Rear View Mirror

Relationships are extremely delicate and fragile. The constant change and transitions are mind boggling, and at times a whirl wind on the mind and heart. My Sunday morning comes from thinking of and about you. I want you more and more. I am going above and beyond to get just a little more from you. The little more will never be enough to satisfy me, but it’s just enough to hold me. I don’t want to be held, I want to be cradled by you. I desire for you, and wish on to you to come to me. Take me away from my dreamed filled nights of no passions, or assumed passions from another that are lack luster and leave me cold inside and outside. I continue to ask myself why you, and why am I feeling so much towards you and for you? You showed me some things about yourself that reeled me in from day one. You opened your arms and embraced me whole. I never felt so safe and secure. Your height to my height was enough to make me cradle my head to your chest and know that everything will be well. You gave me a sense of false hope and sense of a tomorrow. The tomorrow that never came, and the today that leaves me writing these notations……….

When in doubt you look forward, backwards and sometimes sideways?

So in my time of need and down moments whom do I turn to? Where do I place my hat and night coat? Who do I give all of my energy, love and want to? Is this rebound or drown time for me? As I continue to frequent my thoughts I know that you appear to consume my mind and hearts imagination. I truly care and have distinct and strong feelings for you, but I know I must let you go…..So I open the back door and see who awaits me. Short tempered, annoyed and at times disgusted, but I deal with you because you are dealing with me. I should be nice and care for the time you spend and value with me, but I really could care less for or about you. As harsh as that sounds, and seems to be its true. My mind and heart is elsewhere……..So I go sideways and allow my fantasies to erode to the surfaces. I allow myself to embrace the feminine sex and experiences of life. Knowing that this is something fleeting and exceptionally exquisite and intimate and temporary at best. Not considering or counting on my lovers feelings. Not caring or valuing how she feels, why? Because all I want to do and see and be with comes right back to you. So as soon as I opened the side door I closed and locked it back. So I am left looking straight ahead, and your figure looms ahead. You're tall, dark, solid and soft body torments and amazes me. Your dimples and smiles appeases me. Your sing-song-accent and “ay yo” thrills me. I am so turned on. Again I am left in awe, amazement and simply stated I am wet………Damn you always take me there. You always bring me back. Damn…..YOU.

Lesson Forty One: Should I?
Is it possible to render someone out of your life and heart, and then rope them right on back in? Well this stallion is appealing and interesting enough for me to break free. Free from restraints, free from settling for just is and convenient. Free also is costly. My mind and heart are of one with you, but two with me. Should I? I just may…….


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