and everything in it's most passionate presence stance.

At this time I am thinking that life is so amazing, but yet it has some challenging fits. When you attempt to find placement for some within your lives span and heart everything begins to lose focus and all clarity and vision sustained has ended. All I am left with are my thoughts, my ideas and most basic concepts about love, life and the pursuit of my all. Whatever that may be.

The blockage I am experiencing is based on not really knowing where I stand with someone, and not really wanting to question that stance but then my emotions get the best of me and I outwardly react towards my inner feelings unexpressed. My excuses for not stating anything to him becomes my reasoning as to why we should not be together, and then I start questioning myself. How can someone with no power over my heart, mind and soul have so much say so and entrance into the depths of my inner pathways and knowledge. I easily anger when I don't hear from him, I easily mood swing when there is a delay in message, photo contact or even the simplest receptive form of communication.

If this was anyone else that I had no connective ideas or ties with, or someone I referred to in a casual stance then it would not matter to me. I wouldn't even mind the distance, the non communicative days and empty messages.

The question I am posing to myself is WHY...why are we able to fall into our most unwanted interests, but yet when we desire someone so passionately we are unable to present it to them.

Acting the way I want to feel

To feel your welcoming kiss or the tightened embrace from your arms cinched tightly around my waist as I look directly back at you and then upwards towards the caption-less skies. The limits are never ending and the perks are unlimited.

I am embracing love as never before. So many times I have embraced negative people with their negative feelings and emotionally draining and gut wrenching lives, but yet my life never even mirrored their very own nightmares, but I was soon quickly captured in an unplanned reckless dream. So as easily as I practiced melancholy or silently slipped into the emotional vacuums of others, the forgotten idea of creating my own destiny and living my best life yet was placed on hold.

As I allowed my emotional being to be challenged and even simply pressed open by the impressions of others, the dream of simply existing in this chaotic world was being smothered, until the saying "Act the way I want to feel" literally swept me away and challenged my very own essence.

Love is what guided us

Love is what we always need

Love will set the chained souls free

Love will be love when unloved

Love is the highest Love

So when I surrounded myself by positive thoughts and feelings I slowly embarked on freeing my emotionally frayed soul. I was dented and maybe even bruised, but love allowed me to act in a way that bought it full circle and back to me. Love eased any pain, doubt and frustrations and the ability to see a challenge as a life plan and a lesson afforded me clearer vision, controlled responses and a calmness like no other.

So in acting the way I want to feel I will say I am going to be acting responsibly. I am going to be acting deeply and passionately and ever present as before. I am going to act as if this moment was the only time we had to spend, so I would value and utilize each second wisely. Im going to be acting as deserving of the romance, passion and love befitting of a soul mate wishing to reconnect with her destined and to be desired for other. I am going to act as if words don't hurt and cut so deeply, a chink in the armor...sure...but a life crumbling and world straddling moment...NOPE!

                             Mission love and being responsible for acting the way I want to feel.

The Lover in ME

Take over...absolutely an endless tour of all the available love muscle values in the name of L.O.V.E

This emotion is neither too easy nor distinct to be defined by just a simple relationship experience, a lusty happening or a budding romance.

To date there have been many emotions associated with my heart and how it's receiving and at times reviving it's interest with significant or potential other(s)...there is not one feeling that can define each experience and with knowing this my heart remains on the go for it has not found anyone that is allowing a set emotion to distinctively develop.

There is beauty in holding back and not being emotionally available or receptive to just any appearance of genuine interest. A clouded mind is the worst possible situation to have. The inability to mingle and mix experiences, and also, compare and contrast the emotions who's and who has not struck a cord within you...well all of this would not be possible when the mind is under singular focus.

Taking a step back and accepting the fact that everyone who enters your circle is neither an instant or long term hit, and that the beauty in balancing and viewing everyone who presents themselves to you is a unique aspect and tribute to your belief that eventually there will be that one who will make everything previous and presently a distant factor.

So, I have decided to continue to pace myself and express my interest, but not allowing a speckle of interest to out weigh the long term benefits of a newly found me and you.

Within the Chaos

I want to be dismissive. I want to rely on all the mixed messages and intentional slights and doubts caused by the lover whose best intentions offers me the worse comforting feelings.

I want to hear the heart broken never ending up and mostly downed love fanaticism that exists between the worst of lovers.

Is it within this comfort that my madness simmers? I literally am propelled to chaotic heights suitable for the ultimate love trickster.

But yet this doesn’t soothe me with the endless nights and incredibly vivid dreams. Wine drunken stupors of violent endings, but yet I vilify you just to make due.

I can’t even sink in the darkest of doldrums riddled with hate and disinterest. Even when I attempt to be mischievous my bleeding heart wails for you. I can embrace and entice another, but my mind is only on you.

Why is it when you instantly feign interest with another your world slowly crumbles slowly, ever silently and unbeknown to you.

How will I ever right the wrongs

My thoughts are at war with the obvious…it’s just not happening how I had hoped for, expected and planned. Disappointment has set in and the idea that this was all a cruel dream has pulled all my heartstrings.

I have been on my most improper and nonchalant behavior, but do you think this would even put a damper in the feelings of utter rejection that have been created by my simplest thoughts of you.

Another fantasy short lived. Another imagination full of unlimited hugs and kisses. The thought of “there is more” the belief that it was mutual and experienced at the highest level no longer exists. I pardon my hurt, my inner doubts and my desire to erase everything I have known and know of, because yet I still remain hopeful that you and I will exist.

The utter reminder of my past experiences and how presently perfect you remind me of my former loves…everything cant be happening as so and if so what am I to learn from this heart ridden sorrows?

I guess not everything needs to be explained.

Yet another experience that I could not identify where it started or where it began to sink and went absolutely wrong, or if it did go wrong? I have so many unanswered and doubt ridden questions.

Why is love a deceiver to me? Why do I feel as if love will never love me back?

Best Intentions.....Not to Think to much!

In all fairness you should be able to seek out love as if you vying for vengeance. The love answer searched for and desired should enclose your entire world and being. Give you a reason to stop? Absolutely not!

At the present moment my need to finally exhale, let my hair down alongside with nurturing a feeling only a safety net of a budding and developing something could herald over me, and just when I feel the comfort begin to set when realizing my interest have been piqued here comes my intuitive feelings and instincts.

All at once I feel overwhelmed with the thought that perhaps this is yet another disappointing experience that might lead me to another path less traveled on and more likely to annoy me more than ever, but as with everything I am giving these hard felt moments the benefit of doubt.

Maybe I am rushing the obvious...simply remain partial to friendship, the interrupted life moments that allow you to continue on with your daily without wondering about the why and whereabouts of your potentially budding lover friend, but then again I wonder why should I trust my instincts and my heart felt inner emotions when they are at large unsettled and all over the place and at best complicated and excessive.

I simply continue to pray for the relief of my emotions, and the acceptance of allowing my mind and heart to remain in unison, but no longer complicating any matters with thoughts about thoughts as if a storyline is reading like a bestselling crime novel. As I breathe this breath in just just now I am freeing my mind from it's emotional hold and pull.

So YES I will experience these uprooting emotions all at once, but I must and will honestly confront my feelings even if the projected recipient of my buzzing interest and love doesn't necessarily seem receptive to "The Talk"...

It feels good to release that mental blockage and sweep the pathways of love clearly and ever so presently.

Love the Highest Love

I walked into my future and in a mumbled tone I stammered out "I met my husband"

As faith and fate may have it there is something universally cooking within the horizon. I am absolutely convinced that as everything is planned and as life goes and may have it I have been blessed with the opportunity to experience my inner most guttural passions and roars.

Kindly allowing myself to accept these emotions and uncanny feelings that continually amount as the days transition into long lonely nights where my mind passionately teases me of what is to be. At that moment when I feared the most of settling and life being too good to be true I allowed the silence to overcome me.

There is no such thing as a chance happening, for if it was a chance you would have knew nothing about it or encountered an experience so moving it literally held you captive in a nostalgic utterance.

I can tell you so many times when I looked behind me and I saw what I formerly held in my pathway but internally knew that there was absolutely more, and within this known existance I trusted in the universe to guide me.

So as I write this I am no longer questioning my desires, intentions and universal pull for a loving love like no other, a love the highest of loves. The bubbling of satisfaction and anticipated glory pleases me.

Exhale.