Watching her Journey

Wide eyed and always looking for the best of each and every situation life has to offer you. Your inner yearnings are stirring you to transition and changes. I am watching her journey and progressive succession. In humbleness come life wisdom and the keys to her eternal happiness. A trendsetter and beating to the sound of her own drums, hear her beat. Hearing the broken tone of your voice allowed me to sense your discomfort and pain with parting with a piece of you. We all identify with something that stirs and compels a part of our personality, and when it’s gone we wonder and question if we departed along with it? You then question a women’s worth….your beauty and image and what other’s will see when they look and glance at you. All of these thoughts rush through your head, and as you made your way to your destination you started listening to the imagined slights and stares of displeasure. Then you recall what brought you to this point in your life and self-journey. Impulsiveness or God’s child finding her yellow brick road one may say. Each step you take make eye contact with each and everyone you desire to. You didn’t just cut your hair you cut a new piece of that sweet life apple pie! You made a decision to shake the shit out of your world and watch what happens. You put yourself first this time. Not thinking about what the magazine’s want, or what’s the latest trend online or offline. You put yourself first! You matter. So the journey begins of freeing your mind and the rest following. Discovering your inner strengths and talents and prepping yourself for the journey ahead you stand firm and balanced. Turning fear into triumphant situations and challenging yourself to stand the test of time, you are already in the winner circle. So as I watch this journey I will take note of a separation of one self from an assumed identity. I will take from this as someone seeking who they are by peeling down each layer with a change here and there. I will see the journey blossom and bloom ahead of self actualization, built confidence and the blossoming of not only an amazing human being, but my better half go to life guide sister and best friend. I salute her on her journey and will be there each step of the way.

So battling the urge to allow my own emotions to drape over all the progress I have made, I then begin to question what these behaviors want from me. Self-sabotaging feelings arising again? Deciding to part ways with relationships and people who serve no productive connection, tasks or feedback in regards to my development; a sense of calm came over me. However, a month into my emotional and spiritual new found freedom I have allowed my thoughts to return back to you….. A sense of comfort and then discomfort comes over me. I am battling not only my mind, but I am dealing with the upheaval of my own set emotional state. The ride thus far has taken no dips or immediate turns. I have begun thinking about the dating pool and the possibilities of what romance and sharing my life and world would have to offer another, as well as transition my own personal stance and appeal into a shared bubble. But then again I think of you. Just like that, the endless possibilities and new ideas begin to sour and I recall the good times we shared together, the comfort in my mind’s eye. Do I really want to start anew again? So I start to go backwards in thought. Holding on to hope that each day is a new day and a new start…….but then reality and life lessons and experiences from you and with you assail my senses and takes this ride on many bumps and slopes. Reality of this situation is that I will always have some affinity for you. I will always recall the good times and experiences we have had, but then I will remember that you were never there for me. Your needs and wants never really matched my own, and although desire and the enchanting intimate moments we have experienced remain prominent, it was all we ever really had. One of the few things in life people seldom realize to see is the freeing of time, and the start of commitment with one another. You then begin to realize the importance of relationships and experiences with the people who truly care and have time to delve into your world. So coming to and realizing that I have been pretty much fearing the unknown and oddly “known” of what I am seeking and wanting, I cut off potential partners and possible dating situations because of my need to revisit the past and stay stuck in nostalgic moments. My own personal advice would be that you can actually revisit the past without being stuck in the former situation. Bringing attention to what made it your past, but also reflecting on the positive moments that you individually can continue to share and develop will only benefit you and your future relationships. So I set sail on a project find me!

Dusting off my dating shoes.....

A mixture of adventure and excitement all balled up into the dating experience. Not waiting for the summertime to roll around to select an ideal dating partner. It appears like the summertime sets the scene for the Fall and Winter romance, to then lead new love into the family oriented holidays and the meet and greets and exchange of mutual friends. So why do we fall into these assumed dating patterns and don’t break from the norms? I asked myself this very question today, and the answer I came across was basically break the cycle and make as many attempts as possible to enjoy the dating experience, and stray away from the social norms of assumed dating. Ever had a spring romance? Or was blown into the fall season by not only a cool draft, but the breeze of a handsome man with potential!

The start of changes and transitions begins with acknowledging that you are willing and more than able to make those necessary transitions into the future. What once served its purpose no longer has a space in your life. Letting all cares go to the wind and allowing positive happenings and experiences to develop and occur are well worth your time and attention. Breaking away from people who take up your time and space and warrant nothing from that experience. Breaking away from relationships that spread like poison and suck you into a dark hole and well of nothingness and no more.

So entering the room of potential with an open mind and a clean slated heart. Rubbing the pressure, pain and fears away and looking forward to the embrace and experience of something new, interesting and no longer blue.

Open Mind, Open Heart……..

HAPPY ONE HUNDRED...Two Year Journey

Having spilled my heart out to numerous everyday experiences that affected my current state, taking a look back is a wonderful insight into the progress currently being made. Although we feel stagnant and stunted by the choices we make for ourselves in regards to love and lust and the art of being in love, we must never fault ourselves for the less than mentionable experiences and relationships that at times appeared to hinder our growth and progress. What I learned actually today prior to blogging, was the ability to be still and allow for the world to right itself in times that may appear back peddling to us. A step backwards is a glance back at a lesson we needed to have a refresher course in. Thinking about perhaps having the ability to step into the past to amend unfinished business and lessons learned after all doesn’t sound to disconcerting. In fact life is about getting that second chance, or a chance to make the most of any sought after or given situation.
So within the two years of blogging, I look back at the emotional train that pushed forward within me and I see just where I was, and just where I wanted to be. I was a female afraid of her own emotions. I was always questioning myself and my individual needs, and at times comparing my needs and desires with others whom I assumed was likeminded and that our taste and interests favored, however, what I wasn’t really appreciating was the fact that I was and have remained my own person. Regardless of what a friend or family member assumed about a partner of my particular interest. Outside interest from friends and family members are very important, but in the end they can’t live through your emotions and experiences and make the choices for you, so understanding that in the end your decision is what matters most and more, allowed me to shed some walls I upheld for too long.

The human mind and heart are two complex entities that at times are at odds with each other, but once you realize that they are on a journey in unison rather than in battle you begin to clearly understand your role and guidelines. Two years ago my heart was in a state of limbo from a previous relationship that I was not able to find solace from, because we just could not be together. The love still lingered and remained, and I continued to question myself and wonder why? My heart received a jolt when I decided to attempt dating seriously not too long after my spilt, but I soon then found out that when my heart takes the driver’s seat and my logic takes a back seat the important in between information is over looked and once again I was placed in another situation. Realizing that it is better to not have fillers in the form of a sought after partner(s) and relationships; I soon ended what was best to not have taken off. The start of the year had it’s up and down moments, however, I never gave up on the idea of love and soon thereafter entered a love that I deemed mine and I was ready to take on, but unrealistic relationship goals and dreams found me falling once again into spilt paths of the mind and heart, and for this instance I found I was following my heart only. I allowed my heart to expand and close off all at once during this time, journaling many entries as to why our love didn’t grow and bloom and why you didn’t see anything further, connective and beyond with me. I hit my bottom, and that is where I found myself and answers to be revealed.
A battle of the will, word and most importantly my ego was the journey I charted. To be wanted and needed I assumed was to have the uttermost appeal and desire when seeking out a relationship, but I slowly am beginning to see and learn that desire can be valued outside of the physical and intimate level. You can have a desire for knowledge, passion and life and living it to the best of your ability and potential. What I am seeing in regards to my previous posts is the growth and alliance formed between my heart and mind. Asking myself the hardest questions and not making assumptions on the account of anyone. Making the attempts and strides to see something or someone through, but knowing when to let it go and move on forward. Making amends to see success in my failures and not be paralyzed by situations or anyone that is not in support of where my mind and heart are aligning to.
In two years I have declared my love and true affections. The battle remains a blaze within, but it’s an everyday battle worth fighting for.

So where I am at right now…….I am interested in knowing more about myself, wants and needs, I am also interested and willing to make time in my life for a partner that is accepting of the time and mutual interest. I laid down my heart Doctor Cap, Social Worker for life status and the ability to assess others and see them through their times of need. I need. I want. I deserve. I desire. I will experience. Making amends to chart these choppy waters of life and love, I now understand what the struggle and stress was for and where this journey has led and is leading me. I am the Captain of this Love Boat and I am currently accepting mutual and likeminded potential shipmates of interest.
So I set sail, and let the wind take me to where I need to be.


Lesson 100: Keep going
Each day I awake with a new found mission of interest to set out on. Although life has battled me down, I rolled right in the trenches with it! Each day is an adventure and path way to my treasured solace.

A New Moon

How am I to discover you again if I don’t make myself aware of anything other than you? L.O.V.E…… and the pursuit for it!

I have noticed that my moods have been fluctuating a lot, from happy in thought and lust to romantically depressed and sexually deprived. The root of my feelings all stems from my assumed love for one. The one whom I deemed able to make me feel and want to believe in you and me, the one whom always was so near, but remained yet so far away.

Time and time again it has remained my mission to not feel any form of pain or hurt or slights anymore. Isolating my heart from a rotational experience of mishaps and short winded relationships, I soon than began stuttering on a thing called life and its reality. You can hold just so much in, before the explosive properties begin to slowly build up. Designating your life to walking on eggshells is no way to be and live. In constant self-created suspense is a danger to your mind and heart. So I figure thinking of you as gone and clearing the slate of you will allow me to be able to get over you, but the denial of you has propelled me forward into wanting you more. A Perry Mason of the unresolved and unjust heart, fighting to win a case according to me and you?

Laughter…..

“I was bitter, just a little bitter”
Times like these I love to write about the pain. The trickle of the blue blood to the oxygenated air. I am happy to say that I am making more headway into the ultimate dismissal of you from my life. The more I write about how it was supposed to be, and it has never been the more I am coming to terms with just tossing the notion altogether! So I see a medicinal remedy that is slowly gaining steam and momentum for me…..back to the drawing boards of meeting new people and giving those “others” a chance at my time and heart. Although not everyone will be suited for you individual needs and interests, it sure beats wondering constantly why you and I didn’t work out. So writing a new chapter to my loving life and heart……The start of a new moon.

Lesson Ninety Nine: Take it all in, and let it all out.
Breathing was raced and at times rushed from my lungs. I tell you, thinking of and about you caused a lot of medical oddities in my life, but currently I have found the cure and temperament best suited for me. I trust in myself again, and I no longer doubt myself. Eager to please me and only me, and see my true essence and happiness not from the fought and sought after love, but from the daily grooming and constant self-check in’s and assurance that every day will be a challenge, but it will always get better.

Takes Time To Say What's On My Mind

You realize just what you thought you lacked in life you had in abundance. Soon you begin to see who greets you at your apartment door when you enter from a late day. You see who call’s you or text messages just to say hello and inquire about your day. You then get to see who wants to get to know you and take time to want to know you. Just when I thought you were about to make the necessary life changes for the better and best of us, I soon began recanting that statement.

Wishful dreaming or hopeful and longing, I can’t call it exactly; however, I am not surprised. Although at the time when you sang me a melody of interest, like and acknowledgement….everything seemed to dissipate just as soon as you spat it out. A rejection like virus thwarting penicillin, there is no vaccine for you or for me just an outcome left less desired for. So I loosen the ties that bound me to you yet again. Do I ever get sick of this bull shit I honestly and openly ask myself? The answer that follows holds no punches and doesn’t make me feel sad with thinking of accepting you back in, once received and then rejecting you once again. The answer I get comforts me. My love and desire for passion strengthened and renewed by a developed relationship that is openly well received and accepted, but whenever you lead me astray and leave me in doubt not longer and I accepting of it and you further closing the deal and connective ties.

To relegate my passions is to cut off my desires. To turn away from all of you, is to single out the majority of you. To deepen my need to be free and independent I dive deeper into myself closing off all to the world, which seemingly provides short term comfort in a long term world. I can’t hide from my passions and desires forever. Love will come and love will go and start slowly in developing. Am I to abstain from it all?

To think it was me……to think that I was nothing more than a secondary figure behind you. Stepping aside and glancing at my reflection I realized it wasn’t me. Your weakness and inability to close the deal for your own personal fears and failures temporarily silenced me and mind fucked me. To think I assumed that nothing would come after you? To think it was me…..So this time I know and always knew it was you. I no longer fear your discomfort, your silence and distance. I welcome it.

Lesson Eighty Nine:
Takes time to say what’s on my mind, but in my mind and eyes I remain true to me and not you. Lesson learned.

To this I say YES

How long can someone go without that intimate and passionate connection experienced only with someone truly desired and loved. How long can your mind and body sustain itself based on empty touch’s, little to none kissing and embraces of the entwined bodies. How long can one go with facing their lover not directly in the face, but placing their face to the side of their lover, or not taking pleasure in opening their eyes and being intimately captured and pulled further towards your lover. It was once said and possibly still believed by many, that the key to someone’s soul and life’s omission is to look someone deeply and directly into their eyes, but what does this myth or urban legend say for someone who can’t stare and look their lover(s) in the eyes. What does this say about someone who can’t find that sense of escapism in someone else’s eyes, but close their very own to not look forward or into their partner(s) eyes……is that telling of the disconnection?

Possibly a recipe for disaster and impending future missed moments and a diagnosis of a life emotionally challenged and sexually stagnated. Oh you will have that sought for orgasm, and the moment(s) when your body is literally out-of-control, however, how long can sustain this reality without thinking and feeling the possibilities and maybe’s of a mutually passionate filled life.

I can only tell you what role passion has played in my life when I had experienced it. I was happier than ever before, and connected to my lover like never before. I was relaxed, confident in my relationship and the intimacy that was continuously building each day and night. The build up was the desired for effect with an outcome of full blazoned love. To look your partner in his eyes and lay down your love as if it was your life was the ultimate sacrifice and opening line to a life of love and happiness, but when that passion and fire leaves you and you are left sitting in front of a cold fixture of a flame; then and only then will you feel hollow and penetrable.

The echo of DESIRE riddles my mind and sifts through my soul. I am torn between do I continue to sample and look for that love, that partner, that moment and experience in my life? Or do I pretend to not feel these desires, and just push right along through life taking and experiencing the limited love and missed attempts at intimacy life has to offer? Or perhaps I isolate my heart and emotions and attempt to remain locked, until an ideal key finds it’s way to my chained heart? Do I deny or go into denial?

Whose to say that we all have the answers to these unresolved and confusing life moments, but what I will say is that my heart is aching for that passion, and love. Coming from someone who feeds off of emotions, intimacy and love…….I ache.


Lesson Eighty-Eight: You asked you desired.
I still know what I want and desire for, and although I haven’t received it as of yet, I stand true to my dreams and beliefs that you will receive everything desired and sought for, you understand and respect your needs and know your wants, so what is stopping you? And to that I answer….Nothing and No one.

Push and Pull effect

Sometimes I feel as if all the problems of the day have been resolved. As if every pressing moment and time I have personally experienced has been removed, and the answer is awaiting my acceptance speech of recognition. I move forward and look ahead and want to remain in just that state. I want to remain at the top of the mountain I slowly climbed and never remember the jagged rocks and my stumbles and falls. Will I ever not just look back again? I don’t even want a chance glimpse or nostalgic moment……….is this the walled reality I have created for me? So I wonder.

The feeling of being in the present state and moment in time is a feeling of complete ownership and control. When everything is going good for you and it seems as if nothing and no one can let you down or get in your way the fear of taking that glimpse into the former and past creeps in on you. Yes, looking back to some is a good idea, and a way to seek closure in whatever puzzled and caused problems for them, but for me……well looking back is a gateway into returning back, and that’s something I definitely don’t want to revisit.

So here comes the push and pull effect…..you are doing amazingly well and life continues to get brighter and brighter for you. All your dreams and desires are being revealed, recognized and experienced. So here comes that push effect. The encouragement needed from friends and family and associates, who confirms all the amazing and to some dramatic transitions and changes within you that has improved your livelihood and lifestyle for the better. It’s an escalator ride all the way to the cherished top. Lots of smiles, joyous occasions and experiences and people to admire, appreciate the moments with. Who wouldn’t want to be pushed towards their success? The higher you peak the endless possibilities……until a moment of weakness sets in.

In this moment a distant memory attempts to recapture what was lost, but now wants to be found. Do I recollect this memory and allow myself to revisit the time where me and you were in a better state of mind and assumed happiness. Do I revisit the time when I traveled many of miles to look towards a homecoming visit of sorts, and all the assumptions I held that I assumed that would follow with the continuance of our meet up’s. Never listening to my own personal cautions and red flags going up, or heeding my intuition I went along with the fairy tale and wanted that celebrated ending.

So do I call the recent contact a moment of weakness in regards to my responses, thought and replies to our previous situations? Am I being entirely honest with myself, or am I blowing more smoke up my ass, about a reality that was never truly in existence of being solid and stable. Now with everything and everyone pushing me, am I to pull back from this elevation to revisit a time and place I once gravitated towards? Such amazingly sweet things and gestures and thoughts were expressed, and it appears as if you want to right the wrong and become a part of my life again. You even entertained the idea of sharing my world, my body and offspring with me………I am wanted again by you so it seems. So do I stop this elevation to come back to this space and point in time where I knew and felt I wasn’t entirely happy or even wanted to be there. I am afraid. If I look back, will I do what I always do when I assume my heart needs to rethink a situation? I go back to the source of the issue at hand and give it and him another chance. If I turn just ever so slightly everything will stop, and for what purpose am I serving myself, mind and heart and future for that matter? Push or Pull, you tell me?

Lesson Eighty- Seven: I am ready…..
So obviously a past situation has come to fruition in my reality. My past wants to be recognized. My past wants to be acknowledged and remembered and resume normalcy as if nothing ever happened or occurred that parted our past to form our now distant future. Spoken so truly, I know myself and my current and previous situations, and even taking that glimpse into the past was never a good predictor for my future. I would forget everything I was attempting, just to experience that nostalgic memory and moment. I wanted to feel that connection just one more time. Hoping that it was a renewal in memory of a better day and new start to us. However, it never went that way and I was always left holding the broken heart baggage again. So how do I face and handle you…….with my eyes focused and forward. My fear drove me to choose between the two of push and pull, but I can react and respond in unison of the two and knowing that everything will right the wrongs and moments experienced. I won’t falter or look back, and my fears will be trumped by my maturity and ability to know that it was previously and not presently and I have willingly and happily moved right on along. BREATHE