The maintenance of self and the restraint within the levels of love.

His smile is engaging and his personality and instant aura compels me to deepen the conversation wanting to hear just a little more from him. Instantly attracted to him my smile deepens with just knowing this intricate detail that I will hold only to myself. I will not reveal to him my level of interest, because I am not entirely sure where this relationship will be heading, but what I do know is that at this very moment in time I am allowing myself to experience the instant lusty rush of interest that's being entertained with the potential and possibility of the what if's scenarios that's ringing all throughout my head. I allow myself to bask in the interest and overt physical attraction addressing each individual need, passion and desire I want of him...


I'm laughing to myself as I write this. The fear of going over the edge with interest never came over me, prior behaviors, reactions and responses to stimulations of such didn't even phase me. I actually opened my eyes to acknowledging the want, need and desire and letting it flow freely away from me as soon as it arrived. The lesson I am teaching myself is a lesson of learning to dig deeper within for my inner will and strength and also to not make any assumptions on people.

Where's the integrity in self denial?


Well I can go on past experience and say that I have been afforded relationships that have failed me when I initially reached for them and sought them out without a direction I was left suffocating. SO now I am learning to absolutely love and live in kindness and with compassion and to simply meet a person where they are in their lives and make no expectations of them and our relationship. I am not contouring the experience or denying the passion, but I am not making long term goals on a short term love level or night for that matter.

So as to say this...He holds my interest but not entirely. He has reminded me of the familiarity of laughter and shared companionship that can be experienced between males and females without being exclusively confined to a hotel room. He has allowed me to see him for what he is as a male whose single with a situational love life that's more or less settled on me. For what I am looking to attract and want to align in my life I am deserving of full time passionate affair of the heart. I desire coffee dates, appetizers and wine talk sessions, I desire more than a general text message and limited calls here and there. I no longer will request or seek your response because you simply aren't a priority for me and I must place myself and interests back into higher standing once again.


So I am saying to myself and you (YES YOU) you are serving a short term purpose without long term fulfillment. I can know honor the most truest statement within.

I say Thank You Universe. I say Thank You please continue to guide me and work through my most loved and lovers ways.

Goodbye, Hello: Dedicating this to the one I loved

 This was the year 2018 whereas I had love for you. This was he year  of 2018's life when I would have absolutely done anything to maintain our oneness and "love" so I thought. There was a moment in time when my dreams revolved around the combination of me and you and our betterment and long term, but the reality of this dream cast me solidly on the harden ground and flat on my face. My head ached, my belly hurt and my eyes could no longer control the flow of tears that has trailed my cheeks for the past few months. I was no longer in recognition of me and who I had become and as I slowly looked into the mirror I struggled to regain my composure and move right along initially. It was until I realized that my image that was before me daily cast in it's deepest shadows was never going to be me. My hurt was deep and pained me so, but it was the initial bruise that had cast itself upon me, and would be temporary and passing for sure the more I realized that we was never meant to be, we was an experience and nothing more. I no longer gave my hurt energy, I no longer supported our failed relationship nor acknowledged it as it ended.



Change has come...

Have no fear in living the absolute best life experience for yourself. There will be a time in your amazing experience that you will have to make some deep incisions and when you open yourself up to a spiritual cut the depth of reveal will be mind blowing. You will realize that he never took the time to understand you or compliment your soul. He was afraid of your growth and the spirit that was awakened and rising within you. Your amazing experiences and approach towards life was never respected nor understood by him because he never lived as you lived and loved as you love. SO in defense of your ambitious heart, just know that for each experience a lesson plan was derived and within this lesson plan you was able to cross off a few happenings that you nor longer called mistakes but life hiccups that you have formally made amends with and healed.

You're glorious in your depth of self, dive honey dive!

Within my battle I saw the Olive Branch: I do-

The bravery in love comes from it's deepest and darkened corner of life. What I am seeing within myself is a love that has no bounds, a love that is desired for and sought after it's most weakened state. The mind is in a state of suspended love when it's conflicted, and within it's animation its absolute resolve permeates in my soul.
Past patterns of dealing with discomfort within love was a simple testament as to how to go about the newly formed pang of the heart. However, my former lessons to heal didn't necessarily work for me. I was neither eager to seek the affection and attention of another lusting soul, nor was I entirely enticed to throw myself entirely into the game of love!
My healing came from expanding my mind and restoring my balance in a meditative state and through the movement and motion of yoga poses. Within my deepest stretch I realized my love was like no other for him. My love was simply in a bind that needed to unravel naturally, and with each one of us pulling the intertwined cords slowly but surely into a eased state. So we meet again...
Through the stages of apology and recounting the steps to a lovers imperfections I have come across the waxing and wane of a developing relationship in the stages of love.
It's never been easy to realize the work one must do daily when encountering the breakthrough of a rediscovered love with another, but knowing that it all has placement within my life's theme, and that this love is one for the books leads me not to stray.

Of all the times of having turned my back on relationships from the overall fear of being hurt first, I assumed my initial reaction would be so, and I did clam up immediately and want to absolutely dissolve anything that reminded me of the former love, but at this point I no longer want to dissolve a broken compromise in it's entirety. I simply allow it to well up to it's highest peak and slowly seep into a comforted state whereas clearer minds prevail. There is always a lesson in times of strife and discomfort, and well I am absolutely learning. Not to linger on hurt and harsh feelings, and to allow many forms of communication to become key and represent the state of my conversation.
I said thank you to the universe for the lessons, and I have arrived at the point of reminder that there is so much in life to be lived rather than to linger on the stings of love, and when I release the pangs of discomfort I too release the hold it has held over me.

I can not predict the future of this separation, but I can honestly say the love has neither left, nor has the emotional connective tie, but what has been granted to me is the ability to allow myself to have no regrets and to heal openly and honestly because love comes in so many waves and I am an open honest heart who loves deeply, and so I never fear the hearts war!

Lips licked: Babe

I want no held hands, no locked stares or connective caresses that beg for you to question me anymore. I don't want gentle kisses, I want my lips to be broken into, as your thieving tongue becomes the knife to my aching legs that slowly begin to part. I want you inside of me. I.WANT.YOU.INSIDE.OF.ME....I can't control the emotions that have left my thoughts and wavered all the way down the middle of my body as intense lust and deepened emotions drain even more to pool between my already dampened thighs...Laying my head all the way back and allowing you to center yourself in the midst and middle of me as we become a uniformed movement of ever so deepened thrusts.

He is more than extended months clipping a year. He has become a valued person within my life, which equals our shared time. The differences that have mounted next to us individually have not overwhelmed us, and for that I have become humble and super appreciative of you and me and our time together as we grow in strength in mind and a deepened lovers heart. My admiration for you continues to increase as we share our dreams in the whispers of our passionate nights.

I no longer say your given name because "babe" only rings to my mind when I see and speak of you and to you. I am so thankful and pleased to continue to share in your world, and as I recall a combination of our shared passionate nights I can't help but feel you deep inside of me....my heart is beating and my head is spinning. Rooms no longer serve their purposes within our homes because we grant them many other news names...

'

It has always been you: The Fact Is I Need You

The emotional ties that I have with you has reached it's the upper echelon of no turning back, and in knowing this aspect of the connective ties that we share; just yesterday everything was put in perspective for me. I take nothing for granted and even in the midst of lost translation as we communicate strifes and difficulties the reality of this situation has reaffirmed my admiration and continued love for you.

It's my yearning to perfect this newly shared experience on life, and love and everything in between. I have always held an interest in the mythical maintained relationship via main stream outlet examples; but yet I did not have the opportunity to truly grow in the midst of a marked and expected relationship. I continued to dream independently in hopes that one day I would meet my significant other and know exactly what to do when he arrived, but yet everything I am doing and saying has come with strife and at times not a sense of mass appeal, but misunderstanding and misrepresentation; and well that has dented my ego of knowing it all and knowing whats best for me and my relationship to be had.

The hardest thing ever to listen to in life is a conversation from a point of pained love, and when two people of strong belief sets and self interests to make their points valued and known it was even harder to see the dominos of love collapsing, but yet there was something to come from this pained place in life.

I learned love will never leave us, it can have us impaled or in a stunted state of hurt and disbelief, but it is not within our best intentions to hurt one another, but yet to understand one another and in the midst of tangled emotions the lines of communications can become frayed, and so, time and space and a distant heart can be healed by simply declining to further promote the damage, but realize that we all make mistakes and our love and connective bond is deeper then the misunderstanding and that we matter the most on this uncharted life of love and gratitude that we are living within.

  If it is all within a name, then your name resounded deeply within me and continues to leave an imprint on me. My love for you continues to grow Tobias and it will never falter, my hopes and dreams are inclusive of you and with you and to continue to experience this world we are sharing and developing in unison, and so I say Thank You.

It's YOU!

I still haven't given up on dating and relating and ideally finding the life match for me. I have come across a few that have left impressions on my heart to having someone who dipped briefly into my heart, but yet he was too shallow and weak for my love. It has literally become it's not me it's a you type situation, and oddly the annoyance bells aren't ringing in my ears just yet. I had my misty eyed moment, a big glass of merlot and a music rotation that will master all emotions that are in question...and I have come out OK and stronger than before and realizing that I am everything that I would want and need and that I am enough and in no need for anyones addition into my life if they are coming with dead weight and toxicity.

We are not alive to be annoyed, bickering or belittling one another because we are inept and inebriated at the moment. The reality of this situation is when you trust your emotional curves, and you allow all logic to hit the road and your feet become wet by the road to passion clothed as love everything hits the wall; and so when it's suddenly all over and the rug that was ripped from beneath my solid footing has whisked me into the air in a suspended animation, I have major life choices to make. Either I can come crashing down on the cemented pavement and break everything within my body and continued having my heart shattered, or I can prepare for the impact, shield my heart and body from the impact, collapse into a roll for my landing and get back up and resume life and normalcy as I dust everything that I had previously experienced off and breathe in a hefty breath of knowingness that everything will be ok. I choose the impacted fall with the planned roll and dust off!

I asked myself why did he come into my life? He appeared to be someone I assumed could grow to become that someONE for me; however, he has literally disappointed me and yet I continued to want to be understanding and learn to deal with yet another undeveloped and jaded heart and soul, but this time I am checking within myself and asking what is the lesson here in this experience? I have yet to discover the answer, so Im letting it GO...

I am taking my time yet again, but I am not allowing these attempts at the heart to disappoint me. I have realized that I am actually ready to continue to push myself and my adventure seeing moments forward, rather than hibernate in a state of suspended assumed loving animation.

I however will not stop giving the most and continue to hold no expectations, because I AM!

I welcome his loving embrace. I welcome his unconditioned love. I dare give my day and nights to him. The love created liberated me. The love resolved within my heart has settled deeply into my soul, affording me comfort in my new role within our lives. I have adjusted to the sways of a best friend, a lover, a caretaker and home maker in preparation of furtherance of us. I delved into the recess of my heart and invoked forgiven passion befallen on me. I no longer looked at my past as betrayal ridden and stolen moments of misrepresented passion.

There was always hope. My now was never a figment of my imagination. I have triumphed over dreams that made no sense to me until now. I am stepping forward and daring to dream. I believe that our connection and roles in one another lives was meant to be, and so I am being. I am existing. We are living and cultivating our distinct lives in unison. We no longer fear or doubt others, we embrace our roles and willingly walk towards our destinations arms extended, hands clasped and with love.

I thank you.

For my now has never felt so amazing and so real and right on time as it does now. My now has opened before me and has centered me and I am so ready to receive it. There is nothing that love hasn't healed within me. I walk with my eyes closed knowing that I am guided to everything I need and am needed for.

My soul has centered and found my twin flame. The lover that has centered me, guided me to visualize my feminine beauty and aspects on renewing and creating life. My lover has invoked the marital spirit within me; the spirit that journeys with her husband through his trials and tribulations, encourages his success and hugs him within defeat. My lover has enclosed me in a protective embrace, calming any fears and unwelcome ones into our lovers bubble. My lover has saved me and renewed my faith in the human spirit and connection of this thing called life.

I thank you.