A silent love is a lost love........

Time has elapsed into a defining act and decision

A silent love is a lost love.

Feelings and emotions all drawn into the mix of a surface relationship can only sustain the liquid mixture for just long. Reality seeped. I began to think to myself why does it matter to me in regards to you? Why do I care so much about you, when the majority of the time I feel as if it’s expressed one sided……but then I realized I never had you. I had devoured you as sensually and sexually fulfilling to both of our appetites. I allowed the sheets and nights air to imprison our passion for that moment only. The echo of nothingness and no further swallowed me whole.

The battle that is waging within me is truth, light and wholeness. I can’t survive as half of a person or half of me. Can’t sustain myself no longer; a flood of information afforded me that almost instant push and dive from my lover’s cliff. A suicide of the hearts mission, and so I marched forward and pushed away. No turning back they say.

Poetry to my eyes, resolve to my soul.

Needing and wanting and defining the two

Needing and wanting and understanding the difference in the two is made simpler when you are aware of your own individual desires. I have wanted so much in life in regards to financial, educational, material and romantic success that I have blinded myself to my own needs. Feeling a bit flighty and a self-actualized failure of self of sorts, I have allowed myself to swarm in the doldrums of my own self-created emotional prison. How did I escape those tormenting feelings? By realizing my needs and wants and envisioning a burgeoning desire ahead.

I wanted to be wanted and needed all at once, not taking into fact that these two would walk hand in hand and at times in unison in my life. I gave into simply wants thinking it was the steps I would need to develop and grow into a new me, but the wants increased and became primary in achieving. I no longer catered to my own needs and could not identify anything steady and current in my life. Nothing concrete or in the inner workings of developing into something meaningful ever mattered to me. A want could not be seen or envisioned furthermore until now.

I dreamed of you. I dreamed that one day you would enter my life and the two would meet each other head on. The want to experience and have you in my life, would then summon in my need for you. Awaking to myself, in my own self-imposed world is no longer a desire, but awaking next to you was the wanting I needed to explore and expand further. 

Falling into HIM.......

Weighing the past into an entwined future I believe I have come across him. Looking at life through out it’s up and downs I have found that my journey continues to wind onto a road of untested and uncharted roads. Beginning anew again a road that I venture towards.

I have pretty much written about the downward spirals of romance that have affected my life physically, mentally and personally. The doubt, mishaps and hurts, just to think it was continuously lived out day in and day out of my life. What has happened and occurred now? Well I am allowing life’s lesson to mold and guide me to a sense of an erected destination of peace, contentment and love.

We will never know how much we mean to an individual until we inquire and request an in depth analysis about ourselves from their very own eyes. Perspectives allow us to gain a sense of self from outside of ourselves, and to this visual we learn just exactly how people see us especially the ones who love us.

So, I have seen myself from his eyes. He captured my imperfectly perfect ways in the best of manners. Embracing my essence in the dancing New York City nights. I loved it and him……could it be?

Letting the sorrow down unto my dancing soul no longer devour my present passion and love.

The EXCITEMENT

So it begins.....

My mind is free. My heart is expanding and I am interested to know more. This adventure that comes from the search within has finally run it's course. I can not express how many times I have blogged from points of utter confusion, frustration, sadness, feelings of romantic elation and break through until now.......this calming and restive state.

Whatever is placed before me I am ready to venture towards.


EYES WIDE OPEN.