Dreaming of and about YOU……

Putting in place our goals, inner desires and most prominent needs and wants; appears to be the appeal for the start of a new year. I challenge myself to dream a lot more. Experience and feel all, all that is meant to be received. I will not put in place or plan any experiences, or negative moments and people that are not a part of my higher plan and mission. The mission and long term plan is of having that relationship that isn’t exactly perfect, but it closely resembles perfection. The experience of a partner who acknowledge and listens to you. A partner that knows your likes, dislikes and maybe’s. A partner who is physically, mentally, sexually, spiritually, verbally engaged by you (and vice versa), that there is no other someone, moment or experience wanted, needed or questioned for. To awake to your best friends, confidant, lover and loved one is all everyone needs in this ever changing thing called life.

Turning point……..
So putting in place an image of the most sought after lover one could dream of, let’s deal with our current realities at hand. I am wondering to myself about my single life, and making my most ardent attempts at understanding my relationships, resolving them as best as I can, and finally surrendering from old dating and relationships habits. We (I) appear to be continually be challenged with almost the same experience and relationship downward spiral of a fate. I see that I can no longer just sit back and watch the relationship unfold. I am just as responsible for the start, middle and outcome of the relationship. I am also aware that I should not feel guilt or a sense of letting my assumed partner down, because I don’t share or value their bigger picture and relationship dreams of and about me. So with that being said I am very pleased to announce my ability and moment in life of taking control over my situation, and owning up to all the endless possibilities of what could be or could have been, without getting suckered and sucker punched into something (relationship, romance) that I dare say I don’t want to experience or need in my life.
My second wonderment in life in regards to my single life will probably fall on my inability to let you go. Just when I am healing and getting better and really not communicating or reaching out for you, our connection (mind and body) severed by time and distant space. Time which has guided us, but now separates us, appears to not have entirely severed that cord. I day dream of you the majority of the time, I am not embarrassed in regards to my feelings and emotions and intensity of feelings, however, I am more left to my thoughts and imagination rather than physically be with you. I am disappointed more and more with you, but I have accepted the defeat and purpose of us never being. Slowly I fall in love with the idea of we and us, but it was all a good dream, and for this purpose only I know that I will care for you, however, I must let you go.


Lesson Thirty Five- Coming to…….
Closure and exposure are the hand and hand friends of a successful dating life and world. I am not afraid to be opened and closed to heal and then reopen to experience and continue to love more and more. My desires will not dissipate with the dew of the romantic doldrums and trying times. I am loving harder and learning more. I have found love and its healing and amending capacities in life.

When the all smoke is clear and the signs are to be seen……..

No matter how much you tell yourself something is not a good idea, fit, look, want, need and desire for you; we are still left with heart circled eyes and an inkling of hope or desire for the situation to amend itself before it heads further down the drain. The situation could be an assumed more than friends’ relationship. Yeah you two mutually like each other, however, it‘s more one sided than ever. Or perhaps you notice your personal scheduled has become seriously busy and occupied, and it continues to prevent meet ups and dates from occurring from time to time with your lover. However, a consistent doldrums’ of your lover’s tone of busy all the time further inclines me to let it stray. GO and be done with already feelings!
The meager attempts to occupy your time and refrain from the messages and calls and any form of contact with your in question subject of attention and desire, you find yourself thinking of being with them, and missing the smallest thing about them. There scent immediately assails your space and you go into lingering and desiring for them mode. How is it so easy to just step back into wrong? Yes I said it……going back into bad habits. Habits that we swore up and down about no longer encouraging and regarding as important anymore. We immediately went into attack and put those feelings down action scene 100, because we know they were hurtful and resentful, and it served no actual purpose for our health and long term situation and current needs. So here comes the guilt truck, washing us down like the used and old car we feel like. However, this car just realized something…..instead of beating yourself up for being human and experiencing a human emotion and feeling , why not acknowledge the feelings?
Yes I said acknowledge the feeling!!!! Deal with it, don’t just shove it to the ground, double pad lock it in the forbidden thought closet, or swear on everything that it’s a thought that will occur ever 364th day, and not to worry. These feelings and more will continue to occur and happen, and aren’t easily washed away. Why? Because we are human. We think and breathe emotions. We crave a connection and a sense of history towards anything that brings back nostalgic moments. By embracing the memory, it does not mean we will go back into old habits, it just means that we are still dealing with the issue currently, and it has become prominent within our emotions center again.

How can we better deal with these feelings and memories? How can I resolve or for that matter is there any resolution from just a thought? The fear of just allowing something to creep into the mind scares us. It’s like going on the every year gym and diet change. We go great, but when the holidays come we attempt to not think about those moments, and we end up driving ourselves mad with not thinking tactics and techniques, then we totally go bonkers and fall off the wagon projecting a new start and date, and no mission accomplished but easily creep under contentment and backslidings welcoming covers…..

Well memory and nostalgia and moments felt and experienced from my previous loved to be in loved by lover thoughts……you don’t scare me. Actually you make me laugh. A mere expression caused so much mayhem and melt down moments. Madness I say! I embrace and invite you to be a part of at times my steamy night moments, perhaps I can put in a play of thoughts with you as well. How about I set the scene and it may remind me of a nostalgic moment, but it doesn’t have to include the forgotten lover experienced with. I control and conduct my emotions and feelings. I deal with them and will no longer run from them. There is no amount of hiding or running one could do anymore. Dealing and facing issues and allowing time to be the ultimate healer and concealor of all appear to be the best situation and resolution possible. I am blessed. I continually am learning how not to run and just go with the flow and deal with this every pressing steam pot called life!

Lesson Thirty Four- You remind me of…….
There is always a time and place for any and everything, but there never will be a recaptured time of the former me. The former me in regards to behavioral and thinking and thought processing a way of living and dreaming. I have changed and gathered all of these changes in one momentous moment. It’s time for me to reclaim my spot and stay on top and afloat of and above all.

Remember a time………

The late night calls and text messages I use to wait for. When I didn’t get a response or reply from my significant other I was jonesing for, I would text you. Not call, or inquire about how your day was or what you were up to for the evening, but call for where you were sleeping at for the night. I would not reach out or want to know anything further than how much and well you would receive and please me. You meant no more to me then the numerous missed calls with your name ever so present as the identifiable caller. My day would go so bad and end up so long. The evenings stress progressed into my nights stress, but one text and send button press and you were there. How I loved laying down and looking at my ceiling wondering “Should I shower and even give him the glam time, or should I just spruce it up”. Mad with hurt and anger from my disappointing romantic interests responses, sardonic and even mischievously pleased with your quick reply. Oh How I love attention……
As I wrote this passage I could not help but see the progress and self changes and transitions I have made. Not only do I see my coping skills, but I see the vicious cycle of healing the pain and dealing with the hurt. I see the girl I was and embrace the woman I have become. I have not given up on passion, but my response towards passion, love and affections have changed. Increased are my feelings and awareness of self love. Reading this passage, I could only see the anger, disgust and upset I was feeling for my once assumed in control situation. When I hurt I mended it with lusty passion. I cooled the heat of my emotions and temperaments. Instead of recognizing a chance to grow and develop and learn from my specific situation, I chose to isolate and numb the pain.

Reflective…..
Getting back at someone and being bitter will never resolve the incident and issue that occurred between you and them. Life at times throws wrenches into the kool aid mix, so we get lost with a purplish drink, with a rusty backwash tang. Tire do we become of the mindless and endless games. When will you learn to let it be and let it go? When will you cease the fighting and mindless moments, where you are left hurting more? When will you take responsibility and accountability for your reactions and actions in life? I have glanced, looked back and frame all of the hurts and moments of anger and simply uncontrollable rages. I have forgiven, and kindly forgotten these moments and moved right along. Tired of the stunted growth and movement. I am ready. I am ready.

Lesson Thirty Three: Take your time….
Finding forever is like finding right now. You aren’t missing anything any second less or later. A minute lost is a minute gained. A lesson learned is a life goal and value increased. Chances are we wrote all the hurts, slights and moments into our lives. It is now time to unravel the folds and deal with them. Take your time.

Knowing exactly what you want……

Having the ability to identify your wants, needs and desires is an amazing feat. I say this because not too long ago I knew what I wanted to have in my life, in regards to a prospective mate and life partner; however, I went about the assumed process the wrong way. One will never change their individual wants and needs and desires if we choose to settle for less then what we bargained for. I always hear that it’s best to be in a relationship regardless of all the circumstantial evidence of why this relationship really is a hazard for you. We are pushed by our friends relationships be it dating, married or the assumed on/off love marathons. We visually ingest all of societies assumed reasons for why we need to have a relationship. Singlehood and for that matter single life is deemed an unhappy time and experience in one’s life. So we gravitate to anyone who fits our most basic needs. We glide to anyone who looks at us with a smile. A simple wink and acknowledgement is all we need to carry on further to the basics of dating and relating 101. Our need or assumed need to want to be in a relationship, situation or just occupied by the interested and entertaining opposite sex (same sex) conditions our minds far away from our initial wants, needs and desires.
“I know that I need a strong person. Someone whom can hold their own and stand beside me; not in front or behind, but right next to me.”
Corrupting old ways…….
An initial meeting with someone does not determine or negate a relationship. Having texted, instant messaged or emailed, Twitter followed, Face Book status message liked or daily page comment negates a relationship. Going out, and experiencing each other’s culture, friendship, personality and likes and dislikes negates the start of a friendship, with impending ideas and possibilities towards developing a further romantic future and relationship. As an adult we must face the reality of sex and how sex has positive and at times negative meanings associated with casual sex, dating and relating.
Ideas on Casual sex:
I am not approving or denying anyone’s assumed sexual experiences, however, for this matter I am only focusing on my personal experiences and instances in my life where I deemed casual sex as a good thing, and then again not so good thing. At times we think with our most intimate and private parts. We become so spun and hot and bothered over our attractive interest that all morals, principals and self signed and sealed responsibility act falls out of the window. If you are looking more toward the future and stability and getting yourself and personal life passions adjusted, casual sex will not get you anywhere for too long.
“I may have loved you passionately throughout the night. I may have guided you more than once inside of me. I may have kissed and looked at you deeply so, but all I was and could ever be to you was a flame fading out in the wind.”

Lesson Thirty Two: More than a lover….
I will meet you my friend. You will enter my life at a point where all is balancing and moving forward. I will embrace the concept of many failed attempts and mistakes at the dating and relating experience, however, I am not bitter or soured on future relationships. I have gathered a respect and self fulfillment on achieving happiness. You will knock, I will answer.

Fresh face, best foot and self forward….

The energy and time we spend getting all dolled up and designed and perfumed down for a first date, should be the same energy we carry into our everyday getting up routine and experience. Today as I awoke I thanked everyone for the beautiful chilly AM, and for the ability to see another day to transform me. As I got up from bed I noticed that the shower water was not as warm as I would have liked. I could have easily skipped the shower (quick wash up) and put anything on and made my way out and about to work, however, I decided to make the best of this situation. I imagined I was out in the Rockies in the midst of the winter season. I imagined I was washing up in the coldest river ever. As I began washing and cleansing my body from the night sleep, I envisioned your eyes on me. I felt your touch and lips on my cheek to my neck, down my side and gently kissing the indent of my hips to pelvic bone. Hmmmm……. What a way to break the actual feeling of the cool water on my warm to hot skin! So as I envisioned this scenario, I also envisioned my ability to put my best self forward. I took my time with my hair, and make up and getting the correct perfume scent on for myself for the day. I took care of me, and met all of my needs and was extremely attentive to making my moment felt and experienced right. I feel as if everything started to align itself for a positive and awesome day. Constantly thinking and always in the throes of a new topic, I decided to speak on one’s ability to not make time for certain occasions, and things (people) but make these times and moments a daily experience. There are times when the sweat pants and hole in the shirt feels just about right, however, jazzing it up and making yourself feel simply amazing is what matters the most, and something that you can do in a matter of seconds. The food for thought figure is just how far we as individuals go to appease and appeal to another, when we hardly go through the motions of appealing and making ourselves feel good on our own. Long ago it appears are the days when I present myself as a gift for you. For you to open and plan out just exactly what this package of me will be. Long ago and far behind are the days when I concern myself with what you think and say and view of and about me. I opened my own package this morning and I was delighted with my self surprise.

Dreaming a sensual dream…….
Surrounded by you, all of you. Passionately teasing my senses with your scent and masculine smell. A smell that is so intoxicating it reminds me of night pleasures. Passionate and sweet are your words to my ear. Caressing and binding is your touch to my body. Intricately and detailed is your sex on me, and inside of me. Fully satisfied and situated are my mind, body and soul to the contours and folds of you. I embrace everything that you have shown and taught me, teasing me so until I can’t speak. I am engulfed and emblazoned by your passionate desire and need to take over me. For that I speak only love for you. A need and desire that grew from beyond our intimate moments spent together. For you never knew I imprinted my desire for you on the first day I saw you. I took in your size, your stance and your rise. Steady was your walk, and confirming was your grip on me when we crossed blindly in the endless rain ridden streets. I then knew I would be dreaming for and of you…….


Lesson Thirty One- Slowly untie your belt……
I am feeling more free in mind and soul and sprit. Ready to give my all to my needs and desires. No longer stagnant in thought and progress. I envision for everyone the better and the best, in fact as you read this I want you to look yourself in the mirror and slowly and sensually walk towards your image and just stare and say “Damn, I am so beautiful, sexy and talented and most of all I love and value me”. Sense of empowerment from personal pledges and self affirmations are the best medicine yet!

Trust in YOU

Familiarity with situations……

So as times progresses and changes and situations increase or decrease, I am paying so much more attention to matters at hand. First and foremost I am learning more about me, and my needs and personal wants and desires. I am learning to enjoy my own company and sit still with me. Anxiety and paranoia at times seeps into the mind. Why? Being so comforted and content and set in a way that completes me so brings up worry in the areas of you. Will I be able to accept you in my life? Am I willing to accept you in my solitude of times and state? Will I revert back to old ways of thinking? Will I lose me? I have worked so hard to sustain myself. I have worked even harder with acknowledging myself worth and also love for myself. Once these gray clouds starts treading into my mind, I become anxious and nervous all at once. I think about the maturity, and the self success that I am experiencing. I am finally accepting former faults and failures with open arms and a budding heart, however, this does not mean I want to repeat them or have them contending with my daily in’s and out’s. In fact, I assumed I extinguished them all with my new self outlook and love. Love for me and love for my life. As the panic and anxiety subsides, I then begin to realize that fear has stopped me many of times. Fear has not only kicked my ass, but it has put a long stand still to progress. Fear has paralyzed me from realizing my potential and upward successes, from small to large. Fear has talked me out of many experiences, potentials and probabilities. Fear has led me to believe that this will be the end result of an assumed situation. Fear has severed my head, to heart to soul connection. Well I no longer invite fear into my life. I extinguished that notion of being submerged by the darkness of fear.

So if I could suggest this joint relationship it would be like this…..
My space and peace and calm have always gathered through the most troubling and time consuming times. I have gathered myself, nerve and strength from relying on these factors in my life. Personally it’s my medication to quell the troubling times. However, should you enter my life it would simply remain the same, but you would be included in my resolve and return to me tactics. You would assist me with centering myself. I would rely on your convictions of making my experience the most valuable and best experience ever. I would turn to you not only as my lover, but my confidant and friend. I would look for you in times of success and strife, for you are my companion and you compliment all my needs. I am not afraid to surrender for love, but I will not submerge myself. I am aware that this is a two person situation, and that in order for us to become a success we must make our experiences the best possible experiences as of yet, however, we must take a note that we are two individuals entering into a relationship not to be molded as one, but to forge and solidify our path as a whole. I am not losing me, and neither are you losing you. We are gathering ourselves to bind our souls together as the tying factor in life. Our love, friendship, dedication, trust and honor of each other will supersede the small notions and trying moments of life. Our mutual and pure respect will carry us to new avenues of dependence and interdependence. For I love and value you, and look forward to connecting and spending more time with you.
Lesson Thirty: Out with the toxicity and in with the clean love
As many times as I excused myself from commitment, found time to burrow in a hole of self doubt and pure unadulterated rage of failed relationships, I now venture on a truly positive and self loving experience. A journey as never before experienced with and for me. I invite everyone to challenge themselves in the name of true passion and love. Venture out and expose more of you, explore and dare to share more of you, but respect what and who you are and the successful person you are creating yourself to be, because although we would love to be born an amazing one, we must put all the pieces together. We (I) have to take life’s time to get to know you (me), in vigor and empower you (me) and most of all love who you (i) am, and am becoming.