Making The Best of It: The Point of it all

Within transitional phases you deal with an assortment of different relationships, and within each relationship you begin to realize the different mannerisms that you accustom yourself to. Nothing will ever be the same once a change has taken place, and it’s about learning how to deal with the noticeable change and prepare yourself to go further in life. It’s within the discomfort that you find strength, and within your strength you find solace and within the quiet time your mind is destined to expand just a little more, and so I have reached another pivotal point within my journey. I disregarded what I could have done to respond with what I was feeling should have been done and if I am at fault for responding intuitively I will take oneness for it, but I will not say I would take it back. This is just another phase in my life where I am forced to choose between comforts or discomfort and I trust my instincts and my life objectives and reasoning’s as to why…

I would go on past behaviors and thoughts associated with these previous experiences to presently come to a point where I would be able to make a faux assumption of an experience. This learned behavior has become my synopsis of sorts. I have gathered enough information based on experience to know that well life is whatever you make it, and there is so much more life to live and experience.

Each day I come home after a busy day of work and I try not to forget the way the world is swaying, and although I swayed with the world many of times, I can’t help but wonder about this last sway with the world my body has decided to think against. I no longer want to ease within the waves of life, I want to create a ripple of defined passion that propels me forward as never before. I want to create a burst of energy within my heart and world that has never before been experienced by me before.

So as my body eases into warrior 1 and then transitions into warrior 2 to then focus on centering my mind and heart on lowering my body onto my mat I then cleanse my soul and heart of angered moments and conflicting times within. I have decided that times may be rough but they are times I am creating on a daily basis and living with a new found inner ease within the universal pull un-compromised

I trust in the best-kept secret of the unknown and my faith lies in the ability to believe.

I am moved.

                                                                   I am unmoved.

I can tell by the look in your face. All Summer16

I want to blame the male gender for the misrepresentation of a world of romance, however, in honesty I can't...the world of romance has truly been tainted with self interest based fantasies and a swallowing of tall ordered bourbon dreams. 

When I awake from the stupor I find myself silently disliking my egocentric way of assuming the perfect mate for the moment and then placing him in a trance like state with assumed comfortability to then get my fill and slowly unlock my legs from around his waist, and loosen my rhythmic grip onto his soul a little lesser each second until I am finally free from the false love and idolized moment of no longer mention of interest to me. 

My soul is appeased or so I think

This pattern has become the running joke of an endless lovers trek of a newly arrived year and developing seasons. This pattern has cast many shadows on the authentically passionate moments that are far and few, but when they are experienced they become randomly noticeable and picturesque at most. 

When one lover slights you, you find yourself thrown into the arms of the next best interest and from there you take your fill on behalf of your drunken soul whose wallowing in the pits of lost love, craved for attention and a sex drive starved of "the one's" endless caresses. 

It's a twisted game of survival and every lorn loved lover has to do it

So as I dance this devilish dance I take in everything that is before me...

The world within and the world without

 

Today I attempted to rationalize a hurt that could potentially devastate me if I attempted to make more sense of it. The more I started to open up about the pain that was a dull numb to me a few days before to now have transitioned into a noticeable ache…I began putting two and two together and started to face my impending problem in a way that would lead to more resolution and less emotionally charged moments where I would be left to my own devices of getting past the difficult moments to making collective sense about an issue.

It appeared yet again my emotions were at a high, and being at such a heightened state I was experiencing a lot of moments where I was reeling on the brink of self-discovery or hurling myself into an emotional world wind. I wanted answers to questions I had dared not to ask him, and him being in question has bought all of these moments of confusion and difficulty to my immediate attention.  I also was looking for self-acceptance in others who at the time appeared to be excellent distractions that enabled me to slowly lose myself in the myth of forgetting your focal problem, but entering another problem with no immediate need for an answer. The ability to waist time in such a way would grant me serenity for the longevity of the mood that was in the midst of forming and soon to be passing, but this secondary problem turned into a reflection of what would never become, and yet again I was left reeling with two emotional setbacks that kept me drifting away.

The unease and sense of wanting to capture all the pain and turn it into joyful moments came over me as a new entrance into my life occurred. His gentleness and masculinity has always held my attention, his ability to bring comfort and relaxation into the moments we had experienced together was more than enough to get me through the night, but yet I had this nagging feeling that he would enter my life again as he had done so before and whisk me off my feet, and tell me everything I have wanted to hear about his ability to guide my harden heart back into the living world. How he was entirely different from before, and that although he has disappointed me he would never stray away from me again. I wanted to receive all the reassurances that he never stuck to when we initially met. I wanted to feel the confidence of a jilted lover being redeemed from the lover whom initially discarded their emotions. I wanted to freely breathe in everything he was telling me and never have a doubt in regards to him, and his life meaning and intentions with me, but yet nothing is ever guaranteed and the feelings of inadequacies and never being entirely enough started to rear its ugly head back into my visual plain and so I am left to deal with my emotional missteps and behaviors that soon followed.

It’s not easy to sit with my feelings, especially when they are at an all-time high. Or when I feel as if I am expecting a reaction or response from the other in question, but yet they don’t do anything to appease my emotions or allow a sense of calm and peace to come to mind. I then am left to look within myself, and within looking within myself I am discovering the affects that I have allowed myself to feel in the name and loss of affections within their eyes. Being aware of this outcome not only makes my emotional state arrive at its highest, but it also places me in a unique position as to where I am left to counter these emotions and stabilize myself once again.

It’s within my Yogic asana that I have found balance and symmetry to my unbalanced emotional state, and although I would love to regard my three lovers with ease and review their sharpened darts to my heart with enthusiasm I am left to simply send love and light and let peace be still and render my heart from it’s painful clutches. If I am ever to learn about this thing called life and the romantic and at times deceptive experiences that have torn down many emotional walls I will have to learn how to rebuild and keep my emotions and heart afloat and learn how to release tension and worries and stress that’s been building and wanting to topple at the days end.

Today I sought and I found, but as I answered I started to simmer and within sitting with my feelings and emotions I freely vented but within each yoga pose and move I swayed, and so here I am building the karmic bridges of love to renew the faith that was loss within me.

 

Sour Times: Reflection in the midst of that inception.

Have you ever been happy for someone while secretly wishing his or her demise? I recently had the pleasure of seeing someone capture their love and love interest publically, without even a reply or response towards me telling me that this in fact was their journey they were embarking on and although it would severe our flirt-ship, our feelings of mutual interest would simmer and a budding but distant friendship would begin. I didn’t get this memo; in fact I didn’t even get a chance to allow my eyes to swallow the image that was before me. Feelings of rejection and a distinct taste of a lover’s jealousy started to creep in my mind, and so I deleted your number and any trace evidence of a connection between us. Endless conversations, meditative support services and attempts at coffee and chit chat have forever been dissolved. I guess your inaction and non-responses spoke volumes to me, and I guess also I received your answer in so many ways.

Can I be mad about your update…should I even care about your update, it wasn’t directed towards me and actually it was a beautiful life moment you shared, but yet it called out to me and literally had my emotions hitting all types of wanting to be an emotional wreck chart. I can look at the brighter side, your limited conversation and then non-responses was a way of letting go. Sometimes we don’t want to face someone we shared moments and mutual interest and passion with. I should know, I am facing the same moment where I am letting someone go with ease to make room for a newly discovered interest…the pot calling the kettle out? The shoe on the other foot or karmatic ties all directed at me? I guess this time I am going to exclude myself and say the world does not revolve around me and my emotional highlights and moments. I guess I am going to delete his contact information and like his post and going forward will let life continue to play itself out.

On a brighter note I didn’t dissolve in a heap of emotional instability, I went to sleep and awoke refreshed and determined not to allow something that was never known to me or in my control to leave me powerless. My choice in this was to recognize where I stood and where I was headed with him, and well simply let it go. I never stood a chance, and then again I don’t think I wanted to remain suspended in that potential heartache.

Should I allow myself to dip my heart or dunk it: Sea of Love

He is swimming in his newly expressed emotions. 

I should make an exception to all your missed attempts, endless stories and loveless lines. I should revisit this situation again?

But yet as I stood seated across from you and allowed my ears to open up to your love stoned words I'm assuming was supposed to excite me and allow me the closure needed to give you the answer you so desperately wanted to hear. An instant response in favor of acceptance of you presently and to forget everything you showed me prior to now…

Listening to everything you put before me and turning over that new stone I guess I allowed myself to accept you for the moment that we presently was in and sail away, sail away…but yet you  received the green light from me and have gone back into the shallow depths of inconsistency.

I tell you these emotional moments can crumble some, cripple most and literally bring to mind the "Fuck this I’m dating my damn self-moments", but yet I remain optimistic to an undeniable experience, a moment in time where I don’t have to question someone's move. A moment where you speak your truth into fruition and you are inclusive of your partner in the involvement of your daily interactions. I just want to feel included within your life. As light as that sentence appears to be it holds a lot of weight in the realm of the dating and relationships I have experienced.

So if this is a blast from the past, should I pay you any mind or any attention or should I dive right into the idea of experiencing a relationship in unison and mutually exploring a shared life together?

Daring to dream or dishonoring a dream?

At this moment I can’t determine, and I am not entirely sure if I want this go any further then where it’s at.

The "It" Factor

 

Normally when I am experiencing tumultuous emotions based from multiple life happenings, I would generally throw my hands in the air and belt out “The world is coming to an end and I am over it all.”! However, taking a step to reflectively look at each moment I can see the connective cord that kept me hanging on just a little longer.

 

Kissmet forgotten: Past/Present

My sleeping pattern has started to gather full steam. My constant checking of text messages or calls from you has just about stopped. I am able to tone you out. My day doesn’t start with wonderment of how you are doing, where you are at for the day or your plans and if I am included in them. My sheets no longer hold your distinct cologne scent, nor do my pillows remind me of your missing presence from me. My daydreams and night fantasies no longer star you, at the moment you are guest appearing in my mind and randomly so… I have finally acknowledged that my need for you no longer holds me. I recall a time when sleeping without you bought about endless nights of tossing and turning, my overactive imagination no longer compels me to reach out to you by any means necessary.

My fantasies no longer involve visions of me and you on a remote tropical island discussing our future and planning for our family and life to look forward to. At one time you meant everything to me, but at this moment in time your existence within my world has no value for me, and so I am allowing your image within my mind’s eye and heart to fade away. Who would have thought that from a whispered word of love within my right ear that everything we attempted to create together would no longer matter…The beauty of life and it’s ever changing happenings.

I don’t regret this relationship and its growth into existence; in fact it helped me sort out my feelings in regards to wanting to maintain a surface relationship or dig deep within a relationship and with my potential partner, and so I thank you for your smile, your undeniable addictive scent that has bought a smile to my face and tears to my eyes. It’s within your absence that I no longer miss you.

Monogamy over Monotony You choose!

It took having a pretty hectic work day and sensing I needed a time out stress reduction break with the benefits of easing my mind and tension from the start of the day by simply focusing on my breathing and truly centering myself, before I began to sort out just exactly how my day was going to transition into later on in the afternoon. My mind can easily become cloudy and my thoughts can lose attention truly when my mind begins to take a detour and wonder about the ways of others and their involvement with and within my life. At the end of the day I have choices and not just one choice, but several decisions that I can make all based on what I am feeling, where I am headed and what I would like to experience within my life, and at this point of realizing this I simply let the moment go and found my focus once again.

I don’t dislike dating, I truly enjoy meeting someone of interest and depth and going through the formal get to know you stages, but at this very moment I realized that I am ok not dating or being entirely exclusive to anyone. I am open to entertaining interests and I might actually fall in genuine like with a possibility of a blooming love, but what stirs me and has captivated my attention has been my own personal journey with learning what pull’s me and gets me going. This getting to know me moments can’t be summarized into my set experience, because there has been so many to speak about, but all in all I have grown to come accustomed to falling in love with me.

I have grown to enjoy my company without fear of wondering about learning to enjoy self-company or company with friends and family only lose interest due to wondering if I could be doing a shared activity with my lover better. I have adjusted to having dinner with a male of interest, but without jumping the shared dinner enjoyment stage and planning our marriage to be, or wondering about how my last name change would sound. I can easily enjoy shared laughter, mutual flirting and a wave goodnight and a parting of ways without wondering does he have to come by me, or I go by him and should we take this route, or better yet if I take this route there is no obligations to the moment, and does not at any point in time signify a relationship.

I am learning the art of taking everything in from sight, sound and taste to even enjoying the listening pleasures of deep to shallow conversations. I am not exclusive to any form of relating I am inclusive and it feels so freeing to simply be without doubt, fear or the need to gain and get simple life pleasures from accumulated expectations.  

I can tie these feelings and wants into the live for the moment theme and enjoy impermanence and the present state of mind and being without past woes and future predictions, and so with that being said contentment within my own company has come with no fear nor reckless abandonment, but with a sense that everything will work wonderfully well as long as I continue to experience life as if it was meant to be experienced and that’s an everyday in the moment process we are gifted daily with.

So as I channel this energy and yet affirm a new reality within my dating and relating schisms I am pleasantly surprised to have had, held and written about this moment.