Opening Doors-

Building Blocks of Life……

So here I am again starting to rediscover me. Times have been fairly tough; however, I have excelled and made it through. I continue to revisit the past experiences, not necessarily out of want, but a desire to know these experiences much better and personally. I have decided that uncovering the pain and raw emotions will allow understanding of patterns and past ways and behaviors to be released, acknowledged and healed. There is nothing I want more than to know where and how I went right and left, and why I chose these paths. I want to know my behavior and embrace it. I am allowing myself to take responsibility for all of my actions. I am allowing myself to further embrace ME! So far I have learned that I have a lot more strength and courage then I previously assumed. I also am more accepting and not overly critical of myself and the choices I have made. Each experience I have received is laid out before me in my journal entries and writings. I am blessed to have the ability to have attention to detail and select memory experiences. So with that being said I am ready to start closing out old emotional charts and revamping and revitalizing new charts.

The build up….

When one door is closed it has always been said another door will magically open. Seemingly I would beg to differ, because I would assume that once a door is closed it becomes bolted shut and there is nothing anyone can do to reopen it. Lately, I have been experiencing a crack of light to these closed doors. I have become intrigued and interested in knowing why this door is starting to open up? Who’s behind these doors, and why the heck they want to revisit the past? Normally I would be very critical and skeptical. I would instantly jump into questioning mode and doubt any and everything someone would say. There would always have to be a reason why (for me) this door must remain closed off. There would always be a reason why things could never resume, and should they resume; why in the heck would I want them to resume? Leaving everything in the past and all….. Well recently my thinking and logic has become clouded. I am actually reviewing the past, and also, expressing an interest in opening these doors up. I am not entertaining upsetting and disconcerting thoughts. I am not allowing negative experiences and present disappointments to weigh heavily on my choices. For once I am free as a bird and allowing the wind to dictate my directions. Open mind…Open Heart….

Lesson Twenty Three: Slowly but surely my train is pulling out of the station!
Many a moons and bitter nights I sat wondering and waiting for life to intervene. Little did I know life was waiting for me to get my act together! Life is an experience and amazement to all who cherish and experience it faithfully. Life is not meant to be wasted on one or sadden points and moments. Life is to be lived and expressed and truly valued! Each day I get strong, the better my affinity and admiration for life and all existing within it.

Like the Phoenix I too have risen-

Hello My Name is…….

So it’s as if you are starting all over and fresh to the world. It’s as if everything that you once knew, no longer is familiar to you. It is as if everything is wiped clean and clear of all. These feeling and many more feelings that would creep up within me, would overwhelm me and drown me in my own personal sorrows. I would then dwell on the past, all the slights and the hurts and go through the many stages of anger to depression. Seemingly, my weekday and weekends would appear to be uneventful and something I was not looking forward to. Conversations with family and friends, would no longer fill the void and hold the interest as once before. A deep void and dread would overcome me……..It seemed as life would never get better, but it did. Life has become an empty canvas. I am painting each day and life lessons into my canvas. Loving life and appreciating my life more. I value my time, and also, each person and experience as never before. No longer am I fixated on just meeting simple needs and ends meet, I am working towards long term successful goals and healthy relationships. For each sad point in my life I say thank you. Thank you for allowing me to be able to see that this point in time was transitional, and it would not dictate my everyday and long term ideals. I thank you for placing each person in my life, be it a good experience or a negative one; for I learned how to take the whole meaning from such experiences. I am stronger now. I see now. I am grateful now. And it does get better!
So with newly found closure and self affirmations and personal confirmations, I am pleased to introduce you to me once again. The woman who loved so hard and so long and never let anyone, slight or burnt memory go no longer resides here. The women who waited patiently with her mate, who never waited for her, never valued her or for that matter cared about her the way she loved him no longer resides here. The woman who waited up at night for you, or stayed up at night with you knowing that I needed to rest and be up for work early in the morning no longer resides here. The woman who waited quietly as ever for you to accept and acknowledge me no longer resides here.
The woman who answers the door now remains open eyes and focused. No longer is her vision clouded and gray. No longer is she looking over her shoulder and waiting in the wind. No longer is she holding her head down from the in’s and out’s of your stresses during her day. No longer is she sacrificing herself, her needs and wants and goals to make your dreams come true. She has faith, determination and the ability to survive the hardest feats and struggles of them all. She has risen like the phoenix from her imposed ashes. Her grave is shallow and she has waded out of it. She breaths fire, and dreams big. Her lifewill revolve around herself, and everything that should matter to her. She will not wilt away. She will open the door and kindly greet you and say “Your time has passed. Move right along”. As she closes the door she yelps in the highest pitched tone ever!!! Knowing that she has succeeded, she has finally captured herself. Her spirit is free…..and meant to soar.

Lesson Twenty Two- I love myself
Tears flowed many of days. However, it never stopped me from acknowledging the learned lesson. The lesson was to look life right in the face and hold her by her hands and say to her “You will be ok, you’re in a rut, but there is a way for us to get out of here”. Guide and guard your life with all of your might. Never allow a moment to pass without thanking each and every experience, and then letting it go. Closure and beginning a new is a start of a bigger and better you!

A calming point.......

When it's all said and done......


Realizing that all the energy I put into wanting to get to know you, and care additionally about you; I soon began realizing that I am wasting time and much needed life air. So when it was all said and done for me, I soon began releasing you from my system. A passion of mine to experience and go through and do, whenever I am stressed out or in a whale of a mood- is my journal writing and reading. Reading takes me to places I have never dared to venture. I am exposed to the circumstances of my author and the characters I choose to inquire about. During this time, I’d say a week, then two weeks and now almost three weeks; I have not engaged in any harmful (lusting after you, calling you or texting you continually) activities. I continually dream about you, touching, tasting and teasing you, but I instantly awake and reality comes into full exposure. So this is what it means and feels like in regards to a physical detox. A cleansing of the body, but a cleansing of the mind and soul. Releasing of old energies and allowing new energies to resurface and breed blooming love and healing within my broken, withered and battered body. Disturbing, but something one must experience, not once, but several times in life and through out life. I tire of this experience, but each experience brings fourth a new learned lesson, which are all valued and if under appreciated, one will be susceptible to continually experiencing such events and happenings until it has been formerly resolved.
So I am in my resolution mode. In this mode I do know what I want and desire out of my life. I do know the type of relationship I am ready for, and the type of relationship experience I would value being in, however, I have not concluded the type of man I want to experience anymore……. This may sound surprising, because when asked “What type of guy are you looking for?” a list would almost immediately come rolling off the tops of our heads, however, I burned many lists and labeled many of wants, and sure as day and night; I never seemed to have gotten anything (descriptions, attributes or the main vitals) just right. I wrote about this fictitious man. A man who was strong, intelligent, taller than me (much taller), calm, cool and collected (yes the classic three c’s), drama free, family oriented, respects women, respects his mother and has an amazing life story coming from nowhere to somewhere, or being so humble to all the gifts given and received. I wrote about this man many years ago, I even wrote our weddings vows and depicted our story. This type of mystery man was the man I seemed to always want to seek and find and achieve (a super star of sorts). I have met many males that have touched this mystery mans characterizations, and many males that falter in comparison to one of the mystery mans characters, however, I have not met anyone who has taken on the role of this man……. So with that being said, I ask myself “What are you really looking for in life? Is it to continually put everyone in their appropriate boxes, or will something or someone actually come to fruition?” I answer myself back “I don’t know anymore”………

So where is the middle and ending……
Always looking forward and attempting to skim and skip everything in between. I want to rush to my fairy tale ending. I want to create, direct and film everything that has encouraged me to this moment, however, reality kicks in and life will continue to throw in many actors vying for that lead role in your life, or even actors attempting to steal your sunshine and leave you blinded by life. So I turn to additional reading and writing for comfort. I sleep on my thoughts, and awake to answers. I journal my theories and causes and I cry. I cry because I am not overly saddened, but I cry because I need that release. So everything is transitioning into a new phase. Everything is defining itself once again. Everything means meaning something yet again. The curtains come up…..show time.


Lesson Twenty One—unleash your passions
Never will I deny my desires, nor myself. Never will I second place my feelings and allow myself to become so enclosed in blind nothingness that I can’t escape. Be it good or bad, each life lesson is a lesson to be experienced and faced.