Alert and Voluntarily Present....

There are so many signs and symbols someone can give, show or even dish out to you. Have you been paying attention? Minding the matters of what exactly that someone is attempting to tell you? Have you awaited nestled in the corner for the smoke signal and signs detailing just what you have hoped and planned for all along??? I can say that I have experienced the paralysis of waiting for a response, that I assumed I already knew the answer for, however, YOU didn't know I knew, so I patiently sat back and waited, and as time elapsed so did my recognition of my self, my desire and passions were placed on hold, my desires to move forward and continue to live life accordingly and trust that everything will happen for a reason if it is to occur...that reasoning and mindset never occured. What evolved was an emotionally challenged me. A female vulnerable to each and every move you made. I felt you linger and stay, and like the Fisheman, you threw your strings out to me, trapping me in your stance for as long as I could hang on and wait. Slowly losing sight of self, sight of mind and personal passions, my life light began to fade......So enters my now.


I suppose we have put out feelers for each others individual needs, and we have cast aside what we really felt and want in life in hopes of not giving off that impression of "Hey, I enjoy being needed and wanted, and at this very moment I am desiring a serious relationship." Help wanted! Fear of rejection, and also, up and down's of the daily aspects of the dating and relating realm have conjured up so many thoughts about rejections, feelings of rejections before the rejection occurs, and how to pretend we wasnt rejected, by acting like we aren't expecting anything.....so the statue frame and mindset starts seeping into the daily aspects and lives of all. My interactions with you were emotionally driven, but they remained dormant. I started feeling that connection with you, but chose to deny and pretend that everything would eventually fall back into place. I even written and wrote the negatives aspects, and spoke of the negative aspects as a potentially calming self effect to evade from feeling what I have longed to feel.

A sense and point of denial, is a lifetime of misery, horried learned lessons and too many days of being in a confused and fuddled state. I let a year go by when I deny it and you. I let the following year go by when I loved and embraced you, but I continued to attempt to not chase the fact that we mattered. We needed to talk and address the situation, and also, we needed to verify just exactly where I lives were headed, if they were headed somewhere.....The truth has set many free. My truth, my heart and my love and passions can not continue to be put aside and not address. Beit for good or for bad I started being honest with myself. I am seeing change.

So this long winded wording of sorts has gotten me to think that you have denied me entrance into your heart and mind, simply because you could. However, the little life attributes are started to get to you, and I am becoming something symbolic and of meaning to you. Do I dare suggest that you have feelings deeper than before?

Lesson Eighty Three: The Clutter Effect

I am starting to clean out my life dressers. I am starting to open all the closets and launder all the clothing items that held stains of past loves, hopes and desires written all across. I have forgiven people in my past, and myself for holding onto simple nothings. It has always been easier to let go on a negative ending, however, peacefully resloving to not retain the relationship appears to have caused many slights and hardships, however, I will continue to disslove unecessary baggage and happenings in my life, because I feel free. Free to explore, live and carry right along.

My Destiny

It's snowing in the winter wonderland of Englewood, New Jersey. I decided to get a mini break from the City life. In taking my time from the hectic daily of City life, I am currently reflecting on the importance of my life goals, and the people in my life who encourage my many passionate pursuits.

Recently I decided to no longer let the case of what if's, could have been and be, perhaps and lifes maybe's get the best of me. As easily as it has been written, the hardest reality of was the emotional ties being cut and no longer crossed.

It's like turning off an inner light in your heart.......I knew and know we could never be. I felt he discontent and the discord more than I felt comfort and happiness. Disillusioned and blinded to my reality of experiences......I set out to become someone I didn't know anymore. I pity myself then, but I championed myself as to what I am becoming now.

I am not content or happy with how I responded to you throughout all of our times spent together. I will omit to being selfish, to being only concerned with my own personal outcomes. When I assumed we could actually make an attempt at having a relationship, you were cold and distant and I realized that probably there would be no going back to assumed norms. The old adage of if it will be, it will be became our connecting piece, and also, distance weaver.........

I will never transition you into who I would love you to be and become, you will never transition me into that woman you foresee me being and becoming. Our gap will remain, and nothing last forever......they say.

I close off with I loved you. I have let you go.

The Biggest of All

I wonder if in the future love will be diagnosed as readily as cancer and AIDs, or possible eagerly treated as influenza or a severe cold when you suffer from a broken heart and the ill effects of the love syndrome. Possibly a slight case of affections and love can easily receive a certain amount of magical pills that can wish away the feelings experienced if you choose to cure this UTI of the heart!

Let’s just say that I continue to face my strongest muscle in my body. I always assumed that your heart was no match for the human mind, because the heart did not (self-assumption) coincide with the in’s and out’s and logistics of one’s day. Well I am proven wrong yet again, and this time I am amazed about my heart and the capacity of love, lust and lingered emotions it has maintained and held for so long. Just when I was beginning to think that I would never want to express or experience that ill-gotten love and loved like feeling; however, I have been making amends with myself. I have been allowing myself to reset my emotional clock, and heart clock and resume again, however, this time I am working in unison with my mind and body, but my hearts remains in constant charge of all situations.

So enters my heart, the undeniably loving and confused muscle. Well my heart has decided that I don’t want to risk my soul anymore. I am not willing to just deal and put up with anyone just because I may feel needy and a case of the lonely feelings. I have decided to individual review each and every feeling I am feeling in regards to a possible and potential partner. I also have come to terms with loving me, for who I am and not why and how I could improve because another being wanted, wants or needs me to transition. My heart has taught me a lot about myself, and although I have been kind and open to all I must start closing off the love doors. Exclusive feelings are wanted and ideally eager to be received. A shared loving connection, and not a one sided experience or a temperamental affair of the hearts no one wants to remember remains a definite no need to revisit. Who is my heart, and what the hell do she think she is doing with my mind??? Convincing me that being honest and true with my feelings and emotions is the key to my emotional onslaught. Convincing me that it’s okay to be single and actively dating, and that you don’t fall in love in one day, two, days or three years. It’s a gradual experience with a definite visible build up stage. My stance remained definite to development, but now I am leaning towards patience, consistent behavior and a justifiable need and means for wanting to experience and explore my life with you.

So as my eyes begin to open each and every waking moment of the day, I am defining myself and my individual needs and how it relates to my love life past, present and future. In the past I did not know entirely why I felt feelings for previous lovers and partners in my life. I normally just went with the adage “He made me feel”, not knowing that I made myself feel, but he provided the stimulate to a part of my emotional tree. Not knowing that I was more eager to look for acceptant behavior and responses, and not create and seek out my own. Presently I have created turmoil in my emotional love life. I have not drawn the appropriate life lines, and drawn barriers that hold up like markings in the water washed sands. I am seeing now my failures and almost am drawn to a sense of sadness and missed linkages and years gone by, but I am given a sense of hope and promise that everything will be ok, and that each struggle and failure and loss occurred in order for me to be at my now……..

At this moment I am actively pursuing my individual goals and needs and addressing some concerns and doubts I faced head on. My fear no longer propels me backwards and away from the spotlight. I am facing my fears one by one and head on, with guidance and faith that everything will be ok. So healthy, positive relationships are what I seek to delve into. I am looking forward to successful and heart clinching experiences, but I am creating them on my own as well. Not looking for someone to bring it out of me, but Looking for someone to continue to complimenting me. That is the major adjustment and difference. Respecting my passions and powers and my ability to transcend into the realms with no fear and no doubt.

So where am I now? Learning…..detoxifying and continuing to request knowledge into my future. As each day continues on I am learning. I am no longer shutting down my individual needs and wants, and no longer assuming a role. I am living and in the moment. Although we live to die, we forget the in between.

Ushering in the New Year, I welcome you 2012

I welcome in 2012 with many hope and dreams. I welcome 2012
Dear 2012,
You have started off amazingly refreshing and riveting for my soul. You have provided me with many outlets and avenues to continue to keep myself afloat, and also, motivated to continue to strive for my individual needs. My goals are attainable and within my sight. I feel entirely like a new woman. I continually say every year how I will change and transition things, but I seem to fall into that painstakingly New Year’s resolutions failed attempts……..but this year I have something motivating me beyond my earthly rotations. I have my faith and my passions, my family and my close knit friends, and also, my individual desires to make all my dreams, hopes and goals to come true. Also I am experiencing maturity at large!!!! I am growing individually each day, and having the ability to recognize growth points and milestones continue to push me forward, to not only continue to experience these feelings and emotions, but to genuinely go through the up’s and down’s without fear! Facing uncomfortable situations, and knowing that all that starts well may not necessarily end as expected, but sometimes life gives us what we need, but not exactly how we envisioned. We just have to just continue to work towards our own goals, and live out life as successfully and self-fulfilling as possible!!
Goodbye 2011,
How do I close off a disappointing romantic relationship year of attempts? Hmmmm…..let’s see….I can start by saying that I have become more concerned with my individual needs and wants. I have become honest with myself. Yes I care for many, but I love and have loved far and few. Yes I have even rushed and pretended emotional attachments and that emotional connection, but as soon as it started it instantly fizzled, and who else to blame but self for allowing such BS to continue to go on in my life, but I have come to many terms with myself and I have realized that an old age adage of only the truth can set you free…….So it shall and it has. I have decided to not entertain anyone who’s not interested in the type of relationship I would hope to have and will achieve. This relationship I envision, will allow myself and my partner to be honest with each other. Physically, mentally, spiritually, emotional and threw out the up’s and down’s openness that I have lacked in the majority if not all of my relationships. Communication and comfort is the key for me, and it’s something I hope to achieve within my next relationship. So as I continue to date, and gather my information and insight from my possible and potentials I can only say thank you to the Man who enters my life willingly and unknowingly of the love we are to grow into and experience. The relationship we passionately want and desire, and created openly for each other to nurture, learn and develop throughout or time.
Hello, 2012 to the love experience!

Lesson Eighty Two: You are who you are…….
I have lived a life of self-doubt and at times self-loathing behavior which accounted for many situations and conditions I chose to experience within my life, but oddly enough New Year’s Eve brought a sense of renewal and a new lease on life experience for me, and for that I am afforded a sense of hope and individual outlooks of success. I thought to myself why wait until the end of the year to have hope, faith and dream…..why not start and end each and every year on a high note. So enters the start of the New Year, my dreams and goals and bucket lists of desires remains. My head and heart are in unison and I eagerly await the next day. Self-affirmations and love goes a long way.

Entertaining my reality.....

I could simply go with your flow and forget all assumed life plans and options and just be as one with you.....I could awake with no cares, no love lost or a cost to my condition I imposed on myself. I wouldn't even question or consider my drastic reality check and life choice. I would do, and be....

What a dream! As I awoke from this Zombie like life state, I only imagined just how and why I came to that reality and life answer. All I could think about was simplifying my life, and taking a short cut. Life has truly been amazing and a blessing for me, but it has been anything but easy. Yes, I live a good life, been through tumultuous and at times heart breaking changes. You tire of being Macguyver 24/7 and you yearn for consistent stability. Life has afforded me several options, all with no life raft or seat belt, and as I venture forward to investigate each offering, I am parachuted to the next bumpy ride. No matter how amazing and awesome the experience, I have come out of each and everyone with a life scar. Just thinking about the experiences brings a tear to my eyes and a release of tension and strain, but with each consuming Passion I am brought center first. I would not change any experience, and I Damn sure just don't want to settle for anything and anyone. When I start entertaining these ideas, my oneness with my mind, body and soul continue to tell me to refrain from sporadic jumps and patiently await a life sequence and surprise. There is more lessons to be learned, many doors to open, people to recognize and places to recall and remember. I know me, and I know somewhat of where I am headed and going. I trust and respect my intuition. Hmmmm...maturity message!

So to be is to be, to learn is to openly recieve and entertain life's possibilities! I welcome it. I infact want it.

I believe.....

In just a span of two weeks life literally changed before my eyes. I was stressed and strained, broken down and broken hearted. Lonely at nights and in a dazed stance during the days. Wishing as always that my dreams would come true. A lover to come home to, a creative and productive career to awake to and in the middle and mean time red faced, loud and cackling children to cherish and share my life with. Oh how I believed this life was meant for me. The life to love and live and set me free. Feelings of a self imposed zombie state has forced me to deny my reality. Altruistic tendencies has further drawn me away. I can not see, hear or think straight. Everything bothers me or troubles me, relationships once loved are lost all over again......what am I to believe anymore?

All I could think of in times of my distress were lyrics from a Jay-Z song "And they pray and pray on my downfall....." Each word echoed volumes and reaonated deep inside. Something I so desparately sought was so long lost and gone from me. My faith and belief in self was no longer steadfast and important to me. I lost Myself.....

But in each lost step I woven a new way. I began feeling, touching and seeking and believing. Life and each troubled memory began meaning many things to me. I prayed more than ever and as openly honest as possible. With each understanding and amazing night and day I began growing tall and stronger and believing in me.

Never lost, always found. Faith has progressively saved me, and for that feat I am blessed.

In change comes answers.....

I am learning a lot about myself. With your back against the wall your mind and visual length expands. I am seeing that although I have enjoyed my solitude time, my career endeavours and the times well spent with family and friends; I still feel a sense of loneliness. Those gloomy nights when nothing can be read, viewed on TV or overly prayed upon to calm your nerves. The longing and need for your paramours touch trumps all previously addressed and spoken about.
It's winter and I'm cold. My heart is frozen amongst many warming hands, or potential romantically peaked interests who assume they have the key to melting an embedded frozen heart. Do I stab them with an eerily cold embrace, or do I await the tingling pricking sensation of being awoken again?
Is all lifes problems resloved with a flippant attitude? How am I escaping this situation? Does my great deceptive tactics go hand in hand with my need to be free, or do I finally have my moment where there is nothing behind me or facing me......I must trust and believe that everything will be ok again?
Mentally drained and romantically isolated.

Save me.....