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Showing posts from June, 2011

Believe in ME as I believe in YOU!

Another test in the ever pressing and constantly flowing changes in life. So I recently learned that when my fight or flight instincts kick in I can go one or two ways. Choosing the first initial way would occur something like this: I would decided to become upset, think irrationally and turn down all MacGuyver like ways to resolve the issue at hand. I would simply throw in the towel and look no further. My hopes and dreams and all prized possessions claimed up until now will simply dissolve and fade away into the back. The back of my mind would hold so much luggage of unused ideas, great escape attempts and also redeeming factors. A once firm believer in seeing something through regardless of whatever presenting factors occur, I would simply fade to black.

This quality and also first option is something I have grown accustomed to. I have grown to like disappointment and frustrations, and also, working with my back against the wall. I have learned to enjoy the bitter sweet response o…

For better or for worst?

So it is what it is appears to be the modern lingo for current happenings, broken happenings and past happenings in regards to what the hell is going on with my romantic world. It’s like I am in a crystal clear bubble, and I am looking out at each and every option I can possibly have and experience, however, nothing, no one, not even half of someone is catching my eyes of interest. Sometimes I wonder, and go right back to the ever pressing question “Is it me”. I would love to look each present and past lover in the face and just ask “What is it?” It appears that I continue to get swept up into the initial hype, but like a parade; it’s experienced, shouted out through and through and then over before you know it. Who’s cleaning up my progressed feelings and heart afterwards? Who is guiding me through these bumps in the road? As I look to my left and right, I see no one. All I can think about is where have all the cowboys gone! The Paul Cole songs blare in my mind and I start kicking to…

The build up!

As I exit from my work day, I think about the week that just past. The work week had the makings of a short worked week. I was thinking about how I will be prepping to leave for Barbados soon, and also, my impending 30th birthday and birthdate is steadily approaching. My happiness and contentment has been recieved and reached by me. Slowly, but surely improving my mindset and becoming emotionally grounded and open to new ventures and viewpoints in regards to life; I can only say thank you for the second wind.

So entering this new phase and moment in my lifetime; I can only sense "The build up". To what is developing and happening, I have no idea, but to where life appears to be streaming and going, the steady satisfaction and comfort in knowing my ability to work through my personal crisis, issues and problems. My ability to emotionally detach myself at a given time from some experiences and look at life realistically and at times logically. Being selfless and selfish are ke…

Monogomy over monotony?

This weekend I really had time to embrace myself and most intimate thoughts. What brought on these thoughts and more? Well I could actually specify one occurrence that opened up the flood gates of emotionally heart felt and not one lick of draining moments for me during my weekend.

So as Friday entered so did my long work week and all the feelings associated with not wanting to think about work, a work issue, a co worker, a client or impending Monday's reports due. All I wanted to do was be embraced. I really didn't have a set person(s) to be embraced by, however, all I wanted for was an experience outside of my recent Friday's. So I kicked back, hung out with my close friends, laughing and enjoying some decadent drinks, ambiance of the location we selected for the evening.

So as the enjoyment came through, I started to release the assumed pain. I started to think about the one who has continued to occupy my thought and heart. I really had this impression that he who capti…

Letting loose and veering towards no control.....

As of recently I have had a personal self discovery occur gradually over time, and then instantaneously throughout my entire weekend. I decided that I can not predict, make miracles, wishes and dreams all come true as planned in my lifetime. Although I am expecting a many good things and uncommon occurences to happen, I am now under the impression that if they should happen, ninety nine percent of the time the occurences will not follow as planned and I am finally ok with that.

What led to this moment, and many little self discoveries was my admission to myself about my need(s) at times to remain in control, have a set sense of self and balance, and be able to walk upright with no issues or problems in between. I was expecting no side bars, notations or even edits and life overhauling. I genuininly believed that I can have slight changes, and bumps occur, but nothing too common and routine. I was wrong.....

My transitions and fight with my life has weighed me down. I was under the impr…

The things people will do to get a rise from you...

So my yesterday starts back the return to reality and normalcy. Memorial weekend was an enjoyable, and relaxing weekend out of New York City, however, it wasnt the best of vacations and time away spent, but it was something to do, and a moment in time I was away from troubles and stressors. So now I come back to the hustle and bustle of NYC. The fast pace and the interesting occurences in life, and people featured in our lives. I walk in my office space and am clouded by the feelings of just wanting to walk out the front door with a one way ticket somewhere. So as I sit back onto my office chair, I am replaying the events of the days that passed before my eyes into my mind. I am literally calling out for that one moment that I can hold onto forever, but it never occurred and happened. I was disappointed that mutual emotions can easily disslove literally in under a minute.

I start seeing my clients, and reporting my loggings for the day. I am thinking of ten to twenty ways to rescue a …

So where do I go from here?

Back at it again....

Perhaps I have never stopped going forward. Just maybe I took the time to realize my life's plight and mission? Hmm....as I wonder aloud to myself! So initially I began discussing my up's and down's with life and the relationships I have experienced within my life. I felt like I was making waves and getting to reslovable points, but then another idea came over me. I decided that relationships and relationship woes is just a part of the pie and long term life plan. There is more to my life then searching for and seeking and securing a partnership with someone. There is more....the amazement and simplicity in just those three words. Interesting!

So my weekday started off in another state, weighing the pro's and con's of returning back home. I started to think of all the possibilities and reasons as to why I should reside in New Orleans long term, but then my reality came creeping back towards me and I felt the need to answer and respond to all I w…