Speak to me...

Listening to your stories of frustration or you making your best attempts at correcting past and present behaviors, or even rewriting your relationship history; I have given you my undivided attention and opinion and even planned out your best course of action. 

One thing I forgot to make mention of was asking about ME. Just where do you see me in your present life? Am I a thought to you, and have you even attempted to explore the possibilities of connecting with me. I mean we get along well, we have that undeniable understanding and obviously your attention and even time is drawn to me. 

So what do you say?

Sometimes I have this intense daydream whereas the man of my interest takes up entirely too much of my time. I started to think about how it would be to experience him again, and in what instance would it make me forget about everything I am currently going through now. I love a good fantasy and even horror novel, but life can truly be tricky especially when you pursue the ultimate happiness of what you think adulting in relationships and life is supposed to be.

I literally want to eat a greasy piece of Pizza Hut's pepperoni pizza, lay on my couch and flash through Netflix while the background music takes me away as I await the call of the night. Who will I pretend to be phased by or entirely engaged in our conversation beyond the physical yearning of what I really want you to do...

Ah, the moment(s) have slipped past me and well I am here now routined out. Being responsible and living in there midst of fantasies, dreams and desires encircle me. I don't know what I am entirely wanting from this year but it is to be on the edge of everything. The edge of his dream, my dream and staring in someone else's dream. I am desiring it all, but wanting nothing at all. 

So what do you say?

2024 you have been good to me, and I am thankful for it. You are opening my eyes to the dating and relating world like no other and finally I have parted with someone who was just a pin up on the wall. A stroke to my ego and even a dagger to his heart, but yet I felt good letting him go, blocking his messages and even page. We were never ever good for one another and yet someone had to leave. A finality that I desired. 

A continued dialogue between us. I am wondering when, and how and even where? 

And so...I am allowing my interactions to build and speak volumes to me. Influence and encourage me but never defy me. Everything is a lesson. Everything is an experience, it is my time to sift and sort through it all, but I am ready. 

Speak to me.

The awakened mind: Lover lay down

There is a level of comfort within commitment. There is a level of consequence within inaction and there is a level of growth learning how to balance it all.

To sum it all up my Spring to Summer 2022 transition has taught me a lot about life in general, my current and past partnerships and just as to why I no longer connected with the few that at one time there was a held breath and hope for potentially something breath taking and life changing, but yet we are here, and the lesson learned is when you miss a train don't get upset simply smile because it truly wasn't meant to be.

The why...

Well I was always looking for a reason as to why we never worked. I was looking for a detailed and direct answer even clearer than before. I never really asked you outright as to why you never chose me, but wanted me more and more after your life choices no longer supported you and worked in your favor. The kind of sort of friendship between us has remained, but there was always this feeling within myself that I was never enough for you and I was pretty much a secondary selection for you and because of your life situation not working out for you, you had given up and settled on me.

 Initially I was entertained, and I was thinking perhaps this was a life fate and a possibility for us to fall into one another, discover love, life and the endless possibilities of growing together, but yet there was always something that held us apart. I could never get into a healthy and supportive schedule with you. I initially expressed excitement and genuine care when preparing to visit you, but once I was around you I started to feel a disdain, a disconnection, disappointment and simply stated not engaged or interested in furthering anything anymore. Oh I tried, mentally to prepare myself for you, physically to be attracted and interested in you, allowed my mind to not divert to former lovers and passionate encounters or even movie scenes that brought instant feelings of satisfaction to me; because I knew there was nothing more with you. I had love for you, but wasn't ever in love with you. I couldn't even say lust because I was never that engaged with you, and I think you knew, but I didn't know. 

I always held onto the notion that I was slighted by your decision to live your life and choose someone else, but then come back to me when all failed and no longer served you...but I recently discovered that I held onto a notion about "we" that never truly existed. I think I created within my mind expectations, outcomes and probabilities outside of truly getting to know you, and throughout all of these years I am just now realizing that I have finally let the notion of you go and it wasn't even about you, it was about what I chose to hold onto and not let go. I internalized being disappointed, not chosen initially and then attempts at you winning my affection and love would fill that self created hole, but it only deepened my despair.

With all that said I realized the power of the human mind. The ability for one to simply cloud their mind with thoughts, assumptions, expectations and outcomes of people we don't really like, we have no initial interest in and well they are simply not our first choices, what holds us is this fantasy that we will someone how become the selector or selection and all will work from then on, but it's not as simple as that. Every experience varies, communication isn't clear there is constant static in the air and the wonderous of love, life and relationships is not even close to what we had dreamed. It's an entire mess, and we have chosen to participate in the realities of this new life trauma. 

Get into the thick of things. Experience and explore, but trust your instincts and intuition and inner guidance. You know what serves you, guides you and supports you. Obtain your closure, no longer accept the minimalist of experiences and want, create and desire more. 

                                                       Cheers to the awakened mind!

The Romanticism 10 plus years and more...it continues.

The reminder to continue to blog about love, life, and the personal pursuit to reflect on moments in time that needed a little more self-expression, introspective reviews, and simple a rapid written response and publish immediately! 

So within a year of time, there is so much to reflect on, remember, and remind me as to the continued growth and pursuit of a loving experience. In the confusing time of supposed love I thought I knew it all, and to now finally getting a piece of that divine pie I am reminded daily love is a consistent place of communication, compassion, active work, and moments of introspection. Two individuals not on the same shared life path, but journeying together and finding comfort and ease in one another's world. One of the hardest things in the world is to share your existence with another, preferably an adult, and to continue to balance a shared path while maintaining your individual journey. How can that be possible and so you ask?

Every day I learn the value of shared time and then the seconds, minutes, and hours I have to myself. To work through, adjust, and validate. I make time for self-care, teaching Soul Yoga, and also, maintaining my professional schedule and time. Being involved doesn't exclude the life you held before, in fact, there will be times in a long-term relationship where you're grateful for your independence and ability to have a life outside of your partner. There will be times when the day's stressors and pressure are too intense, and you both will need to recharge, and regroup, and it's within this unique time that you continue to explore and discover what validates you.

The fairytales and romanticizing of the perfect relationship is what gets us in trouble, There will be shared ups and downs ad individual issues experienced and mutually shared and expressed. There will be a time when things are turning into the most difficult life puzzle and you will need your individual time to reorganize and get it together, but all is well as long as it's expressed openly, honestly, and with respect and love for your partner honoring their words, experience and what they were feeling and going through at that time. The ability to maintain your cool and commitment to self and the learning experience and growth within your relationship.

I have opened my mind and heart to learning about the path shared between two but traveled by one.

Welcome back!

Finding Strength That You Never Knew You Really Had.

As the months have rolled and at times roared on by, I have had unique opportunities to learn more about myself in times of tremendous stress and crisis, I've been granted the ability to develop an unconditioned love that has shown me that throughout all of my relationships and experiences in life and searching for the elusive "love" it was never too far from me. In fact, love was always within me, I just kept looking within others whom I deemed loveable and ready for love to have been the answer, but disappointedly so my heart was never truly abandoned because I maintained the love for myself. That is when it ALL made so much sense and the exciting memories when in lust because it was never really love, just life experiences that mounted into a burst of remote responses that garnered fleeting reactions. 

So within these months, life has gifted me with a true experience. An experience that doesn't separate the feminine and masculine energies, but builds on the two. The distinct but dual experiences that literally walk side by side with one another are honored when both parties commit to honest communication, values one another's placement within each other's lives while uniquely blending the two experiences with shared dreams, everyday life experiences and living, friendships and family ships and the growing of a bond that's to never be broken. That is when we realize that everything that brought us to this moment in life was absolutely everything that was needed. 

My writings are personal but are a way for me to resolve the unanswered questions during that moment I was within them. My writings allow me to say the unspoken words, release and relieve myself of the doubt, disappointment, and the cutting of my ties with that moment in my time. As I look back now I can't help but smile at the future. There was a time when the days ahead where blurry, even the hours ahead were in a fog, but yet the resilience to continue to want to learn about the conditions and types of love and creating the environment within myself to not hold a grudge and to never ever go back when the path ahead was obviously pointing forward. 

Another life nugget is just knowing that you're able to simply hear your spirit move within. Your silence to life distractions and intentionally ignoring that distinct stomach or AHA sensation within that is letting you know something needs to change. When you decide that listening to your created silence with the backdrop of trying times and a world ablaze no longer greets you. The heard inhalation and exhalation of your breath. The sensation of your body collapsing into a self-created bliss and finally giving in to the natural sensations of life, love and your own individual pursuit of what makes you happy. It is then you knew what love is. 

So I will continue to drop memorable life and love hacks and notes and resolve some of the relationship mysteries, but I will honor the love I am sharing with my partner who wholly honors me as a woman, as a partner, as a friend, as a confident, as a lover and spiritual connection. The love within myself was like a guiding beam which he found. We have similarities and differences that bring us together. We also share the vision that we believe in a love that is to be tested by life experiences and daily living happenings but never doubted by inner corruption, self-doubting and defeating thoughts, and allowing the influences of negative people or entities to define us. We have crossed many lifelines, but now we have come to the moment when we know we are everything we need. No outside interruptions, no self-doubting or deprecating thoughts. The unique and genuine development of a lasting love based on inner faith,  life experiences, and allowing life to catch up and allow you to be ready.

Deep in the stillness within

Sitting and waiting and expecting a miracle to occur with these potential life partner matches seems to be the sure route to long term and relationship longevity, but within the in-between is a distinct mix of nothingness and loneliness that invades my soul and sinks ever so deeply within. I try so hard to not think about the disappointment when these situations don’t work out in my best interest, and I am left dealing with the aftermath of the broken promises and endless forever after dreams. I’ve mistakenly dared to dream of endless love and all the dreams that occur in between. I thought my forever after would be my forevermore, but then again nothing lasts forever.

Do I get angry and stay closed off, or do I vow and venture out for more lessons to be learned for the men who claim an interest in me. Is it me or do they want to see me? I mean there is nothing like having someone see you in your entirety, but then there is something that occurs when the wrong person sees you and makes everything appear as if it was alright. There is a lot to be said for a person who swoons right on in and makes everything appear as if it was meant to be.

I existed before him, but that loneliness and lack of emotional connectivity shared between two loving souls was piling on me. I would stop and start romantic interludes as if they meant nothing and created no harm for my mind, heart and soul. I would stop and think about it briefly, but then I would simply venture into a state of a revolving need and want more then a basic interlude. I finally admitted to myself this morning that I didn’t want a casual affair or surface relationships, I absolutely wanted more. I wanted the continuation of a partnership, I wanted to the realness of a shared union; of us experiencing our up’s and downs and going through many changes be it good and tough, we would eventually get in tune and allow the changes to sink through, but I wouldn’t allow basic fears to compel me to sabotage a potentially amazing relationship opportunity that not only allows for me individual growth and changes, but it affords me the ability to exist on many different levels and test the overall framework for the life and love that I always knew could exist.

So as I open myself to the reality of my situation, I realize that my fears continually attracts what I don’t want and the distaste and doubt bundled with the fears are finally let to the side. I dare say that I am venturing on another journey of sorts, milestones that need to be met and the momentum that needs to continue to elevate in a continuous stream of practicality. 

You…

I simply want you to know what you want, need and desire in our initial meeting. I want you to not doubt anything that could potentially envelope us in the warmth of a loving relationship. I want us to exist as a whole…and to this I say I want us to bask in creating our future.

Distant memory: Thought I knew!

I want to ask a few questions about us, but I dare not inquire. I want to open my eyes up towards you and tell you all my truths, but I will never press forward because we no longer matter. Who would have thought that my love for you has been silenced and put away? Who would have thought that I would no longer share in the triumph and adventures that we had once had when the nights get lonely and I want to cling to you rather than my pillow I always think back to the day when we just couldn’t keep away from another?

Our interactions today are muted, I don’t even know who you are anymore. Our bodies have been disconnected and my mind is long gone from loving you. I physically miss you and I was wondering when I would be able to let you go entirely. My thoughts on moving forward with others continue to center solely on physical interactions, drizzled with a little romantic dots here and there. I’m not asking for much, but then again I’m expecting the world. So I am currently in space whereas I have left, but there are times when I want t to revisit and stay…but I know I can’t and don’t so I let it be.

So I am channeling my most inner will power to continue to remain optimistic and open to the world of like, loving and enjoyment. I have decided to venture out and put my interest levels out into the universe and gather each experience with grace, curiosity, and guidance.

My memory of you occurred this morning at the earliest of the day. I missed you and the scent of you enveloped my entire essence. It was then that I realized that it was never you.

The Air Feels Different: With my best intentions

My inner calm is being called into question. The initial knee jerk feeling of instant lust which rapidly defines the way I relate to a liked interest totally wasn’t present today. I was calm, clear headed and not thinking on a feeling or even having a feeling. I was purely engaged in the moment at hand. I was listening to his stories about himself and dating and relating experiences. I was intently listening to him, while I was doing a self-check within accessing how I was feeling during our initial meet, checking my expectations for the time being and seeing exactly where I was at with this date, this moment and this man who sat before me. 

I was calm and content; my emotions were in check and my mindset was focused only on the present moment.

 I felt at ease and not in a rush to go over potential boyfriend, mate, and life partner qualifiers. The never-ending list of attributes of wants, needs and must have features to be desired for. If I allowed my attention during the date to wander off in the land of match making I would entirely be lost, but not this moment in time. I looked at him, and continued to stare with interest and wonder about who he was? What motivates him to get up and out of bed each day? What does his love look like and feel like per him? Has he ever been in love? What is love?  These questions all popped up in my mind, as soon as they flooded my brain waves I started to silence them instantly. I wasn’t going to overwhelm my mind with objectives, goals and end dates and expectations. I would confuse my mind, trouble my heart.

He is: Gentle and courteous and compassionate. A gentleman, patient and passionate. Setting his best intentions, easily understood and not overly complicated or overwhelming. Kind and considerate and openly caring.

What the hell was I dating before? These qualities were not even existent for me as I previously dated. I was looking high and low and searching all around for the signs of a lover whose interest in me would never be questioned, his core values in regards to dating and relationships would never hold his perspective partner in suspense. It was as if he flowed organically and my soul was at ease.

I’m not rushing to judgement.

I am feeling acute interest with a side of balanced order.

This time it feels different.