When one door closes, another door opens

I am not surprised that our door finally closed. I am only questioning myself as to why I allowed our door to remain open. I continued to see the signs of our decaying relationship and friendship. As the dust settled, and the text messages dwindled, our contact, and on my end need for additional with you definitely decreased. As I wrote out my feelings in my journal, I continued to question everything about me and my idea of dating and pursuing a positive and productive relationship. I reasoned with myself as to why our relationship would improve, and that although you looked great on paper, in person you hardly measured up to the human eye. I pressed myself to want you, but I gradually started disliking you. The more you talked, the more I countered you. The more you texted, the more reason to just not reply and delete you, but as with everything life and kicking people out of your life is never so simple and easy. So I stayed with the notion, well assumed notion that everything between us would get better and improve, but nothing really did. Your most recent response towards me settled it all. So on to the next!.................

So enters normalcy.....
Planning and prepping myself for new beginnings.

Shortly written, but valued!

Oh I do Declare!

Perhaps life was always meant to be a challenge, a challenge within a race of never ending torments on my soul. I say this with ease and a smile, but then again I say this with a troubled mindset. My inability to just roll with life and just go has left me open to everything and anything. Have I reached the point of no return, or can I hit the panic button repeatedly and await assistance in this murky mess!
I have not updated my blog as of recently because so much has changed, occurred and happened within a span of 30 plus days. I ventured to an exotic island of delight and surprise, and almost went with my carnal and most intimate needs and wants, however, I refrained from going further because I was awaiting something and someone in response. Barely after touching back to New York City from Bridgetown Barbados, a call from a familiar stranger filtered through my system. He awoken all my needs and wants and hopes and desires, and a sense of distress and almost panic at the disco kicked in. I was looking for flights to Nashville, planning my work scheduled and making arrangements as we spoke, but then reality and life kicked in, and what was deemed an interesting call simply faded to black. I no longer looked for his attention and appeasement. Six years of friendship and an awesome year of intimacy and romanticism forgot. So closing that door I was faced with my now, the occasional text message from a dependable male from Louisiana. The state of hardship, eroticism, exoticism and all that jazz. What exactly was I looking for and attempting to rekindle, restart or for that matter begin. As quickly as my video chat loaded and touch screen moved, so did the fizzled out sense of wanting and belonging. I was asking myself, why am I forcing and pressing the issue of being in love, developing a relationship and perhaps entertaining the idea of starting a partnership and getting married and bearing children? If I can’t see a tomorrow with you, why am I trying for today? So that idea and relationship nixed and fizzled. So on to the man whom I deem my new found love, my interest that has captivated me for a year. The man whom I can see no wrong, or want no harm to come to, but then he says perhaps one or two things, or perhaps his actions aren’t well received by me and then he goes on the shit list again, and I begin to wonder why did me the fool fall in love. Although my assumed amor expresses otherwise, and guides me right back into the senseless state of loving him and wanting to continue to love him. I have no idea why I even care or feel for him, or have an inkling that he will redeem himself and make his way through, but I will never deny my love feelings for him, whatever will occur which isn’t occurring is what is trapping my mind. I step away from him by pulling myself out of an assumed environment and starting all over again, but am I really safe from my heart?
So enters two new male interests, one is smooth and calculating and has my interest piqued, but his associations and baggage and just outlook on life isn’t appealing to me, but yet again a smile text and bubbly conversation keeps the interest going, will I further explore and entertain, I don’t even know. Second interest, well he has entirely an interesting mixture, baby mama drama, ACS involvement, a sense of civil service and exactitude to his fellow “brothers”, but am I feeling him? No. So what do I do, send the occasional hello response or reply right back. NEXT!
What is there about love and loving and the levels experienced and expressed by others in love? Like seriously, love wants to live here, but at times love doesn’t live here anymore. I question my sanity and mindset and even look within looking for answers to unanswered questions, however, I must always stay on top of my own personal situation and needs and wants. It’s like a never ending story, with always a new beginning and unfinished middle part, but I’m not afraid, I dare say that! I think of Mary J. Blige and the beat to “All I want to Be Is Happy” and my head automatically bobs in unison. By the book I try to be in regards to loving and learning to love, however, I am not and no longer fault myself. My happiness is sought by my inner longings to conquer my emotional cravings and yearnings. If I am at fault for experiencing life, then so be it. Hurt, sad, happy and mad I am emotionally craving it all.
So I return to my blog in a newly designed state. A state of appeal and interest, and a newness to want to sample them all and still have my plate. A plate of intent and not truly selfish needs, because ideally I know what I want and desire, and I am looking forward to seeking that and more. Perhaps the 30’s began with a huge bang for me and a tumultuous slide with decisions and choices not truly known to me, but as with a popular saying “that dollar could of bought lotto”, I am illustrating to myself instability to stability to known and the unknown. “I’m ready”!

Lesson Seventy Eight: Welcome to the fold!
Texas hold em, or New York work it! So my little break from the written world has allowed me to go through the peaks and valleys and experience and further express my needs and wants and desires, but what’s more amazing is welcoming the unknown and fearing nothing. In my needed moments guidance has always been there and prevailed. Whatever it is the continues to propel me further, and allow me coping skills and survival mechanisms continues to afford me the mindset and destiny of a woman living in the moment to the fullest!

Making minor waves.......Tsunami you say?

The week has went entirely by me. I have had major highs and extreme loves all in the span of an entire 7 day stretch. So the idea of leaving New York is enticing me. I am being romanticized no longer by the limitations the Big Apple has captivated me with. I am no longer wearing my blinders. The sky is the limit, and if I continue to look up and away I will never stop moving. So New Jersey beckons to me, and I welcome her in my life. I have made the ultimate commute and sacrifice to transition to and from work and social activities, and then turn around and go back "home" to New Jersey. I have always had wonderfully relaxing times and experiences in New Jersey, so why not test the waters again.

As quick as time, I contacted my cousin and made the choice to leave New York City, Brooklyn to be exact! Behind. I decided that there is more to my life then living in a ratty old neighborhood, doomed with decimal abusers, and also, party peoples all over the corners and streets. I would not mind walking into my neighborhood and not seeing a living, breathing soul until I entered my place of residency. I would not mind walking around my neighborhood in it's beautiful beauty and solitude state. I would not mind leaving my New York experiences and ties behind. Starting anew and fresh is what is being said, and that is something that interests and entertains me the most. I am needing a new freshness and slice of life, that will propel me forward. I am needing to try something new and set my soul and spirit free.

So in transitioning to a new state I am transitioning my mind, heart and soul. It is you that I notified and must leave behind. You only questioned me as to why I am leaving, but then you readily understood and I have heard nothing from you since. I am thinking that perhaps you will express your true feelings towards me and for me, however, nothing has come of you and me, and obviously nothing has changed. So with that being said I welcome a new day and age of where I am wanting, but no longer needing and sacrificing for. I had a terrible experience occur to me two days ago. The deathly hollows of my life was presented to me. I was unable to attend to my slightest needs or make the pain and feelings of going off the deep end transition away. For in just an instant my life literally changed before my eyes, and as I laid in my self imposed silence and stillness and began slipping away, all I could remember was going through this moment by myself. I had no one to contact or call, and even though this incident was a case of emergency I dealt with my anxieties, and in my face fears, as well as long term hopes in such a shortened state. I didn't want to leave or end my life on a such a shortend note, by such a freak of nature and accident. Attempting to enjoy a blissful smoke, and I ended up with the side effects from the great beyond. In that instant I was fighting for more than my life, but I was pushing past everything that has crowded and stunted me. I at the very moment of complete dispair was able to pull myself physically, mentally and spirtually together and connect, and plead for my life and the saving of it. Whatever it was I ingested, well I wouldnt at all touch it again, and I valued myself more than ever before. SO as I think of him who continually pulls and pushes me away, I am not fighting for his love, and attention anymore. I am not pushing for his acceptance, for I have accepted it all. My fate is no longer in his unloving hands, but my reslove resides in my own. I fought like never before, and I knew it wasn't going to be an easy battle, but as I write this tears spring fourth from my eyes. If I can survive this, I can survive anything. Amen.

I can continually release you, but I am not. I am moving past you, because I can.

Lesson Seventy Seven: Remember it like it was yesterday......
I am entitled to being happy, content and within my own world created for and by me. I can and will transition forward and beyond, because I can. Afforded the abilities of free will, I am going to utilize every breaking moment. I am free.

Routine

So I am falling into myself as never before. Well perhaps as before, but more defined and pretty much open to changes and transitions, as never before. Routine....I have a few, but then again I don't stick to the same routines I have developed.

So my dreamed about vacation, and break from New York City living occured. I along with my two best friends vacationed in Barbados. We stayed at an amazing resort, which not only catered to our needs, wants and all included desires; the vacation allowed us to simply be and live unstressed, and as relaxed as possible. I was exposed to a different, but familial and familiar culture of exotic peoples. The weather battered us, but brought us out and about in at times torrential rains. I truly enjoyed being in a tropical location, able to see the vast and limitless skies, and able to rest and relax with balmy tempered waters. I slept well, ate well and was entertained well. I truly am feeling renewed.

So in my most renewed state my fantasies have met me. I continue to dream and entertain a former lover, and self deemed soul mates expressive emails and role play scenes featuring us in our most intimate and passionate positions. Do I go further and allow a definite past to become a definite future experience? I don't know.... Door number two opens to a male friend whom I have love feelings for at times, but then other times I have no apathy towards him. He appears apologetic and missing me. I don't know if our unspoken distance has allowed him to see the strain on our friendship and assumed relationship, but I am long gone from him and have emotionally checked out, but yet I read his messages. I am attempting to find a happy medium between us. Perhaps we can remain friends, but then again I question myself "where we ever friends"?......The man of the moment who has my heart, who silently calms my emotional waves, and is the tide and rip current that moves me. I am wishing he was right beside me. Sharing my bed with me, me cuddle close to him and lay my head on his vast chest. I love his smell, and mostly I love to see him lay back. I love when my mouth is on him and over him, his confidence and comfort ability with me, arouses me to new points of passion and pleasure. As you can see my love for him is more defined then just bed mates........

So on vacation and all I gathered my thoughts and took from all learned that I actually started having a romantic and relationship routine. Missing your lover, the daily communication, and night time conversation. Missing the connection and connective pieces. Allowing your day and evening to coexist with your lovers. Entwined in such a way that not experiencing a day, moment or gathered routine with your lover throws you entirely off the daily chart. The only thing righting you would be your lover.

So throwing care and concerns to the wind and embracing them all, I still love you. I have denied you each and other waking moment and space in time, but yet I come right back to you. For with you I am most appeased and content, and without you life does continue on, but in question. So as I vacationed my mind and soul, my body remained hovering back home in search of you. Did you know I love the way you snore, and the way you turn your head towards me. When you embrace me, and place one tree limb of a leg over me. I love that and more. A smile, a laugh and a giggle is all I need to hear from you and I am instantly relaxed. Just thinking of the recent moment(s) we have had, or shall I say routine happenings between us, I am excited for where things seem to be going, but then again I don't want to become overly confident and mistake computability for commitment either. It's a waiting game between us, and each day I am saying to myself should I stay or should I go, I don't know......but as each day passes I am embracing you more and more. Routine.

Lesson Seventy Nine: Never forget stability, and never compromise instability.
I am learning more and more each day, and having the ability to translate an emotion into written feelings and statements, allows me to clearly manage where I see myself, and where I am soon heading. Although situations, people and time may be fleeting, what is experienced is for ever more emblazoned in our minds.

Turn back the page...

So on with social newness, and upward mobility acts. Learning to enjoy simple company and amazing entertainment via friends, new friends and as always the lovely family. So decisions and choices have made up my weekday and weekend. I started off with my cleaning of my apartment and recollecting my past week. Sexcapades with a male I assumed I have serious love feelings for, sexcapades with a male whom I have this attraction and annoyance to and for, and lastly the closing of a toxic long distance relationship with an undiagnosed male, who unfortunately can not see the road to perdition, or the light at the end of the tunnel. So effected by his surroundings and childhood, he began damaging his interactions and relationships with others. I questioned myself, why did I stay and indure his sarcasm and mean spirited moments? Why did I allow myself to not see the detriment this particular male, and our on and off again relationship was causing? As always I can honestly say to myself "I told you so", so as I closed out this relationship yet again (two times and hopefully no more) I am paying attention to the type of people and relationship the stirs me. I am learning more about my wants in needs in each failed attempt, and from each failed attempt I am taking a lesson and new learned life plan with me.

So I ask myself do I really love this man? Why do I entertain and be bothered with this other man? Can I truly be alone, but involved and engaged with another, but on my terms? What are my terms? What are my undefined and sought after needs I am dreaming about? I realized that I can be alone, but I also realized that I can have that appropriate, sought after relationship, reliastic and honest and balanced on both ends, however, in order to recieve I must pass on the following: relationships that are dead ends, and pose no gain to myself and my needs. A relationship with a male, who pretty much has my life on his terms, and runs things by me when he is ready. Patrionizing and superficial conversations, or having that sirface relationship. In order to have depth and dig deep, we must experience and face life at face value. Love and lust do not run hand in hand. What sexually attracts and appeases you for the time being, will not always hold you for a life time. If there is no gain and connection, and nothing to be wanted and desired for by another, then why bother? Time is of essence. Life is ever changing and an amazing experience. Happiness is to be taken and for all it's worth. A life time of unhappiness, bitterness and anger will not suit anyone well. Love is beautiful and freeing.

So I have decided to continue to socially date, but I decided to sexually commit to only myself. I am cutting my lovers strings and ties to me. Invisible as the connections may be, it is the unseen that corrupts me. It is the unseen that has labled me as noncommitted and focused. It is these strongs that have binded me to others. I take my life scissors and I cut away you and you and you. My three you's have literally dissloved before my face. In regards to my dating experiences, I passionately welcome life, because it is innocent and toxic free. There are no strings attached and the only prerequiste is to enjoy it, and take it by it's hand. For which I will do.

Seeking solace in prayers and meditations and my own personal talisman have afforded me freedom and insight with my thoughts. I am freeing myself from unnecessary weight, and toxic beings and experiences. I am allowing myself to see life with another and in a partnership with meaning and definition. My own defined fears and terms of single life, and issues within relationships, that would never be experienced by a single female who was committed to herself only. I value and love myself, even through out these times and tribulations that are being faced, but I never gave up hope that one day my love and life would be defined by one simple statement and act. With each experience and hardship faced I have grown and become the person I am set to be.

So enters the man whom I have loved from the start of my adult life. The man who has imprinted within me. The man whom I call my lover, and bestfriend. I let him go because I could not understand the condition and terms of my relationship with him. I let him go out of anger and not once, but several times, but yet he has come back to me. Has he come for me? Can I wishfully hope that he will save me from me, and our love would have with stood time and distance? Yet I know there are changes that are to occur. There is a decision to be made about me, him and us. I am just now scratching the surface of this relationship.

Lesson Seventy Five:
Learning to let love be. Learning to acknowledge the hurts and the pain and genuinly move right above it all. I am flying high, but never too high too not take it all in. Gracious and thankful for each experience.

Another Chapter Read........

It takes reading your life book to truly realize all the pages that have been turned and re read again and again. The book I am creating and authoring all myself. This book I envisioned a lot of changes and transitions and "do overs". So enters a closing of a life chapter that I am finally coming to terms with. Over the past two weeks I have finalized my summer vacation to Barbados with two of my best friends. I have accepted my love for someone I have harvested feelings for, become emotionally attached to in a years time, explored ideas and options and possible relationship thought set with my love interest, however, time and pain and life's reality settled in. I began to stop wanting what just could not happen and occur with him, and I began appreciating the friendship once again. Yes, we are still intimately connected, but it's not as costly as before. Love will always remain, but time has been of essence, and it has not prompted any further happenings, so I released it and him, and just became me all over again. Detaching myself from him has shown me where I want to be, and that is simply HAPPY.

So welcoming in my 30th was an amazing blessing experienced with friends and family. I ate well (Thai food)and drank exceptionally well, I sang my heart out at karaoke and truly was amazed at the happenings of the night and the days to follow. I entertained dates, and also, looked forward to meeting up with friends. I allowed myself to think outside of the box, and I am not expecting anything more or further from anyone. I can only expect my reactions and predict my possible outcomes. All I can do in regards to pulling you, or pushing you further in or away from me is our truth and reality, which is to be faced. No more living with a life veil over my eyes, protecting me from reality and basically my future. I can not live for you, or conform to your ideals and life's standards, as with you can not live just for me, and change or transition your life to what I envision and see for truth.

So as I laughed, smiled, entertained company and became sexually optimistic and sensual, bored and in through, wet and open to ideas and ready for that pressure, I slowed each moment down and really thought to myself......I am asking for you (whomever he is) to come to me. I want to be free from life's stressors, to enter my life as unscratched and unscathed as possible, to save me from myself and discouraging thoughts and life acts that aren't pleasing to me anymore. As you (he) knelt over me to enter me I really thought about my sexual self and needs. I thought about the position and the connective tissues, and blood vessels opened to the rush of red passion. The burst of an orgasmic flame, or missed connection. The undulated swivel of my pelvis and mound on your body. My legs opening wider and I gasping louder and louder. At that moment as intense as ever, I thought to myself where am I going? If I want something from you, shouldn't I be living my life as such? A good life, of a reserved female awaiting her prince charming. A life of being patient and letting time and soured experiences go by. In passing I am twiddling my thumbs still optimistic and hopeful? I question this, and my rogue and renegade self says fuck as much as I want, cum as hard as I please and exclaim all mishaps, hurts and relationship strife's to the world. But in my self deprecated state, with my legs open and self exposed to the world I listen to my hurting me. I long for love and a relationship. I give in and up too easily and I doubt myself and discourage each experience as a mistake and a knock on myself, but then I hear an unknown voice reporting back to me that my life is meant to be explored and challenged. I am meant to feel, love hard and learn hard, but with each battle I must learn better stratagems to prepare myself for the licking of my own wounds self inflicted, or assumed lover inflicted. I am to hold my head up high and go forward with no fears at all. For each life lesson, a life map is revealed. I am right where I want and need to be. I can't settle for life's assumed norms or allow others to dictate what is good and great for me, for they don't breath, live or think like me. I welcome opinions and critics will always be there, but in the end I will remain the writer of my story, and for each chapter I write in my self book I intend to explore, expand and resolve and evolve all at once. Cheers to the fucking tears.

So as this chapter opened and begins to close I can not help but think about the forces of nature that almost impose a "to settle" attitude on me. I almost got caught up in just settling, but life again showed me the red flags. When in doubt and uncomfortable let it go. Intuition is not only your best friend, but the solid benefactor of you believing in it. Living out of the seat of my pants has provoked and exploited me all at once, but in essence where would I be if I didn't step outside the life lines.

Lesson Seventy Four: Believe in ME

When you rest your head you are you. When you awake and turn around, you are thinking of you. When you dream those big dreams, they are entirely exclusive only to you, but they demand the attention of an evolved you. Although we make mistakes, and at times tear ourselves up and feel slighted by life and tired by the assumed picture perfects of others, we have to remember we are exactly where we want to be. I can not smile for you, but I can smile for me. My faith in you will please me, but belief and faith in myself propels me.

What matters to me the most

In a world where everything appears to be temporary, and easily discarded; I realized several things over my holiday weekend. One, I dislike my current career path and the stagnant feelings I have grown to just deal with, whenever work becomes drama filled with a side of headache and definite annoyance to go! I am not pleased with this sense of ease and accustomed uncomfort. In fact, it took being talked about by a co worker to realize just how easily one is here and gone the next day. Hearing someone describe me in a way that questioned my abilities, integrity and overall work performance, well it just burned my insides and steamed my vision. I decided on this fourth of July Holiday of 2011, independence will not only ring in memory of our nations most ardent and fought for battle of 1776, but independence will ring for me as I begin to renew, search, discover and embrace the person I am yet to fully visualize and be.

Secondary epiphany,my rocky and at times disdain for my love life and the lovers involved in them has taken a turn for better......hmmm I have not mysteriously fallen in love, or have been swept away in my most vivid dreams. I have just decided to really appreciate and value myself more, and become what I am looking for. I can not ask you to be emotionally available and intelligent, when you are cold and as closed off. I can not request your interest and time, when you have neither in me or in have any time invested in yourself. I see the brick wall, which slowly has been drizzled with concrete and impenetrable military secret mixtures, that has created the all too consuming and blocking emotional wall. No matter how I try to see, and want to see it, you and they will never be there for me. Interest and like can just go so far, and well I am neither interested in those two, so with that being said I decided to not only adopt, but become the spokeswoman for realism. Being true to yourself and facing your once deemed disasters and life problems head on. No longer fearing responses, or problematic outcomes because once it is out in the open, it is to be read openly. So with that self reflective moment I am letting go. My back to the world, my arms spread wide open. My trust and connective net of safety is and has always been with and within me. I am allowing other experiences and moments in time to address my needs and wants and fulfill life's dark spots and soak up any and all clouds. Blessed and fortunate I am, to be able to be afforded the many opportunities and life experiences, so why not utilize them and work with them rather than against them? Cheers!

So in comes my family over the weekend and extended family. I have been afforded the opportunity to spend some much needed quality time with friends and family. Laughing, embracing, sharing stories, and eating and enjoying the moments as they passed. I never yawned and never felt a moments stressed or tired. I felt as if I found the fountain of youth, and as I lived through my adult daily in's and out's, I recaptured and relived my youth, all one instant in time. I was ideally happy and generally at peace, so I knew exactly what I needed to do.

So as I am looking for answers and searching continuously within, I am not at a lost for words and moments. Strikingly, little by little life is presenting herself to me in many charming aspects. I drink from her fountain of wisdom, and am seeing life as it is presenting itself. I am ready to visually see more, and willing to investigate and delve into the murky waters of existence. My fear and cares have been washed ashore.

Lesson Seventy Three: Everyday is a new beginning
What I did not start yesterday, I began today. What I didn't finish last week, I closed out yesterday. I am not cutting myself off or limiting my life's times, for if I think small minded and only see dates, numbers, minutes and seconds, I will never afford myself the ability to transcend it all. We are as old as we want to be, and as rushed and hurried as society makes us be. I am putting on the life brakes and choosing to look at my life path and pattern, not from afar, but up close and distinctly personal.