To Kill A Fantasy: Oh Dearest I do!

The pain subsides when you start to uncover the causes of the ache more and more. When you fear asking further or inquiring deeper with your significant other or present interest, you burden yourself with the stories left untold. We want communication and the ability to openly flow with our partners, but yet once we are denied that inner comfort and almost hall pass into the realm of our “chosen one” everything in the relationship begins to subside and form into a fantasy ship, in which you play out in your very own mind the projected outcomes of an inquiry or problem, or fantasize a passionate moment of the story you created.

Share in the truth. The raw unadulterated truth the old saying of it never hurts to ask anyone a question almost resonates loudly and so true.

I say this because I have silenced my own passions and inquiries because I didn’t want to dig deeper or have to continually open myself up to someone who wasn’t presently there. I imagine taking my heart outside of my body, and holding it above my head allowing the air and blue skies and sun beams to grant it serenity and protection and not allowing anyone to take it away from me or have it within their grasp and squeeze it lifelessly.

That fear has wavered between so many situations and life transitions within my current state that I have finally began to appreciate the reality of each and every experience. Having felt that perhaps I lessened my role of engagement because I gauged the situation mentally before communicating exactly what I was feeling openly, before I even allowed my fear to settle so deeply in that it literally stunted my conversations, caused general angst and discomfort and feelings of insecurities to overwhelm what I was truly feeling.

So where is the pain now?

The pain is some place in between recognizable and dissipating within the depths of reaching out and allowing my intentions and motives are known. I am recognizing that there is significance in pain, but there is also knowledge with letting the feelings subside and allowing life to naturally unfold before me regardless of inner fears and previous challenges being faced.

I tell myself everyday to fear not is to worry not and to never not is a short life lived.

I’d rather not…experience that limiting life factor.

Lover's Manifesto: I Question-

"Everyone departs from the imagery of their one and true love for sometime…the idea no longer is haunting or becomes a sickened sense to your already overly stimulated heart. The idea that all is perfectly free from infidelities of life no longer is a hidden aspect of your relationship. Could you imagine your lover whispering freely in your ear as he strokes your side as you snuggled and position yourself deeply into his middle and listen to their weekends rendition of captured love outside of your existent relationship…”I absolutely fed myself on her body, It felt as each taste and touch was sweet nectar and was ripened only for me”.  Would you then turn deeper into his embrace and purr for the entire story or would you secretly melt deeply into the moment wishing your hearing and emotional senses away just for that given moment in time?"

The unknown is what pollutes our minds with the endless possibilities and scenarios. Not knowing is knowing more than enough, and coming to a conclusion that you deduced from your emotional lack and unaddressed needs is what perfumes the air of mystery.

Could I speak openly to my lover about my infidelity? Could the comfort and ease come with knowing, but expecting that no one could ever replace my lover because within my heart of hearts they are simply elevated on another life plain that at the moment no one could ever reach to, although I fall in and out of love with others frequently (perhaps too frequently) our uniquely defined love could never be crossed or could it?

We want substance to our love life and love pattern and behaviors, but yet when we introduce a reality of what our love life could resemble and look like honestly, would we even want it anymore? Could two lovers simply exist unapologetically and openly together as possible, or would the expected responses and reactions to a hidden love, neither burdening your world or your lovers world speak more volumes than any experience thus far?

What’s my love style you ask?

I am in between loving the world openly and unconditionally, but not focusing exclusively on one lover in particular because I have not met the lover that only allowed my eyes to open to him, or my heart to beat for him or my mind to swirl in unison or side by side with him. I have allowed myself to experience like and experiences that resemble a makeup of some of the love qualities and experiences that have hid my true intimacy value with them. I have had infidelities that have closed me off further from my significant other and propelled me to only think about needs and myself and not solidifying anything future some with them, but today as my mind has settled and the dust of emotions have lifted my eyes remain focused on what could be.

So what am I saying?

You have had to reach and touch all of loves echelons to recall a state of quality and remembrance that will guide you to where you are presently and allow you to walk easily in the unpaved distance of what is to become.

Having resolved that there will be no experience like any other, and although nostalgias and distant memories play vivid parts and are life reminders of what stood out the most to us within that time, nothing will factor into this world as the present moment.

Saying…

What applies to you and is of substance and value to you will be the telling feature life has afforded you to venture out into your own personal triumphs and depths and questions moments within your lover(s) embrace(s)…

To Love: No saturations and settlements to be received or given!

Love is being faced head on within my daily existence and it’s not limited to a lover. Love is waking in the morning and breathing in the breath of fresh air, or extending myself in a yoga pose so deeply I smile with concentration and mastery. Love is sleeping and being nestled deeply within my blankets and knowing that everything is going to be ok. Love knows that there is no pressing moment than this ticking time before me.

As an adult, love has blinded me several times and has passed me by several more times. Lust and desire can play a tricky part within our lives, but getting down to the facts of loving and caring for someone requires a commitment on our part to face each emotion head on and differently with our lover.

When a man loves a woman he loves everything about her, even the little things that gnaw on his nerves from time to time, he still loves her. He remains consistent when communicating with her, and by all means I mean all forms of communication.

Of course in this day and age with high social media demands and the infamous mix up of sexting text surrounding contacting your true love, there will always be a constant connection. The love that is openly given conquers any questioning soul. His embrace will warm you and his curling into your side listlessly sliding his hands up and down your body, bringing rest and relaxation and a deep sated comfort to your soul. That connective force wont be questioned by anything or anyone. Pure bliss!

When a woman loves a man she digs deeply within and showers him with a glowing love that causes him to shield his eyes from her glowing love as she glides towards him. The more she loves him the closer he gets to her hearts center and world. She shares everything with him and even compliments his happiness and down falls. She is with him through out it all, knowing that within patience and consistency their love dually remains. She truly sees him and within her eyes he is all she needs.

When there is a feeling of genuine respect and mutual awareness such an emotion cannot even be staged or developed to become something it was never meant to be. Love is to be experienced and expressed and hold each and every heart to attention. Love matters more when it’s easily given and received. There is no amount of love in this world that would equal the sensation and experience of a bonding true love.

So why do we settle for a saturated love? …

Message in a Bottle: The moment the cork comes out!

Here I am

Having made the most important decision in my world…the moment I decided to give a situation my undivided attention and my best intention on being present and giving of my time.

With each moment I questioned my experience with him due to my many self-evaluations of everything happening with and within me, that I detached myself further from the moment and cast my own shadow deep within fear. I found doubt and troubles within self where there was none. I questioned my own existence and thought plans, but when I reacted to others I was someone not to be contested with.

So here I am with a want that is garnering on a distinct need to know exactly where that pebble resides at now. The same pebble that everyone throws into a lake when breaking a thought, making a wish or simply passing time. I am throwing my pebble into the water and in hopes that the rippled waves will whisper that hidden gem of unanswerable questions.

So I make the choice of giving my all and in knowing that I am giving my all I must in fact know that I might not receive someone’s reciprocated love and affections; or perhaps even be acknowledged for openly giving without any expectations, but is this to cast aside my feelings and possibly leap so far ahead that my visual field is forever blocked?

Hmmm

With giving my love, my intention is to show him where I stand, and with my stance I am noting that I am not moving my positive nature and well-received wishes and actions for just someone, but it is to be gifted to everyone. I remain graced and blessed in knowing that a gift of love and kindness and the sharing of this deeply human emotion is the envy of all worlds.

So in possession of this love, I am deeming my experience deeper with him. I am diving forward and not allowing a splash of mixed emotions and anxiety-ridden feelings to get the best of me. I am allowing my soul to speak a language of love that was long forgotten, a language so intimately inclined and distinct that our moments together will never resemble the same.

I am up for the emotional and mental challenge.

In my growing love for him, it benefits me with loving each and everyone else especially loving myself more. I have garnered this deeply ingrained spirit of virtuous purity that the beauty of this unchained emotion was gathered ever so deeply, and within it’s depth I held him close and erased everything that crossed him, and denied me and declined us both.

Love The Higher Love.

Some Day You Will Ache Like I Ache...#DollParts

I can do this…

I want to do this…

I will do this…

The ache inside of my soul to fulfill the necessary longing of a woman who longs for the man whom she has fallen in love with unabashedly, and admittedly so she has loved this man from the very first day she laid eyes upon him, there was this instant connection that never ceased to stop. She has marveled at how he has soothed her soul and silences her chaotic emotional waves and questioning theories about love and the existence of true faith when one truly finds their souls mate, but deep down inside she fears she will never be enough for him, she finds herself looking towards the attention of half hearted affectionate love starved interests who only balance her temporarily and silence the moans from a grieving heart.

I want that moment back when you beckoned to see me, but yet after all the hair styling, waxing and tweezing and mental and physical preparation of your arrival I still feared seeing you, so I flaked and canceled and now I am left wondering what could have been…why is that? This is my current brain conundrum…this is the ache in my belly and hole that’s fluttering dangerously within my heart. I am drowning on thoughts and literally washed away in a memories time. I feel deeply and care enormously for you, but yet I fear you.

 If I have you…what could I possibly do with you?

Having you is enough? Shall I continue to want you after I have had you?

Having and had you consists of what to me?

I love deeply and passionately and half-heartedly and surface all at once, but yet with you I feel as if I can lose everything and within losing everything I will lose myself, the image of self that I have built and worked on for so many years. What will become of me?