Turn back the page...

So on with social newness, and upward mobility acts. Learning to enjoy simple company and amazing entertainment via friends, new friends and as always the lovely family. So decisions and choices have made up my weekday and weekend. I started off with my cleaning of my apartment and recollecting my past week. Sexcapades with a male I assumed I have serious love feelings for, sexcapades with a male whom I have this attraction and annoyance to and for, and lastly the closing of a toxic long distance relationship with an undiagnosed male, who unfortunately can not see the road to perdition, or the light at the end of the tunnel. So effected by his surroundings and childhood, he began damaging his interactions and relationships with others. I questioned myself, why did I stay and indure his sarcasm and mean spirited moments? Why did I allow myself to not see the detriment this particular male, and our on and off again relationship was causing? As always I can honestly say to myself "I told you so", so as I closed out this relationship yet again (two times and hopefully no more) I am paying attention to the type of people and relationship the stirs me. I am learning more about my wants in needs in each failed attempt, and from each failed attempt I am taking a lesson and new learned life plan with me.

So I ask myself do I really love this man? Why do I entertain and be bothered with this other man? Can I truly be alone, but involved and engaged with another, but on my terms? What are my terms? What are my undefined and sought after needs I am dreaming about? I realized that I can be alone, but I also realized that I can have that appropriate, sought after relationship, reliastic and honest and balanced on both ends, however, in order to recieve I must pass on the following: relationships that are dead ends, and pose no gain to myself and my needs. A relationship with a male, who pretty much has my life on his terms, and runs things by me when he is ready. Patrionizing and superficial conversations, or having that sirface relationship. In order to have depth and dig deep, we must experience and face life at face value. Love and lust do not run hand in hand. What sexually attracts and appeases you for the time being, will not always hold you for a life time. If there is no gain and connection, and nothing to be wanted and desired for by another, then why bother? Time is of essence. Life is ever changing and an amazing experience. Happiness is to be taken and for all it's worth. A life time of unhappiness, bitterness and anger will not suit anyone well. Love is beautiful and freeing.

So I have decided to continue to socially date, but I decided to sexually commit to only myself. I am cutting my lovers strings and ties to me. Invisible as the connections may be, it is the unseen that corrupts me. It is the unseen that has labled me as noncommitted and focused. It is these strongs that have binded me to others. I take my life scissors and I cut away you and you and you. My three you's have literally dissloved before my face. In regards to my dating experiences, I passionately welcome life, because it is innocent and toxic free. There are no strings attached and the only prerequiste is to enjoy it, and take it by it's hand. For which I will do.

Seeking solace in prayers and meditations and my own personal talisman have afforded me freedom and insight with my thoughts. I am freeing myself from unnecessary weight, and toxic beings and experiences. I am allowing myself to see life with another and in a partnership with meaning and definition. My own defined fears and terms of single life, and issues within relationships, that would never be experienced by a single female who was committed to herself only. I value and love myself, even through out these times and tribulations that are being faced, but I never gave up hope that one day my love and life would be defined by one simple statement and act. With each experience and hardship faced I have grown and become the person I am set to be.

So enters the man whom I have loved from the start of my adult life. The man who has imprinted within me. The man whom I call my lover, and bestfriend. I let him go because I could not understand the condition and terms of my relationship with him. I let him go out of anger and not once, but several times, but yet he has come back to me. Has he come for me? Can I wishfully hope that he will save me from me, and our love would have with stood time and distance? Yet I know there are changes that are to occur. There is a decision to be made about me, him and us. I am just now scratching the surface of this relationship.

Lesson Seventy Five:
Learning to let love be. Learning to acknowledge the hurts and the pain and genuinly move right above it all. I am flying high, but never too high too not take it all in. Gracious and thankful for each experience.


Popular posts from this blog

A lover's death with the past

It was ALL a Dream : Fade To Black

The Unthinkable: I'm losing Myself...