The "It" Factor

 

Normally when I am experiencing tumultuous emotions based from multiple life happenings, I would generally throw my hands in the air and belt out “The world is coming to an end and I am over it all.”! However, taking a step to reflectively look at each moment I can see the connective cord that kept me hanging on just a little longer.

 

Kissmet forgotten: Past/Present

My sleeping pattern has started to gather full steam. My constant checking of text messages or calls from you has just about stopped. I am able to tone you out. My day doesn’t start with wonderment of how you are doing, where you are at for the day or your plans and if I am included in them. My sheets no longer hold your distinct cologne scent, nor do my pillows remind me of your missing presence from me. My daydreams and night fantasies no longer star you, at the moment you are guest appearing in my mind and randomly so… I have finally acknowledged that my need for you no longer holds me. I recall a time when sleeping without you bought about endless nights of tossing and turning, my overactive imagination no longer compels me to reach out to you by any means necessary.

My fantasies no longer involve visions of me and you on a remote tropical island discussing our future and planning for our family and life to look forward to. At one time you meant everything to me, but at this moment in time your existence within my world has no value for me, and so I am allowing your image within my mind’s eye and heart to fade away. Who would have thought that from a whispered word of love within my right ear that everything we attempted to create together would no longer matter…The beauty of life and it’s ever changing happenings.

I don’t regret this relationship and its growth into existence; in fact it helped me sort out my feelings in regards to wanting to maintain a surface relationship or dig deep within a relationship and with my potential partner, and so I thank you for your smile, your undeniable addictive scent that has bought a smile to my face and tears to my eyes. It’s within your absence that I no longer miss you.

Monogamy over Monotony You choose!

It took having a pretty hectic work day and sensing I needed a time out stress reduction break with the benefits of easing my mind and tension from the start of the day by simply focusing on my breathing and truly centering myself, before I began to sort out just exactly how my day was going to transition into later on in the afternoon. My mind can easily become cloudy and my thoughts can lose attention truly when my mind begins to take a detour and wonder about the ways of others and their involvement with and within my life. At the end of the day I have choices and not just one choice, but several decisions that I can make all based on what I am feeling, where I am headed and what I would like to experience within my life, and at this point of realizing this I simply let the moment go and found my focus once again.

I don’t dislike dating, I truly enjoy meeting someone of interest and depth and going through the formal get to know you stages, but at this very moment I realized that I am ok not dating or being entirely exclusive to anyone. I am open to entertaining interests and I might actually fall in genuine like with a possibility of a blooming love, but what stirs me and has captivated my attention has been my own personal journey with learning what pull’s me and gets me going. This getting to know me moments can’t be summarized into my set experience, because there has been so many to speak about, but all in all I have grown to come accustomed to falling in love with me.

I have grown to enjoy my company without fear of wondering about learning to enjoy self-company or company with friends and family only lose interest due to wondering if I could be doing a shared activity with my lover better. I have adjusted to having dinner with a male of interest, but without jumping the shared dinner enjoyment stage and planning our marriage to be, or wondering about how my last name change would sound. I can easily enjoy shared laughter, mutual flirting and a wave goodnight and a parting of ways without wondering does he have to come by me, or I go by him and should we take this route, or better yet if I take this route there is no obligations to the moment, and does not at any point in time signify a relationship.

I am learning the art of taking everything in from sight, sound and taste to even enjoying the listening pleasures of deep to shallow conversations. I am not exclusive to any form of relating I am inclusive and it feels so freeing to simply be without doubt, fear or the need to gain and get simple life pleasures from accumulated expectations.  

I can tie these feelings and wants into the live for the moment theme and enjoy impermanence and the present state of mind and being without past woes and future predictions, and so with that being said contentment within my own company has come with no fear nor reckless abandonment, but with a sense that everything will work wonderfully well as long as I continue to experience life as if it was meant to be experienced and that’s an everyday in the moment process we are gifted daily with.

So as I channel this energy and yet affirm a new reality within my dating and relating schisms I am pleasantly surprised to have had, held and written about this moment.

AGAPE and EROs: The 2016 Journey start when in L.O.V.E

The adventure begins within myself...as I begin to narrow down the details of what it takes to exactly appease me more and more my world and mind has become centered towards the workings and wonders of AGAPE...the unconditioned spiritual love that knows no abounds. Clearly in a world where the focus is either over synthesized, over sexualized and over emotionalized there is nothing that we can entirely do to escape the emotional pitfalls and waterfalls of a loving life.

I currently stand in between Eros and AGAPE... 

Within Eros I am attracted to everyone, and within my attraction there holds no deep appeal or plea to reason as to why my attraction level reached so high with these particular individuals or the identified ONE for the moment. Eros simply eludes me to these want to know more facts, but yet Eros completely surrounds me with a sense of symbolism. Within instant attraction and honoring the love within the loves there gratification simply exists within the moments and simply letting them go no longer is a harden experience, but then here comes the AGAPE love...a love that has no conditions and has touched the realms of spiritual reasoning and reckoning. A love whereas it's almost your intuition kicking you in the knee telling you that you need to pay attention to this moment in space and time, and that acknowledging it will honor something already within your personal legend and life journey. So there is this unwritten inner battle between being at peace with love and learning the depths and types of love and then there is this wild motivating factor of instant attraction and broken promises and untamed hearts eager to spill together if just for that one time and night...

So do I dare explore the dimensions of my vivid imagination to see who reigns free EROS or AGAPE...

I begin my 2016 with a love for someone whose life has drawn him to where he needs to be. At times, I am wondering if our lives simply crashed towards one another to find our way loosely and then take the stretch of life and experience mutually, but then again there are times when I find that our love simply matches the moments within our hearts and expels our inner EROS...I however, have mastered my emotions to the point where I am simply not living to exist, and existing because I truly am living. I am not faltering into the eyes of others to live my life exclusively from the brink of an emotion; in which I have come to understand that love is not exclusive to a relationship, or a persona or a distinct life happening...that we find love in each and every aspect we live and if we truly dare ourselves to venture forward and push just a little more we will soon know who has occupied a nation and won the lover's war...

It's within the delivery the full circle of a message is understood: The Gift of Love

The remedy of sending love and light is the medicinal cure for becoming emotional aware and acceptant of the ability to claim peace and love within your inner circle. It has the ability to extend outwards and in it's expansion it has healed many broken hearts, gray areas of the heart and simply allowed whatever was not being spoken to be realized and released. 

By expressing love more openly, and cultivating friendships, business relationships, work relationships and your love relationships in a way thats receptive of giving and receiving positive interactions all detailing the different ways love benefits and centers all beginning and endings of any relationship. 

I realized love is not to be strangled. It's not to be mixed up with an assortment of many emotions filtering throughout your experience. Communication is to be valued and built on and remains key. Positive reinforcement and validity in ones thoughts helps filter an experience to the best of one's knowledge. The acceptance of life being viewed in high points or a low life point is an experience, but it's a temporary moment that will soon bypass our mind. 

The moment that is guaranteed and valued within this life experience is the present moment, and within the present moment I am  choosing not to cloud up my visual, but to continue to enhance my experiences everyday and sail right on along with the wind! 

My main hope for my current life swing within my ever developing and blooming love, remains with opening my world and exploring the depths of my love, alongside with learning how to ask for love, receive love and understand that love is everywhere and no longer an experience at whole but individualized, but know that each moment in love is a moment well lived.

So I let go doubts, frustrations and negative thoughts that have mentally paralyzed me from bypassing the heart to heart moments that I assumed would cripple me...I am strong in defeat and even stronger in triumph, but regardless of any which of the way I fear nothing will get in the way of a contented heart. 

So I am claiming each experience to be a life lesson and blessing in love. 

Thank You-

What more can I say and do, to rid myself of these emotions? I turn to others for love and affection, but as intense and defining these feelings are once the moment passes I am left to fend for myself mentally and emotionally...it's a tough world to navigate when you are feeling love lost, but yet the beauty of these moments remain intense. I  felt when you finally release whatever it is you have been holding on to you are truly gifting yourself with the gift of unconditional love. 

Currently I am looking to redeem myself in the eyes of my current love mystery. I am seeking to learn from this happening and experience the world as we know it. I have fallen in love with "Kissmet" so deeply and so truly that emotionally I have come unravelled  and at times I don't even recognize myself. I try to play back in my mind the moment when I realized I was so in love with him that I couldn't ever turn the hands of time back onto our relationship.

I remembered when I initially met him, I heard in my right ear  a whisper from the went to my right ear... "I met my husband" and because of this I went full force with making all attempts to claim him for me, but yet nothing ever went right for me in regards to pursuing him. Everything went left, but yet I remained optimistic and hopeful that something would build and eventually happen, but each attempt at creating something out of nothing was met with slow stops. 

The rules of engagement have left me, I am literally winging it, but this time it's meant to be recieved. Through all the bumps and life hiccups our shared love has been mutually recieved. 

That connective tie that the universal forces created is not only in wonderment but beauty in the eye of the beholden...

Thank you Universe for my lessons and life laws. 

Love the higher love 

A Lovers Manifesto: Pieces of a heart left unspoken

When everyone looks as if to be the one, no one else looks to fit the mold. When life continues to pelt you with hard rain, you kindly walk forward and embrace the madness. When songs turn into emotional salves, you can't think of any emotions outside of your pain bubble.

You implode 

Even within reason I must never escape the sure facts and test of time. I am learning there is much more to believe and dream of than ever before. 

I am awaiting to be swept off of my feet, to find a lover like never before who not only embraces me but engulfs me to the point of no return. I need to be swallowed by love whole, to be intocicated to the point of bliss. To neither shed a tear or fear my own demise, out of learned lessons and shattered hearts and moments of simple melt downs. I am to escape all the previous heat by wavering no wars, but simply acknowledging the pasts existence and keeping it as it were...in the past. 

To feel that there simply is something more with someone who neither deems your importance or acknowledges your entries and exits in life is truly a disease of the heart. Antibiotics, religious clarity and physical bluffs of the truth is telling of the emotional retainment... 

 Shaking this feeling is presenting itself as an utter annoyance and continued occurrence. 

I'm having that 2am cry that leads to the 3am melt down to then peak at 5am to realize I must want more for myself and from myself. 

This can't be all 

There is hope in death and damaged dreams. 

The Ending has arrived...and So!

You could have...

Perhaps a well detailed message of your inability to be honest with me in the nearest future would have sufficed. Perhaps my truth in how and why I want you so much has constantly consumed me to the moment of confusion. 

Maybe if I allowed myself to explode all my emotional vengeance onto you, then perhaps I could explain why your disappointments as of recently are no longer justifiable. 

When I recieve any form of communication from you, it strikes a pretty serious chord within me. When I fear a response from you, I dread reading your reply, but yet I know it will be freeing of me to partake in some explanation of why you disappointment me so...

I slept soundly in disappointment, knowing that you could neither be close to me or too distant to me in any realm because we will never exist. "I've got an Elastic Heart!"

The reality of this nothing has pushed me to understand that I must allow a memory to simply fade away, but yet I make small attempts to reclaim your interest, your attention to be idolized as if I am your God or for that matter your world...but yet I am not a cloud in your horizon. I am not a droplet of rain on a leaf, I am neither a rising sun to start your day or a setting sun to capture your evening. 

My importance to you is of none.