Gifted with the Curse to love....

I want to be loved. I wanted to be wanted and needed. I feel as if I welcome all of these emotions and more, but yet nothing appears to find me. I am lost in this and that one's embrace. No one to touch a serious basis with, and no one to really express how and why I feel this way. Another sad moment one would think, however, it's just the start of an appealing life time of changes and transitions. Changes that will require me to rethink my passions and my love. My love for another human being, which encompasses all. All that is felt and expressed and experienced within me. I open my arms to you life....in shelter for the humilation and unknown times we have experienced.

So a gift to forgive and forget and move on forward appears to be in store. It's like nothing changed or occured. It's like we had no differences, and all that we transfered to one another was a distant memory. I look to you for answers and guidiance and passions that escape me. I look to you for desires sake. I search you out in the name of it all. The name that calls and beckons to any and everyone who feels the spark of hope and fanaticism of lusty feelings at once.

Whatever these feelings are I want some part of them. It's interesting to me that I continue to share these emotions and dreams. Although they are challenging and take many turns in life, it is never a turn I stray away too far from, and it's always a course I am willing to take and excel at.

So with all these mumbled feelings and emotions I challenge ME. I recently had a nostalgic moment. A moment where I thought it would take eons to occur and happen for me. In time nothing appeared as it was suppose to be. Everything that occurred was meant to be. At times I wondered was I dreaming and deserving of such an intimate moment, and I slowely swalloed each breath of self worth. I invisioned a passionate night, but instead I recieved an intimate, heart pulling and touching moment. I felt needed, and valued and appreciated and important. My essence was wanted. I could have faltered and went the assumed routine, but I stood my ground. I want to know this.....I want to experience each nerve tingled emotion. I want to be sucked into an insanely passionate night. I want your distance to tease me and intoxicate me all at once. I want this. I need this. Is it for me?

Lesson Fifty Seven: Giving it a try....

New avenues calls for continued experienced. New avenues call for a difference and a change in life. I am willing to take another route. A route once assumed impossible and closed off for me, appears to be the start of a new beginning. I want this. I need this. I am this!

Relapse OR Adjusting the mind set

I am dreaming of you. I am thinking of you. Classically trained to investigate and evaluate all and everyone who comes before me. Assuming that I knew what was best for me, I would say it would be you. I tested fate out yet again. I had left you alone, and ignored all attempts at getting to know you again, but did I listen to my inner self stating that you were a distant memory, and that everything about you and in regards to you would be forgotten. Immediately I assumed that love wouldn’t live here anymore with you, but in fact loved continues to blossom and bloom for you. No matter how hard I try to deny my truth and intent for you, everything appears to leave me. Strength, sanity and for all it’s worth my soul. Encased in a glass by your essence. Surrounded in such a way I am left suffocating. One will never know the power of your hold upon me.
So as entranced as I am, I am wishing and hoping that you come along and set me free. I am praying that I will find that ideal partner to compliment me in all ways as possible. We read continually in magazine, and newspapers just how much one searches for their ideal mate. People will go to the ends of the earth in search of that special someone. What will I have to do? I write openly about my feelings and report all the up and down moments, because my emotions, heart and love at this moment is inconsistently consistent. It’s as if expecting anything above and beyond, but then again receiving temporary relief with some saddened structure. As fleeting and failing as my love life appears I trust in it. I am learning to turn these feelings, disappointments, failures and downright discerning moments into written momentum. I am tackling my fears and facing them head on each fear one day at a time. I can only count my many blessings and ability to transcend the onslaught of this crazy crazy life.
Although I am writing my troubles away, I wish to touch and affect as many people as possible. I wish the dating and relating world to be in peace with all and everyone in it. I am hoping that life continues to generate subjects for me that release and transition past, present and make waves for future possibilities.

Lesson Fifty Six: I am not surprised …..
I could claim a love relapse, but I won’t. I just went back to revisit an old hurt that I continually press on about and speak of whenever I write. Nothing will change overnight, and it takes time to see things, especially life through, however, never discourage yourself from a lesson and a blessing.

Detox

Can I drain my feelings for you? Is it possible to strain the extra weighted water from our existence? Can there be another way around these feelings? Simply holding the memory loss machine to my mind, body and soul. Clearing all that existed of and about you. No longer relying on moments in the pass to get through the moments of missing you. A memory of no significance or existence to me anymore. Self resolve and at times loathing of the truth can put you (me) in a pissy mood. I am not looking forward to this acceptance and acknowledgement. I am not looking forward to starting anew once again in regards to my heart, and hearts feelings. I am aching to cling to everything that reminds me of you, and I mean everything. I am standing in my own way of closure. My fears and anxieties of losing you entirely overwhelm me. I cannot bring myself to face the world knowing that we are never going to exist on any level again. As truth begins to sink in and fade into each and every crevice of my mind, I become disenchanted and uninterested in anyone who’s presenting themselves to me in any way, shape or form. My anger and upset at you and me not becoming anything more than an emotional flop upsets and disturbs me. Why couldn’t we make it? Every time I attempt to find some sort of loving happiness and development in life it’s always shadowed by a reality of some sorts. I feel as if there is something in the way and it’s unmovable. I question myself time and time again, about my relationship choices and actions and role I play in each experienced moment. I question myself all the time. Where did I go wrong? What did I do to not deserve successful relationships? Is there something not clicking with me? I always end up centering around me…..Never taking the time to look at you, him, them and formerly US.
As I write this self imposed letter of acknowledgement to myself, I am noticing that I want someone who really doesn’t exist. I am allowing myself to become temporarily engaged in interests, because I do not dare challenge myself to experiencing a long term meaningful relationship. Casual and slightly interested, or someone whose entirely inaccessible remains an immediate interest for me. Closing my heart off to all who dare enter or want to enter, but opening my heart to continued aches and pains from closed off people and their own individual experiences. Is this what I want from life? Is this what I am expecting to continue to happen and also, to continue to be experienced in regards to my dating and relating life and interest? I don’t have all the answers, but I do know is that change occurs when one is ready to make the individual and necessary transitions. I am neither ready entirely or completely cut off from transitioning. I do know that in time my heart and love will be dually received and it will get reciprocated back. I know that there is more to life then hanging around awaiting the development and experience of something to begin, when it will never pilot off the runway. Although I venture to say that perhaps you will divert your time and energy to me, and there I go off again on a wishful thinking cruise, but then I slow down and allow reality and life to remain in front of me. You will not open and close my door for me, or provide me with candy on Valentine’s Day. You will not make it your best effort or take your time to spend it with me. You have continually appeased me to be around you, because all in all you care for me and like me and you are attracted to me, but there is nothing more and further. I have given myself, and time to you and on my own ventured out to be with you, however, you keep closing life’s doors and not letting me in, so I am going to us both a favor and lock this door. I will not venture out to you anymore. I will continue to write about my detoxification from you, because you have tainted my mind, body and soul and I must slowly clear and clean myself of you. So it begins…….

Enter NEW…..
Attention and interest continues to come towards me. I am impressed and pleased that males are taking notice. I am not shrugging them away, but gladly entertaining their interest. Although my heart at times feels stunted, it’s not entirely at a loss and I know I will transcend and push forward and make the most and best of each and every moment. As I toss and turn in my bedroom at night, my solace comes not from the quiet in my apartment, but from the lessening of pain in my heart. I dually know that when its time for me to love again, I truly will open my heart to him. He will deserve because I will know his heart is true. Although we cannot help who we love, we can guide the ones deserving to be loved back into our life. Progress is to be made and will this summer is MINE!

Lesson Fifty Five: There is more…..
Just when you think your life is being swallowed and spit right back at, you’d never know that when you were on the down and coming back up everything was corrected. You experienced something and it was being worked on. Just when I think I have lost each and everything, I am being picked right back up and starting something out entirely new. I am always afforded many blessings and opportunities and as I always say, what must end will only enter something new to begin! Can I get an AMEN!

Does my love for you not justify anything?

Time and time again I see myself swallowed into a ball of flames. You light my strings and watch me wither away in a redden cloud of pain. I continue to test and temp fate and faith, knowingly that the end is near. Never before have I placed myself out towards someone so many times. I thought I had enough strength and persistence to work myself through. I thought I could possibly mend my melted heart into something solid and consistent, but it appears not to be going as perfected and planned. You allow me to be intoxicated by your sex appeal. Your style and male donned out over all official state has captivated me. Your swagger and appeal is something to be reckoned with. Your glint in your eyes, and dimpled cheeks, to your masculine height and width and manly size. Just you and everything about you has continued to bring me to my knees. I sit down and think about all of my individual wants and needs that perhaps you will never satisfy. As temporary in your life you view me, I must deem you the same. I must simply enjoy the moments and live freely and vicariously through any and all who have ventured to pursue the road to nowhere.


I am saddened that I am taking this much time fixated and focused on someone who really could care less about my feelings. As expressive as I am, I have come to realize that nothing is perfect and guaranteed, and also, nothing is received without being acknowledged. So as I have given myself freely to you time and time again I have withered in such a state that I can no longer stand and receive anything from anyone else. I am lost, or so I assumed I was lost. My heart is making a sharp turn and grinding against unwanted feelings. It’s time for me to make choices and decisions and begin a regiment of healing. I cannot go all of my life wasting away in love for you. Did I say love? Yes I typed love. I care so deeply about you that a general paying attention and being interested in you developed into love. I grew more comfortable and confident around you and speaking to you. My heart continued beating faster and more consistent for you. Although my eyes have scanned the rooms and entertained a few, I continue to run back to you. My like turned into love, and wanting to know more just about you. You turned me away and allowed me to think otherwise, which is bringing me to this point of an unbalanced state. So here I go again releasing you, but not wanting to let you go. Where do I go from here? As I write this I am at a point in my life where everything is up in the air. My livelihood, love for all and life and everything in between is just not balanced enough. My wound is festering and poisoning my parts. I need help…..I need a resolution and it cannot possibly be you. I have involved myself in surface like relationships, and potential toxic ones too, but I easily closed the case and disappeared from all, but with you and for you I am here. Everything I desire about you is always going to stay with me. Although I release you from my life and soul and a part of me, I know you will always burn that flame for eternity within me…..stir as you may, I have to let it and you go. I love you.


Lesson Fifty Four: What lay ahead…….
Admittance and understanding of what just was said is the start of something new and creative and also healing as well, however, denial and continually attempting to close and just break away is no longer the resolve, answer or medicine. You’re my illness baby, and I am attempting to make you go away……I think I’m going to need rehab from your love. Let me go…..

Should have, could have, would have, but do I?

Entertaining several thoughts here…..The major thought running through my mind is embracing you. Two and a half years of longing for someone who’s deemed “untouchable” do to their situational occurrences, but I have nothing standing in my way. Perhaps common courtesy and mutual respect for another’s life situation and regard for their life situation should remain a major factor in my case; however, I have totally caught the case of “Why should I care about your situation?” When I think about being concerned about the all too illusive “what ifs”, I say to myself if I can’t erase his memory. I don’t want to erase his memory, and if I could sample just want taste and touch of him, why shouldn’t I? Since when did I become so conscious and self restrictive and overly concerned with how others are received by me? I am not saying be entirely careless and live your life at a Charlie Sheen whim, however, what I am saying is that there are times in your life when a person, situation, relationship, moment in time, anything of all of the above listed presents itself, and then you freeze and think about all the possibilities of how and why this instance in your life will be brief, and that there is nothing more or further that will come from this situational occurrence, but why the hell not? All the time we spend seeking out someone and pursuing this and that one, when right before us is a quick pick me up! The type of experience that will allow you to breathe and reflect on your emotional self. Yourself that was driven to compromise for so long. Your inner person that has remained on reserved status due to being mindful and respectful of all and everyone. Never saying disregards rules and regulations and totally mutate into someone that you don’t even know anymore, HA! However, I would like to see everyone let their hair down and adjust that tie to lay it loose. I would like for you to embrace these moments and experiences because they build and build into a bigger picture. Like a resume, we perfect our place of employment and jobs and career to a dot the I and cross the t. We are overly conscious with how we are perceived and how others ingest us, but what about ingesting yourself? What about perceiving you as a loving, and capable being that deserves attention, respect and most of all the right to experience and be free. So as I think about you, I think about what you are going through and experiencing. I analyze that maybe you aren’t happy and you are searching for a temporary adjustment and resolve for the moment. I then stop myself from seriously going into more, because regardless of your situation and my situation I am not going to pollute our experiences should it occur. I want only my body and kisses to be your resolve and solution. I will not counsel or even dare to question your situation, because simply I am dreaming and living for me, and you have come to intoxicate my mind and senses, so be it……..

Enter the Dragon……
I am utterly feeling as if I am sensually drowning in a sex filled jack pot. It appears that when you let your inhibitions go and all the people that we were “waiting and wishing” for, life hits its highest peaks! Enjoyment and living life freshly is the name of this game. I am fortunate and truly blessed to be able to write and detail each and every experience, these experiences continue to propel me to know as much as I can retain and experience as much as my goddess body grants me. I will not allow my soul to befall on another moment of unable to truly test, reinvent, pleasure, passionately engage and experience all what life offers. When the time arrives for me to commit to my lover I will cherish each and every memory. Until then I am on a mission to love me, and receive love as no other…….

Lesson Fifty Three: Make it Rain or Thunder Storm?
Hmmm I like to make it rain and would love to cause a thunder storm, however, emotionally it’s been a Tsunami of sorts, but as the emotional water recedes and my foundation is getting firmer I am rising. Like the skyline of New York City I am BACK!

Guiding others……

When you are hurting and wondering about all of your things you are experiencing and going through, there is always someone else facing the same situation as you. Instead of turning within we reach out and guide others. As I listened to my friend’s pains, I could not help but become nostalgic and turn inwards briefly to think about my situational occurrences I have experienced. I noted that communication and being up front and open with someone is the key ingredient in a successful relationship. Your ability to see outside yourself, and enter into someone’s life and their situations remains a major factor in accepting someone and yourself in a partnership. Turning inward again I questioned myself…..The state of balance, and also, the state of maintaining my own personal nerves and sanity remains with me only. I am not as eager and ready to transition and share with someone else. Although we cannot stop our emotional connections and attractions to and for others, however, we can learn to access our inner deepest states, and acknowledge our abilities to choose our status and romantic affairs. I wished my friend well as I heard him pour his soul out to me. He is hurting and in love, however, he does not realize that sometimes we have to love and let go. No matter how hard we try to get our loved one to see our ways in life, or even transition their individual ideas and pace; nothing is ever set in stone until the person in question is willing to transition. No matter how much you love someone, love is the ultimate healer, but love can also set you free. So I advised my friend to continue to make attempts at saving the relationship, but there is just so much one can do. As my personal opinion and advice echoed throughout my living room, something clicked for me. I try so hard to be loved, when in fact I am loved. I try so hard to conform to rules and regulations, when in fact I live rules and regulations free. I like the person who I am becoming. I have struggled to deal with my emotional self and logical self, being realistic and true to me isn’t an easy task. Relaying my life and experiences and sharing my world with someone is never easy, however, I am neither obligated nor set in stone with anyone. As you are, and as I advised “You are your own person. Allow life to be experienced, and live your life and explore all of life’s boundaries, and what life has to offer, but never limit yourself to anyone”.

Taking things in stride…..
I won’t personalize any responses or reactions. I will trust that each experience has meaning and color to my life. At times we continue to push life’s boundaries, however, we bypass the simple meaning of letting go and just being. We don’t have to be surrounded by stress, problems and troubles. If you are meant to be experienced then so be so, however, time is the ultimate teller of life’s themes, and in this particular theme your time has expired. The heart needs time to heal, the mind needs time to mend and your body and soul needs time for cleansing. I jumped from one situational occurrence, into another occurrence which in essence cost me time. I can only extend myself just so much, so I am taking things in stride. I welcome calm and peaceful moments. I am never alone, but walk single handed for a reason. Not having a steady partner is no longer personally viewed as a plague, but more time to amend myself. If I think it and believe it will come to fruition. When I dream, I stay in a stilted state, but when I succeed it’s a lasting and lifetime experience. So again, I am taking life in stride and learning from each and every experience. I cut ties with the old, and unwrap the ribbons of the new. I am as always thankful and grateful for each and every opportunity to experience life to the fullest. Amen!

Lesson Fifty Two: You are who you are……..
You will always catch a glimpse of yourself in someone else; however, remember not to lose yourself in their image. All you can be is you. If the person, partnership and experience is suitable to your needs and wants release it. Emotionally straining yourself is not necessary. Physically depleting your mental stock on unnecessary moments isn’t helpful to your long run. Yes we will falter and make mistakes. Yes we will even say “why did I experience this, or do this, or go along with this?”, because in our heart of hearts we truly meant well. However, everyday is an experience and life challenge. Never give in or give up! You’re worth it!

This is for you….and you… and you too!

In closing I hope you regard this statement with the highest notations. I am not the easy person to get along with. I am wayward in many of my ways and experiences, and yes I go from being super hot to Luke warm to freezing in regards to my mind set and focus. My intent and relationship intentions may have not been as clear and concise as you wanted them to be, but what about your ideas and thoughts on our relationships. As opinionated and open as you are about my down falls in life, let’s regard your moments…..hmmm I can start a list and continue to talk on about them, however, how beneficial would that be? Who’s gaining a skill point? In all honesty my intent and motivations in regards to striking it up with you again wasn't as in depth as assumed.I released you the day you left me mouth wide open. I re entered your life with expectations to crush you. Crushing you slowly wilted away and I began to respect you. Never letting go of the former rejection and life slights, I still kept in mind. When I came to you I assumed that we can begin again and start over, however, I was wrong. As much as you dont want to admit and see it, you were at all attempts trying to change and mold me. Your wife may have attempted to control and conduct your life, however, your stubborn nature and emotional distance and almost droid like ways are just as clear as day. You like to make mention and point out everything you assumed could have been just as obvious to anyone else, but your form and grounds for communications lacked poorly. Have you ever been in love? This is the question I needed to ask you. Do you know what its like to have a loving, and lasting relationship? Communication is in fact key. Communication is in fact a builder. As sheltered as you deemed me, you were closed down and under life renovations. You attempted to mirror my emotional set, but didn't come as close. Do I respect you for pushing me. Criticizing me and my responses? Am I so conditioned that I allow your toxic sarcasm to resonate to the bottom of my soul? You are no life line or for that matter anyone savior. Romantically cut off and emotionally damaged. I thank your life experiences and ability to not see for that man you are, and the man you are set on becoming. I wish you clarity. The hurt that you hold inside for your life failures and familial failures resonates all through you. I could easily cast you aside and deem you lonely and lost and never to achieve the likes of a successful relationship, but just as easily spoken I took those words back. I actually feel for you. The person who’s working so hard to maintain all will eventually falter and let everything go. Will you still be standing? I wish and want all the best for you; however, I love me more. I love the fact that I am me. As crazy and pragmatic and stubborn and in your face I am, I can’t be anyone else but me. I am never saying my life will never transition and change with another human being, I am saying that your moment and time in my life is over and I release all memories and experiences. We had situational moments and gentle giant occurrences, but it will never be enough. So again, Ode to the whims of life and experiences, but good bye to the windfalls and heart ache experiences…….

So enters you…..
Who the hell are you and where did you take my life and soul? I am feeling so myself lately. I am actually coming to terms with a take charge attitude. I am the woman I was made to develop into. No longer fearing heartache, life slights and general disappointments, I am all I need to be. It never occurs to you how people will attempt to mold you to their individual character needs and descriptions. It never occurred to you that perhaps you never really wanted to be involved with me, but just the though and imagery of that idolized person continued to pull you towards me……well wake up is all I have to say, because I no longer answer to you…you…or you! I am beating to my own drum and loving it.

Lesson Fifty One: Toast!
I am in the mood to raise my glass, cup and anything that brings cheers and smiles to my already cherry blossomed face. I am cheering my ability to let go. I let you in only to release you. Why? Because it just was time to be honest. I honestly didn’t expect anything to continue to transpire and move forward. Letting people in and letting go is not has distasteful and harmful to the senses as before. Never wanting to be plagued by assumed emotional ties. Never drown in unassumed sorrows. Love and let go. It is best to have loved and released, then loved and hated.