The walls up high.

There is a barrier that surrounds me. It's impenetrable, its impossible to bypass. It remain illusive to all, but once tapped into it becomes the pink elephant in a white walled washed room. Me shallow? Me timid? Two distincts but ever so distant descriptions of me. You wonder why I am the way I am? You wonder why I love so openly, but close down my heart and all feelings and emotions associated with my heart so tightly?

Will you ever know why I hurt so? Will I even allow you a chance to get to know me truly, madly and deeply? I counter a question with another question. I dodge maybe with perhaps so. I run away from prominent and potential to fall hopelessly and madly in love with no care or concern. I cheat with broken hearted and stay in bed with disillusioned........

Our connection is strong. Our love is there, but am I there? A lapse in time and any given space will not be enough....nothing is never enough as it seems. I feel drowned. I feel.as of I'm falling into that hexed wishing well. Time will cease if I omit. Time will end. Life won't resume. Paralysis and tidal waves of fears settles in. You will disappoint me. Trap me.

But I do. I care. I need and I love you. Why you?

I want answers, but I can't point one of ten fingers to any selected notation of my love.

I hope you read this......

You will never know what moved me. You will never know what inspired me. You will always assume so much about me, my life, my inconsistent world. You will always wonder what part or role you played in my life.......I will never aspire to answer to you no longer. My creativity and ability to intermix a story or  a scence, a passionate exchange and experience be it yesterday or yesteryear....has afforded me the opportunity to turn life memories into untimely, uncharted and unorganized memoirs.

Throwing a written declaration back at me was the lowest of all lows. You stalk my writings as if they were uniquely written for you. Rather than speaking to me and expressing your interest in what I wrote, you attempted to use it against me.

The relationship I once assumed could be solid, but had kinks in it, but eventually it would run its course and work out ....no longer appears as so. I look at you with a blank face. It's like going behind someone's back and using information against them......low.

Disappointed. Disillusioned.

Just when you think you can amend, we part again.

Read that. It's perfectly present.

With love

In the mean time

I'm waiting on my friend to arrive for our lunch meet up. The rain and cold air brings into mind all the momentus happenings in my life, and for that I must say Thank You.
Thank You for the patience and kindness.
Thank you for your understanding and guidiance with me and for me. Thank you for the ability to be humble. Seek solace in humility, honesty in my discomfort and trusting of my ability to transcend my biggest fears. Life is meant to research and explore, experience and face.
I am happier being still and awaiting centered guidiance. No choice is the perfect and at times best choice, but its a learning experience meant to be explored and expressed.
I am thankful for the ability to be in the moment. Lover of life and that which is explored!
Thank You!

Mastering the human emotions

Forced to transition and change with the times! That is exactly what I am facing and experiencing. I can no longer just be or go through life just making it, I can not even hold my head high enough to float above the shallow waters that continually drown me. I must look beyond the horizons and embedded skyline. I must see further then before. I am now in a situation where I hope to dream small and live bigger. Rather than dream large and maintain the small. The middle space is no longer comfortable or spacious to me anymore. I need to change. Having never felt this pressure to transition and change in such a short condensed time, but an experience that will wash over all of my life time has hit me now. I was fighting it and making my most attempts to ignore it, but it has led me astray and backwards. I feel as if I made my spontaneous life leaps to only be pushed down into the sand. This sand is neither light or welcoming and appears eager to encase me.....So I am running away from life challenges, but then I know I can't continue to lonesome road no longer. For each challenge and experienced faced I must admit to my flaws and faults and reasoning's as to why I wasn't quite successful in any one way shape or form area. I must say to myself exactly and entirely what exactly is going on with me. I have always held the ability to draw others in, and listen to their life transitions and issues with their days, but as for me...inability to identify a safe net to discuss my issues and concerns with. I was able to find an outlet in my journal writings, but I even was secret to a secret! How could that be? So recently coming across exercises that encouraged my mind to expand on all horizons has afforded me the ability to just be. Entertaining the good and the bad and finding a good moment in a declining day, mantra's that allow me to refrain from negativity, and prayers that guide me forward is opening the doors I have narrowed and almost barred away.

So my emotional state remains unbalanced, and I am accepting of this feeling and emotional set. In fact I encouraged an equilibrium not as sturdy and steady as expected. I am warring with the world, I am warring with myself, I am at constant defense mode and have set off several attack mechanisms. I fight for the unknown seat of stability that I have blindly marked. I don't trust, belief or have faith in anything outside of St. Jude and St. Therese as well as mother and father god. My dual belief's in the Omnipotent has not riddled me with unsatsifaction, it has increased my comfort level and belief set, however, in the unknown and unseen faith always gets me by, but my faith in what's in front of me, what has existed within me, who has been ingrained and instilled in me remains tested and truly then. In time I have lost love for it, all, but I am gathering strength steadily. I have no idea of my life completion in the trust journey or for that matter believing in self and others....however, I do know that slowly allowing entry way into life experiences will allow me long term balance and peace being still.

So mystery male you entered my mind and interest this weekend. Due to your inability or lack of response I became highly offended. I even thought, what the hell did I do to you to make you go from hot to cold and so soon, but then I calmed the rushing of my thoughts and mind. I allowed myself to not be caught up in the raptures of pure unadulterated attraction. I allowed myself to see that if you were Tully bullshit then you sure would be stinking up the place sooner or later. The idea of dating, and the art and practice of dating and relating rituals has almost driven me wild with thoughts and fear of failed relationships. I must say my dating expertise is truly limited, and my assumed thoughts of and reactions of expectations are truly daunting. As with everything I am aware of my life and situation and goals, and I also know I must disconnect from the social media sites and my mobile web to allow life to exist amongst myself. So I am giving you and my running mad and wild brain a fair chance to relax and breath and allow nature to take its course or discourse......

Lesson Eighty One: Back against the wall......
Another pressured ridden month and moments, but when allowed the ability to see self error and reflect on amending all issues and slights has allowed me to truly see my potential and self doubt. Lack of security, lack of sex, lack of love, lack of belief, lack of spirituality, lack of happiness all combined made a helluva week! So I applaud my ability to bounce right back and start all up and over again, but this time is different. My back is no longer against the wall, but walking directly away from it.