Making minor waves.......Tsunami you say?

The week has went entirely by me. I have had major highs and extreme loves all in the span of an entire 7 day stretch. So the idea of leaving New York is enticing me. I am being romanticized no longer by the limitations the Big Apple has captivated me with. I am no longer wearing my blinders. The sky is the limit, and if I continue to look up and away I will never stop moving. So New Jersey beckons to me, and I welcome her in my life. I have made the ultimate commute and sacrifice to transition to and from work and social activities, and then turn around and go back "home" to New Jersey. I have always had wonderfully relaxing times and experiences in New Jersey, so why not test the waters again.

As quick as time, I contacted my cousin and made the choice to leave New York City, Brooklyn to be exact! Behind. I decided that there is more to my life then living in a ratty old neighborhood, doomed with decimal abusers, and also, party peoples all over the corners and streets. I would not mind walking into my neighborhood and not seeing a living, breathing soul until I entered my place of residency. I would not mind walking around my neighborhood in it's beautiful beauty and solitude state. I would not mind leaving my New York experiences and ties behind. Starting anew and fresh is what is being said, and that is something that interests and entertains me the most. I am needing a new freshness and slice of life, that will propel me forward. I am needing to try something new and set my soul and spirit free.

So in transitioning to a new state I am transitioning my mind, heart and soul. It is you that I notified and must leave behind. You only questioned me as to why I am leaving, but then you readily understood and I have heard nothing from you since. I am thinking that perhaps you will express your true feelings towards me and for me, however, nothing has come of you and me, and obviously nothing has changed. So with that being said I welcome a new day and age of where I am wanting, but no longer needing and sacrificing for. I had a terrible experience occur to me two days ago. The deathly hollows of my life was presented to me. I was unable to attend to my slightest needs or make the pain and feelings of going off the deep end transition away. For in just an instant my life literally changed before my eyes, and as I laid in my self imposed silence and stillness and began slipping away, all I could remember was going through this moment by myself. I had no one to contact or call, and even though this incident was a case of emergency I dealt with my anxieties, and in my face fears, as well as long term hopes in such a shortened state. I didn't want to leave or end my life on a such a shortend note, by such a freak of nature and accident. Attempting to enjoy a blissful smoke, and I ended up with the side effects from the great beyond. In that instant I was fighting for more than my life, but I was pushing past everything that has crowded and stunted me. I at the very moment of complete dispair was able to pull myself physically, mentally and spirtually together and connect, and plead for my life and the saving of it. Whatever it was I ingested, well I wouldnt at all touch it again, and I valued myself more than ever before. SO as I think of him who continually pulls and pushes me away, I am not fighting for his love, and attention anymore. I am not pushing for his acceptance, for I have accepted it all. My fate is no longer in his unloving hands, but my reslove resides in my own. I fought like never before, and I knew it wasn't going to be an easy battle, but as I write this tears spring fourth from my eyes. If I can survive this, I can survive anything. Amen.

I can continually release you, but I am not. I am moving past you, because I can.

Lesson Seventy Seven: Remember it like it was yesterday......
I am entitled to being happy, content and within my own world created for and by me. I can and will transition forward and beyond, because I can. Afforded the abilities of free will, I am going to utilize every breaking moment. I am free.

Routine

So I am falling into myself as never before. Well perhaps as before, but more defined and pretty much open to changes and transitions, as never before. Routine....I have a few, but then again I don't stick to the same routines I have developed.

So my dreamed about vacation, and break from New York City living occured. I along with my two best friends vacationed in Barbados. We stayed at an amazing resort, which not only catered to our needs, wants and all included desires; the vacation allowed us to simply be and live unstressed, and as relaxed as possible. I was exposed to a different, but familial and familiar culture of exotic peoples. The weather battered us, but brought us out and about in at times torrential rains. I truly enjoyed being in a tropical location, able to see the vast and limitless skies, and able to rest and relax with balmy tempered waters. I slept well, ate well and was entertained well. I truly am feeling renewed.

So in my most renewed state my fantasies have met me. I continue to dream and entertain a former lover, and self deemed soul mates expressive emails and role play scenes featuring us in our most intimate and passionate positions. Do I go further and allow a definite past to become a definite future experience? I don't know.... Door number two opens to a male friend whom I have love feelings for at times, but then other times I have no apathy towards him. He appears apologetic and missing me. I don't know if our unspoken distance has allowed him to see the strain on our friendship and assumed relationship, but I am long gone from him and have emotionally checked out, but yet I read his messages. I am attempting to find a happy medium between us. Perhaps we can remain friends, but then again I question myself "where we ever friends"?......The man of the moment who has my heart, who silently calms my emotional waves, and is the tide and rip current that moves me. I am wishing he was right beside me. Sharing my bed with me, me cuddle close to him and lay my head on his vast chest. I love his smell, and mostly I love to see him lay back. I love when my mouth is on him and over him, his confidence and comfort ability with me, arouses me to new points of passion and pleasure. As you can see my love for him is more defined then just bed mates........

So on vacation and all I gathered my thoughts and took from all learned that I actually started having a romantic and relationship routine. Missing your lover, the daily communication, and night time conversation. Missing the connection and connective pieces. Allowing your day and evening to coexist with your lovers. Entwined in such a way that not experiencing a day, moment or gathered routine with your lover throws you entirely off the daily chart. The only thing righting you would be your lover.

So throwing care and concerns to the wind and embracing them all, I still love you. I have denied you each and other waking moment and space in time, but yet I come right back to you. For with you I am most appeased and content, and without you life does continue on, but in question. So as I vacationed my mind and soul, my body remained hovering back home in search of you. Did you know I love the way you snore, and the way you turn your head towards me. When you embrace me, and place one tree limb of a leg over me. I love that and more. A smile, a laugh and a giggle is all I need to hear from you and I am instantly relaxed. Just thinking of the recent moment(s) we have had, or shall I say routine happenings between us, I am excited for where things seem to be going, but then again I don't want to become overly confident and mistake computability for commitment either. It's a waiting game between us, and each day I am saying to myself should I stay or should I go, I don't know......but as each day passes I am embracing you more and more. Routine.

Lesson Seventy Nine: Never forget stability, and never compromise instability.
I am learning more and more each day, and having the ability to translate an emotion into written feelings and statements, allows me to clearly manage where I see myself, and where I am soon heading. Although situations, people and time may be fleeting, what is experienced is for ever more emblazoned in our minds.