Push and Pull effect

Sometimes I feel as if all the problems of the day have been resolved. As if every pressing moment and time I have personally experienced has been removed, and the answer is awaiting my acceptance speech of recognition. I move forward and look ahead and want to remain in just that state. I want to remain at the top of the mountain I slowly climbed and never remember the jagged rocks and my stumbles and falls. Will I ever not just look back again? I don’t even want a chance glimpse or nostalgic moment……….is this the walled reality I have created for me? So I wonder.

The feeling of being in the present state and moment in time is a feeling of complete ownership and control. When everything is going good for you and it seems as if nothing and no one can let you down or get in your way the fear of taking that glimpse into the former and past creeps in on you. Yes, looking back to some is a good idea, and a way to seek closure in whatever puzzled and caused problems for them, but for me……well looking back is a gateway into returning back, and that’s something I definitely don’t want to revisit.

So here comes the push and pull effect…..you are doing amazingly well and life continues to get brighter and brighter for you. All your dreams and desires are being revealed, recognized and experienced. So here comes that push effect. The encouragement needed from friends and family and associates, who confirms all the amazing and to some dramatic transitions and changes within you that has improved your livelihood and lifestyle for the better. It’s an escalator ride all the way to the cherished top. Lots of smiles, joyous occasions and experiences and people to admire, appreciate the moments with. Who wouldn’t want to be pushed towards their success? The higher you peak the endless possibilities……until a moment of weakness sets in.

In this moment a distant memory attempts to recapture what was lost, but now wants to be found. Do I recollect this memory and allow myself to revisit the time where me and you were in a better state of mind and assumed happiness. Do I revisit the time when I traveled many of miles to look towards a homecoming visit of sorts, and all the assumptions I held that I assumed that would follow with the continuance of our meet up’s. Never listening to my own personal cautions and red flags going up, or heeding my intuition I went along with the fairy tale and wanted that celebrated ending.

So do I call the recent contact a moment of weakness in regards to my responses, thought and replies to our previous situations? Am I being entirely honest with myself, or am I blowing more smoke up my ass, about a reality that was never truly in existence of being solid and stable. Now with everything and everyone pushing me, am I to pull back from this elevation to revisit a time and place I once gravitated towards? Such amazingly sweet things and gestures and thoughts were expressed, and it appears as if you want to right the wrong and become a part of my life again. You even entertained the idea of sharing my world, my body and offspring with me………I am wanted again by you so it seems. So do I stop this elevation to come back to this space and point in time where I knew and felt I wasn’t entirely happy or even wanted to be there. I am afraid. If I look back, will I do what I always do when I assume my heart needs to rethink a situation? I go back to the source of the issue at hand and give it and him another chance. If I turn just ever so slightly everything will stop, and for what purpose am I serving myself, mind and heart and future for that matter? Push or Pull, you tell me?

Lesson Eighty- Seven: I am ready…..
So obviously a past situation has come to fruition in my reality. My past wants to be recognized. My past wants to be acknowledged and remembered and resume normalcy as if nothing ever happened or occurred that parted our past to form our now distant future. Spoken so truly, I know myself and my current and previous situations, and even taking that glimpse into the past was never a good predictor for my future. I would forget everything I was attempting, just to experience that nostalgic memory and moment. I wanted to feel that connection just one more time. Hoping that it was a renewal in memory of a better day and new start to us. However, it never went that way and I was always left holding the broken heart baggage again. So how do I face and handle you…….with my eyes focused and forward. My fear drove me to choose between the two of push and pull, but I can react and respond in unison of the two and knowing that everything will right the wrongs and moments experienced. I won’t falter or look back, and my fears will be trumped by my maturity and ability to know that it was previously and not presently and I have willingly and happily moved right on along. BREATHE