There is a level of comfort within commitment. There is a level of consequence within inaction and there is a level of growth learning how to balance it all.
To sum it all up my Spring to Summer 2022 transition has taught me a lot about life in general, my current and past partnerships and just as to why I no longer connected with the few that at one time there was a held breath and hope for potentially something breath taking and life changing, but yet we are here, and the lesson learned is when you miss a train don't get upset simply smile because it truly wasn't meant to be.
The why...
Well I was always looking for a reason as to why we never worked. I was looking for a detailed and direct answer even clearer than before. I never really asked you outright as to why you never chose me, but wanted me more and more after your life choices no longer supported you and worked in your favor. The kind of sort of friendship between us has remained, but there was always this feeling within myself that I was never enough for you and I was pretty much a secondary selection for you and because of your life situation not working out for you, you had given up and settled on me.
Initially I was entertained, and I was thinking perhaps this was a life fate and a possibility for us to fall into one another, discover love, life and the endless possibilities of growing together, but yet there was always something that held us apart. I could never get into a healthy and supportive schedule with you. I initially expressed excitement and genuine care when preparing to visit you, but once I was around you I started to feel a disdain, a disconnection, disappointment and simply stated not engaged or interested in furthering anything anymore. Oh I tried, mentally to prepare myself for you, physically to be attracted and interested in you, allowed my mind to not divert to former lovers and passionate encounters or even movie scenes that brought instant feelings of satisfaction to me; because I knew there was nothing more with you. I had love for you, but wasn't ever in love with you. I couldn't even say lust because I was never that engaged with you, and I think you knew, but I didn't know.
I always held onto the notion that I was slighted by your decision to live your life and choose someone else, but then come back to me when all failed and no longer served you...but I recently discovered that I held onto a notion about "we" that never truly existed. I think I created within my mind expectations, outcomes and probabilities outside of truly getting to know you, and throughout all of these years I am just now realizing that I have finally let the notion of you go and it wasn't even about you, it was about what I chose to hold onto and not let go. I internalized being disappointed, not chosen initially and then attempts at you winning my affection and love would fill that self created hole, but it only deepened my despair.
With all that said I realized the power of the human mind. The ability for one to simply cloud their mind with thoughts, assumptions, expectations and outcomes of people we don't really like, we have no initial interest in and well they are simply not our first choices, what holds us is this fantasy that we will someone how become the selector or selection and all will work from then on, but it's not as simple as that. Every experience varies, communication isn't clear there is constant static in the air and the wonderous of love, life and relationships is not even close to what we had dreamed. It's an entire mess, and we have chosen to participate in the realities of this new life trauma.
Get into the thick of things. Experience and explore, but trust your instincts and intuition and inner guidance. You know what serves you, guides you and supports you. Obtain your closure, no longer accept the minimalist of experiences and want, create and desire more.
Cheers to the awakened mind!
