I took my form of release and a means of communicating to a
higher level with an ex. Instead of the lengthy emails, or the text messages
with an emotional parallel that resembles mixed messages and a communication
break…I realized that what’s better said is always experienced in person, and
even though the opportunity for us to meet did not present itself I created
one.
The funny thing about recording yourself you are no longer
concerned with how you are seen, but how the message is received. I literally
watched myself record my longing to be with a lost love, or need to have some
sort of reconciliation that would make everything we haven’t experienced mean something,
or to resolve to fill in all the holes of the relationship and make it whole
once again. There was no moving forward or even a since that this would mean
anything even further. The time from sent to receive was like awaiting a meteor
impact. I was in limbo and awaiting either paradise in a response or slowly
transitioning to Dante himself and writing about the inferno I was living in,
but the melodramatics canceled and I slowly began to realize I have gifted
myself with something I had been awaiting and something I wasn’t going to receive
from him and that was closure.
My means of recreating a since of connection, was also a
means at closing this chapter. I then realized that if I would have thought a
little more about it, I probably would have found a way to talk myself out of
sending the video, so I didn’t think about it. I simply sent it with my best
intentions and thoughts, and no regards for the after effects of the video once
I realized what a prize inner peace can become when it’s won!
I no longer battled with awaiting his response, or engaging
in the back and forth about deciphering the meaning of our conversations even
more. Nope…I simply awoke briefly after a nap and deleted the message, and I
didn’t have the urge to send him a message as to what was his response was? I
allowed myself to freely trickle away and allow the cool morning air to greet
me from my sleep. My day started with faith in my ability to move forward, and
when moving forward there could be absolutely no doubt that there was meaning
in his arrival and departure from my life, and whatever meaning it became for
me, I had finally drawn the line in the sand and allowed myself to simply let
it be, let it go and learn from the experience and life lesson. To continue to
torture myself heart with creeping of sadness, lucid dreams of longing for him
and wanting to have a definitive answer as to our demise…well there sometimes
would be occasions when the best response was no response.
The quality of my love ships must be magnified by my ability
to want more from myself, my overall life experience and to believe that I can
and will achieve the desired effects from effective communication, patience,
passion, understanding, emotional intelligence, a genuine need to truly
understand ones plight in life and the willingness to partner with another through
good times and stressful times, respect, honor and most importantly and
unconditional and unconventional kind of love.
Until this experience is honored I will no longer accept
just anything and anyone.
I’m so grateful.
