Bad habits....

Whenever I am going through something or experiencing a change in my life I look towards all my safety net bad habits that sustained me and kept me afloat. That means contacting ex's whom I hardly missed or even had a second thought about how they are doing and the occurrences in their lives. Or perhaps we delve into the comfortable patterns of sloth and laziness and over indulgence. Yes, I could say that for the past week and a half I pretty much wasn't getting the exact reactions and responses from a lover that I wanted. It felt so easy to entertain negative and toxic responses. Texting so in so whom you don't like, but you enjoy the eagerness and prompt text responses from them. Hanging out with so in so because they indulge in ego inflation and over impressing causing you to take control and advantage of that situation and choose to your liking how you would like to see the date and night end, but when all is left and done and said and completed you are left alone with your thoughts and constant imagination. Overreactive.....I doubt it, but a burgeoning battle needing constant guidiance, self check in's and accountability.

Being the best and most responsible adult as possible is a hardship, but a fight worth going to war over. Maturity and life values and sentiments expressed and experienced about the right of adulthood and the hat you must wear each year as your self mission and values transition and change with acceptance of life happenings.

I realized that communication remains the key, and in regards to someone I want and feel most strongly about I was lacking in the area I pretty much feel I have excelled at in every other aspect of my life.

If he bothers me I understand and know that something I heard and allowed to sink into myself was something that I took on to experience and feel, so my outward reaction and response should not be in contempt of his response, but what should follow is a series of questions that you inquire openly about because you are interested in knowing how to either agree to disagree or mutually agree to come to some sort of understanding. You aren't alone in feelings and emotions being expressed, and you are definitely not only in your reactions and responses to another. Be it a relationship, family relationship and friendship communication remains the key. Why react negatively when you can clear your system and the air and understand the challenge and situation at hand? I'd rather reslove and issue with you, rather than hurt, take it out on  my past or make another "night mistake" with another.

Your value and my accountability is walking hand in hand.

Freely and Intelligently guiding love.

When everything appears to have been rejuvenated and looking fresh as the clearest streams, I then become patient and await the downfall of misunderstandings, disappointments and that ever to present feeling of something feeling too good to be truly present in my most current and inner needs of life. So going from a flighty high point and moment to an utter stillness to await the draft of deception, short-lived and forget about its I then became aware of me like quite no other self-assessment and life check in point.



I became aware of toxic thoughts and negative connotations associated with my mindset on my own personal battles with love and my thoughts on love and how I received and wanted to receive love within my life. I then began to let out all the pinned up disappointed air and faced myself and my feelings at hand. Yes I had fallen in love with someone. Yes I continued to admire and love them from afar and within kissing distance. I did not attempt to express myself as openly as possible within the realms of our budding friendship. I also did not understand nor respect my friend/lover/partners relationship and romantic woes as well. For our pinup and hold outs with love resembled each other. Instead of focusing on two human beings with a mutual and physical affinity for one another I became bitter and instantly angered at why things wasn’t occurring according to how I envisioned saw best. Why couldn’t he feel as I feel? Or emotionally express and open himself up as I do and did many times (or so I thought)?



I let go of hard feelings. I let go of difficult thoughts that kept me paralyzed to my own life and development. Having loved before, I knew I would love again, but this time with no expectations or downfalls or toxic thoughts to batter me about.



Freely, openly and intelligently I am gracefully guiding my heart in.

Time and Space and that IN BETWEEN love.

That underlying passion remains with us with you and within me. I realized just how deep my love and passion as well as desire’s are for you. All I can say is that the smell of newly interested eyes on my prize has left me. Literally you have my eyes wide open, knees knotted at the middle and in anticipation of your entry stance only.

Your smell and scent remains as an intoxicant for me. I become heady and high off of you and only you. When others attempt to impede on my grounded solace, all it takes is a call, text or link up with you. In your presence I ease in cat stance and await your fingers to glide down my back to my lower back to my all the way back.

Last night was experienced like no other. I think we not only bonded more, but I trusted you and you trusted me and we embarked on a lovers nest entwined with erotic riddum’s of past and present. My muscles eased and relaxed under your weight and stone like stance. I beckoned you deeper and closer inside of me. We fit, we meshed, and we molded and lost all control. Spent and energy easily taken from us. At that very moment your being and our intimacy mattered the most to me.

Each time I have my AHA moment it appears to occur when something physically is upset within my deeps depths of my soul’s existence. Last night I realized the significance of needing and wanting and desiring a true encounter. Not allowing passion and lust to overrule one’s souls dance with their soul lover.

Time has balanced and parted us, but we have remained as so. I ask why that is so, many times, but this time I don’t ask. I don’t even wonder. I just seek the passion and pleasure you provided me. This wasn’t a limited experienced, it was a lasting impression of our souls kissing and connecting. As I looked at you behind me, placing yourself and girth on top and within me, our eyes connected, our blood began to heat further on up. As our hearts raised and eyes glided over our sweating bodies, I continued to stare at you. The man whom I love instead of mouthing it, I released it as an erotic declaration and calling of my body unto yours. “Fuck me harder”.

Nothing like you.....Can't settle.

I wonder what more could I do for you to simply see my emotional state and feelings in regards to you? I wonder if I needed to photograph another appealing image, sealing my pictured self to you. I wonder how many times and moments, in which, I would have to settle for my less than desired male interest, because I am in need of filling my emotional voids in absence of you. I tire of them, when in fact all I want and need is you. From their kisses to cold touches my body mechanically responds, but with you I instantly bloom and become dewy and warm and filled of sweet and erotic honey. Yes, with you and your gentle to erotically rough touches my body and mind instantly connect and remain at full ease and attention, because of you.

The mixture of ones masculine and sexually permeated pheromone enhanced smells of a small-enclosed room stirs me to my most peaked arousal state. There is nothing like your sweat and cologne and the sweet taste of your aroused skin I quickly lean into taste touch and mold into my very own need(s).

Second and third best is never an option. To exist just to exist is never an option. No amount of kisses, caresses and body eroticism designed to engage my attention to them and their defining moment, but my mind and body are held at attention and not to their allegiance, but awaiting and wanting you.

I will wait. I can wait. In fact I don’t mind finding pleasure within myself rather than seeking out another, because in the end all that matters is you pressing into and onto me. Guiding my hands to your handsomely dimpled face to chinky eyes and sexy beard. The rustle of your chin hairs onto my skins brings fourth goose bumps. You stir me.

Why is this I question and ask? Attempting to forget you has paralyzed my progressive forwardness. Why is this again I ask? So do I only dream of you, or entertain you in the only limited capacity I have held and had you in? How can I survive this and in such doses?

The dilemma of the sexualized body and mind fixated on one who can only be held and had in situational occurrences. Such temptations and likelihood is best left alone, but to this I answer No. Can’t live with or without you. For this is truth.