"What do you want to know about me".....Music to my starved ears

You ask for it and you shall receive it......Those are the words that are summing up my current situation. I asked for you to become a better man. I asked for you to take a chance and allow faith and feelings to grow and develop. I asked for you to take a chance on life, on me and on us. I also asked for you to leave my life. To allow me to grow and let everything that has developed and grown amongst us within the two years of knowing you. As hard as letting you go felt, I then began to understand what exactly I was needing and wanting besides you. So an ability to be able to maintain my personal strength and wants and desires has allowed me to be able to become your friend, and as your friend I was able to look more into myself and see where I have gone wrong, and how I was going to correct my slights, misconceptions and mold my future. I let you go, but now you want to come back in?

You was hurt. You was fucked over. Whomever you loved and liked, never loved and liked you back as you needed to have experienced in your life. Assuming you allowed someone in and they turned your world emotionally upside down. You pretty much was a solider avenging your pained heart. Healing and giving love and life that second chance was never in your category. You hurt, so you never wanted to feel again. You allowed "movements" or intimacy based relationships to occur, you attempted to be that filler man and tempoary person in someone else's life, and your attempts appeared to continue to satisfy your needs and years to come, but what now has you thinking and wanting to take that step into wanting to feel again? You looked at me honestly and openly and said "What do you want to know about me..."

The most intimate and passionate moment that I have awaited for in regards to my relationship and time with you has occurred. Now where does this lead me and where am I to go now? I found myself still replaying that night and your admission to me over and over, and hearing everything you were going through that has led you to now. So something has changed and occurred with you, and a an important moment in your life. Ageism is growth and maturity, and now I see you are starting to come to terms with your maturity and growth level, but I still have a sense of doubt and nervousness within me, but what I will admit is that moment when we spoke about our feelings and expectations and wants and needs, but then we became realistic with ourselves and the possible challenges. You stated a fear of yours was being able to stay committed and faithful within a relationship, and my response and answer is "we are adults, and if you feel the need to leave the relationship, or have feelings about wanting to see someone else I would value the communication and the ability to plan and prepare myself and my heart as best as I could".
My omission to the possible failure of the relationship soured me and allowed my nerves to begin to set in place, but the answer I know and must hold on to is to relax, release and explore the relationship and friendship and allow communication to remain key. So psyching myself out before anything actually has taken off is a failing mind from previous hurts and relationships, that no longer have value in my life. So I let it go.......I let all the pain and moments diminish away. All the insecurities that I may have felt, no longer served it's purpose with me any longer.

I turned to you and closed that gap in space that separated me from you. We touched hands and made eye contact and finally closed the space between us. I looked up to you and willingly, wantingly and freely sought your Lips to mine. The time off i have had from you allowed me to continue to build and believe in myself. I allowed my relationships wants to be placed first and never secondary. I was lost in the newness and found you.

So we begin and date and start getting under way with knowing each other........


Lesson Eighty Six: I turned to you.....

Although I have met and mingled with others, I remained in love and lust of another, I sought to discontinue our relationship and transition through and on......I still turned to you. From shutting you out to turning you down I still response and reacted to you. Im not holding on to negative thoughts, and given the second chance I am willing to make my most attempts at having the relationship I need and want.

Staying committed to change

With Lent rolling in and the observance of this particular Holiday and its sacrificial meaning to all, I have decided to participate in the celebratory holiday, but with new and a defined moment for me. Never before have I become so centered and focused in giving meaning to each measure and moment in my life. Never before have I clearly outlined individual rules and regulations in regards to what I hope to accomplish, and just how am I going to go about accomplishing these goals and task at hand. So my major Lent giving moment was sacrificing the act of sex! Yes SEX! The all-inclusive, perks pushing, benefits humping, orgasmic explosions within all the regions….S.E.X., which made me delve into the meaning and origins of Lent and its ritualistic observance, and then I began questioning myself in order to see how and why I have come to give this act up for the allotted time period……

I realized that my sexual partner (s) present and past weren’t really interested in sex and love, and how I viewed and associated the two. I began to see the pattern that was becoming my sex life. Non-committed, short lived and almost impulsive temptations that left me lingering for more, or having expressed feelings of regret and at times recalling memories of wanting to forget the act. Before I committed to removing the act of sex off of the to do list, I asked myself why was I committing to such a thing? I mean I considered myself highly sexual, viable and always looking to explore, tease and test the human psyche and senses, so why then was I going to revoke my hump license? Well for instance having sex means something to me. Yes I have thoughts beyond the Orgasm and intense feelings and at times natural draw and pull alongside the raw physical attraction that cannot be compared to anything or anyone else. Having sex has registered in my 30 year old mind and body beyond the basics of you like me, I like you….let me prove this by sleeping with you. Sex for me has evolved into opening yourself beyond your vaginal walls. The act itself of loving your partner (yes showering them with kisses and affection is our way of expressing love and adoration) and being right there for them throughout your time spent remains attractive, sought after and desired in prospective lovers and partners. Being committed to the act itself and just trusting that you are not only pleasing to your partner, but you remain pleasing to yourself. You are enacting out everything you need and desire without any inhibitions towards self. You are reaching for every climatic moment and point as never before, that is when you know it’s more than sex. It’s more than the act itself. Everything and moment becomes almost aligned and you are feeling absolutely assured that you have reached even the highest pinnacle. That is when you know that it’s more than sex, it’s more than getting a notch on the old “bang it out belt”, it’s no longer a competition or sport anymore of lovers after lovers. You are no longer fighting for anyone’s specific love and attention and affections. You are joining yourself and spirit with another….So why not make it worthwhile and worth your experience and time. Why not go on a sexual cleanse and retreat?

In reading and discovering more about Lent season and the sacrifices, I have learned that it’s not about deprivation or a starving of that act you choose to eliminate. It’s about preparing you for long term goals, but thinking it thoroughly in the short time. It’s about making those steps to excel forward and completely reevaluate the situation again. It’s about putting the footwork and steps in and preceding to a renewed you.

So previous lover of my choosing I so selected you because of our connection, and assumed mutual interest in our long term goals of unison. However, you have continually shown me why my sacrifice this Lent season has more meaning and power than ever before. No longer willing to share erotic and passionate filled moments with you. No longer able to dedicate and commit my mind and body to a part time lover, well actually per diem, you didn’t put in enough work hours! No longer willing to forgo my sexual appetite and satisfaction because you can’t sustain yourself. No longer willing to put myself and my needs last because you can’t want what I need.

Lesson Eight Six: I own it
It is mine for the taking, and it is mine to own. As I rise up in front of you and stare you directly in your face, you already know what I am here for. I don’t want temporary, and I don’t need half of you. I demand all of you. No longer partially pleasing to myself, I am demanding full eroticism and an experience with a truly gifted, wanted and valued partner, but mostly importantly a mutually expressed and openly imaginative partner. Ask for and you shall receive, well I am declaring this one!

Each one Teach one

I have come across a lot of interesting self finds. For one I am a people person. I love the connection one gets (ME) when I am involved with people, a cause, or if I can be of some major assistance to someone in regards to getting a need, resource or answer to that impending headache of a question that is blistering on the mind! I realized that I continually write about resolving my romantic woes, which I am not in complaint about or see and issue with, actually I am learning more and more about myself and my individual needs that are not being heard and address, and although I write an overall essay about what I am feeling, going through and expressing it appears as if it’s more and more surface findings and nothing grounding me to continue to discover and dig deeper into my caverns of ME. It’s just when the disappointment comes and hits I am pulled away from my reality. I am pulled away from even fighting to pick up my computer and take aim at what has bothered me, festered or risen to the highest heights within me.

A valuable lesson and example I learned today was looking outside of myself and seeing the world for what it is and for what it isn’t. Just when I stepped outside of the shell of me, I began to get worried and wonder would I ever go back to my old assumptions and assumed normalcy, but then again I know that with everything comes changes and life is full of changes and transitions even if we are willing or not so willing to accept them. What is making my moment and the most of my time is finally taking ownership for me. Finally admitting to my journeys in life and the many detours that have led me to venture on trips and plains less desired and traveled on, but then again you always think to yourself if you would have never allowed this person in, you would not have witnessed the person you were shaping into or becoming.

We are all designed to embark on many travels and life adventures, but are we willing to accept these changes and challenges and acknowledge each and every hurtful slight, awkward embrace, missed love and lesson s learned? My life has a purpose and I am now growing into it more and more each day. I think back to the times when I was weak and willing and in need and assuming that all I needed in my life was someone to complete me. I was an empty glass, looking for someone to be the thirst quenching reason to progress, flow and evolve into someone and something so much more, and someone that I knew I was capable and able of becoming. Well that glass toppled over and what occurred was a shattering of glass. Pieces everywhere, sharp shards pointing up. Was I lost? Would I ever be able to piece together the pieces? What was I to become or what was I becoming? …….

FREE

I see you

Truly I never thought I would see you as clearly as I am seeing you now, Your intent is known. I am aware of what exactly you are wanting and needing from me. I am realizing that all of this time I harbored these intense, dream-like, unrealistic one sided romantic relationship. The disbelief and chains I held on my emotional center and mind. To think I was closely relating chance happenings and meetings and moments when you disclosed and expressed your inner most personal wants and needs to me as a way for us to bond, build and grow stronger and get a lot closer to one another. I the insolent human being allowed my emotional state to be so suffocated by your bull shit, that I was unable to survive the emotional turmoil for the next two and half years.........

And to this admission of my weakness, I ask myself where do you go from here? How are you going to rewrite another two years of lost time? I can only answer my own personal questions openly and honestly and omit to my life weakness and moment in my emotional state and time when I succumbed to feelings of bliss and assumed love.

So counting time and time again my emotional upheaveals and battles with the way to love and learn and how to go about it the right way or assumed right way.....all I can say is that I am not afraid to love again, and although I have come across amazing moments and experiences in my life and time, I have come to terms with knowing that in my past I have loved and attempted to deny love and live crazed and fancy free, however, I have grown into love and experiences and had some amazing moving moments, and at other time I had tail spins and world winds, but I simply maintained my open and closed mindset.......but now I have found. The freedom......The ability to vocalize all my intentions and meaning, and holding all my desires and emotions accountable. No longer will I feel that I am settling for less, but I am looking to compliment my personal self, journeys and growth for the better.

It took seeing how possessive someone was, and one sided and determined to take their emotional shortcomings out on my highly bubbly and personable personality and self. It took an insecure man to see my ability to captivate a crowd or group, smile and laugh and show my amazing love and life. A man to separate me from my reason and abilities, and hold me almost hostage to my emotions and love life, confused and in a zombie-like state.........Years of on and off and wasted moments, but lesson learned.

Giving myself up and over to the ability to transcend and grow up and develop to live and learn and definitely love again encourages me. I have faith and believe that I am able to make the most of my passions and desires in my life and within my own eyes. Day by day I am building on controlling my emotions, and taking hold and capture of my life and within my own world. I am fortunate and blessed and ready to continue to experience and learn and give back. I have learned and lived to see another day, moment and time in my life.

The romantic and relationship chaos is what I have made it through. I am making it through. Day by day, moment by captured moment.

I salute you

For your strength and dedidcation o continuing to better yourself. I salute you on your daily battles, whether it's right or going towards the wrong....you stand true to yourself and your individual life choices.
You welcome others into your burning heart, letting people in and letting people go. Sacrificing your happiness for the sake of others. You amaze me. I thank you. Time and time again you places your needs secondary to others. You look to the only one who can set us free. You count on faith that everyday you will get better as well as others. Your well wishes and kind thoughts leave no one uncovered. Even for the ones who choose to be beacons on negative lights, you choose to support and surround them with your blessings and faith.
Emotions lead you back, but logic captures you in. Although you have struggled and continue to struggle you remain humble to everything before you.
There was a time when nothing was going well. Everything looked dull and black. Space and time held no meaning, there was no sense of balance. Yet you remained humble and believed each struggle felt and experience, each tiring and endless moment all would work out well and for the best.
Steadfast in the belief that it may not happen how we want and expect it to occur, but it will occur.
I thank you. For you have grown. You have grown.

Intrigued!

Having almost talked myself out of a date, I decided to give this date a chance and not be overly judgemental or entirely uninterested. By the grace of nature and the happenings of modern technology and a schedule that continues to grow, with too many things to do during the day, and so little down time to rest and relax and regroup.
So I rescheduled my date from yesterday to today. I actually felt a little bad, that I allowed life and the many occurences to dictate my time. I am the one looking and seeking companionship, and when offered the opportunity to get to know a new person and start fresh with no doubts or in betweens, I bombed! However, Mr. New called, and he was ok with rescheduling, and actually he wanted to hang out today (the following day) which led me to believe that he was very interested in meeting with me. So I approved, and am actually looking forward to meeting him.

I made amends with a lover from the past, knowing that we left each other on good terms, and although we remain in love with each other, at this moment and time, having a relationship probably isn't possible. Visiting each other, and beginning anew and again, seems to be a more accurate display of our love and affections and attentions. The question I pose to myself is, am I able to balance this love act? Will I be seeking and searching for more? I am able at this time now to say that I am aware of the love and relationship I want for myself and my life, and although I love him, I can't have the type of relationship I would want with him just now. It may or may not occur, however, I am not remaining optimistically challenged, I am remaining realistically appealing!

So I decided to try dating websites, and also, new forms and venues of dating and I have concluded that the dating websites aren't for me, and also, meeting friends from friends through friends is ok at times, but not appealing. So just how and where do I meet these amazing characters, who may write a piece and response in my life? I am trusting that it will occur, and when it occurs I will know. I was once told that my "hippie" thoughtset of "it will be will be" isn't logical or even for that matter practical, but it has worked out at best and well for me, you see I know and feel my love, and my love and strength for and towards another. I trust my instincts and don't doubt myself at all. For with each passing day he sways closer and closer to me......

A calm has settled and come over me. I am ready and relaxed and willing to take my time. I value the importance and life lessons I have been taught, and I use to test and doubt myself, however, no longer. I am very proud of myself, and also, I look forward to the many learned life lessons!

Paradise....

I welcomed you back into my life, to what degree and what aspect, I have no idea, all I know is that I want to be there for you, and there with you. Our time is limited and unfortunately infrequent, however, our love is ever long and lasting. Reading your response to my email inquiry led me to believe two things, that the love still remains between us, that connection that is undeniable and so strong remains. Secondly, where do we go from here? Does acknowledging our feelings and emotions and verifying this connecting bond mean anything in regards to continuing on and pursuing further?

This week has been a feelings and emotionally challenged and based week. I have come to terms with being a sensual and sexual women past and present, however, I am shaping my future. No longer seeking pleasurable moments in short lived relationships, no longer holding my heart, my love and myself hostage. I am answering each beckoned call, and declining uninteresting partners. I have grown up to respect the quality of love making and my partner, rather than the quantity of several partners, and mixing and matching and comparing love making sessions.

So I am starting to refocus and revisit the idea of meaningful relationships, monogamy at a whole, celibacy and sexual isolation, individual pleasure and self pleasurable and pleasing experiences. I am developing and learning the language and lingo of my world and life, but bringing maturity and experience, valued lessons and learned experiences into increased knowledge and awareness and a better handle on my suggested relationship and love out look.

I let go the dead end people and relationships that were going no where. My guilt in staying confined and one with my demise no longer suits me. I am ok with loving more than one person, I am ok with truly exploring my boundaries and opening up my love life and world to a willing and cherishing partner. I have settled for less too many times, and end up the outsider looking in. So I choose to select my experiences. I choose to share my mind, body and soul with a lucky partner, not just a temporary respite for the night. Longevity......

When does one stop holding back? I am letting go. I am giving myself a chance. I am not denying myself no longer, and whereever this connection between me and you go and furthers I will take it there. I welcome it and you. I truly loved you all my life. I loved you enough to let you go, and allow different love and relationships to enter my life, but I never stopped loving you. Although I couldn't help but separate you from my world, I didn't entirely give in or give up. I faltered, but I came right back to circle and where I belong, and that's with you.

So this may work out, this may fail. The distance may get us, but one thing I know is I am not letting go. I am going to make my most and best attempts and love like I always loved. With you and for you.

Lesson Eight Five: Love on Top.....
It returns back to you as never before. Once you experienced it and are given a second opportunity to pursue it, I say take it. I say enjoy your life and make those mistakes, and rekindle those lost issues and incidents for the appropriate closure needed. This moment in my life I am allowing myself to be. I am allowing myself to go full circle, explore and experience and love!