Drawn Out?

Having a cup of coffee with the opposite sex doesn’t grant a relationship. Exchanging personal information about yourself in regards to your individual likes and dislikes and current interests does not solicit the start of romantic talks and your individual yearns for more. Having that first initial date, link up, meet up or whatever safe word you like to use to describe a date or appeal of interest in your opposite sex does not mean anything more than what it is an was; just a date with the opposite sex. The issue at hand is learning how to date with interest and a design on learning as much as possible about your date as you plan on spending and making more time with them. Continually I tell myself to take my time and control my emotional sense and self. One cannot help but look for love in all the wrong places, hoping that each door opened and opportunity knocked could be that illusive jackpot at the end of the rainbow and you might ask yourself “Was there ever a rainbow?” One would never know because you have become a bundle of anxious ridden emotions. So where does this leave and lead me? Nostalgic moments that may resemble the days of assumed love or even at times lust. You become a serial dater of sorts and look for the slightest head nod and winked intentions. Love becomes a common word searched for. You cease it and attempt to hold it hostage. So when looking upon your date and assumed new interest at whatever life point you have reached, you just can’t help but sense for that blissful moment in time when your imagination has beckoned fourth an untold truth of sorts. Call it a life dream, or a drawn out day dream, but whatever you may call it just know that your heart remains in search of and in need of, and until it has obtained and secured what it was looking for you will always remain in the dreaded in between state of appeal and interest. So how can you remain balanced? As impossible and unpredictable as this experience may seem, I find myself wanting to delve a lot deeper into the depths of these emotions and more. I want to learn what triggers my push to want more from these interactions. It seems as if I will continually search for that instant and immediate spark. Love may be illusive, but it’s never ending. As optimistic and hopeful as I will ever be L.O.V.E.

Damn, I felt the CALM

The change of the weather activates the many changes and self-transitions to come to mind. Impulsive, idealistic and dreaming of a bigger and brighter tomorrow, floats above and before me. Is it my time to receive this magical illusion, or will I continue to dream the dream and watch it stay afloat? Being constantly in motion and at times at war with the idea of rest and relaxation, I find myself restless and looking for more. What exactly the additional asset sought after…..I can’t entirely answer and verify as of yet, however, what I can say is that it’s a piece of me that I am learning about. Now the issue at hand is working with this restless energy and not against it. Calming this restless energy I would hope would have allowed me to write additionally, however, I suddenly developed a writer’s block! I noticed nothing I conjured up in thought could be word by word placed into an essay by design. I couldn’t even find interest in my latest article and book reads which by far was something calming and definitely interesting to me. So what was a girl to do to calm this restless energy…... . Sharing yourself with another be it your spouse, partner or one hit wonder lover allows the restless energy to dissipate and the long term meaning of wanting, desiring for and looking for in another to increase. Just as my heartbeat of interest boomed through the walls of my chest, I noticed my restless energy calming down intensely as I straddled his thighs. Damn I felt settled and instantly calmed. From the stroke of my back, to the sliding down of my shirt, to the caressing of my thighs and the closing of my eyes, I felt the calm. The calm of sexual tension and need interchanged with my want and desire for you. My eyes begin to flutter in contentment. Damn, I felt the calm. The pulsating beats of two hearts in unison racing and needing each other. Damn, I felt the calm.

#SelfTruth

My reality of the fact of the matter is my affinity and affections for you. The issue that I am having with self is basically that I can’t seem to shake the feeling of you. No matter how much I attempt to see the demise in my affections, or think of worst case scenarios as the outcome of my relationship with you, there is nothing that seems to set apart the most intimate and connecting pieces of us two. I am crying as I type because the fact of the matter is I need you……… I realized that love may present itself to us in many ways, shapes and forms. I have reached my love for another and tumultuous as the experience has been I am unable to contain and control it as I once thought. The fact that I am facing is that everyone is not necessarily arriving on the emotional love train at the same time. Could you imagine if everyone loved each other at the same pace and speed and in the same time? Wow is all I could say to that imagined dream. But right now I am thinking about being honest and true with myself. Covering you up with the figments of others doesn’t hold me. I may attempts at starting over, romancing someone else and even looking for that felt love experienced with someone else, but it is never there and I can’t continue to pull the shade over my own eye. Looking for someone else to fill the vibrational field of emotions I have gathered with you doesn’t touch or paint the surface of any experience in comparison to you. I have loved before, but no love is similar and resembles any other. Never disregarding the experiences of others in my life, I bowed out gracefully to them. The uniqueness experienced with you is a confessional. From the bottom of my heart to the center of my mind, the two have come together and at this moment I am not worried or concerned about what anyone else may think or feel as I personalize these emotions, a battle of sorts that has run it’s tide with truth and false. A battle LED BY LOVE, which has challenged me to never forget it and let it go. I am blessed and fortunate to have the ability to express my emotions and feelings as such, and although life remains a challenge in the minds eye I am willing and able to face my future.

Is it possible to see your life’s escape in the reflection of another? Is it quite possible to allow your walls to entirely come crumbling down in the wake of common interest and unadulterated emotion? Not controlled or contained by self or monitored by anyone other…..Is it possible? Reckless, unplanned and centered on my own personal emotional quest I had to have you. Persistently teasing my mind I wondered about you. Ulterior motives perhaps, but appeal and unspoken interest remained. In my very own abandonment of how I viewed life and the suggested path line what intrigued me about you and your way of life, but most importantly your simplistic essence. Your aromatic ingenious and creative wave of life and how you capture life and those living life engrossed me. Your play with pictures matches my play with words, I wondered about you…. Reserved to many, but not entirely to you I was happy for your entrance in my life. The ability to have escapism is key to me, so whatever role you will play I actually welcome it. Not finalizing anything as I type, or being suggestive of a need or want for further (because I have no idea at this moment what further is) however, I know nothing is concrete and guaranteed, and the ability to live on your two feet and in the moment has remained promising for me, and at times a factor in how I see and define my life. I started our last conversation with “confession time”; I guess I will continue on that pathway, only you would know what the additional sleep afforded me this morning on the most gloomy and grayest day to date. That security and safe net existed in my self-created world. The ability to restfully and peacefully sleep without a wanting feeling; as fleeting as the moment existed and passed it was to me the sun to the start of my day.

Emotionally driven constantly and at times perhaps too intense (depending on the emotions and the outflow and designated person of receiving interest) I was still. Something singularly sought after, but best experienced in the duality of two. Sometimes we never grant others the gratuity and respect they have gathered in our lives, but I thank you.

Could this be......Maybe

At times I want to go forward and be one with a potential partner. Milk the rewards of a shared relationship growing from the start of interest to the blossoming of desire and love. It could be more than a fascination, and nothing less than blooming interest on a daily romance scale. This would seem ideal and scream out a girls desired for fantasy, but it’s semi suiting for me. Although I envision these and many other similar described moments of love, affectionate and interest, it’s not entirely what I want. To be chased and connected with someone is appealing, but to be free from the worries of a relationship, allowed your space and hearts desire with the ability to wet the tip of your ink blot pen of interest whenever you were running low on the fuel that fires your hearts desires. Enchanting and fantasy ridden Monday – Wednesday and Thursday-Sunday solidarity and independence from life’s confines actually is what I secretly desire and want. No rules, no schedule and no reservations. A feeling of free flying and eyeing the night’s skies with unlimited possibilities. In essence, I want it all, but in my very detailed and carefully planned out way. Selfish……possibly so.

Turning back the hands of time.....

Six years ago the woman who birthed and nurtured me, loved me unconditionally, struggled with her own personal dreams and wants which were always placed on the back burner, because those dreams and ideals weren’t primary. Her children were primary. Watching us grow up and take on the world placed before us is what kept her sane and afloat. She dreamed of many dreams, but what she wanted most importantly was her family to come together, grow together and live life together. There was a time whenever I was facing an issue or problem I wouldn’t even call my mother to discuss the issue over the phone, because that wouldn’t have sufficed. At the time I was living in Long Island City, Queens and it was a super long commute from Queens all the way out to Canarsie, Brooklyn, but I didn’t care I needed to talk to mommy and hear her words of wisdom. After walking into her apartment I would go directly to her bedroom and climb in her bed and just listen. I listened to the stillness of a late Brooklyn night, I listened to the low level volumes of the TV broadcasting mommy’s favorite show Gun Smoke. I listened to the sound of mommy’s oxygen machine as she self ministered a treatment for the evening. She was in a peaceful and resting state and I didn’t want to disturb her, but I needed her the most at that very moment, and through out all the things happening and going on physically, mentally, medically and spiritually with my mother, she set aside her issues and stirred from her routine and looked at me “Hey Cola, Stay the night”. …. The nickname given from childhood which remained in adulthood stayed with me and further reassured me into the calmness of the night. My worries withered away. I slept. Today is Mother’s day and I am troubled with my thoughts and emotions all at once. Mommy passed away five days before Mother’s day 6 years ago. During mother’s day week and weekend and during the week and day of my mother’s birthday I experience a major change in my personal mood and mindset. It feels as if I have no will to further explore the depth of my emotions because they run so deep during this time. Further I fall into the depths of my memories ocean. I truly miss her so much, and it hurts me to think of her still not being here, as if she passed just yesterday. My heart remains aching so. Sometimes we wish and wonder what would we say if the person you loved but lost was standing right before you. Sometimes one might say they would start off by saying how much their life has transitioned and changed without their significant other being there, or they would become angry with the instant departure of their significant other and read them the riot act and more, but I thought more clearly about this loaded question and I pulled the trigger……..If the woman who birthed me and unconditionally loved me through out the start of my life up until my 24th year she experienced of my life was standing right before me I would say “Stay. Please stay”. I would want to have her whole and healthy and happy once again. Sometimes I fantasize about this occurrence and click my heels and count till ten hoping a miracle of sorts would happen, but when I open my eyes and listen for the familiar sounds I am once again faced with the reality of my current existence which remains being without my mother. The women whom I gave hell as a teenager, the whom I declared irrational in her thoughts and no shape or form similar to my personality at all, but in the end I am my mothers child from sun up till sun down. I see more of my mother within me then ever before, and I hold tight to these memories and will never let them go.

So as other’s pay homage to their amazing mother’s and spend that quality and cherished times with them I remain in a saddened state forever. Gone but surely never forgotten. I will always love you!

Battling feelings of indifference and ineptitude and struggling to remain on top is what has consisted of the start to my month of May. It has been a challenge and numerous ideas have run through and through my mind, however, nothing has planted and enlightened seed as of yet. Having started with an amazing and interesting April, I have almost wanted the glow to continue, but it started to fizzle and fade and my productivity has gone alongside with it, but do I want to give up and in to this need and feelings? Something that has comforted me many times, rising on top and riding that wave, but becoming frazzled in times of strife and struggle and fizzling out along with my wishful dreams and thoughts. Do I predict this for now? Is this something that is predictive of me and my present state and mind? To worry and have anxiety can right off many sensations all at once, but this was once me and I no longer live and accept my past doings as present predictors. So I accepted a former fate, but am not allowing it to present itself than any longer than needed. Awaking an inner me that was the silent sleeping Dragon for years has allowed me to gather myself and return the dedication and strength. Not allowing a struggle to be completely forgotten of its intensity and mission. So writing about my romantic woes and up and down’s has alleviated a lot of issues that I was previously experiencing, and has allowed my dating and love life experiences to be ever present and very strong thus far. I have freed up a lot of concerns, and forgiven a lot of wrongs that I have righted. Reducing the risk of completely returning back to a previous situation or allowing the start of a once resembled relationship to get the best and better or me. I have grown stronger emotionally, physically, mentally and spiritually. Accepting of the fitting behavior and the people who are representative of what I need and will want in my present LIFE. So I am not afraid of the melancholic moments, or the times when I am doubting or experiencing a writing downward spiral that will eventually lead me into an upward swirl. So I welcome all the feelings and emotions that come with this lifestyle I am seeking to gather and build strength on and project. Mind and heart and logic and love will always run hand in hand.