It's YOU!

I still haven't given up on dating and relating and ideally finding the life match for me. I have come across a few that have left impressions on my heart to having someone who dipped briefly into my heart, but yet he was too shallow and weak for my love. It has literally become it's not me it's a you type situation, and oddly the annoyance bells aren't ringing in my ears just yet. I had my misty eyed moment, a big glass of merlot and a music rotation that will master all emotions that are in question...and I have come out OK and stronger than before and realizing that I am everything that I would want and need and that I am enough and in no need for anyones addition into my life if they are coming with dead weight and toxicity.

We are not alive to be annoyed, bickering or belittling one another because we are inept and inebriated at the moment. The reality of this situation is when you trust your emotional curves, and you allow all logic to hit the road and your feet become wet by the road to passion clothed as love everything hits the wall; and so when it's suddenly all over and the rug that was ripped from beneath my solid footing has whisked me into the air in a suspended animation, I have major life choices to make. Either I can come crashing down on the cemented pavement and break everything within my body and continued having my heart shattered, or I can prepare for the impact, shield my heart and body from the impact, collapse into a roll for my landing and get back up and resume life and normalcy as I dust everything that I had previously experienced off and breathe in a hefty breath of knowingness that everything will be ok. I choose the impacted fall with the planned roll and dust off!

I asked myself why did he come into my life? He appeared to be someone I assumed could grow to become that someONE for me; however, he has literally disappointed me and yet I continued to want to be understanding and learn to deal with yet another undeveloped and jaded heart and soul, but this time I am checking within myself and asking what is the lesson here in this experience? I have yet to discover the answer, so Im letting it GO...

I am taking my time yet again, but I am not allowing these attempts at the heart to disappoint me. I have realized that I am actually ready to continue to push myself and my adventure seeing moments forward, rather than hibernate in a state of suspended assumed loving animation.

I however will not stop giving the most and continue to hold no expectations, because I AM!

I welcome his loving embrace. I welcome his unconditioned love. I dare give my day and nights to him. The love created liberated me. The love resolved within my heart has settled deeply into my soul, affording me comfort in my new role within our lives. I have adjusted to the sways of a best friend, a lover, a caretaker and home maker in preparation of furtherance of us. I delved into the recess of my heart and invoked forgiven passion befallen on me. I no longer looked at my past as betrayal ridden and stolen moments of misrepresented passion.

There was always hope. My now was never a figment of my imagination. I have triumphed over dreams that made no sense to me until now. I am stepping forward and daring to dream. I believe that our connection and roles in one another lives was meant to be, and so I am being. I am existing. We are living and cultivating our distinct lives in unison. We no longer fear or doubt others, we embrace our roles and willingly walk towards our destinations arms extended, hands clasped and with love.

I thank you.

For my now has never felt so amazing and so real and right on time as it does now. My now has opened before me and has centered me and I am so ready to receive it. There is nothing that love hasn't healed within me. I walk with my eyes closed knowing that I am guided to everything I need and am needed for.

My soul has centered and found my twin flame. The lover that has centered me, guided me to visualize my feminine beauty and aspects on renewing and creating life. My lover has invoked the marital spirit within me; the spirit that journeys with her husband through his trials and tribulations, encourages his success and hugs him within defeat. My lover has enclosed me in a protective embrace, calming any fears and unwelcome ones into our lovers bubble. My lover has saved me and renewed my faith in the human spirit and connection of this thing called life.

I thank you.

Carnal Instincts: The Passion within exists

I have collapsed into the natural rhythm of answering a want, need and desire. Come to find out, this want, need and desire is a packaged deal. This want, need and desire have occupied my days and night’s, and this want, need and desire is not a representative at all. This want need and desires are the REAL deal; which has created a duality of emotions and thoughts to start running into one another becoming unnerving and exiting at the same time.

My objective as always is to put my needs first and to take in consideration nothing outside of self when it comes to the physical craving of my carnal instincts, but when my mind is seduced to the point of no comparison and return!

Oh Boy!!

Well I am giving into the mind seduction, which is creating a tidal wave of emotional openness and being receptive to new happenings…and I’m readily writing about this occurrence, which is literally in the melting pot of my current life status and situation. My thoughts have cooled and calmed and are entirely rational in regards to the belief set of the universal pull and the belief of kismet.

I breathe in a breath of awareness and within being aware I have grown fonder of the chemical conception of a winter’s fresh start pressing on the eve and day of a new year.

How cool is “He” V.E.R.Y

It was ALL a Dream : Fade To Black

I clasped the phone a little tighter. I allowed the conversation to linger just a little longer. I was seething with a rhythmic passion, as I imagined you beside me as you dipped your head a little closer. I closed my eyes and leaned into you a little more wanting your lip moisture more than ever, as the conversation continued my face began to become flush, my breathing was sensually labored and my legs began to outstretch and beg to be touched, centered and spread widely apart. I was aching for your touch as I cradled the phone to my ear a little tighter my fantasy was beginning to take flight until his tone stunted my world.

The more he spoke directly into the phone the more my passion bubble popped. I started seeing him in another light, and well understanding and adhering to an individuals daily planning can tame heightened passions just so far, and well my passion meter was writhing with doubt and defeat.

It was like cold water showered evenly on my head. I wasn’t entirely prepared, but then I began expecting the conditions that would come from steaming hot to artic blasted cold. I turned within myself and soothed the defeated lover’s heart. I would not take on the responsibility of feeling like I lost on a sensual moment, I was well prepared and in actuality the ball was no longer in my court. I had made my moves well in advance like a skilled solider ready for battle, but this battle ended before it even started.

The in and out of his fading voice was becoming entirely distant and unrecognizable. An exchange of evening pleasantries completed the distanced good night and good bye. The cool night’s air filtered into the room; I fully rested my body on the bed and stared aimlessly at the ceiling.

Fade to Black-

It's Your World

I won’t pull back!

 In fact, I am not backing down at all. There have been times when unanswered questions have crossed my mind years later. Desires that needed further probing and discovery, intimacy that was left unturned; wants and needs left to be desired after. You can never find this in another if you haven’t discovered your own personal openness to your very own intimacy and passion levels, how can you expect it from someone else?

The mantra I was rolling with was harboring no feelings of attachments and longed for desires, because life simply wasn’t set up for that existence when I thought about. Basically, I could be a dreamer, a lover, a romantic, a sinner and a saint. I could be your best dream or worst nightmare; it is whatever it’s going to be. I could not plan anything beyond the time frame I already existed in; I absolutely held no care or concern over being in absolutely control. All I can guarantee is my participation in this adventure.

It had become a key ingredient in the mixture I was creating for myself. The mixture was based on my findings of simple pleasure and enjoyment, not wondering about anything I wasn’t personally invested in. With that being said there was no mention of long-term relationships with preparation for what our shared future would look like. My life had transitioned to basically understanding the world in a matter that was ME inspired.

I can taste you on my tongue.

I absolutely will not hold back from the physical impact of pronounced chemistry!

I will not define my desire for you, because it simply exists.

I’m not sure if you know the passionate hurricane you stirred deep within…

A lover's death with the past

I have once again thrown myself into my own enclosed life happenings which have all evolved around semi planning, constant daydreaming and channeling my inner golden tube of creativity and self awareness of exactly who I am, and whom I’m becoming. I am in awe and adoration of HER “Me”, and so I started the year loosely cutting the ties of experiences that haven’t kept my interest, but contented me enough to wet my appetite for rekindled romances that are forever stunted in their start to finish, and as each bond was severed I started to remember why the bonds had been broken and why it has become convenient to rekindled such fallen attempts at love, because disappointment is best served chilled, and apparently I was already one cup in!

He was someone I could see the present and future with. He was someone that I spent numerous travel hours with. To and from our homes cities to our planned getaways, it was like nothing else mattered, but our inability to compromise on balancing our relationship or even further developing our relationship caused our downfall and created distance and space that never seemed to have been able to catch up to one another, but yet oddly I held hope for the ability of an unfiltered love to gather it’s steam in the midst of many of life’s storms and for us to be deemed the two sailing ships in the night, that once again cross ways…but all the hoping and dreaming and wondering if our path crossings once again was beyond my control. As we started down the path of familiarity, we began entertaining rekindled hopes and lover’s tales of our travels and steamed meetings that left us never wanting to part. Our distance of 900 miles away was cut to just about 20 miles away! The idea that distance at one time had kept us apart, was no longer an excuse and it was even more apparent that our lovers heart’s had reached it’s threshold and it was time for us to exist, but yet as with my experience with rekindled love and life experienced within the past, I knew that I simply needed to let it and HIM go, but yet I yearned for the moment when all had failed because I knew that he was never the one for me, but a channel for a life experience that I needed to go through in order to develop the ability to be able to let it and them and all my distant recurring memories go.

We could never agree to a mutual meeting location because of our schedules. My life took an amazing blessing of a turn and my reality began to unfold in almost an open to clasped handed stance ever so peacefully. I had almost agreed to a shared weekend in the mountainous regions of my new home, but yet I listened to my inner stirring that caused me to request a sit down meeting to discuss where this rekindled romance was possibly going…it was then I received the strength to inquire about the uneasiness I was feeling about our rekindled romance and the future of us if there was to be us…

It was then the disappointment and the reality of the expected failed romance settled in with me. He was living a dual life with hopes of easing inside of me once again, basking in our created bucket listed fantasies shared amongst us in many destinations and hotels where we desired. Little did he know that I was no longer a fantasy that he desired, I couldn’t meet him half way or await for the departure of his newly revealed relationship to end as smoothly as he stated it to me. Taken aback, but balanced with the hope that I knew looking in the past for fallen love would be exactly that…dead to me.

So I let him go, he faded to black in the midst of the broken hearts.

So I look forward.

I have moved forward, and with the hopes of no longer rekindling lost loves, but developing new found interests shared openly and communicated honestly and with my best intentions on moving forward and wanting absolutely more, because I desire a mate who will exist in the present and bridge to my future without haunting me as a rekindled past member of the losing cycle within love.