So he says......

It’s so difficult hearing someone tell you about yourself in the most negative outlook. Sometimes we think that in everyone else’s eyes we are amazing figures, and that whatever we failed to do and achieve in their own individual eyes remains secondary and never important.

 

I had to hear someone out today. Stomach tossing and turning with anxiety of the awaited ear lashing of what I assumed would be insufficient bullshit. In actuality it was significant. It mattered, and I got a clear picture of how I reacted and responded to this person.

 

Selfish, self centered and absorbed. Viewpoint and interaction with him limited and one sided.

Spoken like a true champ!

Can we say deflated ego a bit? Was this how “he” viewed my interactions with him? Ugh! So be it. I started to become upset and angry all at once. When someone calls me out, or makes their best attempt at getting my attention in regards to a response and reaction normally a finalized encounter would occur, but this time I acknowledged the truth. My response was the absolute acceptance of the reality of the situation.

 

I have wanted more from my sought after partner. Dreamed of many interactions of the fairy tale and fuzzy endings. I never really looked at all the aspects of relationships, the dual demands from two viewpoints. I WANTED IT ALL and more, but going about it and being about it apparently are two different experiences.

 

So where do I go from here? Finding so much wrong……

Believe

I can’t collapse and I can’t fall. Throughout it all I have seen and experienced my fair share of disputes and self-doubt. If a tear should fall from the tension and stress then I will allow it to slide down my face. I will allow these feelings and more to dissipate. Hardships and heartache run hand and hand, but this time it’s reached a pivotal point.



Always having had my back against the wall, this time I silently walk amongst him. Intrigued for some time now, I have always remained in a constant awareness of him and myself. Defying all the ideas and logistical twists of life and forming that ever illusive long lasting relationship prevented me from wanting more. Fear is that ever present spectator pulling me away from reality which can be based on a premise of happiness, love and togetherness.



A recent happening has made me center my view point. It is what was needed for me to finally believe. In this belief I grew to love. It was always there, but I feared watering this potential flower. Use to disappointment and the bull shit, I accepted being self-centered, egocentric and at times looking at someone I was steadily becoming helped me to pull myself up short. Life can be full from many standpoints, and I have never lacked in the friends and family department, but the substance and nourishment of a bonding, budding and long lasting relationship never bested me.



So why now……



Being ready, having that life moment occur all mattered, but what mattered and meant the most is I truly believe.

I believe in you for I believe in me.

Lesson Learned

No cares in the world has caused a downfall of self. A downfall of self with an iconic imagery of the Peter Pan life just met a reality check. No one is ever prone from the ill effects of life and that once assumed ideal and realism expected from the one(s) you held faith in let you down the most. Never counting on anyone but yourself remains the true answer to your most inner asked life question. In so I say believe in you, for in me I will always remain free and true.


Taking from this experience it was a lesson learned. Not something that I would readily want to grow from, but it was a learning curve that caught me mid spiral. Freeing is the ability to clarify the issue at hand, but lasting is the damage that was created at hand. There is nothing further or anything additional to add, but it was experienced, faced and closed.

I don’t wear a scarlet letter no more.

Closure to this point in my life has created an opening of my eyes.

A night’s pleasure is not worth a lifetime of headaches. An assumed dream is not worth the downplaying of your current every day. One sided relationships are the cause of the ill adventures and the heartache. Allowing the deserving in true to value you is beautiful. A brief fall from grace, but thought upon and searched upon I head back in its way.

Thankful it was one sided and one way. Thankful the hardship of such an experience and trying time lasted less than 48 hours of a mind fuck. Time is of essence when life is loved and lived, but time is not of essence when it’s wasted.



Thank you to the needed ass kick to let the fast lane slowly go.

Toxic

Why is it that we hold on to toxic people and relationships? Why is it that we think we can redeem those who need redeeming? Why is it so hard to leave some people alone? At times I throw all of these questions at myself, when outcomes like I recently experienced (a whirlwind of a friendship and relationship goes sour). When you feel they are redeemable, you give them time, and in time their true personalities come out and they in turn become mild reminders of what you don’t want in your life anymore. I can’t hide this fact and many more actualized happenings and recent events; however, I can say this for sure my mind is made up and you are no longer a reason to mind.

Toxic people are not to be reasoned with. Toxic people are to be flushed out your very system. This should be my personal morning motto and quote to myself, to keep me from sending or receiving any form of communication to this particular someone. I finally came to terms with my inability to see a difference in emotions and response from this assumed potential partner. Was my need to bond and initiate and build something with someone so intense that I was blinded by reality? Which was in fact me being impressionable and wanting that close and tight knit connection once previously experienced, which feels like light years ago but to date nothing has even came close to that relationship and point in my life.

The downside of these occurrences all relates to the cycle of unhealthy relationships, and why I choose to entertain some and never truly put the perspectives of why I just don’t want to develop and continue on seriously with them. A season finale is needed I say!! So with this fact-finding and self-assessment I believe I have reached my point and limit.

So closing that chapter on you, on me I have set myself free. Good Bye.

What separates me from the others......ORIGINAL!

Talent can be measured and monitored for just so long, but creativity is the birthing of a designed place in your existence as the artistic one. Everyone wants to copy and replicate and change up a previous concept, into a more modern and conditioned viewpoint, however, honestly speaking it all is the same.
What separates me from the others? I live my pain, and in my pain came the ideas to write about my transition from previous thoughts and assumptions, to currently based experiences in progress. Nothing was taken from anyone’s personal experiences and fine tuned into something to be portrayed and fitted into my ideals and now.
Everything written was a part of me. I liken that part of me to a snake shedding its skin, and with each skin shed each experience coiled and folded around me and beckoned a new journey. So when I ask “What separates me from the others?” I answer back proudly “The ability to remain original.” Hands all the way down!
Original. Originality. Being true to your inner deepest belief set and ideals. Idolizing others, but in a modest and respectful manner. Taking from experience and learned knowledge to continue to develop and grow you. New Growth, some may say, but talent in the midst of altruistic and artistic value. Original is never stamped, but a stapler of truth. Stay true!

No Expectations......Try it!

Defining something in the midst of it whatever it may be or will become has been a life struggle personally for myself in regards to my relationships. Today I finally acknowledged that making self definitions in the start of something caused expectations and cemented ideals and standards that could never be attained or lived up to, because I never gave it (my expanding mind and heart) a chance. Learning this has allowed me to begin to uncover more of my disinterest and immediate dislikes with potential and previous partners. Singling out someone because of your expectations and ideals can actually cross them entirely off your romantic list. Assuming that you will feel the fire works and hear the slightest wedding bells in the midst of meeting “the one” has shadowed each and everyone’s minds to the max and is causing disinterest in the dating and relating realm. A simple date can conjure up more then what if’s for the moment, try the five year plan what if’s. A night on the town with the attention and interest of getting to know your date was once the pressurized themed night, to now almost turning a dating experience into a life interview for the long term. Talk about pressure! In today’s world we have enough going on and happenings to incur additional stress, especially in the areas of our lives that are supposedly pleasure seeking and adventure oriented. So why not enjoy the moment in time with a prospective partner with no expectation of what if’s or that damned five-year plan. How about going about life on a daily basis. Finding the ability to successfully survive another 24 hours. and within that 24 hours your find pleasure, enjoyment and solace with each and everyone you have shared your day with. How this relates to the dating experience one would ask? Well you simply have to internally look at your dating experience and really analyze where exactly have your dating experience gone astray. You also have to define are you the lonely lover craving what you feel you need in another, or are you the one looking for someone to compliment and solidify your life and experiences thus far? With those two types listed you automatically begin to feel a world of pressure. How about becoming an undefined type. Someone who is interested in self enhancement and personal achievement and betterment individually in their own life, as well as meeting like minded individuals to pursue an undefined initial relationship based on friendship and mutual interest. The value and beauty of this relationship is the start that it was given without any expectations or demands from on each other. So in essence taking your time to arrive to your destination is actually more valued than predicting, projecting and speeding ahead. I wouldn’t mind being a life tortoise, because now I know my destination!

The Struggle.......Humble

Cementing your footsteps into the walkway of life has never looked so challenging as it does now. Each moment is characterized from a struggle or stressor that is then toppled over by life. The exhaled breath is lessened and pressure has risen. Can this be? As I make it through another day I question myself, and reason as to why I must continually find myself in these situations. The angst I put myself through. You then begin to wonder why we live our lives as such? Can this be? If given the opportunity to start anew and fresh would I transition and change my life? For each experience faced and expressed I thank you. I draw from humility and gather my strength. A hard lesson learned, but a decided pathway to freedom. Each struggle is building the momentum to pursue and push past whatever was paining me. Embracing hardship is not necessarily laying down to it either. I just decided I no longer want to run away from the problems, because I am the problem. Self created. Taking a bow to responsibilities and life.