Does my love for you not justify anything?

Time and time again I see myself swallowed into a ball of flames. You light my strings and watch me wither away in a redden cloud of pain. I continue to test and temp fate and faith, knowingly that the end is near. Never before have I placed myself out towards someone so many times. I thought I had enough strength and persistence to work myself through. I thought I could possibly mend my melted heart into something solid and consistent, but it appears not to be going as perfected and planned. You allow me to be intoxicated by your sex appeal. Your style and male donned out over all official state has captivated me. Your swagger and appeal is something to be reckoned with. Your glint in your eyes, and dimpled cheeks, to your masculine height and width and manly size. Just you and everything about you has continued to bring me to my knees. I sit down and think about all of my individual wants and needs that perhaps you will never satisfy. As temporary in your life you view me, I must deem you the same. I must simply enjoy the moments and live freely and vicariously through any and all who have ventured to pursue the road to nowhere.


I am saddened that I am taking this much time fixated and focused on someone who really could care less about my feelings. As expressive as I am, I have come to realize that nothing is perfect and guaranteed, and also, nothing is received without being acknowledged. So as I have given myself freely to you time and time again I have withered in such a state that I can no longer stand and receive anything from anyone else. I am lost, or so I assumed I was lost. My heart is making a sharp turn and grinding against unwanted feelings. It’s time for me to make choices and decisions and begin a regiment of healing. I cannot go all of my life wasting away in love for you. Did I say love? Yes I typed love. I care so deeply about you that a general paying attention and being interested in you developed into love. I grew more comfortable and confident around you and speaking to you. My heart continued beating faster and more consistent for you. Although my eyes have scanned the rooms and entertained a few, I continue to run back to you. My like turned into love, and wanting to know more just about you. You turned me away and allowed me to think otherwise, which is bringing me to this point of an unbalanced state. So here I go again releasing you, but not wanting to let you go. Where do I go from here? As I write this I am at a point in my life where everything is up in the air. My livelihood, love for all and life and everything in between is just not balanced enough. My wound is festering and poisoning my parts. I need help…..I need a resolution and it cannot possibly be you. I have involved myself in surface like relationships, and potential toxic ones too, but I easily closed the case and disappeared from all, but with you and for you I am here. Everything I desire about you is always going to stay with me. Although I release you from my life and soul and a part of me, I know you will always burn that flame for eternity within me…..stir as you may, I have to let it and you go. I love you.


Lesson Fifty Four: What lay ahead…….
Admittance and understanding of what just was said is the start of something new and creative and also healing as well, however, denial and continually attempting to close and just break away is no longer the resolve, answer or medicine. You’re my illness baby, and I am attempting to make you go away……I think I’m going to need rehab from your love. Let me go…..

Should have, could have, would have, but do I?

Entertaining several thoughts here…..The major thought running through my mind is embracing you. Two and a half years of longing for someone who’s deemed “untouchable” do to their situational occurrences, but I have nothing standing in my way. Perhaps common courtesy and mutual respect for another’s life situation and regard for their life situation should remain a major factor in my case; however, I have totally caught the case of “Why should I care about your situation?” When I think about being concerned about the all too illusive “what ifs”, I say to myself if I can’t erase his memory. I don’t want to erase his memory, and if I could sample just want taste and touch of him, why shouldn’t I? Since when did I become so conscious and self restrictive and overly concerned with how others are received by me? I am not saying be entirely careless and live your life at a Charlie Sheen whim, however, what I am saying is that there are times in your life when a person, situation, relationship, moment in time, anything of all of the above listed presents itself, and then you freeze and think about all the possibilities of how and why this instance in your life will be brief, and that there is nothing more or further that will come from this situational occurrence, but why the hell not? All the time we spend seeking out someone and pursuing this and that one, when right before us is a quick pick me up! The type of experience that will allow you to breathe and reflect on your emotional self. Yourself that was driven to compromise for so long. Your inner person that has remained on reserved status due to being mindful and respectful of all and everyone. Never saying disregards rules and regulations and totally mutate into someone that you don’t even know anymore, HA! However, I would like to see everyone let their hair down and adjust that tie to lay it loose. I would like for you to embrace these moments and experiences because they build and build into a bigger picture. Like a resume, we perfect our place of employment and jobs and career to a dot the I and cross the t. We are overly conscious with how we are perceived and how others ingest us, but what about ingesting yourself? What about perceiving you as a loving, and capable being that deserves attention, respect and most of all the right to experience and be free. So as I think about you, I think about what you are going through and experiencing. I analyze that maybe you aren’t happy and you are searching for a temporary adjustment and resolve for the moment. I then stop myself from seriously going into more, because regardless of your situation and my situation I am not going to pollute our experiences should it occur. I want only my body and kisses to be your resolve and solution. I will not counsel or even dare to question your situation, because simply I am dreaming and living for me, and you have come to intoxicate my mind and senses, so be it……..

Enter the Dragon……
I am utterly feeling as if I am sensually drowning in a sex filled jack pot. It appears that when you let your inhibitions go and all the people that we were “waiting and wishing” for, life hits its highest peaks! Enjoyment and living life freshly is the name of this game. I am fortunate and truly blessed to be able to write and detail each and every experience, these experiences continue to propel me to know as much as I can retain and experience as much as my goddess body grants me. I will not allow my soul to befall on another moment of unable to truly test, reinvent, pleasure, passionately engage and experience all what life offers. When the time arrives for me to commit to my lover I will cherish each and every memory. Until then I am on a mission to love me, and receive love as no other…….

Lesson Fifty Three: Make it Rain or Thunder Storm?
Hmmm I like to make it rain and would love to cause a thunder storm, however, emotionally it’s been a Tsunami of sorts, but as the emotional water recedes and my foundation is getting firmer I am rising. Like the skyline of New York City I am BACK!

Guiding others……

When you are hurting and wondering about all of your things you are experiencing and going through, there is always someone else facing the same situation as you. Instead of turning within we reach out and guide others. As I listened to my friend’s pains, I could not help but become nostalgic and turn inwards briefly to think about my situational occurrences I have experienced. I noted that communication and being up front and open with someone is the key ingredient in a successful relationship. Your ability to see outside yourself, and enter into someone’s life and their situations remains a major factor in accepting someone and yourself in a partnership. Turning inward again I questioned myself…..The state of balance, and also, the state of maintaining my own personal nerves and sanity remains with me only. I am not as eager and ready to transition and share with someone else. Although we cannot stop our emotional connections and attractions to and for others, however, we can learn to access our inner deepest states, and acknowledge our abilities to choose our status and romantic affairs. I wished my friend well as I heard him pour his soul out to me. He is hurting and in love, however, he does not realize that sometimes we have to love and let go. No matter how hard we try to get our loved one to see our ways in life, or even transition their individual ideas and pace; nothing is ever set in stone until the person in question is willing to transition. No matter how much you love someone, love is the ultimate healer, but love can also set you free. So I advised my friend to continue to make attempts at saving the relationship, but there is just so much one can do. As my personal opinion and advice echoed throughout my living room, something clicked for me. I try so hard to be loved, when in fact I am loved. I try so hard to conform to rules and regulations, when in fact I live rules and regulations free. I like the person who I am becoming. I have struggled to deal with my emotional self and logical self, being realistic and true to me isn’t an easy task. Relaying my life and experiences and sharing my world with someone is never easy, however, I am neither obligated nor set in stone with anyone. As you are, and as I advised “You are your own person. Allow life to be experienced, and live your life and explore all of life’s boundaries, and what life has to offer, but never limit yourself to anyone”.

Taking things in stride…..
I won’t personalize any responses or reactions. I will trust that each experience has meaning and color to my life. At times we continue to push life’s boundaries, however, we bypass the simple meaning of letting go and just being. We don’t have to be surrounded by stress, problems and troubles. If you are meant to be experienced then so be so, however, time is the ultimate teller of life’s themes, and in this particular theme your time has expired. The heart needs time to heal, the mind needs time to mend and your body and soul needs time for cleansing. I jumped from one situational occurrence, into another occurrence which in essence cost me time. I can only extend myself just so much, so I am taking things in stride. I welcome calm and peaceful moments. I am never alone, but walk single handed for a reason. Not having a steady partner is no longer personally viewed as a plague, but more time to amend myself. If I think it and believe it will come to fruition. When I dream, I stay in a stilted state, but when I succeed it’s a lasting and lifetime experience. So again, I am taking life in stride and learning from each and every experience. I cut ties with the old, and unwrap the ribbons of the new. I am as always thankful and grateful for each and every opportunity to experience life to the fullest. Amen!

Lesson Fifty Two: You are who you are……..
You will always catch a glimpse of yourself in someone else; however, remember not to lose yourself in their image. All you can be is you. If the person, partnership and experience is suitable to your needs and wants release it. Emotionally straining yourself is not necessary. Physically depleting your mental stock on unnecessary moments isn’t helpful to your long run. Yes we will falter and make mistakes. Yes we will even say “why did I experience this, or do this, or go along with this?”, because in our heart of hearts we truly meant well. However, everyday is an experience and life challenge. Never give in or give up! You’re worth it!

This is for you….and you… and you too!

In closing I hope you regard this statement with the highest notations. I am not the easy person to get along with. I am wayward in many of my ways and experiences, and yes I go from being super hot to Luke warm to freezing in regards to my mind set and focus. My intent and relationship intentions may have not been as clear and concise as you wanted them to be, but what about your ideas and thoughts on our relationships. As opinionated and open as you are about my down falls in life, let’s regard your moments…..hmmm I can start a list and continue to talk on about them, however, how beneficial would that be? Who’s gaining a skill point? In all honesty my intent and motivations in regards to striking it up with you again wasn't as in depth as assumed.I released you the day you left me mouth wide open. I re entered your life with expectations to crush you. Crushing you slowly wilted away and I began to respect you. Never letting go of the former rejection and life slights, I still kept in mind. When I came to you I assumed that we can begin again and start over, however, I was wrong. As much as you dont want to admit and see it, you were at all attempts trying to change and mold me. Your wife may have attempted to control and conduct your life, however, your stubborn nature and emotional distance and almost droid like ways are just as clear as day. You like to make mention and point out everything you assumed could have been just as obvious to anyone else, but your form and grounds for communications lacked poorly. Have you ever been in love? This is the question I needed to ask you. Do you know what its like to have a loving, and lasting relationship? Communication is in fact key. Communication is in fact a builder. As sheltered as you deemed me, you were closed down and under life renovations. You attempted to mirror my emotional set, but didn't come as close. Do I respect you for pushing me. Criticizing me and my responses? Am I so conditioned that I allow your toxic sarcasm to resonate to the bottom of my soul? You are no life line or for that matter anyone savior. Romantically cut off and emotionally damaged. I thank your life experiences and ability to not see for that man you are, and the man you are set on becoming. I wish you clarity. The hurt that you hold inside for your life failures and familial failures resonates all through you. I could easily cast you aside and deem you lonely and lost and never to achieve the likes of a successful relationship, but just as easily spoken I took those words back. I actually feel for you. The person who’s working so hard to maintain all will eventually falter and let everything go. Will you still be standing? I wish and want all the best for you; however, I love me more. I love the fact that I am me. As crazy and pragmatic and stubborn and in your face I am, I can’t be anyone else but me. I am never saying my life will never transition and change with another human being, I am saying that your moment and time in my life is over and I release all memories and experiences. We had situational moments and gentle giant occurrences, but it will never be enough. So again, Ode to the whims of life and experiences, but good bye to the windfalls and heart ache experiences…….

So enters you…..
Who the hell are you and where did you take my life and soul? I am feeling so myself lately. I am actually coming to terms with a take charge attitude. I am the woman I was made to develop into. No longer fearing heartache, life slights and general disappointments, I am all I need to be. It never occurs to you how people will attempt to mold you to their individual character needs and descriptions. It never occurred to you that perhaps you never really wanted to be involved with me, but just the though and imagery of that idolized person continued to pull you towards me……well wake up is all I have to say, because I no longer answer to you…you…or you! I am beating to my own drum and loving it.

Lesson Fifty One: Toast!
I am in the mood to raise my glass, cup and anything that brings cheers and smiles to my already cherry blossomed face. I am cheering my ability to let go. I let you in only to release you. Why? Because it just was time to be honest. I honestly didn’t expect anything to continue to transpire and move forward. Letting people in and letting go is not has distasteful and harmful to the senses as before. Never wanting to be plagued by assumed emotional ties. Never drown in unassumed sorrows. Love and let go. It is best to have loved and released, then loved and hated.

Life in droplets……..

Ever notice the rain running downside your window pane? Ever notice how often the pitter and pat resides in your mind? The moment the rain droplet slide down, another one forms and so goes a continued pattern. This pattern reminded me of my current state. In constant motion; starting off large and leveling out to splash of life and love. Although nothing in life is routine, everything is meant to be experienced and presented to you in your timely matter of living. Everything we give and receive has the rain run schedule. I call it the rain run schedule, because it’s constant moving and never stagnant at any given moment. At times the rain run may go down slowly, and in the times the pattern is slowed down I believe this brings attention to perhaps the experiences we may need to experience slowly and thoroughly. As painful as times can be, and at moments we may even want to recede into ourselves our burst that rain drop to get on with the splash or life in general, however, we must remember that in times of pain, gloom and doom there is always an amending way. There is always hope for a better progressed day and moment. There is always the hope that the end of the tunnel, that silver lining or that break in time will present and transform a better and best you. Like a rain drop on the upside commencing on to the downside, things continue to get better. The old saying and adage was “it gets better uphill” well gliding down the window pane and exploring life in general is as amazing as it can get and be. Downhill never looked so well!

Call it as I see it….
Elemental pulls beckoned you to me. Normally I wouldn’t be as interested in attempting or pursuing anything on an intimate level with you, however, on this night everything must have aligned because baby it was just you and me. The crashing waves and the glittering stars served as candle lights to my already lit and dimmed mind. Dreamy and steamy are the two connective words I would utilize for this moment. As I embrace your body to mine I thought to myself “Memories are forever more and take me away, I will always think and recall this moment in time. I captured my essence”.

Although I have been seriously entranced in a enjoying me moment and attitude, and making life as pleasing and happy and me friendly as possible, I continue to think and wonder about you. I missed you and actually took time to think of and about you, and recall situational instances and occurances. I question and ask myself daily, why is it so hard to let you completely go? Why am I holding on to a memory of sorts? Am I a glutton for heart ache and agony? I could have been crushed by my attempts of making me moments, however, I was not. A failed attempt at a one night stand, which result in a deletion of the person on all social networks and forms of communication, to am erased moment and thought in regards to that experience. I started feeling down in the dumps, wishing that it was you I kissed, and open my heart and soul up to. The way you caress and touch my body from head to toe. Your lips are in tuned with my sweet spot. It’s as if you drink from the fountain of youth. You never tire or get old. I love that about you. In fact I am in love with. I fell head first and was in admission of this moment, but you let me down. Actually I let myself down. I waited so long to express my feelings and intentions for you. If I would have called things out from the start, would you have stayed? If I would have been upfront and honest about my needs and wants, would you have wanted them? Would I have experienced them and you? The choices we make in life…….. Well I choose to continue to be tortured by my love for you. I am not ready to loosen those ties just yet. There is an actual reason for me being engaged in your life and vice versa. The reasoning I have not as of yet resolved, however, we are us or I alone leaving you is meant to be. Crazy and super cool all at once.

Lesson Fifty: From the beginning to end……….
Comparing life and experiences to a rain drop, and then zipping into an instant moment of unkempt and unclaimed passion, to lastly returning back to zen like state. I am thinking of and about him constantly, however, life continues to catch me by the coat tails. I love the moments and people in them. Every experience is meant to be felt and shared. One moment brings forth a life time of memories. So let it rain drop, splash into unkempt and claimed passions, to then lastly focusing on my heart. Ah I value these moments. These are the days…..

Within passion resides a lost you…..

As much as we throw ourselves into others, be it their lives, or their homes or even their bodies; we are constantly at the expenses of someone else. If you have a long day at work, or your home life is too tough or situated to where you aren’t content, who do you call and turn to? Who embraces you for that moment in time when escapism is the key? Who guides you back to normalcy, or provides the mystical moments in disguise of it all. Secretly embracing you and enveloping your stress and at times pain. As I lay my head backwards and look up at your ceiling I only answer with a silent thank you. Thank you for taking your time out to console me. Thank you for taking the time out to let me know that everything and each passing moment spent with you without you will continue to be OK. Getting lost in your passion and kisses and body excites me to the point of forgetting everyone and it all. Do I continue to drink from your waist, neck, inside your thighs, you lips and tongue…….or do I pull away and look towards the door, but glance back at you? I begin adjusting my body on your bed. As I sit up and look forward at the walls I feel the cold night’s air creeping up towards me. You make the slightest attempts to reason with me, or bring the covers back over me, because you are accepting of our arrangement. You know that once I get up and walk towards your door, there is no turning back. The passion bubble and love experienced throughout the day and creeping into the night will no longer exist. So as I slide off your bed and move towards the door I recap the day and semi night spent with you. The laughter shared and the conjoined moments, the instant mood booster, and also, problems resolved or dissolved………..

I sit up and walk towards the door. Not willing to compromise or transition what we have into something that can develop further. I only am thinking of and about myself at the moment. My selfish needs and wants surpass even yours. I know I am not right thinking or feeling this way; however, I am not wrong for putting you off. I am not wrong from saving you from a life style or situational occurrence style relationship. Wouldn’t you prefer all of me then half or some of me? How deep is my love one would ask? I’m not taking the dive to risk knowing it.

Never too far…….
One day you will see that my love was ever lasting and stronger than any love you ever experienced. My time and patience with you was more then you expected, but it was something unexpected. You didn’t think I would interest and intrigued by you, or stay actively attracted to you. We fit so perfect together and related so well together, but yet you pushed me aside and distanced us more and more. As I look to others to shelter me from the cold night and empty heart beats, I can’t help but think of you. Our moments experienced and expressed and felt. Our night lying next to each other, me on my side listening to your breathing and snores. Slowly then turning inside your side to embrace and kiss you, and then snuggle even closer to you. My love for you will never falter, but it has limits.


Lesson Forty Nine: Just so much you can soak up….

You can see relationships from many lights. You can even few the differences and changes in a way that is satisfactory before one’s eyes, or depressingly pushing to another. I gave two viewpoints as to why I continue to linger and love you. I embrace change and transition and entertain temporary people, however, they will never amount to an entire you.