In change comes answers.....

I am learning a lot about myself. With your back against the wall your mind and visual length expands. I am seeing that although I have enjoyed my solitude time, my career endeavours and the times well spent with family and friends; I still feel a sense of loneliness. Those gloomy nights when nothing can be read, viewed on TV or overly prayed upon to calm your nerves. The longing and need for your paramours touch trumps all previously addressed and spoken about.
It's winter and I'm cold. My heart is frozen amongst many warming hands, or potential romantically peaked interests who assume they have the key to melting an embedded frozen heart. Do I stab them with an eerily cold embrace, or do I await the tingling pricking sensation of being awoken again?
Is all lifes problems resloved with a flippant attitude? How am I escaping this situation? Does my great deceptive tactics go hand in hand with my need to be free, or do I finally have my moment where there is nothing behind me or facing me......I must trust and believe that everything will be ok again?
Mentally drained and romantically isolated.

Save me.....

The walls up high.

There is a barrier that surrounds me. It's impenetrable, its impossible to bypass. It remain illusive to all, but once tapped into it becomes the pink elephant in a white walled washed room. Me shallow? Me timid? Two distincts but ever so distant descriptions of me. You wonder why I am the way I am? You wonder why I love so openly, but close down my heart and all feelings and emotions associated with my heart so tightly?

Will you ever know why I hurt so? Will I even allow you a chance to get to know me truly, madly and deeply? I counter a question with another question. I dodge maybe with perhaps so. I run away from prominent and potential to fall hopelessly and madly in love with no care or concern. I cheat with broken hearted and stay in bed with disillusioned........

Our connection is strong. Our love is there, but am I there? A lapse in time and any given space will not be enough....nothing is never enough as it seems. I feel drowned. I feel.as of I'm falling into that hexed wishing well. Time will cease if I omit. Time will end. Life won't resume. Paralysis and tidal waves of fears settles in. You will disappoint me. Trap me.

But I do. I care. I need and I love you. Why you?

I want answers, but I can't point one of ten fingers to any selected notation of my love.

I hope you read this......

You will never know what moved me. You will never know what inspired me. You will always assume so much about me, my life, my inconsistent world. You will always wonder what part or role you played in my life.......I will never aspire to answer to you no longer. My creativity and ability to intermix a story or  a scence, a passionate exchange and experience be it yesterday or yesteryear....has afforded me the opportunity to turn life memories into untimely, uncharted and unorganized memoirs.

Throwing a written declaration back at me was the lowest of all lows. You stalk my writings as if they were uniquely written for you. Rather than speaking to me and expressing your interest in what I wrote, you attempted to use it against me.

The relationship I once assumed could be solid, but had kinks in it, but eventually it would run its course and work out ....no longer appears as so. I look at you with a blank face. It's like going behind someone's back and using information against them......low.

Disappointed. Disillusioned.

Just when you think you can amend, we part again.

Read that. It's perfectly present.

With love

In the mean time

I'm waiting on my friend to arrive for our lunch meet up. The rain and cold air brings into mind all the momentus happenings in my life, and for that I must say Thank You.
Thank You for the patience and kindness.
Thank you for your understanding and guidiance with me and for me. Thank you for the ability to be humble. Seek solace in humility, honesty in my discomfort and trusting of my ability to transcend my biggest fears. Life is meant to research and explore, experience and face.
I am happier being still and awaiting centered guidiance. No choice is the perfect and at times best choice, but its a learning experience meant to be explored and expressed.
I am thankful for the ability to be in the moment. Lover of life and that which is explored!
Thank You!

Mastering the human emotions

Forced to transition and change with the times! That is exactly what I am facing and experiencing. I can no longer just be or go through life just making it, I can not even hold my head high enough to float above the shallow waters that continually drown me. I must look beyond the horizons and embedded skyline. I must see further then before. I am now in a situation where I hope to dream small and live bigger. Rather than dream large and maintain the small. The middle space is no longer comfortable or spacious to me anymore. I need to change. Having never felt this pressure to transition and change in such a short condensed time, but an experience that will wash over all of my life time has hit me now. I was fighting it and making my most attempts to ignore it, but it has led me astray and backwards. I feel as if I made my spontaneous life leaps to only be pushed down into the sand. This sand is neither light or welcoming and appears eager to encase me.....So I am running away from life challenges, but then I know I can't continue to lonesome road no longer. For each challenge and experienced faced I must admit to my flaws and faults and reasoning's as to why I wasn't quite successful in any one way shape or form area. I must say to myself exactly and entirely what exactly is going on with me. I have always held the ability to draw others in, and listen to their life transitions and issues with their days, but as for me...inability to identify a safe net to discuss my issues and concerns with. I was able to find an outlet in my journal writings, but I even was secret to a secret! How could that be? So recently coming across exercises that encouraged my mind to expand on all horizons has afforded me the ability to just be. Entertaining the good and the bad and finding a good moment in a declining day, mantra's that allow me to refrain from negativity, and prayers that guide me forward is opening the doors I have narrowed and almost barred away.

So my emotional state remains unbalanced, and I am accepting of this feeling and emotional set. In fact I encouraged an equilibrium not as sturdy and steady as expected. I am warring with the world, I am warring with myself, I am at constant defense mode and have set off several attack mechanisms. I fight for the unknown seat of stability that I have blindly marked. I don't trust, belief or have faith in anything outside of St. Jude and St. Therese as well as mother and father god. My dual belief's in the Omnipotent has not riddled me with unsatsifaction, it has increased my comfort level and belief set, however, in the unknown and unseen faith always gets me by, but my faith in what's in front of me, what has existed within me, who has been ingrained and instilled in me remains tested and truly then. In time I have lost love for it, all, but I am gathering strength steadily. I have no idea of my life completion in the trust journey or for that matter believing in self and others....however, I do know that slowly allowing entry way into life experiences will allow me long term balance and peace being still.

So mystery male you entered my mind and interest this weekend. Due to your inability or lack of response I became highly offended. I even thought, what the hell did I do to you to make you go from hot to cold and so soon, but then I calmed the rushing of my thoughts and mind. I allowed myself to not be caught up in the raptures of pure unadulterated attraction. I allowed myself to see that if you were Tully bullshit then you sure would be stinking up the place sooner or later. The idea of dating, and the art and practice of dating and relating rituals has almost driven me wild with thoughts and fear of failed relationships. I must say my dating expertise is truly limited, and my assumed thoughts of and reactions of expectations are truly daunting. As with everything I am aware of my life and situation and goals, and I also know I must disconnect from the social media sites and my mobile web to allow life to exist amongst myself. So I am giving you and my running mad and wild brain a fair chance to relax and breath and allow nature to take its course or discourse......

Lesson Eighty One: Back against the wall......
Another pressured ridden month and moments, but when allowed the ability to see self error and reflect on amending all issues and slights has allowed me to truly see my potential and self doubt. Lack of security, lack of sex, lack of love, lack of belief, lack of spirituality, lack of happiness all combined made a helluva week! So I applaud my ability to bounce right back and start all up and over again, but this time is different. My back is no longer against the wall, but walking directly away from it.

The butterflies or the anxiety flies?

So the newness has taken over me. I am definitely not complaining at all, in fact I am absolutely looking forward (at times) to the new experiences and what not, however, when one is taken with the start of something new, you become almost consumed in the fresh feeling that anything off putting, upsetting, bothersome and off becomes heightened to the tenth degree. So I am batteling the nerves and just generally trying not to think too much. I question normalcy and assumed normal roles within the dating and relating schemes. I mean seriously is it really this hard to date and relate, or am I just that much out of the loop and self absorbed to take note of the pro's and con's in the dating world. The likes and dislikes and assorted flavors of behavior! So much to learn and absorb. So As I enter the dating world my head remains steady and line of vision focused, but my emotional sleeves and armour isn't sturdy enough!

Recent daydreams and daymares as I like to call have caused me to over analyze HIM! Perhaps I am thinking too hard, and longing for that ideal mate and moment to enter in my life, to somehow set things straighter than before (in the dating and relating realm). However, I am only encountering barriers and walls. Although he appears to have good intentions, I question his motivations. Should I give in slightly to his come on's and lines, then I would have easily fallen into his web, but when I appear to be slightly interested and gradually entertained everything appears to be falling into perspective in regards to communication remaining close and upfront and expected when unexpected even. Perhaps this slight weekend break down has lead me to emotional rollar coaster levels! So I can't get use to the previous, and I must expect and prepare for the rest now? I have no idea, all I know is that I am definitely in a transitional phase in my life. My life has evolved several times over and around in regards to the dating and relating, and although every experience is new and different; I am sensing slight similarities, however, nothing is ever quite the same, but this time I am feeling myself entertaining the idea of liking to getting to know and then falling in love. Trusting in someone is never an easy task, but I am feeling a break free moment ideally described as off centering for me. Should I let him in, I am exposing myself to situational choices and more, but am I willing and able to accept this and his challenges?.......

Waiting for a message is like waiting for that second wind of much needed air. I am exhausted from thinking about him, and wondering why in three days I feel tumultuous tidal changes and waves extending far from behind me and drawing me in. The fear of nothing fairing well or ever being right drowns me at times, but for some reason I stay afloat and keep dreaming. Is it you?


Lesson Eighty: Just breath

Writing out a feeling leaves you not only exhausted, but it leaves you with so many misguided words, forming an even larger misguided paragraph, that is eventually read by another misguided being into understanding and acceptance. I breath a sigh of relief because I wrote exactly how I am feeling.

Where do I go from here

Cold feet appears to be my best bet and best friend. I ask myself am I destined and doomed to feelings of uninterest, measured entertainiment of others, and potential down falls of inconsistenacy. I break off a headche of a friendship and whirlwind of a relationship, because I simply can not take the feeling of not being actively involved, in love and beyond the bed sheets living. Am I wrong for wanting more than the assumed norms of a woman's routine with a male mate? Can I simply just have an interest? Must the opposite sex be motivated by one's physical appearance, which later triggers a response inwhich should I play into, I will be defined and destned to just another pleasure piece on the endless board of loved games. I definitely don't want to play anymore, however, I find myself entertaining the bull shit.

So at this moment I am entirely in a cloud. My thoughts and mind stay far from the ground. It's as if I want to forget each and everyone, and begin anew, but when we begin anew we are continually challenged with the ones we need to get rid of. So on this life challenge I have decided that I might want to be a better love games figurine, I might want to actually go forward with these demands and wants of others on my own terms, and by my own rules. Perhaps I have a simple case of the fuck it's, but I really don't think of it as that. I just see it for how life simply is. It's a game, you either are the important players or the supporting case. As an important player you are constantly making moves and in motion. Should I accept the challenges and want to make the moves, I am accepting a fate unknown at times to me, but easily lived by me. I am returning to the point of no return, and no regrets. the point where I could care less who you are and what you are about, it's my interest and motivation that must be appeased. Do I go this route.....or do I go the other route that has held me literally in an emotional bubble for so long. I have simply become someone I am slightly content with......

So enters A new. I am intrigued and interested, but I am looking at the menu and simply I have not passed the appetizer. Oh Mr. Seductive fits all of the amazing choices, however, what he does not know is that I clearly see through the lines and filmy emotional hang up's. Impressionable I can be at times, however, I am not so romantically warped that I could not see his intentions.....It amazes me how a little word games and lip locking luster will make the mind bend your own damn needs. Passion is absolutely contagious, and at times, unmistakable, however, it's truly misleading, and for that I have no idea why I entangle, engage and bother with the whole rituals. As misleading as getting to know one can be, it can also be an experience to remember, and for each experienced I have gained valuable and wonderful life lessons, which I would not exchange for the world! However, it's like a personal mind double DAMN! Can and will things every change and get better? Will the opposite sex differ so much that I could just simply breath and not giggle about all the misled attempts!

So my self offer is to accept this challenge and play it and everything to the fence, recall, remember, excite and ignite each and every passionate flame, with no realistic motivations and intentions I am destined to reign on top with a heart ache, but a helluva memory bank!

Lesson Seventy Nine: I really could care less at times.....

I try to play by the rules, and figure each and everything out, but as life presents itself nothing appears to be getting better and greater unless it's tested, tainted and aged properly. The more I stay calm and entertaining to the bull shit, the more I turn inward and stay away from the uncomfort, challenges and moments that make and break people. I wont hover over anything anymore either. One in a million, and I'm just that one.

So I am accepting of the challenge. Beware!