Takes Time To Say What's On My Mind

You realize just what you thought you lacked in life you had in abundance. Soon you begin to see who greets you at your apartment door when you enter from a late day. You see who call’s you or text messages just to say hello and inquire about your day. You then get to see who wants to get to know you and take time to want to know you. Just when I thought you were about to make the necessary life changes for the better and best of us, I soon began recanting that statement.

Wishful dreaming or hopeful and longing, I can’t call it exactly; however, I am not surprised. Although at the time when you sang me a melody of interest, like and acknowledgement….everything seemed to dissipate just as soon as you spat it out. A rejection like virus thwarting penicillin, there is no vaccine for you or for me just an outcome left less desired for. So I loosen the ties that bound me to you yet again. Do I ever get sick of this bull shit I honestly and openly ask myself? The answer that follows holds no punches and doesn’t make me feel sad with thinking of accepting you back in, once received and then rejecting you once again. The answer I get comforts me. My love and desire for passion strengthened and renewed by a developed relationship that is openly well received and accepted, but whenever you lead me astray and leave me in doubt not longer and I accepting of it and you further closing the deal and connective ties.

To relegate my passions is to cut off my desires. To turn away from all of you, is to single out the majority of you. To deepen my need to be free and independent I dive deeper into myself closing off all to the world, which seemingly provides short term comfort in a long term world. I can’t hide from my passions and desires forever. Love will come and love will go and start slowly in developing. Am I to abstain from it all?

To think it was me……to think that I was nothing more than a secondary figure behind you. Stepping aside and glancing at my reflection I realized it wasn’t me. Your weakness and inability to close the deal for your own personal fears and failures temporarily silenced me and mind fucked me. To think I assumed that nothing would come after you? To think it was me…..So this time I know and always knew it was you. I no longer fear your discomfort, your silence and distance. I welcome it.

Lesson Eighty Nine:
Takes time to say what’s on my mind, but in my mind and eyes I remain true to me and not you. Lesson learned.