Let me in..............................

Let me quench my thirst……………………


I was on your mind. I was on your mind. I would like to run that through my mind on and on again. I would LOVE to spell that out, write it all over the hallway and bathroom walls, go on the public record and state “Baby, I was on your mind”. Like water to a thirsty man…..Baby I was on your mind. Damn that felt good to hear and expel. The moment presented itself and it went very well. I am fortunate to have experienced that moment with you, for I knew you could have easily dismissed and forgotten me. You was too caught up with not feeling and caring to want to admit and express it. Why wait until now to relay this information to me? What I wanted once which was fast, I want to drink it slow. I want to allow the water to seep through my mouth to the back of my tongue, all the way down my throat and dribble all through out my body. I want to experience the sensation of knowing what I am getting, and each drink and swallow I experience and taste all of you. I don’t want to ever let loose and let go. I want to continue to intoxicate myself on your sweet juices. I am physically, mentally and sexually spent just drinking from you, imagine just exactly a full body, intimate, mind blowing experience would do….to me, to you, for me, for you. “Baby, I was on your mind”


Choices…………….

So life has a funny way of presenting itself; so I am thinking (as always) that perhaps my new phase in life is meant to enable me to be able to handle life occurring at different paces, and getting to know and understand all and everyone who is meant to experience life with me. However, I am getting a kick out of life, for you see life has not been overly kind to me. Life has allowed me to see the negatives, rather than feast from the positives; however, I have risen from all of life’s strife’s and misfortunes. I am blessed to have the ability to intuit life from many angles and perspectives. So this opportunity that is before me presents itself like this: I have the opportunity to watch and allow my feelings to brew and grow. Feelings that are normally inferno level of desire. Feelings that are and will always present themselves forward, because I am an emotional being. I live from my feelings. They awake and arouse me, they entrance and enthrall me, they allow me to see who you are and will be to me. They gather me up and fight for me, however, at times these feelings engulf and control and get the best of me, but I fight…..and transition on. So this choice and opportunity that has presented itself is getting to know you. Develop a me and you and not depend only on what I initially feel, for what I feel is to be true, then me and you will succeed as two. So I am using logic and then my heart. So with you I will keep the balance. I will keep the faith and hope that we can develop into a me and you. I am thoughtful and mindful that we will come together. I feel you. I dreamed of you, while lying next to you. You said to me “I love you”, and then I knew.

Taking a step and a stride……….

Walking the walk and the easy talk all in all has never and will never be for me, but making sense of the nights and days and the times and places and people in my life, we I am grateful and thankful to be afforded the many experiences and opportunities. Coming to you with a free and clear heart, mind and soul. If you ask me I’m ready.


Lesson Fourteen: Invite ME IN!
Life is meant to walk through your front doors!!! Let HER in! Although life presents itself in many factors, never give up hope that one day, just that one day life will align with all, and with all you will feel and be completed. I love life.

A challenge of sorts......

Putting it and YOU into action......

So the emotional up's and down's of the past two weeks have allowed me to take a lot of reflective moments in time and thought to capture the essence of my moment. I have concluded that it is okay to feel, and experience a situation or moment and release it. I am not to continually dwell and mope and become upset about something I can not control, channel or for that matter amend to how I would want it to be and turn out. I am for that matter a puppet to my own desires. So with that being said I am going to embrace time, patience and the feeling(s) of being in the moment. There is nothing better than well placed and experienced moments. I get a tingle of happiness and a rise of growth from rereading that paragraph. I am letting go everything that I assumed held me back in regards to my dating and relating romantic experiences. I am allowing people, and opportunities to present themselves for good, for bad and for all. SO if you want to say I threw in that white towel, or ran in front of that psychotic bull with a red flag......well you can say that!!


Starting over?.......

A fresh start? A start unlike any other? I am more aware and also current with just where I want and need to be. Although I can not forecast the future, or even predict the present, all I can do is hold on to the moral grounds and position in my life that I have held steadfast to. I know I can accomplish and achieve just about anything and everything, so why should I allow romance to be the FLU of my world! I also decided the take charge attitude just is not as easy and appealing as I once assumed. This attitude becomes upsetting and nerve wrecking when things don't go your way, and you are left to fend for your emotional self and own good. The approach that is winning the highest honors with me is coming across laid back, and just being and allowing life to present itself and open them doors wide open. This approach is so different and new to me, that each day I continually learn and gravitate towards the positive and good things from each calming experience, and for that I continually say how fortunate and grateful I am. So starting over, changing directions, finding my right now and not chasing forever all sums up my twenty nine years of romantic woes, up's and down's and down right crazy train experiences. I am allowing life to win, and take me by surprise.

Lesson Thirteen: Clearing the AIR!
Allowing yourself to say I have been there, done that, co signed and circled on the dotted line, and still no appealing life results allows one to say life I am ready. Having traveled many different courses throughout my life, and I am sure I have many more to achieve and travel through; this particular life course I am willing, openly and honestly accepting. PATIENCE

With ease do I allow you to invade my senses......

So off to a new beginning?


Through the emotional overhaul and the up's and down's regarding the dating and relating factor, I am finally in a position to accept things for whatever they are and may be. I am finally in a position to open the flood gates, but not to tidal waters, but to a stream and flow of steady water. I was in a position when I damn near rebuked thee, but how could thee be the one of immediate and lasting interest to me. There is nothing that you can and can't do that will not interest me, although you pretty much allowed things to happen how you pictured. How is that I feel so extraordinary, but then at the same time I feel so leveled. I may want to say it has a lot to do with you, however, the complexity of not having one's way, and seeing that all relationships are not similar, but entirely different remains to be beneficial, as well as a positive experience for me. I can not compare you to my past relationships, nor can I snatch you up and just pretend that all will be well. You are right; I don't know you too well. Why am I giving you my all and heart in one way and peace, why am I celebrating myself openly and honestly with you? Why am I keen to want to go far, but yet never slow down to exist. Why? I do this because I care. I do this because I want to get to know you. I am throwing and rolling out that red carpet, because baby I am yours. Although you want to go slow with me, and walk with me, I am still jogging ahead of you, just trust me and follow me. Would you let me let you listen and love me. Would you?


Patience........

So allowing me to grow and figure out the ways of the world and my time in this world is coming into handy. Perhaps it’s the added year of wisdom and blossoming I have gathered. Or perhaps it’s the love and affection from my family and friends that is allowing me to gather my inner strength and present myself in such a way that I can not be stopped or touched. I am only touched by those whom I allow to suckle me, not suck me. Suckle me as a sweet piece of berry you never touched before. Suckle me as if I am the honey that is begging you to try some more. Man, do I remember a time in my life when patience was my enemy, oh how I cursed her so. Well Patience I accepted your hand and welcomed you into my life. I have afforded you a ride into my nocturnal night. I have given up and drained myself of the pain, but picked myself up, screaming your name. Patience, you are my world and life, because without you I couldn’t survive another heart broken night. I am afforded your guidance and blessings, and you knew I would come around anyway. Thanks for waiting!

Taking a chance and a step......

You make me laugh and smile, and you make me nervous all at once. You make me think of the happy moments in my life. You give me strength not to mope or gloom doom around the house, but strength to move forward and on. I think and question and doubt naturally, but I transition those emotions and feelings immediately. I am happy that you entered into my life. I am excited and eager to get to know you. There is chemistry and an undeniable connection. I am excited and eager to see it comes to fruition.



Lesson Eleven.....Waiting isn't so bad
Although I would wish time past and make the clock speed up, I am asking for time to stand still for me. I am asking for my mind, body and soul to connect in unison for me. I am asking myself to remain patient and wait on progress. I am learning to smile, laugh, and giggle. I am taking my time to enjoy the simplicities of life. I am taking my time. I am taking my time.

Taking the Super Hero role or Villian????

So it seems you have stumbled upon me yet again.......DECISIONS

It's as if it was all a dream. I really didn't think too much about you or the consequences of my actions. I really didn't think how you would feel before or after. I really did not think that you would come to matter, care or for that matter be a topic of desire and interest for me. I truly took your time and moment for myself and my pleasures only. If for being nice, and presenting good conversations, and outright acceptability of you....well I was just being ME. I was just assuming that you would go with the ebb and flow of the day and nights. I was assuming that "I had this", and that there was no reason why I couldn't control the matter, you, feelings and the emotional tides.......Am I sorry? Not really. I do apologize for the unexpected outcome and assumed behaviors. I do feel a way about how everything happened, and also, for my need to clear all by shutting you down and out. This is for the best and the better, for I was only a moment in your time. Nothing to want, desire or need further. For I was your spoil.....throw me away before I rot you.


Perhaps being on top of the ROMANTIC world isn't so bad at all......

When does one loose reality and grip with a never ending situation or cause? When would one finally face the fact that, HEY this is life and it's a part of the growth process? When will one (I, ME, SHE OR HE) realize that games are trivial and are meant to be played at a caution and arms length away from the heart, for I have been the game inventor, and key player and I am already throwing in the towel. So I roll the dice.....I hit an odd number continually. Is that a good sign or is that a bad sign of life???
Going from being the text and call queen, to entertaining wanted guests at night, to the lonely, heart stricken, painful moments in my time. What a stretch one would say! From slights imagined, to actual beaten down betrayal; this game is no longer in tune and touch with me. I must quickly put it away.


So I ask myself.......

I was attempting to go this way, but I turned that way seemingly attempting to be neutral, but not overly extra. I ended up with more problems to care for. I pay you, and me and her no mind, because at the end of the day it no longer exists or troubles me. Going the straight and narrow does not exist; it consists of winding, strange and stronghold roads. Discipline myself one would say, buckle down another would say, but all in all, I change for not.


Lesson Ten: If you seek it, you shall get it.....
Always know that what you put forth will push you right backward. What you hold and hide in secret, will gesture and beckon to come out. What you render as useless will become priceless and up for many to grab. To not respect and take heed, will only lead to your departured time. CHOICES!

Tell me more.......

Simplicity at it's best???

So cutting the ties that have bonded me has never before been so difficult. Someone you are crushing on, and thinking and dreaming of passionately..... (Here comes a huge bucket of COLD WATER on your head) Wake up time! So although I declared war on my dating and relating life and resolved to actively seek solitude and celibacy rule, I have ventured to say the poisonous detox is starting. This is not the best feeling of even encouraging one to go through this torture of a withdrawal. Although I make and break myself, open myself to happiness and sadness, I know that this feeling and moment is just not for me. Where is my happiness, where the fuck is my rays of sunshine? How one concieve of so many cwhat if's in a day? It's like damned if I am, and I sure am! So with all of this said I continue to move forward and through this moment in time, although I appear stagnant. I see no positive changes, and my motivating factor continues to dim in the light of all lights....which are truth. I am feeling a disconnection from all and everyone. I am quick to blame, become harsh with my wording, looking for trouble, easily and eagerly engaged in a verbal match with another who wants to contend with me. I am very distracted, and also, annoyed instantly. I dislike these moments and feelings, because it is my way of letting go. Letting the anger and resentment and hurt funnel out of my body. Distressed I am. Sadden and upset I am. I can only think back and recount the "Where did I go wrong moment". Talking to my friends is therapeutic, but it never lessens the pain you feel. The hurt that is aching throughout your body. I hold my head down in shame of my actions and behaviors. I become super emotional, and within these emotions my passions are ablaze. I feel like I can do, react and respond to just about anyone and anything, all in good judgment???? Nope! So I know I must refrain and stay away from these feelings and emotions, and swallow this recent relationship bitter pill.


Tears of release.......

Each one that slides down my face is for you. It's releasing you from me, from within me. Some nights were crazy, some nights was extremely passionate, but this night there is nothing more than the closing of all my doors. The door to my mind is closed. The door to my heart is closed. The door to my body is most definitely closed. I cannot comprehend you, nor do I want to figure you out right now. I have no idea how and why I personalized this experience, or what let me to think that you wanted me so. I shed that tear, because that sentence was too deep. Deep enough that it pushed a few more tears out. Damn this is fucking with me. I mean really making me think back to the time in my life when I cared or even for that matter lusted after someone deeply. We promise ourselves this all the time "Never to fall and hurt again", but we succumb to a poisonous death.


Deep in my sadness I still survive. i hold my head up truly high and look to the sky for healing, counseling and guidance. Truly blessed I am. I know this because of what I have witnessed and experienced. I may falter and stumble, but I am always walking steady. Times may be hard and difficult, but I maintain and make it through. I will not always live up to even my expectations, but I am never EVER going to be a secondary or stagnant figure in your life. Cancel me out, close this door, for I have forgotten and won’t look to you anymore. Good Bye!

Lesson Nine: Staying True
Deep inside my needs and desire encompass all. This may not necessarily be a good thing, but hey it's what guides me through. I trust and love me enough to know that all in all, it and people, and unpleasant experiences will pass.

Day Dreamer

Going cold turkey or shall I say DRY TURKEY.....

My mind has remained focused on a self cleansing of sorts. To have the ability to renew my life in a positive way, by inviting positive people and experiences into my life, I can not and will not go wrong. If only when we write out everything, would it come to fruition after the last point and period. The day after a huge celebration and acknowledgement of change and transitions began with a bawling of tears. I cry for the failures, for the inability to see things through and for the inability to control and conduct myself in a manner that left and led me into better and positive situations. Then another emotion comes over me. Anger. Why the heck am I transitioning my life yet again. It seems as if constant change and fluctuations should be my first and last name. So when this emotions passes me over and I begin to settle again, I am left with ME feelings. This sense of cleansing and a sense of renewal and a start of something new is intoxicating. I want change. I want renewal and further more I want the sense of relaxation that comes over me when I know everything will be just fine.

How to maintain relationships.......
Having self checked myself I noticed that I have the "Daffy Duck" syndrome. In this self diagnoised syndrome I want everything to be my way, happen my way, start and finish my way. Although someone may be directing their feelings and attentions very expressive and openly towards me, I still want things to happen all according to me. So I decided to take a look at the root of the problem. When someone doesnt want to pursue a relationship in your terms "Boo'ed up", you can not hold a grudge against them or get upset. Previously if I heard something I did not like "We should be friends" "Let things happen and take it times" "Why rush" I would erase that persons name and number from my cellphone, email, myspace, facebook, AOL instant messenger, Blackberry Messenger and any social networking or instant messaging service. I just could not stand the idea of actually continuing a conversation with this person. My logic was "If they could not be with me on a particular level, why then would you want to continue to talk to me?". Whenever I would get a message from the denied someone I would appear nonchalant and "Oopps, who is this " when answering my phone or checking messages, although I memorized every name and number and screen name, and ID the person had. My pride, and rejected sense pushed me through the embarassment or just being friends. The idea of actually getting to know the person, acknowledging that hey the dating aspect of me and them did not work out, but perhaps there was a legway into a friendship.
So with that entertaining experience being placed in my past behaviors not to occur again list, I have found out a lot about myself. Not everyone is going to like or for the matter love me. I have to embrace what I am and how I see myself very openly and honestly. Although we would love for the ones we throw our hearts, the kitchen sink and everything we cherish and hold dearly in life to want us just as much, we can't let rejections get the best of us. If we were to like everyone or everyone was to like us, man we would be in a huge war and battle. Could you just imagine the Maury shows (LAUGHING OUT LOUD)

Dear THAT SOMEONE......

So I come to you as a friend. Although when I initially met you my sense of attraction leaped out of my shirt! It was like ding ding "Lets get it on". You made me laugh and smile, and better yet you made me comfortable. As we furthered started to get to know each other and intermix a friendship into an early intimate start and relationship, well I hoped the rest (dating and relating seriously) would soon begin to follow, but it didn't. Like a wounded animal, I liked the raw streched skin (my heart) back to size. I did not question or even ask you anything, because I felt as if I had no place feeling so much emotions, so soon and for that matter with you. I assumed that should I talk to you, you would not even acknowledge or hear me out, because after all I was not your Girl friend, or potential. I was a "pretty cool" girl, who was a catch. "Why didn't anyone snatch you up" you'd say....and I would think "Why didn't you snatch me up". So weeks of upheaval and inner conflict and strife produced a sense of rock bottomm which sprang fourth this renewal. A connection with me, with you. A connection with my mind, body and soul, all spirited as one. I no longer will look at you with hate, for you have not fufilled my need of want, desire and connecting with me. I will not become upset, because you are not interested in me romantically, I will welcome your friendship, but limited; for I am not your erotic toy, nor will I openly and willingly be so pleasing unless it's well deserved and mutually agreeded that there is more to come fourth and forward from my satin sheets. I will learn the meaning of a friendship. Am I to be attracted to you?Possibly. Am I going to want to get to know you? Definitely. Will I want to be casual with you? Nope. Simple stated questions, but yet so hard to ask and answer out in the midst or primal need and want. Although I have readily acknowledged my need to be needed and wanted and desired for, it will and has taken on an entire meaning when it's a mutual desire with more to reward and offer as it plays on. For that saying and meaning I am stunted and stopped in my tracks. I will and can wait. For I desire mutual reciprocity.




Lesson Eight: To wait is to age as wine

There is no need to rush for I am awaiting you. As I accept this new sense of dedication, this new way of growth in my life I await you. For you don't complete me as I once thought, you compliment me. I will respect my friendships and develop boundaries, but with you I will break down every wall you desire to bind me to. For we have bonded. I will await you.

To be Intimate or Not.....is that even a question???

Self assessments and a lot of time spent on thinking about dating and relating, the drama of misguided Cupid, love and affection and attention and so on and so on.....

A quiet Sunday spent in Brooklyn, in my apartment were all my dreams and thoughts attempt to come to fruition. I wonder to myself, why am I not in a serious relationship? Why am I casually dating with no regards to long term building, and also, why am I meeting people, whom I care for and am attracted to, but I see nothing further then right now. At times I deem myself selfish and such a pain in the ass to others, however, I can't help but feeling that overwhelming feeling of needing to be needed and wanted. It's so appealing and appetizing all at once. It's also the beginning of the end.

So I write this blog especially for myself. I need to see the written out meaning of my world and life in regards to dating and relating. I also need to let myself know that, although I deem myself a sexual being, someone who Cherish's' intimacy, passionate moments and exchanges, over time it means nothing if it's with a different person, and constant changes, no sense of stability, time well spent and also development and commitment. I forgo a lot of relationships, and the getting to know you period to feel that intimacy, that pure need and want and passionate embrace. As exotic and erotic as all of these feelings are and become, they are forever fleeting and continue to pass me by. A constant journal entry would be "I am so tired of the lames", "When will I see myself in a stable relationship" "Is it me", I am realizing it is me, and I need to do something about this urgently.

My best friend decided to become celibate for the right reasons. For sanity for herself. The drama with being casual, and the having a dating and relating game is a recipe for sexual and heartache disaster. The second reason is that she wants to dedicate herself to the right individual, to share her world and life with. She wants to openly express herself beyond her libido. She is more than her sexual self, she is an amazing woman. Intelligent, beautiful, independent, sincere, loving and amazing. All aspects for a wonderful partnership. As I write down all of the qualities I see in her, I see them in myself as well. So why can't I envision a successful relationship and experience with awaiting my future partner. I have grown tired of the casual life. Although sex is amazing, and the intimate experience with someone is to be valued for, it is not everything. When the act of consummating and conquering that special someone for the moment and at times just for the night has been completed, you are left alone. A shell of oneself. You turn over and allow the sweat to dry up. The scent of passion no longer clings to the air. The air which was once fresh is now stale of the after scent. You can't sleep, because this person you spent time with, is not the person you want to share your life with. I always hear the question "Well how can you be intimate and share yourself with others, when you don't want to be with them?" A simple answer and a personal answer is, having the ability to dictate and control the In's and outs of your life be it general hanging, casual hanging and the sexual aspect is something that allows you to control your emotions and feelings. I will not fall in love with a casual fling, it should not and does not mean anything. That was a reality I lived by, and also, you are utilizing the casual experience as a place holder for someone you truly want to be with and experience, but the inability to capture them, has spoiled over to your casual person or "jump off". So with all that being said I am realizing I want more.

More then a rumble in the sheets. More then time spent together occasionally. More then a call or text or Blackberry message. MORE! I am deserving of more, and should appreciate the effort and time I put into living and caring for someone. I also must regard my others feelings and know that if it's to be it will be. Fear of trying, and fear of being hurt and remaining emotionally indifferent has scarred me, however, it has not burnt me. So I am using this blog on this date as a way of saying HEY WORLD I WANT MORE! Alot of my ways, and even beliefs I previously held will have to change and develop into something more positive. My fear of love and being in love are forevermore changed. "I'm Ready"


Lesson Seven--So with that being said, whomever you are here is to YOU:
Allow me to be your other half. Someone that completes you. After a long day, let me shower you or bathe you if you like. Let me feed you your favorite meal and get you situated right. Let me hear your hard days of work and strifes. Allow me to kiss you and rest and relax with you. Knowing that laying with you will not be temporary or something fleeting. Closing my eyes and hearing you breath is everything and ALL I ever need.