Am I letting ME go………..

Waiting in the wind, just letting the summery breeze pass me by, I see a smile, a charming face and I linger towards his touch, and teasing taste. I smell his aroused scent, and I am overly stimulated and battling my raging emotions and control. Emotions and control that I have kept in check for so long. I then begin to think about all the nights and days where I reasoned with myself, and counseled myself on behavior and curbing my sexual desires and appetite that appears to start with a huge bam and then filters into a less than desirable fizz. I wonder if all those self talks I gave myself in the bathroom will shine through. I wonder if all the days and nights I laid in bed praying for the acceptance of sexual decline, and also a dropped libido and sex drive, however, none of that prevailed and my mind set quickly changed into who you are, and how are you pleasuring me tonight? As I steadied myself, and began causally walking towards the man of my dreams my inner thighs began clinching, my breasts raised and nipples thrust forward in my bra awaiting your touch and wet tongue. I inched closer and closer and opened the door and began walking towards you……..The man who sets the tone for all males. The man who hunts my dreams and awakens me to kisses, and showers of love. Love that is so intense I am paralyzed by your sex. You open your arms and embrace me as I walk forward towards you. Your scent intoxicates me and envelopes me in a wave of erotic passions. I adore and love you. I come with you and for you. I only want you……….
Do I dare?
The fear of the unknown can and will overwhelm you. I allowed myself to entertain the idea of seeing you. Engaging in a mild conversation, possibly watching a show or movie and then engaging in raw, explicit sexual activities. How dare I jump from humble pie, to sweeten peaches and cream…..hmmmm I dare say I jumped to what draws me currently. I just wanted to be fucked. Endlessly and pleasurably so. I want to close my eyes and listen to your mid section beating the beat of a sex stricken drum beat on my breast bone. I want to bend my ass back and watch you thrust forward and praise my slick pussy. I want to wrestle with your wrists, and tie your hands. I want to get on top of you and thrust forward and position a wet me on a harden and bursting pleasurable you. I want to sexually and casually slide off your sex and watch it glisten with my woman made rain drops. Oh yes I am freaky, or shall we say sexually in tuned with my inner goddess of a being. I lick those rain drops off of your sex and began a trail of sensual kisses down the path way I have created in the name of passion. I embrace your sex and watch you twitch and moan. Damn baby……..I like that.

Lesson Forty Eight: Let the hair down….
Loose is never tight. Tight is never crooked. Left may be right, and damnit I don’t doubt anything above and beyond what I generally adhere to, however, there will come a time when all rules are meant to be broken. All which was desired and spoken for is to be addressed and experienced. All passion and intense moments are to be bottled up and continually opened.

What makes your eyes open in the morning?

So it appears as if everyone former friend, lover, midnight call, half way thought, attempt of interest -appears to be coming all forward towards me; and do I even stop and think about why their presence and need to rekindle anything resembling a relationship with me once again? I guess clearing out all of my closets, my go to relationships and my lusty and holding on dreams for him to return to me perhaps opened the flood gates for all to tackle me. I ask myself constantly do I want this occurrence. The changes associated with single life and living, and also, the changes associated with dating and relating with others. No one male focus or interest, but several focuses and interests. Am I built for the many emotions and styles and changes? Or charting my male production in coded words and happenings. Ah, Mr. Monday appeared, now on to a dinner date with Mr. Thursday. Mr. Wednesday and Mr. Saturday are over night specials, and boy that Mr. Friday surely knows how to make a girl swoon. Is this the pattern of ease from a broken mending heart? Is this the basis for the starting up of a relationship? Is this how we pain associate and free think and fall when things get tough and out of hand with life? Hmmm….I dare say that this experience thus far has rekindled my intimate connection with myself and body, however, my mind and heart are definitely not together on this one. In fact I dare say that my thoughts of wreck less abandonment continue to prevail.

Choices…..
On this date and day in my life and world I decided not to put you off any longer. What am I holding on for? Who am I holding on for? Why can’t I just learn to live in the moment and not clock or time anything or anyone for that matter? I will allow you to visit with me. I will allow you to embrace and hold on to me. I will then check with you again and again verifying your presence and the acceptance of my gift. Time well spent and enjoyed and physically expressed is a gift of greater goods and far and above anything anyone can expect. Let’s just say I choose you.

Lesson Forty –Seven Compare and Contrast

Each and every experience and person is different. Who am I to deny the good and bad of you or within? Who am I to deny myself the ability to learn about you, experience you and link with you? I am learning not to allow myself to stay stagnant. Stagnant in life and in love. Love can be a daily experience or it can turn into a life time experience, however, learning to live freely and openly and challenge myself on a daily and loving path on this thing called life will only set me free. Let me go.

Yes! I know this

So many changes have occured in a span of two weeks time. I have realized that you are never going to accept fate, and I can no longer be your divine interceptor of reasoning. I have also learned the importance of appreciating the ability to pack and get away, however, at what cost and circumstances? During my exit I realized two things; never allow someone (male or female) to treat you less then expected. If your expectations are running high, and you are looking forward to something and it goes as unplanned and stressful as ever, learn your lesson and move right along. The second lesson learned is accepting physical attraction only. I can not move or stir you into a romantic someone. I can not even get you from being so boring and tight, As hard as that must be to express and explain to someone, I know deep down inside nothing will improve or change things (you) from being you. Only change will occur is when I move forward and walk right out of your life. At this rate that is the best laid plans.

So finally I am accepting the fact that life may not present that one and only assumed perfect person for me. Life may even shuffle my deck of mate cards and present not even a suitable suitor, but an entertaining expereince. Coming to terms with changes and differences that life makes isnt so bad, and at the same time it can have some down sides and moot points to it, however, there is nothing wrong with living life to the fullest and enjoying each and every experience presented. I am a steadfast believer that each experience begets a wealth of knowledge. This knowledge soon soaks into your mind, body and spirit and soul and allows you to mature and continue to journey to self perfection. So with that being said I am not mad or down trodden at all. I am blessed and pleased to know that for every chapter finished, another chapter is getting written and lived.

Opening the doors and looking forward.......

So life doesnt seem so scary after all. Actually life is presenting itself in new lights. I am seeing a different me. I am a bit afraid of transition, but at the end of the day and the end of my life time I know these moments are needed and necessary. So I look forward to the experiences. I look forward to the newness in my life time. I am actually pushing those closed off buttons more now than ever before. I am tempting and testing fate and holding everything and anyone with a pulse with the highest regards. No longer streaming for perfection, but streaming for intelligence, comfort and companionship. I can no longer say I need and want if I in actuality am not able and willing to recieve. If I even sense a hint of disappointment or stale air within you, I shall walk away. My fear of hurting others and wondering about their innermost secrets and depths of their souls is not as impressive or needed information as once before. I question my existence, my motivations, my most inner deep and darks secrets. I am no longer worried about you or whats going on with you. This is not saying that I have no cares within or of and about the world, its just laying out the foundations of putting myself first and foremost. I can not prevent hurt or even broken relationships, but I can continue to build on and upon me. Should you serve a purpose in my life, I welcome you and thank you, but kindly move out of my way!

Lesson Forty Six: I did it on em
My fear of maturing into the woman I am becoming appears to be with the idea of power and self empowerment. Who could contain and for that matter control me? When I use to say the word control, I felt that it was such a strong word that had so many different negative connotations to it, however, I sat down and realized that I dont need anyone but myself to contour and control me. I am looking forward to the compliments and side by side security that others may provide in my life, but I am not straining or stressing away from a powerfully capable and stable me. I am the woman I was born to be. Amen!

Leap of faith, loins of fire……..

I needed you. I needed to feel alive again. I needed to connect to someone other than HIM. I needed to feel that I was truly at one with someone. I needed to have you embrace my body like it’s never been embraced before. I needed this time and experience to push me from the sexually self imposed life doldrums. As I kissed you passionately, caressed your body, loved on your body like never before, I hope you know you saved me. Salvaged a jaded heart from the ashes of loves fire storms. I felt as if I was a gift to you, but in essence you were a pleasing, appealing and amazing life line and package for me. You allowed me to physically see the amazement in my heart, my mind and body. I felt as if I was candy to your sweet tooth. I felt as if the night would never end. I climaxed so hard I erased all the memories and negative moments and feelings of others from my mind and blackened heart. You saved me…….I thank you.

Lesson Forty Five: Say Hello…..Say Good Bye and Thank You.
So you closed this chapter. You let it be known that you can’t and will not make yourself available to me on all levels. You easily eased into a story questioning your maturity and your ability to be deserving of me. If I truly gave a shit I would fall for those bull shit lines, however, I released you. As many times as I allowed myself to let go of you, all of the thoughts and feelings I have grown accustomed to visualizing of and about you all vanished into thin air. I cried for myself. I cried simply because I was officially allowing the feelings to settle and be acknowledged. So I awake not passion stricken or heart sick, but free. Free to love and experience again. I held onto you and your life and experiences for too long. My connections with people ceased to develop further into anything of sustenance, because I was so fixated and focused on you. A lot of living ceased. Stress, wondering states and emotional dependence all were the results of continued connections and my ties with you………..There is a lot of living to do……and its starts now.

So you really want to take me there……..

You really want me to fall all over you? You really want me to stumble and fall and trip ever so easily over the lingering feelings of and about you? You really have my mind going. At times I wonder how my mind and heart continues to linger on you. How endless nights I think of and dream about you. I want you so badly to the point of exhaustion. I am tired of these nights. I am reckless in my dreams and thoughts of you. I am uninhibited to the point of no return. I am willing to attempt to try for you, and with you. My best attempts will be spent on you……..So I awake and find myself wiping the sweat off my face. I slide my legs from my covers and place both feet on the floor. I stare up at the ceiling and say “Ah another night without you”, So I stand up and walk towards to my bathroom and rinse my face and towel dry my lost night of passion and simply being enchanted and embraced by you.
Revelations……
Are you telling me something? Are you really telling me something? This most recent conversation revealed to me several factors and things about you. For one you are holding on to some fear. A fear so strong it paralyzes you. This fear prevents you from furthering yourself in developing any form of personable relationships. I question a lot. Often I am guessing what’s going with you and me. I feel as if I am in the midst of your break through, but you slowly take away from our moment. Yes OUR moment. Endless writes and rewrites of everything that is going on with us. Yes US. Second guessing and gripping closely to the uncertain…….leaves me gasping for an answer. I want you to just say it. Just express IT! It IS WHAT HOLDS ME TO YOU. IT HAS BECOME THE UNKNOWN TO AND FOR ME. It has taken on an entirely new persona than ever before. It has more meaning………So will you?.....I wait? Do I?

Times like these….
In reality I am sitting hearing allowing my mind and thoughts to run wild. I am entertaining the idea of you starting to come out of yourself enclosed shell. The trance of hurt and life’s dislikes in regards to dating and relating effects you so much to the extent of denying the obvious. So as we talked and talked, there was not one point where things became awkwardly quiet. There was not one point or dip in the conversation. The tempo of our talk was sweet and long awaited. I feel happy and satisfied speaking to and with you. I realized that I must say what I want and feel at times needs to be stated. However, I am not going to reveal my love for you just yet. I am awaiting your acceptance that you deserve someone to care for you. Someone to like and eventually fall in love with you. It would take this one day and instance for you to realize that there is someone to love you. I realized that a long time ago. Although I crush on, like/to love you, I know deep down that I am an amazing someone who is deserving of incredible love. I honor and hold thee!

Lesson Forty Four: To wait….. I can’t make you love me….
I can’t pressure you, for I know eventually it will come just as clear to you. I can only hope for continued days and experiences that inspire my passion for writing. For each moment experienced and expressed I cherish all.

I can't...I just...I can't..........

A stir of past and presents echo’s. I am drawn to you like a magnet, however, I am not as disillusioned as once assumed and at times once believed. I have no idea how you can be such a narcotic for me, when I don’t see you anymore. I long to get rid of your image and imprint on and inside of me, but I just can’t and don’t want to let go. Even though I am not a priority, I am not entirely forgotten to you. I have no idea in regards to relationships what is best expected first or second place to an almost mute figment of my romantic imagination?

Hormonal or plain horny?
The feelings of being caressed touched in all of your prone spots of instant arousal; to sloppy and sexy kisses to be taken and stolen. Sitting aside, on top, in front and next to you is all I think about. It’s gotten to the point of accidental celibacy. Accidental in regards to my sex drive being limited and even nonexistent. I personally deem myself a sexually inquisitive and rambunctious character at times, when engaged actively in a suiting relationship or actively pursuing or dating interests; I am more prone to a well kept and maintained sex life, but at this moment I decline even entertaining a night call. A night call consists of someone identified as you’re after hour lover, someone you can kiss and be passionate with, but only for the wee hours of the night. The experience never lingers into a second or third day, or should it go that route the experience is met by almost a binding verbal contract to keep the friendship and not allow emotions and feelings or expectations to overwhelm you. My after hour lover days appears to be dim. I did however, entertain a former after hour lover and friend, which resulted in a couch and movie night. The feelings of “turn me over and forget everything” came and gone as soon as they were felt and experienced. I again questioned myself and my motivations. Did I want to be turned out, bent down, legs around, face sweating, back grounding……..OH? It occurred to me then and there that I wanted more. I wanted more than a casual night fling, as consistent and at times reliable as it could have been I wanted more. I wanted you. I never stopped thinking of and about you. I wanted to smell inside your side, close to your neck and ear. Kiss your spoiled days cologne and love you. I wanted to you. So now I say to myself am I neglecting myself by holding out for what never might be or occur again? This has been the longest separation. This also has been the most pushed off, put off and just plain frustrating one ever experienced before, but why? Why do I care or subject myself to caring? These questions continue to echo in and out of my psyche each and every moment in passing……..

Lesson Forty Three: You are what you are player?
Natural occurrences, projected time frames, social standards and biologically and romantically speaking stopped clocks and all…….the time of casualness has taken a new moment of interest with me? Is it for me? Simply stated, but hardly seen through? Is it for me? Day in and out it’s a question that centers my mind. I alone appear to be the norm…..is it me? Embrace the unbalance. As weird as that may sound and seem, being unbalanced is what will get you through these moments. At times things are not to be corrected, for they are still in the process of starting. Patience, faith and focus.

Rear View Mirror

Relationships are extremely delicate and fragile. The constant change and transitions are mind boggling, and at times a whirl wind on the mind and heart. My Sunday morning comes from thinking of and about you. I want you more and more. I am going above and beyond to get just a little more from you. The little more will never be enough to satisfy me, but it’s just enough to hold me. I don’t want to be held, I want to be cradled by you. I desire for you, and wish on to you to come to me. Take me away from my dreamed filled nights of no passions, or assumed passions from another that are lack luster and leave me cold inside and outside. I continue to ask myself why you, and why am I feeling so much towards you and for you? You showed me some things about yourself that reeled me in from day one. You opened your arms and embraced me whole. I never felt so safe and secure. Your height to my height was enough to make me cradle my head to your chest and know that everything will be well. You gave me a sense of false hope and sense of a tomorrow. The tomorrow that never came, and the today that leaves me writing these notations……….

When in doubt you look forward, backwards and sometimes sideways?

So in my time of need and down moments whom do I turn to? Where do I place my hat and night coat? Who do I give all of my energy, love and want to? Is this rebound or drown time for me? As I continue to frequent my thoughts I know that you appear to consume my mind and hearts imagination. I truly care and have distinct and strong feelings for you, but I know I must let you go…..So I open the back door and see who awaits me. Short tempered, annoyed and at times disgusted, but I deal with you because you are dealing with me. I should be nice and care for the time you spend and value with me, but I really could care less for or about you. As harsh as that sounds, and seems to be its true. My mind and heart is elsewhere……..So I go sideways and allow my fantasies to erode to the surfaces. I allow myself to embrace the feminine sex and experiences of life. Knowing that this is something fleeting and exceptionally exquisite and intimate and temporary at best. Not considering or counting on my lovers feelings. Not caring or valuing how she feels, why? Because all I want to do and see and be with comes right back to you. So as soon as I opened the side door I closed and locked it back. So I am left looking straight ahead, and your figure looms ahead. You're tall, dark, solid and soft body torments and amazes me. Your dimples and smiles appeases me. Your sing-song-accent and “ay yo” thrills me. I am so turned on. Again I am left in awe, amazement and simply stated I am wet………Damn you always take me there. You always bring me back. Damn…..YOU.

Lesson Forty One: Should I?
Is it possible to render someone out of your life and heart, and then rope them right on back in? Well this stallion is appealing and interesting enough for me to break free. Free from restraints, free from settling for just is and convenient. Free also is costly. My mind and heart are of one with you, but two with me. Should I? I just may…….