Turn back the page...

So on with social newness, and upward mobility acts. Learning to enjoy simple company and amazing entertainment via friends, new friends and as always the lovely family. So decisions and choices have made up my weekday and weekend. I started off with my cleaning of my apartment and recollecting my past week. Sexcapades with a male I assumed I have serious love feelings for, sexcapades with a male whom I have this attraction and annoyance to and for, and lastly the closing of a toxic long distance relationship with an undiagnosed male, who unfortunately can not see the road to perdition, or the light at the end of the tunnel. So effected by his surroundings and childhood, he began damaging his interactions and relationships with others. I questioned myself, why did I stay and indure his sarcasm and mean spirited moments? Why did I allow myself to not see the detriment this particular male, and our on and off again relationship was causing? As always I can honestly say to myself "I told you so", so as I closed out this relationship yet again (two times and hopefully no more) I am paying attention to the type of people and relationship the stirs me. I am learning more about my wants in needs in each failed attempt, and from each failed attempt I am taking a lesson and new learned life plan with me.

So I ask myself do I really love this man? Why do I entertain and be bothered with this other man? Can I truly be alone, but involved and engaged with another, but on my terms? What are my terms? What are my undefined and sought after needs I am dreaming about? I realized that I can be alone, but I also realized that I can have that appropriate, sought after relationship, reliastic and honest and balanced on both ends, however, in order to recieve I must pass on the following: relationships that are dead ends, and pose no gain to myself and my needs. A relationship with a male, who pretty much has my life on his terms, and runs things by me when he is ready. Patrionizing and superficial conversations, or having that sirface relationship. In order to have depth and dig deep, we must experience and face life at face value. Love and lust do not run hand in hand. What sexually attracts and appeases you for the time being, will not always hold you for a life time. If there is no gain and connection, and nothing to be wanted and desired for by another, then why bother? Time is of essence. Life is ever changing and an amazing experience. Happiness is to be taken and for all it's worth. A life time of unhappiness, bitterness and anger will not suit anyone well. Love is beautiful and freeing.

So I have decided to continue to socially date, but I decided to sexually commit to only myself. I am cutting my lovers strings and ties to me. Invisible as the connections may be, it is the unseen that corrupts me. It is the unseen that has labled me as noncommitted and focused. It is these strongs that have binded me to others. I take my life scissors and I cut away you and you and you. My three you's have literally dissloved before my face. In regards to my dating experiences, I passionately welcome life, because it is innocent and toxic free. There are no strings attached and the only prerequiste is to enjoy it, and take it by it's hand. For which I will do.

Seeking solace in prayers and meditations and my own personal talisman have afforded me freedom and insight with my thoughts. I am freeing myself from unnecessary weight, and toxic beings and experiences. I am allowing myself to see life with another and in a partnership with meaning and definition. My own defined fears and terms of single life, and issues within relationships, that would never be experienced by a single female who was committed to herself only. I value and love myself, even through out these times and tribulations that are being faced, but I never gave up hope that one day my love and life would be defined by one simple statement and act. With each experience and hardship faced I have grown and become the person I am set to be.

So enters the man whom I have loved from the start of my adult life. The man who has imprinted within me. The man whom I call my lover, and bestfriend. I let him go because I could not understand the condition and terms of my relationship with him. I let him go out of anger and not once, but several times, but yet he has come back to me. Has he come for me? Can I wishfully hope that he will save me from me, and our love would have with stood time and distance? Yet I know there are changes that are to occur. There is a decision to be made about me, him and us. I am just now scratching the surface of this relationship.

Lesson Seventy Five:
Learning to let love be. Learning to acknowledge the hurts and the pain and genuinly move right above it all. I am flying high, but never too high too not take it all in. Gracious and thankful for each experience.

Another Chapter Read........

It takes reading your life book to truly realize all the pages that have been turned and re read again and again. The book I am creating and authoring all myself. This book I envisioned a lot of changes and transitions and "do overs". So enters a closing of a life chapter that I am finally coming to terms with. Over the past two weeks I have finalized my summer vacation to Barbados with two of my best friends. I have accepted my love for someone I have harvested feelings for, become emotionally attached to in a years time, explored ideas and options and possible relationship thought set with my love interest, however, time and pain and life's reality settled in. I began to stop wanting what just could not happen and occur with him, and I began appreciating the friendship once again. Yes, we are still intimately connected, but it's not as costly as before. Love will always remain, but time has been of essence, and it has not prompted any further happenings, so I released it and him, and just became me all over again. Detaching myself from him has shown me where I want to be, and that is simply HAPPY.

So welcoming in my 30th was an amazing blessing experienced with friends and family. I ate well (Thai food)and drank exceptionally well, I sang my heart out at karaoke and truly was amazed at the happenings of the night and the days to follow. I entertained dates, and also, looked forward to meeting up with friends. I allowed myself to think outside of the box, and I am not expecting anything more or further from anyone. I can only expect my reactions and predict my possible outcomes. All I can do in regards to pulling you, or pushing you further in or away from me is our truth and reality, which is to be faced. No more living with a life veil over my eyes, protecting me from reality and basically my future. I can not live for you, or conform to your ideals and life's standards, as with you can not live just for me, and change or transition your life to what I envision and see for truth.

So as I laughed, smiled, entertained company and became sexually optimistic and sensual, bored and in through, wet and open to ideas and ready for that pressure, I slowed each moment down and really thought to myself......I am asking for you (whomever he is) to come to me. I want to be free from life's stressors, to enter my life as unscratched and unscathed as possible, to save me from myself and discouraging thoughts and life acts that aren't pleasing to me anymore. As you (he) knelt over me to enter me I really thought about my sexual self and needs. I thought about the position and the connective tissues, and blood vessels opened to the rush of red passion. The burst of an orgasmic flame, or missed connection. The undulated swivel of my pelvis and mound on your body. My legs opening wider and I gasping louder and louder. At that moment as intense as ever, I thought to myself where am I going? If I want something from you, shouldn't I be living my life as such? A good life, of a reserved female awaiting her prince charming. A life of being patient and letting time and soured experiences go by. In passing I am twiddling my thumbs still optimistic and hopeful? I question this, and my rogue and renegade self says fuck as much as I want, cum as hard as I please and exclaim all mishaps, hurts and relationship strife's to the world. But in my self deprecated state, with my legs open and self exposed to the world I listen to my hurting me. I long for love and a relationship. I give in and up too easily and I doubt myself and discourage each experience as a mistake and a knock on myself, but then I hear an unknown voice reporting back to me that my life is meant to be explored and challenged. I am meant to feel, love hard and learn hard, but with each battle I must learn better stratagems to prepare myself for the licking of my own wounds self inflicted, or assumed lover inflicted. I am to hold my head up high and go forward with no fears at all. For each life lesson, a life map is revealed. I am right where I want and need to be. I can't settle for life's assumed norms or allow others to dictate what is good and great for me, for they don't breath, live or think like me. I welcome opinions and critics will always be there, but in the end I will remain the writer of my story, and for each chapter I write in my self book I intend to explore, expand and resolve and evolve all at once. Cheers to the fucking tears.

So as this chapter opened and begins to close I can not help but think about the forces of nature that almost impose a "to settle" attitude on me. I almost got caught up in just settling, but life again showed me the red flags. When in doubt and uncomfortable let it go. Intuition is not only your best friend, but the solid benefactor of you believing in it. Living out of the seat of my pants has provoked and exploited me all at once, but in essence where would I be if I didn't step outside the life lines.

Lesson Seventy Four: Believe in ME

When you rest your head you are you. When you awake and turn around, you are thinking of you. When you dream those big dreams, they are entirely exclusive only to you, but they demand the attention of an evolved you. Although we make mistakes, and at times tear ourselves up and feel slighted by life and tired by the assumed picture perfects of others, we have to remember we are exactly where we want to be. I can not smile for you, but I can smile for me. My faith in you will please me, but belief and faith in myself propels me.

What matters to me the most

In a world where everything appears to be temporary, and easily discarded; I realized several things over my holiday weekend. One, I dislike my current career path and the stagnant feelings I have grown to just deal with, whenever work becomes drama filled with a side of headache and definite annoyance to go! I am not pleased with this sense of ease and accustomed uncomfort. In fact, it took being talked about by a co worker to realize just how easily one is here and gone the next day. Hearing someone describe me in a way that questioned my abilities, integrity and overall work performance, well it just burned my insides and steamed my vision. I decided on this fourth of July Holiday of 2011, independence will not only ring in memory of our nations most ardent and fought for battle of 1776, but independence will ring for me as I begin to renew, search, discover and embrace the person I am yet to fully visualize and be.

Secondary epiphany,my rocky and at times disdain for my love life and the lovers involved in them has taken a turn for better......hmmm I have not mysteriously fallen in love, or have been swept away in my most vivid dreams. I have just decided to really appreciate and value myself more, and become what I am looking for. I can not ask you to be emotionally available and intelligent, when you are cold and as closed off. I can not request your interest and time, when you have neither in me or in have any time invested in yourself. I see the brick wall, which slowly has been drizzled with concrete and impenetrable military secret mixtures, that has created the all too consuming and blocking emotional wall. No matter how I try to see, and want to see it, you and they will never be there for me. Interest and like can just go so far, and well I am neither interested in those two, so with that being said I decided to not only adopt, but become the spokeswoman for realism. Being true to yourself and facing your once deemed disasters and life problems head on. No longer fearing responses, or problematic outcomes because once it is out in the open, it is to be read openly. So with that self reflective moment I am letting go. My back to the world, my arms spread wide open. My trust and connective net of safety is and has always been with and within me. I am allowing other experiences and moments in time to address my needs and wants and fulfill life's dark spots and soak up any and all clouds. Blessed and fortunate I am, to be able to be afforded the many opportunities and life experiences, so why not utilize them and work with them rather than against them? Cheers!

So in comes my family over the weekend and extended family. I have been afforded the opportunity to spend some much needed quality time with friends and family. Laughing, embracing, sharing stories, and eating and enjoying the moments as they passed. I never yawned and never felt a moments stressed or tired. I felt as if I found the fountain of youth, and as I lived through my adult daily in's and out's, I recaptured and relived my youth, all one instant in time. I was ideally happy and generally at peace, so I knew exactly what I needed to do.

So as I am looking for answers and searching continuously within, I am not at a lost for words and moments. Strikingly, little by little life is presenting herself to me in many charming aspects. I drink from her fountain of wisdom, and am seeing life as it is presenting itself. I am ready to visually see more, and willing to investigate and delve into the murky waters of existence. My fear and cares have been washed ashore.

Lesson Seventy Three: Everyday is a new beginning
What I did not start yesterday, I began today. What I didn't finish last week, I closed out yesterday. I am not cutting myself off or limiting my life's times, for if I think small minded and only see dates, numbers, minutes and seconds, I will never afford myself the ability to transcend it all. We are as old as we want to be, and as rushed and hurried as society makes us be. I am putting on the life brakes and choosing to look at my life path and pattern, not from afar, but up close and distinctly personal.