You will never consume me........

Just when you thought I was down………..


As always there will be times when your emotions will literally take a choke hold over you! There will be times when you cry an ocean, and exert so much energy on ridding yourself of the person and experience; you totally forget how and why you allowed this incident and issue to consume you. There is never enough time in the day to do anything anyway, so why allow a person or relationship gone bad to ruin the precious experiences and times ahead. So with all that lovely jazz being stated I have devised a sure wind plan to get me back on my feet and ahead of this board game…..

Whenever I am down and if it is because of you I smile. I champion the fact that I and I only make me feel and experience and go through many changes in my life. Oh yes I allowed you to be apart of my life, but briefly you can be denied from my life. I will be upset, and I may shed a few tears, but I will never ever deny myself before you. I will hold my head high and speak volumes of who I am! Yes….WHO I AM! I am a woman who is proud to be passionate, exotic, determined, intelligent, vocal, loving and caring, and yes sexy as hell. I am the woman that caught your eye, read you that bed time story and put your ass to sleep. Oh you forgot all of that? I sure didn’t! So when it’s time to close your chapter and prepare myself for your supposed returns in my life I will have already detached myself from you and that experience. Far and few never. For you will be easily forgotten, as you were easily experienced……

Vixen or plain mean????

So as I write this blog there as always remains to be a romantic issue or definite influx going on. I would say at this moment the influx is the ability for one to see that hey there is possibilities and potential to experience and have a relationship; however, one must remain in constant jerk mode (not knowing that chivalry still exists) and sending dual messages. As always I tire of playing the psychic and Ms. Cleo. I tire of trying to figure you out and save you from yourself. I also really don’t like the fact that if I see so much potential and possibility with you, why can’t you value that vision and run with it? There is always confusion and constant up/down upheavals going on, however, I continue to entertain this issue and you, so obviously and at times unfortunately I am not entirely done or truly dismissal of you. So…..will I continue to entertain you, or go out on a shit load of dates and defy my wanting to get to know and slow you and your issues? Stay tuned….


Lesson Sixteen: Finding forever right now is a pain in the ass……
When did falling in interest and like turn into a major life issue and impending decision making experience. Relationship will never be easy, nor will they be easily sought after. The willingness to continue to survive and maintain your key qualities and components in your need and wants will determine your outcome. Unless you want a challenge!

Letting Love Vanish before my eye.......

To each his own……

There are many factors and possibilities in life. Life consists of so many roads, doors, stairways and so on. Tell me….how can I remain on a balanced and steady road. A road that does not struggle to remain straight. A road that doesn’t curve so much and turn so much. A road that guides me to progression and success. Where can one find such a road and place of stillness and contentment? Where?
My continued search and analyzing of the human mind, heart and soul. I say to myself daily if it is not one thing, then surely it’s the other. So as I opened myself to passionately shut you down, I closed myself to passionate poisons. I allowed my heart to venture in continuance of a me and you. I hoped that by time and distance you as space would be the filler I needed. I even fantasized situational occurrences in my mind, hoping and needing to know this is how you’d react and respond. When the time away and apart was acknowledged, and you appeared to have missed me, you came to me. As I opened my hearts doors wide open for you again, you drank from it and me. Embracing the sweet sounds and feelings of a floating and beating desire. A desire so deep and strong I have no name or calling for it, but just a feeling. A feeling that it’s yours. It’s you, and I am for you.
A day went by; a week went by and times seems readily flying yet again. Back to the before. Back to when I just could not stand to take you anymore. Do I shelter myself and heart? Do I cry and belittle myself for being weak to you yet again. Do I dare say to you in your face “Baby this is not for me, I a leaving it and you alone”. So many mixed emotions and feelings. So many racing thoughts throughout my mind. My heart is telling me to hold on and watch you grow. My mind is telling me you will never grow, you have it simple and so easy, why transition? I have written you a closure letter, I have vowed my celibacy. I have broken my celibacy and vowed my heart for you and its impending feelings. Why, I ask myself continually? If you know where this experience and situation is going, why bother? Why upset yourself further and delve into the unknown? Why continue to castrate your heart for a loved to never be received and reciprocated? Why?
As I look at the letters and words and sentences on this page, I can only say…….. That Why is what brought me to you? Curious as to if I am ever going to have that experience like no other. Curious to the fact that life is something to be seen, tasted, touched and heard. I am no stranger to hardships and hurt. I also know that when I am ready I will leave you alone. It’s already resolved within me that you are not for me. I always wanted you to see what the best in me is, so you could accept and develop an affinity and love for me, but who are you to judge me? You have no idea who I am, and as I can see, you have no reason or care to figure me out or care to figure me out. I am no longer hurt by you, by happy for you. I will not be upset or mad anymore for failed attempts at relationships.

Can we try again?........
Starting new and fresh always brings back the old and closed memories and people. A major fear and factor in resuming the past and picking up the pieces, is just how back in time is the past? Have we changed so much that there is nothing binding and tying? I ask myself, if you didn’t want me then, then how in the hell are you in love with me now? Do I really want to go back in the past? Is this experience something I am looking forward to? I have so many questions and yet no answers. In due time everything will be answered and resolved within and for me.

Lesson Fifteen: I release when I am ready…….
I can never hold on you. I can always hope that deep down inside and somewhere within you; you would change and come correct with me and my feelings for you. However, that is wishful thinking and life must resume and as they say “The show must go on”. So I have battled myself for weeks at a time and have resolved to let you alone and be. Life made an attempt with me and you. Life also closed off for me and you. Although it’s an experience in heartache, it was a needed experience. Let love conquer, let love vanish. Allow one to experience the good and bad, allow one to release all the sad.

Let me in..............................

Let me quench my thirst……………………


I was on your mind. I was on your mind. I would like to run that through my mind on and on again. I would LOVE to spell that out, write it all over the hallway and bathroom walls, go on the public record and state “Baby, I was on your mind”. Like water to a thirsty man…..Baby I was on your mind. Damn that felt good to hear and expel. The moment presented itself and it went very well. I am fortunate to have experienced that moment with you, for I knew you could have easily dismissed and forgotten me. You was too caught up with not feeling and caring to want to admit and express it. Why wait until now to relay this information to me? What I wanted once which was fast, I want to drink it slow. I want to allow the water to seep through my mouth to the back of my tongue, all the way down my throat and dribble all through out my body. I want to experience the sensation of knowing what I am getting, and each drink and swallow I experience and taste all of you. I don’t want to ever let loose and let go. I want to continue to intoxicate myself on your sweet juices. I am physically, mentally and sexually spent just drinking from you, imagine just exactly a full body, intimate, mind blowing experience would do….to me, to you, for me, for you. “Baby, I was on your mind”


Choices…………….

So life has a funny way of presenting itself; so I am thinking (as always) that perhaps my new phase in life is meant to enable me to be able to handle life occurring at different paces, and getting to know and understand all and everyone who is meant to experience life with me. However, I am getting a kick out of life, for you see life has not been overly kind to me. Life has allowed me to see the negatives, rather than feast from the positives; however, I have risen from all of life’s strife’s and misfortunes. I am blessed to have the ability to intuit life from many angles and perspectives. So this opportunity that is before me presents itself like this: I have the opportunity to watch and allow my feelings to brew and grow. Feelings that are normally inferno level of desire. Feelings that are and will always present themselves forward, because I am an emotional being. I live from my feelings. They awake and arouse me, they entrance and enthrall me, they allow me to see who you are and will be to me. They gather me up and fight for me, however, at times these feelings engulf and control and get the best of me, but I fight…..and transition on. So this choice and opportunity that has presented itself is getting to know you. Develop a me and you and not depend only on what I initially feel, for what I feel is to be true, then me and you will succeed as two. So I am using logic and then my heart. So with you I will keep the balance. I will keep the faith and hope that we can develop into a me and you. I am thoughtful and mindful that we will come together. I feel you. I dreamed of you, while lying next to you. You said to me “I love you”, and then I knew.

Taking a step and a stride……….

Walking the walk and the easy talk all in all has never and will never be for me, but making sense of the nights and days and the times and places and people in my life, we I am grateful and thankful to be afforded the many experiences and opportunities. Coming to you with a free and clear heart, mind and soul. If you ask me I’m ready.


Lesson Fourteen: Invite ME IN!
Life is meant to walk through your front doors!!! Let HER in! Although life presents itself in many factors, never give up hope that one day, just that one day life will align with all, and with all you will feel and be completed. I love life.

A challenge of sorts......

Putting it and YOU into action......

So the emotional up's and down's of the past two weeks have allowed me to take a lot of reflective moments in time and thought to capture the essence of my moment. I have concluded that it is okay to feel, and experience a situation or moment and release it. I am not to continually dwell and mope and become upset about something I can not control, channel or for that matter amend to how I would want it to be and turn out. I am for that matter a puppet to my own desires. So with that being said I am going to embrace time, patience and the feeling(s) of being in the moment. There is nothing better than well placed and experienced moments. I get a tingle of happiness and a rise of growth from rereading that paragraph. I am letting go everything that I assumed held me back in regards to my dating and relating romantic experiences. I am allowing people, and opportunities to present themselves for good, for bad and for all. SO if you want to say I threw in that white towel, or ran in front of that psychotic bull with a red flag......well you can say that!!


Starting over?.......

A fresh start? A start unlike any other? I am more aware and also current with just where I want and need to be. Although I can not forecast the future, or even predict the present, all I can do is hold on to the moral grounds and position in my life that I have held steadfast to. I know I can accomplish and achieve just about anything and everything, so why should I allow romance to be the FLU of my world! I also decided the take charge attitude just is not as easy and appealing as I once assumed. This attitude becomes upsetting and nerve wrecking when things don't go your way, and you are left to fend for your emotional self and own good. The approach that is winning the highest honors with me is coming across laid back, and just being and allowing life to present itself and open them doors wide open. This approach is so different and new to me, that each day I continually learn and gravitate towards the positive and good things from each calming experience, and for that I continually say how fortunate and grateful I am. So starting over, changing directions, finding my right now and not chasing forever all sums up my twenty nine years of romantic woes, up's and down's and down right crazy train experiences. I am allowing life to win, and take me by surprise.

Lesson Thirteen: Clearing the AIR!
Allowing yourself to say I have been there, done that, co signed and circled on the dotted line, and still no appealing life results allows one to say life I am ready. Having traveled many different courses throughout my life, and I am sure I have many more to achieve and travel through; this particular life course I am willing, openly and honestly accepting. PATIENCE

With ease do I allow you to invade my senses......

So off to a new beginning?


Through the emotional overhaul and the up's and down's regarding the dating and relating factor, I am finally in a position to accept things for whatever they are and may be. I am finally in a position to open the flood gates, but not to tidal waters, but to a stream and flow of steady water. I was in a position when I damn near rebuked thee, but how could thee be the one of immediate and lasting interest to me. There is nothing that you can and can't do that will not interest me, although you pretty much allowed things to happen how you pictured. How is that I feel so extraordinary, but then at the same time I feel so leveled. I may want to say it has a lot to do with you, however, the complexity of not having one's way, and seeing that all relationships are not similar, but entirely different remains to be beneficial, as well as a positive experience for me. I can not compare you to my past relationships, nor can I snatch you up and just pretend that all will be well. You are right; I don't know you too well. Why am I giving you my all and heart in one way and peace, why am I celebrating myself openly and honestly with you? Why am I keen to want to go far, but yet never slow down to exist. Why? I do this because I care. I do this because I want to get to know you. I am throwing and rolling out that red carpet, because baby I am yours. Although you want to go slow with me, and walk with me, I am still jogging ahead of you, just trust me and follow me. Would you let me let you listen and love me. Would you?


Patience........

So allowing me to grow and figure out the ways of the world and my time in this world is coming into handy. Perhaps it’s the added year of wisdom and blossoming I have gathered. Or perhaps it’s the love and affection from my family and friends that is allowing me to gather my inner strength and present myself in such a way that I can not be stopped or touched. I am only touched by those whom I allow to suckle me, not suck me. Suckle me as a sweet piece of berry you never touched before. Suckle me as if I am the honey that is begging you to try some more. Man, do I remember a time in my life when patience was my enemy, oh how I cursed her so. Well Patience I accepted your hand and welcomed you into my life. I have afforded you a ride into my nocturnal night. I have given up and drained myself of the pain, but picked myself up, screaming your name. Patience, you are my world and life, because without you I couldn’t survive another heart broken night. I am afforded your guidance and blessings, and you knew I would come around anyway. Thanks for waiting!

Taking a chance and a step......

You make me laugh and smile, and you make me nervous all at once. You make me think of the happy moments in my life. You give me strength not to mope or gloom doom around the house, but strength to move forward and on. I think and question and doubt naturally, but I transition those emotions and feelings immediately. I am happy that you entered into my life. I am excited and eager to get to know you. There is chemistry and an undeniable connection. I am excited and eager to see it comes to fruition.



Lesson Eleven.....Waiting isn't so bad
Although I would wish time past and make the clock speed up, I am asking for time to stand still for me. I am asking for my mind, body and soul to connect in unison for me. I am asking myself to remain patient and wait on progress. I am learning to smile, laugh, and giggle. I am taking my time to enjoy the simplicities of life. I am taking my time. I am taking my time.

Taking the Super Hero role or Villian????

So it seems you have stumbled upon me yet again.......DECISIONS

It's as if it was all a dream. I really didn't think too much about you or the consequences of my actions. I really didn't think how you would feel before or after. I really did not think that you would come to matter, care or for that matter be a topic of desire and interest for me. I truly took your time and moment for myself and my pleasures only. If for being nice, and presenting good conversations, and outright acceptability of you....well I was just being ME. I was just assuming that you would go with the ebb and flow of the day and nights. I was assuming that "I had this", and that there was no reason why I couldn't control the matter, you, feelings and the emotional tides.......Am I sorry? Not really. I do apologize for the unexpected outcome and assumed behaviors. I do feel a way about how everything happened, and also, for my need to clear all by shutting you down and out. This is for the best and the better, for I was only a moment in your time. Nothing to want, desire or need further. For I was your spoil.....throw me away before I rot you.


Perhaps being on top of the ROMANTIC world isn't so bad at all......

When does one loose reality and grip with a never ending situation or cause? When would one finally face the fact that, HEY this is life and it's a part of the growth process? When will one (I, ME, SHE OR HE) realize that games are trivial and are meant to be played at a caution and arms length away from the heart, for I have been the game inventor, and key player and I am already throwing in the towel. So I roll the dice.....I hit an odd number continually. Is that a good sign or is that a bad sign of life???
Going from being the text and call queen, to entertaining wanted guests at night, to the lonely, heart stricken, painful moments in my time. What a stretch one would say! From slights imagined, to actual beaten down betrayal; this game is no longer in tune and touch with me. I must quickly put it away.


So I ask myself.......

I was attempting to go this way, but I turned that way seemingly attempting to be neutral, but not overly extra. I ended up with more problems to care for. I pay you, and me and her no mind, because at the end of the day it no longer exists or troubles me. Going the straight and narrow does not exist; it consists of winding, strange and stronghold roads. Discipline myself one would say, buckle down another would say, but all in all, I change for not.


Lesson Ten: If you seek it, you shall get it.....
Always know that what you put forth will push you right backward. What you hold and hide in secret, will gesture and beckon to come out. What you render as useless will become priceless and up for many to grab. To not respect and take heed, will only lead to your departured time. CHOICES!

Tell me more.......

Simplicity at it's best???

So cutting the ties that have bonded me has never before been so difficult. Someone you are crushing on, and thinking and dreaming of passionately..... (Here comes a huge bucket of COLD WATER on your head) Wake up time! So although I declared war on my dating and relating life and resolved to actively seek solitude and celibacy rule, I have ventured to say the poisonous detox is starting. This is not the best feeling of even encouraging one to go through this torture of a withdrawal. Although I make and break myself, open myself to happiness and sadness, I know that this feeling and moment is just not for me. Where is my happiness, where the fuck is my rays of sunshine? How one concieve of so many cwhat if's in a day? It's like damned if I am, and I sure am! So with all of this said I continue to move forward and through this moment in time, although I appear stagnant. I see no positive changes, and my motivating factor continues to dim in the light of all lights....which are truth. I am feeling a disconnection from all and everyone. I am quick to blame, become harsh with my wording, looking for trouble, easily and eagerly engaged in a verbal match with another who wants to contend with me. I am very distracted, and also, annoyed instantly. I dislike these moments and feelings, because it is my way of letting go. Letting the anger and resentment and hurt funnel out of my body. Distressed I am. Sadden and upset I am. I can only think back and recount the "Where did I go wrong moment". Talking to my friends is therapeutic, but it never lessens the pain you feel. The hurt that is aching throughout your body. I hold my head down in shame of my actions and behaviors. I become super emotional, and within these emotions my passions are ablaze. I feel like I can do, react and respond to just about anyone and anything, all in good judgment???? Nope! So I know I must refrain and stay away from these feelings and emotions, and swallow this recent relationship bitter pill.


Tears of release.......

Each one that slides down my face is for you. It's releasing you from me, from within me. Some nights were crazy, some nights was extremely passionate, but this night there is nothing more than the closing of all my doors. The door to my mind is closed. The door to my heart is closed. The door to my body is most definitely closed. I cannot comprehend you, nor do I want to figure you out right now. I have no idea how and why I personalized this experience, or what let me to think that you wanted me so. I shed that tear, because that sentence was too deep. Deep enough that it pushed a few more tears out. Damn this is fucking with me. I mean really making me think back to the time in my life when I cared or even for that matter lusted after someone deeply. We promise ourselves this all the time "Never to fall and hurt again", but we succumb to a poisonous death.


Deep in my sadness I still survive. i hold my head up truly high and look to the sky for healing, counseling and guidance. Truly blessed I am. I know this because of what I have witnessed and experienced. I may falter and stumble, but I am always walking steady. Times may be hard and difficult, but I maintain and make it through. I will not always live up to even my expectations, but I am never EVER going to be a secondary or stagnant figure in your life. Cancel me out, close this door, for I have forgotten and won’t look to you anymore. Good Bye!

Lesson Nine: Staying True
Deep inside my needs and desire encompass all. This may not necessarily be a good thing, but hey it's what guides me through. I trust and love me enough to know that all in all, it and people, and unpleasant experiences will pass.