Entertaining my reality.....

I could simply go with your flow and forget all assumed life plans and options and just be as one with you.....I could awake with no cares, no love lost or a cost to my condition I imposed on myself. I wouldn't even question or consider my drastic reality check and life choice. I would do, and be....

What a dream! As I awoke from this Zombie like life state, I only imagined just how and why I came to that reality and life answer. All I could think about was simplifying my life, and taking a short cut. Life has truly been amazing and a blessing for me, but it has been anything but easy. Yes, I live a good life, been through tumultuous and at times heart breaking changes. You tire of being Macguyver 24/7 and you yearn for consistent stability. Life has afforded me several options, all with no life raft or seat belt, and as I venture forward to investigate each offering, I am parachuted to the next bumpy ride. No matter how amazing and awesome the experience, I have come out of each and everyone with a life scar. Just thinking about the experiences brings a tear to my eyes and a release of tension and strain, but with each consuming Passion I am brought center first. I would not change any experience, and I Damn sure just don't want to settle for anything and anyone. When I start entertaining these ideas, my oneness with my mind, body and soul continue to tell me to refrain from sporadic jumps and patiently await a life sequence and surprise. There is more lessons to be learned, many doors to open, people to recognize and places to recall and remember. I know me, and I know somewhat of where I am headed and going. I trust and respect my intuition. Hmmmm...maturity message!

So to be is to be, to learn is to openly recieve and entertain life's possibilities! I welcome it. I infact want it.

I believe.....

In just a span of two weeks life literally changed before my eyes. I was stressed and strained, broken down and broken hearted. Lonely at nights and in a dazed stance during the days. Wishing as always that my dreams would come true. A lover to come home to, a creative and productive career to awake to and in the middle and mean time red faced, loud and cackling children to cherish and share my life with. Oh how I believed this life was meant for me. The life to love and live and set me free. Feelings of a self imposed zombie state has forced me to deny my reality. Altruistic tendencies has further drawn me away. I can not see, hear or think straight. Everything bothers me or troubles me, relationships once loved are lost all over again......what am I to believe anymore?

All I could think of in times of my distress were lyrics from a Jay-Z song "And they pray and pray on my downfall....." Each word echoed volumes and reaonated deep inside. Something I so desparately sought was so long lost and gone from me. My faith and belief in self was no longer steadfast and important to me. I lost Myself.....

But in each lost step I woven a new way. I began feeling, touching and seeking and believing. Life and each troubled memory began meaning many things to me. I prayed more than ever and as openly honest as possible. With each understanding and amazing night and day I began growing tall and stronger and believing in me.

Never lost, always found. Faith has progressively saved me, and for that feat I am blessed.

In change comes answers.....

I am learning a lot about myself. With your back against the wall your mind and visual length expands. I am seeing that although I have enjoyed my solitude time, my career endeavours and the times well spent with family and friends; I still feel a sense of loneliness. Those gloomy nights when nothing can be read, viewed on TV or overly prayed upon to calm your nerves. The longing and need for your paramours touch trumps all previously addressed and spoken about.
It's winter and I'm cold. My heart is frozen amongst many warming hands, or potential romantically peaked interests who assume they have the key to melting an embedded frozen heart. Do I stab them with an eerily cold embrace, or do I await the tingling pricking sensation of being awoken again?
Is all lifes problems resloved with a flippant attitude? How am I escaping this situation? Does my great deceptive tactics go hand in hand with my need to be free, or do I finally have my moment where there is nothing behind me or facing me......I must trust and believe that everything will be ok again?
Mentally drained and romantically isolated.

Save me.....