In an Image I had IT ALL: Capturing the Essence of it

There is absolutely nothing wrong with soliciting a memory or recapturing a thought of someone through a picture. It was in that still photo that I received everything I needed to know about you, and about me in that moment. I entirely believe in the theory of capturing an essence and emotion all within a photo. 

A recent picture has held not only my attention, but it has set precedence within my heart and mind which has allowed me to further my memory and want to expand on this image. The imagery itself is innocent as it was captured, but the content happiness not easily disguised by the newness of that moment spoke volumes within me.

The energy exchange of that moment was real and it existed. The connection was undeniable and the ease that I had experienced allowed me to emotionally eat that moment up, and as I chewed on the happiness and my heart was delighted and my mind expanding the instant romantic in me entirely took over, but as it took over I was in need of an immediate bring me back to my centered self and calm the emotions down.

This self discovery has led me to believe that when you have grown through out the years emotionally starved for that connective force, a force which comforted and complimented you, you soon began to realize that any form that resembled a slight grasp of emotional attention and affection was immediately zoned in on and manifested in my actions, but through the years of struggling to find that mutual affection and attention that I desired for I realized that suffocating something you assumed could possibly be your everything, for fear of wanting to take your time and get to know it and the possibility of it was within my control and something I assumed was the way of a love starved romantic.

I currently am looking at that picture and I am allowing the memory to flood throughout me, but I am not allowing the memory to overwhelm me or allow me to make poor emotional decisions and choices that leave my aching and ailing heart out to dry. 

So I captured your image and I personalized why it matters and means so much to me, but I am allowing your image to float away not in haste or distaste, but a positive reflective release of an image of happiness and mutual interest captured and for however long the interest may last I will always have that memory.

Maktub!

Finding my personal passion and inner dreams is what is driving me to the midst of searching for that infinite satisfaction. I am literally compelled to suffocate anything that reminds me of happiness and joy. Finding the calm and the compassion when showing interest is something that doesn't grace me, but yet it's something that I must learn.

I believe the one area in my life that was lacking of attention was my intensive romance sector, it's not as if I didn't visit this life point, I just never took the time to work within it allowing it to grow and develop into an area to be reckoned and fulfilled with.

It's an almost naiveté of sorts, because although I recognize disinterest, and definite differences with the opposite sex, I then don't counter these omens with the reality of the situation. Perhaps if I named a thing a thing and called lust or basic physical beauty interests only as so, then perhaps I could spare my emotional set and heart a broken heart string.

So how does one reveal their endless emotional self and most deepest beating heart and heart felts moments they wish to impress upon their significant other? How does one captivate the undulated attention of their significant other without resorting to being identified as creepy and a weirdo, and lastly, when knowing the time is right and the moment has presented itself...how does one receive the most highest and desired for and sought after love?

All of these questions run rampant within my mind and stain my heart and soul. 

17 more days...

  

When there is no absolute pull to any longer exist in a sheltered state of discomfort. When you awake in the morning and look up at the ceiling for the endless time and know that your ceiling looks almost foreign to you, then you now know that life has passed you right on by with or without your approval.

As I am seeing it...life has caught up to me. What was once accepted as a standard for limited interaction of mediocre declarations of interest has flamed fanned away. My attention to detail span has increased, my need for exact definitions and meanings of your thought to reaction to expected outcome to realistic outcome is centering to me. 

No longer do I fantasize about the what if's, I no longer await a shadowed illusion of the what if, and the expected outcome is no longer devised from my thought to expectation, but spoken truthfully from you.

Perhaps the year coming to the end has a major role in my heart of hearts finally putting its love stained foot down. Perhaps my level of happiness has increased ten fold and I no longer gravitate towards anything or anyone. 

The amount of attention one will derive life from is the amount of attention that becomes pleasing and welcomed and a sense of wonderment for most. The days of partially accepting a mass appeal and honoring of a soul union has dissolved. The importance of the experience, whatever it may be within anyone's eyes is invaluable.

17 more days to the start of 2015 the new ideals are now the reasons for living life fully, completely and unconditionally as me. 

I welcome this transition: Getting a head start on what makes an ailing heart whole

A testament to a missed step within the daily walk of life is when you value a soured experience for the life lesson and message afforded to you. What at one time puzzled you, no longer complicates you, and where there was a definite life fog occurring at one time there no longer exists the grayish haze when you have cleared your mind and heart.

A misstep that once could crush me no longer held power over me, actually I think about this recent incident as a life hiccup. Unexpectedly recurring with an exact cure that needed to be executed at once for unexpected maintenance. 

Well, I have found my cure and I have dug deep within to realize that everyone can simply pay you attention, compliment your daily habits and life interactions within them, however, not everyone values the essence of a divine interaction with someones spirit. Not everyone can understand the unique beauty of something they can't physically see or touch, but can be valued through other outwardly and inwardly bodily attributes. 

I take ownership in any confusing and undecided role I have engaged in, better yet I denounce it all together, LOL. I have decided to value each experience from a compassionate and mutual invested and interested stance. 

The days of one sided ideals, unmatched journeys and non value towards the betterment of yourself and significant other will not be acknowledge. 

As I walk forward I stand my ground of future betterment and a shared life experience.

Stunted-

I wonder about the state of affairs of the human heart, so jaded by the greed of others that one can become emotionally smothered with disappointment. 

Looking at still pictures and allowing each photograph to tell a detailed story is something the mind easily jumps at, especially if it is the story of a former lover as they have easily transitioned your experience with them out of memory to then place their newly interest as easily and openly as ever before. 

What comes into question is my own judgement and the validation of my heart above all and the experiences my heart decides to take on or easily rule out and forget. I can't help but wonder why my love was never enough to be claimed by their love, but yet to watch them smoothly transition into a newly assigned love, and have left me far and behind I can't help but remain in a stunted stance.

There comes into question many life doubts and questions to mind, but at the end of the day what has to be understood and recognized is that everyone is allowed their own motivation and as to why this particular life happening occurred and ended as so, and knowing this is the hardest piece ever.

So, I can sit uncomfortably in my feelings or I can choose to move along and move on with my love just as my past love interest did. With no ill feelings towards their eased movement, but a sense of peace towards the connective tie that needed to be cut.

Snip. 

Snip.

Arrhythmia of Sorts: No Regrets!

Perhaps it's my rain stained window pane, or the cold air that brushes my hair past my eyes or the deep and calming breaths I must take in order to relax and not think about the worst of the thoughts that have crossed my mind. 

Within a day there is so much contact and interaction taking place that even the smallest upset and discomfort can cause a shit storm or emotions and we all know that sitting in on those feelings and not facing them are the safest and best bet as we know it, but then again within each moment of emotional upset experienced there is always a lesson to be learned.

Proving yourself to the one you like can take a nose dive instantly when you aren't exactly sure as to why you are in need for anyone else's approval beyond your very own? Everything you gather and build upon in life should not be stamped out simply because a little emotional love loss is holding you heart in whim. 

I think back to the times when control was a wonderful thing to have and a sense of balance and sustainability was all a woman ever needed, but then came someone who captured my mind, but impaled my heart having me literally spin on the hearts axis in such a way that I haven't even secured my emotional balance just yet and I actually wonder when will I ever regain control again?  

This is a first time in a long time that I have felt the down side of love. The feelings of wondering if you meet your makers eyes, and if each text message, exchanged phone contact or slippage of the heart is enough to keep them wanting more. When your self doubt turns into worry and wonderment and when the need to prove your utter heroic feats beyond the normal claims of life simply overwhelms it all. 

Logic was never a best friend, but a wonderful associate to be disguised in the echoes of an arrhythmic heart...

So I am counting my love pangs and wanting to slow the beats down to a wondrous drum that flows with the naturalness of love, life and my own personal pursuit of happiness. I am me because I have grown into this woman whose personal life stance is one to reckon with and determination and ability to live out my best life yet never deterred me from anything and anyone. It is just when you meet and equal match that you begin to question everything about your life and choices in life that could have mattered the most to you or perhaps changed you for the best, but then I realize that each struggle I underwent and each moment that was upsetting in my eyes was nourishing in my mind and blazed a life lesson upon my heart. 

I neither fear or excuse myself from the inner comfort of being unapologetically me...as a friend, a daughter, a sister, a cousin, a future mother, a wife and lover. Within doubt lays reason to disguise and there is no mask fitting enough then your very own reflection and image that stares and stands before you.

The heart spills many truths: A break down of the many facets of emotional depth!

I fear nothing and no one but you...

There is this building block model that I recall being taught about in basic psychology. This model was about building experiences and life sequences from the basics of beginnings and allowing everything to be put together in an almost natural occurrence and within stages. So structured and so easy to develop, but yet this model is currently not suiting even my most basic hearts needs at the moment.

So easy to allow someone you absolutely know you have no chance of building any life blocks with to simply simmer into your world, uninhibited you become and easily impressionable and subject to temporary insanity, but when you start developing a friendship with physical and sexual and mental attraction with an entirely different personality and different person you are normally used to attracting you become lost for words and even lost within your own existence. Temporary insanity experienced again? I plead the 5th...

This journey leads me to believe that your personal life slights and self detracting statements and even lowered self esteem in regards to particularly thorny areas within your life all face center and draw your inner and most immediate attention. It's as if everything you had going for you and life experienced and valued meant all nothing, because he stood before you in his amazing and at times heroic glory brimming from head to toe in an ungodly perfection. 

Holding yourself as your very own savior in the highest esteem and glory, how could someone even come a close second or even topple your momentous stance and self declared stature?

As rhythmic as I have become, my heart continues to beat an arrhythmia of discord and discomfort. I have become subjected to my own criticism and my own inner needs to appear as perfect as ever, but in actuality I am blatantly flawed. The feelings of not being enough, or even not countering your own presence scares me. I am literally unsettled and off balanced and afraid to even be anything resembling myself, because I know longer trust my reactions towards you. 

Yet again, I ask myself why is it that I can date males that lead me astray, play all the games in the world and lie from here to California, but yet when someone whose genuine is faced in front of me I have no idea how to react and interact in my most basic needs and instincts...this is baffling me. Why are you causing this reaction within me, or better you why am I responding to you as such and in a way that continues to plague my mind.

"I know your body better than you do, I might not cum at all, but you do..." ugh the life pangs of an emotional inception of my mind and body and sensual spot and unsure heart. I want to go forward, I want to pull you in and wrap my arms tightly around your waist and allow them to slowly slide to embrace your head bringing you further in. I want to make love to your senses and never let you go. Beginning with that building block tool I never claimed to use, but now I am understanding the need for secular perfection.

Why aren't I allowing you in...How do I reach you and most importantly Do I want this?

Karmatic Ties: The emotional development and funneling of kismet.

I listen because I want to hear you. I listen because it is apart of getting to know you much better, but as I listen am I looking forward to giving of myself verbally?

It’s a stage and it’s a process I continually tell myself. The deeper you garner the experience the more far-gone you go and the more vulnerability becomes exposed within yourself when you begin to give of yourself.

 I still notice that I am holding in, but allowing a little bit of myself to seep through the emotional cracks. The fear of rejection and an unfavored reaction is deeply felt. All I continue to know is that I am simply I, and I must accept the challenges and changes that funnel up from within.

The temptation to be oblivious to what is before me is serious, but what faces me is something that I want to know. It’s with someone that holds my attention and allows me to think about the possibilities of sharing myself and receiving themselves in an exchange of karmatic ties and kismet.

So as this year nears an end within the next two months I have a lot of figuring out to do, firming of my abilities to communicate my emotional needs in an a way that affirms where I am heading to in regards to my love life and my present moment when developing a friendship, open and honest communication and respecting the wave lengths of allowing life to present it’s best self.

So when my waves of doubt start to funnel in I wont react in a way that will prevent me from a calming souls blessing of peace, guidance and the development of something true.

Road Block: A Lover's Twisted Tale of the Journey

No matter how much space you put between yourself and your emotional baggage you then begin to realize that what you never really gotten over or found some closure with will always remain a disruptive something that will taunt your future love objectives.

What I am realizing is that there is so many endings to my most vivid life stories, but yet I am making my most attempt to sort everything out. I have loyalty to my own personal feelings, deeply imbedded in being my main provider and cheerleader and flower child at heart, while retaining a radical and at times determined lover of life and everything in it's most passionate presence stance.

At this time I am thinking that life is so amazing, but yet it has some challenging fits. When you attempt to find placement for some within your lives span and heart everything begins to lose focus and all clarity and vision sustained has ended. All I am left with are my thoughts, my ideas and most basic concepts about love, life and the pursuit of my all. Whatever that may be.

The blockage I am experiencing is based on not really knowing where I stand with someone, and not really wanting to question that stance but then my emotions get the best of me and I outwardly react towards my inner feelings unexpressed. My excuses for not stating anything to him becomes my reasoning as to why we should not be together, and then I start questioning myself. How can someone with no power over my heart, mind and soul have so much say so and entrance into the depths of my inner pathways and knowledge. I easily anger when I don't hear from him, I easily mood swing when there is a delay in message, photo contact or even the simplest receptive form of communication.

If this was anyone else that I had no connective ideas or ties with, or someone I referred to in a casual stance then it would not matter to me. I wouldn't even mind the distance, the non communicative days and empty messages.

The question I am posing to myself is WHY...why are we able to fall into our most unwanted interests, but yet when we desire someone so passionately we are unable to present it to them.

Acting the way I want to feel

To feel your welcoming kiss or the tightened embrace from your arms cinched tightly around my waist as I look directly back at you and then upwards towards the caption-less skies. The limits are never ending and the perks are unlimited.

I am embracing love as never before. So many times I have embraced negative people with their negative feelings and emotionally draining and gut wrenching lives, but yet my life never even mirrored their very own nightmares, but I was soon quickly captured in an unplanned reckless dream. So as easily as I practiced melancholy or silently slipped into the emotional vacuums of others, the forgotten idea of creating my own destiny and living my best life yet was placed on hold.

As I allowed my emotional being to be challenged and even simply pressed open by the impressions of others, the dream of simply existing in this chaotic world was being smothered, until the saying "Act the way I want to feel" literally swept me away and challenged my very own essence.

Love is what guided us

Love is what we always need

Love will set the chained souls free

Love will be love when unloved

Love is the highest Love

So when I surrounded myself by positive thoughts and feelings I slowly embarked on freeing my emotionally frayed soul. I was dented and maybe even bruised, but love allowed me to act in a way that bought it full circle and back to me. Love eased any pain, doubt and frustrations and the ability to see a challenge as a life plan and a lesson afforded me clearer vision, controlled responses and a calmness like no other.

So in acting the way I want to feel I will say I am going to be acting responsibly. I am going to be acting deeply and passionately and ever present as before. I am going to act as if this moment was the only time we had to spend, so I would value and utilize each second wisely. Im going to be acting as deserving of the romance, passion and love befitting of a soul mate wishing to reconnect with her destined and to be desired for other. I am going to act as if words don't hurt and cut so deeply, a chink in the armor...sure...but a life crumbling and world straddling moment...NOPE!

                             Mission love and being responsible for acting the way I want to feel.

The Lover in ME

Take over...absolutely an endless tour of all the available love muscle values in the name of L.O.V.E

This emotion is neither too easy nor distinct to be defined by just a simple relationship experience, a lusty happening or a budding romance.

To date there have been many emotions associated with my heart and how it's receiving and at times reviving it's interest with significant or potential other(s)...there is not one feeling that can define each experience and with knowing this my heart remains on the go for it has not found anyone that is allowing a set emotion to distinctively develop.

There is beauty in holding back and not being emotionally available or receptive to just any appearance of genuine interest. A clouded mind is the worst possible situation to have. The inability to mingle and mix experiences, and also, compare and contrast the emotions who's and who has not struck a cord within you...well all of this would not be possible when the mind is under singular focus.

Taking a step back and accepting the fact that everyone who enters your circle is neither an instant or long term hit, and that the beauty in balancing and viewing everyone who presents themselves to you is a unique aspect and tribute to your belief that eventually there will be that one who will make everything previous and presently a distant factor.

So, I have decided to continue to pace myself and express my interest, but not allowing a speckle of interest to out weigh the long term benefits of a newly found me and you.

Within the Chaos

I want to be dismissive. I want to rely on all the mixed messages and intentional slights and doubts caused by the lover whose best intentions offers me the worse comforting feelings.

I want to hear the heart broken never ending up and mostly downed love fanaticism that exists between the worst of lovers.

Is it within this comfort that my madness simmers? I literally am propelled to chaotic heights suitable for the ultimate love trickster.

But yet this doesn’t soothe me with the endless nights and incredibly vivid dreams. Wine drunken stupors of violent endings, but yet I vilify you just to make due.

I can’t even sink in the darkest of doldrums riddled with hate and disinterest. Even when I attempt to be mischievous my bleeding heart wails for you. I can embrace and entice another, but my mind is only on you.

Why is it when you instantly feign interest with another your world slowly crumbles slowly, ever silently and unbeknown to you.