A calming point.......

When it's all said and done......


Realizing that all the energy I put into wanting to get to know you, and care additionally about you; I soon began realizing that I am wasting time and much needed life air. So when it was all said and done for me, I soon began releasing you from my system. A passion of mine to experience and go through and do, whenever I am stressed out or in a whale of a mood- is my journal writing and reading. Reading takes me to places I have never dared to venture. I am exposed to the circumstances of my author and the characters I choose to inquire about. During this time, I’d say a week, then two weeks and now almost three weeks; I have not engaged in any harmful (lusting after you, calling you or texting you continually) activities. I continually dream about you, touching, tasting and teasing you, but I instantly awake and reality comes into full exposure. So this is what it means and feels like in regards to a physical detox. A cleansing of the body, but a cleansing of the mind and soul. Releasing of old energies and allowing new energies to resurface and breed blooming love and healing within my broken, withered and battered body. Disturbing, but something one must experience, not once, but several times in life and through out life. I tire of this experience, but each experience brings fourth a new learned lesson, which are all valued and if under appreciated, one will be susceptible to continually experiencing such events and happenings until it has been formerly resolved.
So I am in my resolution mode. In this mode I do know what I want and desire out of my life. I do know the type of relationship I am ready for, and the type of relationship experience I would value being in, however, I have not concluded the type of man I want to experience anymore……. This may sound surprising, because when asked “What type of guy are you looking for?” a list would almost immediately come rolling off the tops of our heads, however, I burned many lists and labeled many of wants, and sure as day and night; I never seemed to have gotten anything (descriptions, attributes or the main vitals) just right. I wrote about this fictitious man. A man who was strong, intelligent, taller than me (much taller), calm, cool and collected (yes the classic three c’s), drama free, family oriented, respects women, respects his mother and has an amazing life story coming from nowhere to somewhere, or being so humble to all the gifts given and received. I wrote about this man many years ago, I even wrote our weddings vows and depicted our story. This type of mystery man was the man I seemed to always want to seek and find and achieve (a super star of sorts). I have met many males that have touched this mystery mans characterizations, and many males that falter in comparison to one of the mystery mans characters, however, I have not met anyone who has taken on the role of this man……. So with that being said, I ask myself “What are you really looking for in life? Is it to continually put everyone in their appropriate boxes, or will something or someone actually come to fruition?” I answer myself back “I don’t know anymore”………

So where is the middle and ending……
Always looking forward and attempting to skim and skip everything in between. I want to rush to my fairy tale ending. I want to create, direct and film everything that has encouraged me to this moment, however, reality kicks in and life will continue to throw in many actors vying for that lead role in your life, or even actors attempting to steal your sunshine and leave you blinded by life. So I turn to additional reading and writing for comfort. I sleep on my thoughts, and awake to answers. I journal my theories and causes and I cry. I cry because I am not overly saddened, but I cry because I need that release. So everything is transitioning into a new phase. Everything is defining itself once again. Everything means meaning something yet again. The curtains come up…..show time.


Lesson Twenty One—unleash your passions
Never will I deny my desires, nor myself. Never will I second place my feelings and allow myself to become so enclosed in blind nothingness that I can’t escape. Be it good or bad, each life lesson is a lesson to be experienced and faced.

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