Today I attempted to rationalize a hurt that could
potentially devastate me if I attempted to make more sense of it. The more I
started to open up about the pain that was a dull numb to me a few days before
to now have transitioned into a noticeable ache…I began putting two and two
together and started to face my impending problem in a way that would lead to
more resolution and less emotionally charged moments where I would be left to
my own devices of getting past the difficult moments to making collective sense
about an issue.
It appeared yet again my emotions were at a high, and being
at such a heightened state I was experiencing a lot of moments where I was
reeling on the brink of self-discovery or hurling myself into an emotional
world wind. I wanted answers to questions I had dared not to ask him, and him
being in question has bought all of these moments of confusion and difficulty
to my immediate attention. I also was
looking for self-acceptance in others who at the time appeared to be excellent
distractions that enabled me to slowly lose myself in the myth of forgetting
your focal problem, but entering another problem with no immediate need for an
answer. The ability to waist time in such a way would grant me serenity for the
longevity of the mood that was in the midst of forming and soon to be passing,
but this secondary problem turned into a reflection of what would never become,
and yet again I was left reeling with two emotional setbacks that kept me
drifting away.
The unease and sense of wanting to capture all the pain and
turn it into joyful moments came over me as a new entrance into my life
occurred. His gentleness and masculinity has always held my attention, his
ability to bring comfort and relaxation into the moments we had experienced together
was more than enough to get me through the night, but yet I had this nagging
feeling that he would enter my life again as he had done so before and whisk me
off my feet, and tell me everything I have wanted to hear about his ability to
guide my harden heart back into the living world. How he was entirely different
from before, and that although he has disappointed me he would never stray away
from me again. I wanted to receive all the reassurances that he never stuck to
when we initially met. I wanted to feel the confidence of a jilted lover being
redeemed from the lover whom initially discarded their emotions. I wanted to
freely breathe in everything he was telling me and never have a doubt in
regards to him, and his life meaning and intentions with me, but yet nothing is
ever guaranteed and the feelings of inadequacies and never being entirely
enough started to rear its ugly head back into my visual plain and so I am left
to deal with my emotional missteps and behaviors that soon followed.
It’s not easy to sit with my feelings, especially when they
are at an all-time high. Or when I feel as if I am expecting a reaction or
response from the other in question, but yet they don’t do anything to appease
my emotions or allow a sense of calm and peace to come to mind. I then am left
to look within myself, and within looking within myself I am discovering the
affects that I have allowed myself to feel in the name and loss of affections
within their eyes. Being aware of this outcome not only makes my emotional state
arrive at its highest, but it also places me in a unique position as to where I
am left to counter these emotions and stabilize myself once again.
It’s within my Yogic asana that I have found balance and
symmetry to my unbalanced emotional state, and although I would love to regard
my three lovers with ease and review their sharpened darts to my heart with
enthusiasm I am left to simply send love and light and let peace be still and
render my heart from it’s painful clutches. If I am ever to learn about this
thing called life and the romantic and at times deceptive experiences that have
torn down many emotional walls I will have to learn how to rebuild and keep my
emotions and heart afloat and learn how to release tension and worries and
stress that’s been building and wanting to topple at the days end.
Today I sought and I found, but as I answered I started to
simmer and within sitting with my feelings and emotions I freely vented but
within each yoga pose and move I swayed, and so here I am building the karmic
bridges of love to renew the faith that was loss within me.
