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Showing posts from 2010

Dreaming of and about YOU……

Putting in place our goals, inner desires and most prominent needs and wants; appears to be the appeal for the start of a new year. I challenge myself to dream a lot more. Experience and feel all, all that is meant to be received. I will not put in place or plan any experiences, or negative moments and people that are not a part of my higher plan and mission. The mission and long term plan is of having that relationship that isn’t exactly perfect, but it closely resembles perfection. The experience of a partner who acknowledge and listens to you. A partner that knows your likes, dislikes and maybe’s. A partner who is physically, mentally, sexually, spiritually, verbally engaged by you (and vice versa), that there is no other someone, moment or experience wanted, needed or questioned for. To awake to your best friends, confidant, lover and loved one is all everyone needs in this ever changing thing called life.

Turning point……..
So putting in place an image of the most sought after love…

When the all smoke is clear and the signs are to be seen……..

No matter how much you tell yourself something is not a good idea, fit, look, want, need and desire for you; we are still left with heart circled eyes and an inkling of hope or desire for the situation to amend itself before it heads further down the drain. The situation could be an assumed more than friends’ relationship. Yeah you two mutually like each other, however, it‘s more one sided than ever. Or perhaps you notice your personal scheduled has become seriously busy and occupied, and it continues to prevent meet ups and dates from occurring from time to time with your lover. However, a consistent doldrums’ of your lover’s tone of busy all the time further inclines me to let it stray. GO and be done with already feelings!
The meager attempts to occupy your time and refrain from the messages and calls and any form of contact with your in question subject of attention and desire, you find yourself thinking of being with them, and missing the smallest thing about them. There scent im…

Remember a time………

The late night calls and text messages I use to wait for. When I didn’t get a response or reply from my significant other I was jonesing for, I would text you. Not call, or inquire about how your day was or what you were up to for the evening, but call for where you were sleeping at for the night. I would not reach out or want to know anything further than how much and well you would receive and please me. You meant no more to me then the numerous missed calls with your name ever so present as the identifiable caller. My day would go so bad and end up so long. The evenings stress progressed into my nights stress, but one text and send button press and you were there. How I loved laying down and looking at my ceiling wondering “Should I shower and even give him the glam time, or should I just spruce it up”. Mad with hurt and anger from my disappointing romantic interests responses, sardonic and even mischievously pleased with your quick reply. Oh How I love attention……
As I wrote this p…

Knowing exactly what you want……

Having the ability to identify your wants, needs and desires is an amazing feat. I say this because not too long ago I knew what I wanted to have in my life, in regards to a prospective mate and life partner; however, I went about the assumed process the wrong way. One will never change their individual wants and needs and desires if we choose to settle for less then what we bargained for. I always hear that it’s best to be in a relationship regardless of all the circumstantial evidence of why this relationship really is a hazard for you. We are pushed by our friends relationships be it dating, married or the assumed on/off love marathons. We visually ingest all of societies assumed reasons for why we need to have a relationship. Singlehood and for that matter single life is deemed an unhappy time and experience in one’s life. So we gravitate to anyone who fits our most basic needs. We glide to anyone who looks at us with a smile. A simple wink and acknowledgement is all we need to ca…

Fresh face, best foot and self forward….

The energy and time we spend getting all dolled up and designed and perfumed down for a first date, should be the same energy we carry into our everyday getting up routine and experience. Today as I awoke I thanked everyone for the beautiful chilly AM, and for the ability to see another day to transform me. As I got up from bed I noticed that the shower water was not as warm as I would have liked. I could have easily skipped the shower (quick wash up) and put anything on and made my way out and about to work, however, I decided to make the best of this situation. I imagined I was out in the Rockies in the midst of the winter season. I imagined I was washing up in the coldest river ever. As I began washing and cleansing my body from the night sleep, I envisioned your eyes on me. I felt your touch and lips on my cheek to my neck, down my side and gently kissing the indent of my hips to pelvic bone. Hmmmm……. What a way to break the actual feeling of the cool water on my warm to hot skin!…

Trust in YOU

Familiarity with situations……

So as times progresses and changes and situations increase or decrease, I am paying so much more attention to matters at hand. First and foremost I am learning more about me, and my needs and personal wants and desires. I am learning to enjoy my own company and sit still with me. Anxiety and paranoia at times seeps into the mind. Why? Being so comforted and content and set in a way that completes me so brings up worry in the areas of you. Will I be able to accept you in my life? Am I willing to accept you in my solitude of times and state? Will I revert back to old ways of thinking? Will I lose me? I have worked so hard to sustain myself. I have worked even harder with acknowledging myself worth and also love for myself. Once these gray clouds starts treading into my mind, I become anxious and nervous all at once. I think about the maturity, and the self success that I am experiencing. I am finally accepting former faults and failures with open arms and a …

Crash into me

By chance would you happen to remember the steps of an enchanting game, a game played by two willing individuals who are looking for love, romance and the intoxicating and tender moment? I recently learned that I love for my feet to be touched and embraced and rubbed in such an up down stroke, it resembles the Passion play my hand would have on my lovers most desired manly feature. I also learned that I love a tender behind the ear and straight to my next kiss. A kiss that would linger and burrow into the hollow of my neck, leaving me no time to catch my breath. Side by side, entwined into his middle, my full body thrust tightly to his full body. A sweeping sensation up and down of my arm. Light gentle touches in a circular motion on and around my swollen and full breasts. Passionately awaiting your entrance inside of me. Passionately awaiting your hard to tight, slow to fast, pit of my tummy, nerves binding and bunching feeling.

Day dreaming…..
While I am at work I envision coming hom…

The essence of knowing your intimate self…..

It is so easy to compliment and pay so much attention to your interested lover or partner of choice. It is so visually appealing to know every detail and intricate design of our chosen lover(s) most physically appealing and sensually stimulating features. Oh how it feels when you are about to engage in your all time favorite physical connection of choice with your lover; it’s as if you’re anticipating an already decided game. You run each feature and touch rapidly through your head. You have already engaged in the play-by-play verbal entrancing and simply intoxicating sounds; from moans to desired positions of passions or urgent pleas of completion being beckoned, one would say you are your lover’s keeper. The director of your lovers mind and body, instructionally orchestrating your desired outcomes and intentions of passion and pleasure. As if you are finishing the final strokes to an erotic and artistic masterpiece.


I love your smile…
I enjoy my mirror like never before. Whenever I g…

Now is the time......

Endless dreams……….


Realizing that life is made up of many venues and detours continues to enlighten me. Realizing that I can and will do perhaps any and everything I set before myself allows me feelings of completion and blessings to bestow upon thee! I am in a complete state of thought, nirvana and perhaps amazement all at once. I don’t have to chase or be chased. I do not have to wait for someone to enter my life and brighten the clouded moments or gray areas. I am neither independent nor dependent on romantic, love lessons and experiences; I am aware of interdependence and embrace it. In fact I champion the ability of one being able to decipher their emotions, partner’s emotions and then incorporate the two into an intermixed succession. How I wish I knew all of these feelings and moments years ago……..

I rise and fall, but make steady headway and progress……
So looking at life from a new perspective, I view. I am a lot more gracious, and also obvious of the now. No longer am I transcen…

Eyes Wide open.

So where do I begin…….

Time and distance and life in general to open up before me remain a challenge. Anticipating a change or a challenge is simply a burden to the unkempt mind. I am forever thinking of the next thing to do and attempt and escape normalcy at all times. Perhaps life is positioning me to the point of simple compliance, which in my nature does not exist. So I ask myself several questions……..

Was it a dream…..?
Perhaps everything that was said in between really didn’t mean a thing or matter. I assumed and expected so much more from you. I have no idea why I felt things would change or transition into something beneficial for us two. As I write this I wondered if you really cared, or was you like everyone else in my life; so tempted to taste and tease and experience anything further in mind and thought processing was not an option. Did it occur to you that I actually have feelings? Then I think again to myself, why would anything beyond yourself and individual feelings occur…

Relax your mind.....

Does it really matter?

So as they say, “Let the day go on and forward”. I am allowing the day to go on and in fact to go forward. Forward to whichever way it decides to go. I have no set plans, and I am not allowing myself to materialize any plans out of thin air. Assumptions and thoughts will always consume and engulf me; however, today I am letting them rest in the back seat. I am actually allowing myself to face some of the fears and doubt and questions I have in regards to how I am feeling emotional, mentally, physically and sexually at this time. Each questioned category will need an extended section to individually speak about; however, this time right now is not the time for that particular session and experience. So…..I embrace the unbalanced feelings, the feelings of confusion. Simply and utterly lost in the whys and what now, possibly or maybe not? Perhaps it all was a dream, a damned good dream I may add, however, everything is worth experiencing.

Didn’t you…..
So I told you w…

Letting the wind hit my face……..

Over the past few weeks, my life has transcended many levels. Some good, some bad, sad; then some simply magical-fantasy ridden experiences. Initially I begin with the fluctuations of my moods and my need to be independent from all. My fear of being caught in the midst of my emotional upheavals and doubt. I can honestly say that my heart has trembled with confusion and excitement and genuine surprise these past few weeks. I have learned many valuable lessons all in such a short span of time. They say time is of essence; however, time not experienced and lived is of deprivation to one’s mind and soul. I allowed myself to peak outside of those invisible barriers and life borders I drew up. Written in a world of turmoil, love lusting lost as never before. I decided to take my shades off and just be. Just be what I know I am and can never change for. I allowed myself to smile and embrace a gift of companionship and company. To be viewed by another as a good companion, someone to talk and…

Opening Doors-

Building Blocks of Life……

So here I am again starting to rediscover me. Times have been fairly tough; however, I have excelled and made it through. I continue to revisit the past experiences, not necessarily out of want, but a desire to know these experiences much better and personally. I have decided that uncovering the pain and raw emotions will allow understanding of patterns and past ways and behaviors to be released, acknowledged and healed. There is nothing I want more than to know where and how I went right and left, and why I chose these paths. I want to know my behavior and embrace it. I am allowing myself to take responsibility for all of my actions. I am allowing myself to further embrace ME! So far I have learned that I have a lot more strength and courage then I previously assumed. I also am more accepting and not overly critical of myself and the choices I have made. Each experience I have received is laid out before me in my journal entries and writings. I am blessed to …

Like the Phoenix I too have risen-

Hello My Name is…….

So it’s as if you are starting all over and fresh to the world. It’s as if everything that you once knew, no longer is familiar to you. It is as if everything is wiped clean and clear of all. These feeling and many more feelings that would creep up within me, would overwhelm me and drown me in my own personal sorrows. I would then dwell on the past, all the slights and the hurts and go through the many stages of anger to depression. Seemingly, my weekday and weekends would appear to be uneventful and something I was not looking forward to. Conversations with family and friends, would no longer fill the void and hold the interest as once before. A deep void and dread would overcome me……..It seemed as life would never get better, but it did. Life has become an empty canvas. I am painting each day and life lessons into my canvas. Loving life and appreciating my life more. I value my time, and also, each person and experience as never before. No longer am I fixated on …

A calming point.......

When it's all said and done......


Realizing that all the energy I put into wanting to get to know you, and care additionally about you; I soon began realizing that I am wasting time and much needed life air. So when it was all said and done for me, I soon began releasing you from my system. A passion of mine to experience and go through and do, whenever I am stressed out or in a whale of a mood- is my journal writing and reading. Reading takes me to places I have never dared to venture. I am exposed to the circumstances of my author and the characters I choose to inquire about. During this time, I’d say a week, then two weeks and now almost three weeks; I have not engaged in any harmful (lusting after you, calling you or texting you continually) activities. I continually dream about you, touching, tasting and teasing you, but I instantly awake and reality comes into full exposure. So this is what it means and feels like in regards to a physical detox. A cleansing of the body, but a…

Being Honest With Yourself

Being honest with yourself…….

So I have come to the conclusion that I cannot appease and please everyone I have some sort of intimate type of relationship or contact with. I cannot be your all and everything, umbrella in the rain, woolen jacket in the winter time, because I have no affinity for you. I say this with both nonchalance and subtle regret; for I appreciate you in each and every way, but I have reopened that chapter of possibly maybe with you and drew a blank, and then I close it with ease. Ease in knowing that I am not forcing myself to build on friendly feelings. The friendly feelings that compel you to taste the waters of your friendship, to possibly see what is outside of this unique and attractive friendship. In reviewing how exactly our friendship became as such, I then become honest with myself and my needs and wants and ever changing desires. Our friendship initially began in a wave of emotional changes and transitions and interests. Our friendship also began at a d…

It's A Start

It’s a start…….

When reality settles in on you, there just isn’t no right or wrong way to accept the transition, or for that matter the return to normalcy. There is nothing or no one that will make this life transition go away. Not even if you came back into my life, and amended all the hurt, indecision and plan old confusing moments. I think our time together truly expired! So as with the modern day lyrics, and musical genre’s take on life and love within your life “On To The Next One”……am I ready for the next, the after and anything resembling the before? So I hold my head up and embrace the hurt, the fleeting moments of good times, and the continued build up and reminders of the not so good times. I will never say in any case that I didn’t truly enjoy my experiences with you, but experiences all alone are not entirely the glue that will bind and mend an already off kilter attempt at a relationship. Yes I admittedly stated that I was looking for something more than a good romp in my…

Pep TALK....Rally behind yourself.....

What is my mission?

I aim to please and please to aim? I value and desire this statement simply and truly! So I ask myself this question….what’s my goal and plan(s) from here? Where do I see myself going from here? I am blinded by no sense or source of direction. I am challenged by the fact that my feelings of displacement are ranging from low to high on a minute by minute basis. What am I moving on from? ….. Seems as if there will be a lot of resolving going on for me! So the mission that is presenting me from all sides with many endings and beginnings and middle parts is my possible closure or continuance with you. Although I am not afraid to face the fears and the unfolding events that will come from this and many other experiences…..I just know that it’s always a sense and a feeling one can never become too complacent with.

Choices……
So where do I choose to walk today and further on in my life. Why do I feel like I need to apologize for my closure and disregard for you and the “relat…

I am not Afraid.......I am Not AFRAID!

Unexpected positive reaction and responses……………..

So preparing myself for the down pouring of being and feeling hurt. I have already experienced these feelings too many times. You would think I was prone to the venom already; however, each new and fresh cut to the heart reopens old wounds. Sometimes running away or ignoring the pain and impending outcomes from acknowledging such a drastic change in ones life can result in a major melt down soon-to-be-seen. Such a meltdown is to be feared. I am vulnerable, open, and sore to the touch. I am shaken and upset. I cringe whenever I hear your name or think of and about you. I delete everything that ever validated your existence. I want to bleach clean my mind of you. Yes it’s that severe. It’s also important for me to function as so. Should I acknowledge the experiences with you, you will then exist forever in my mind and heart. You will not be something of a dream. How I choose to ignore everything that goes poorly for me in a dream like st…

You will never consume me........

Just when you thought I was down………..


As always there will be times when your emotions will literally take a choke hold over you! There will be times when you cry an ocean, and exert so much energy on ridding yourself of the person and experience; you totally forget how and why you allowed this incident and issue to consume you. There is never enough time in the day to do anything anyway, so why allow a person or relationship gone bad to ruin the precious experiences and times ahead. So with all that lovely jazz being stated I have devised a sure wind plan to get me back on my feet and ahead of this board game…..

Whenever I am down and if it is because of you I smile. I champion the fact that I and I only make me feel and experience and go through many changes in my life. Oh yes I allowed you to be apart of my life, but briefly you can be denied from my life. I will be upset, and I may shed a few tears, but I will never ever deny myself before you. I will hold my head high and speak vol…

Letting Love Vanish before my eye.......

To each his own……

There are many factors and possibilities in life. Life consists of so many roads, doors, stairways and so on. Tell me….how can I remain on a balanced and steady road. A road that does not struggle to remain straight. A road that doesn’t curve so much and turn so much. A road that guides me to progression and success. Where can one find such a road and place of stillness and contentment? Where?
My continued search and analyzing of the human mind, heart and soul. I say to myself daily if it is not one thing, then surely it’s the other. So as I opened myself to passionately shut you down, I closed myself to passionate poisons. I allowed my heart to venture in continuance of a me and you. I hoped that by time and distance you as space would be the filler I needed. I even fantasized situational occurrences in my mind, hoping and needing to know this is how you’d react and respond. When the time away and apart was acknowledged, and you appeared to have missed me, you came t…

Let me in..............................

Let me quench my thirst……………………


I was on your mind. I was on your mind. I would like to run that through my mind on and on again. I would LOVE to spell that out, write it all over the hallway and bathroom walls, go on the public record and state “Baby, I was on your mind”. Like water to a thirsty man…..Baby I was on your mind. Damn that felt good to hear and expel. The moment presented itself and it went very well. I am fortunate to have experienced that moment with you, for I knew you could have easily dismissed and forgotten me. You was too caught up with not feeling and caring to want to admit and express it. Why wait until now to relay this information to me? What I wanted once which was fast, I want to drink it slow. I want to allow the water to seep through my mouth to the back of my tongue, all the way down my throat and dribble all through out my body. I want to experience the sensation of knowing what I am getting, and each drink and swallow I experience and taste all of you. …

A challenge of sorts......

Putting it and YOU into action......

So the emotional up's and down's of the past two weeks have allowed me to take a lot of reflective moments in time and thought to capture the essence of my moment. I have concluded that it is okay to feel, and experience a situation or moment and release it. I am not to continually dwell and mope and become upset about something I can not control, channel or for that matter amend to how I would want it to be and turn out. I am for that matter a puppet to my own desires. So with that being said I am going to embrace time, patience and the feeling(s) of being in the moment. There is nothing better than well placed and experienced moments. I get a tingle of happiness and a rise of growth from rereading that paragraph. I am letting go everything that I assumed held me back in regards to my dating and relating romantic experiences. I am allowing people, and opportunities to present themselves for good, for bad and for all. SO if you want to say I…

With ease do I allow you to invade my senses......

So off to a new beginning?


Through the emotional overhaul and the up's and down's regarding the dating and relating factor, I am finally in a position to accept things for whatever they are and may be. I am finally in a position to open the flood gates, but not to tidal waters, but to a stream and flow of steady water. I was in a position when I damn near rebuked thee, but how could thee be the one of immediate and lasting interest to me. There is nothing that you can and can't do that will not interest me, although you pretty much allowed things to happen how you pictured. How is that I feel so extraordinary, but then at the same time I feel so leveled. I may want to say it has a lot to do with you, however, the complexity of not having one's way, and seeing that all relationships are not similar, but entirely different remains to be beneficial, as well as a positive experience for me. I can not compare you to my past relationships, nor can I snatch you up and just pre…

Taking the Super Hero role or Villian????

So it seems you have stumbled upon me yet again.......DECISIONS

It's as if it was all a dream. I really didn't think too much about you or the consequences of my actions. I really didn't think how you would feel before or after. I really did not think that you would come to matter, care or for that matter be a topic of desire and interest for me. I truly took your time and moment for myself and my pleasures only. If for being nice, and presenting good conversations, and outright acceptability of you....well I was just being ME. I was just assuming that you would go with the ebb and flow of the day and nights. I was assuming that "I had this", and that there was no reason why I couldn't control the matter, you, feelings and the emotional tides.......Am I sorry? Not really. I do apologize for the unexpected outcome and assumed behaviors. I do feel a way about how everything happened, and also, for my need to clear all by shutting you down and out. This is for th…

Tell me more.......

Simplicity at it's best???

So cutting the ties that have bonded me has never before been so difficult. Someone you are crushing on, and thinking and dreaming of passionately..... (Here comes a huge bucket of COLD WATER on your head) Wake up time! So although I declared war on my dating and relating life and resolved to actively seek solitude and celibacy rule, I have ventured to say the poisonous detox is starting. This is not the best feeling of even encouraging one to go through this torture of a withdrawal. Although I make and break myself, open myself to happiness and sadness, I know that this feeling and moment is just not for me. Where is my happiness, where the fuck is my rays of sunshine? How one concieve of so many cwhat if's in a day? It's like damned if I am, and I sure am! So with all of this said I continue to move forward and through this moment in time, although I appear stagnant. I see no positive changes, and my motivating factor continues to dim in the lig…

Day Dreamer

Going cold turkey or shall I say DRY TURKEY.....

My mind has remained focused on a self cleansing of sorts. To have the ability to renew my life in a positive way, by inviting positive people and experiences into my life, I can not and will not go wrong. If only when we write out everything, would it come to fruition after the last point and period. The day after a huge celebration and acknowledgement of change and transitions began with a bawling of tears. I cry for the failures, for the inability to see things through and for the inability to control and conduct myself in a manner that left and led me into better and positive situations. Then another emotion comes over me. Anger. Why the heck am I transitioning my life yet again. It seems as if constant change and fluctuations should be my first and last name. So when this emotions passes me over and I begin to settle again, I am left with ME feelings. This sense of cleansing and a sense of renewal and a start of something new is int…

To be Intimate or Not.....is that even a question???

Self assessments and a lot of time spent on thinking about dating and relating, the drama of misguided Cupid, love and affection and attention and so on and so on.....

A quiet Sunday spent in Brooklyn, in my apartment were all my dreams and thoughts attempt to come to fruition. I wonder to myself, why am I not in a serious relationship? Why am I casually dating with no regards to long term building, and also, why am I meeting people, whom I care for and am attracted to, but I see nothing further then right now. At times I deem myself selfish and such a pain in the ass to others, however, I can't help but feeling that overwhelming feeling of needing to be needed and wanted. It's so appealing and appetizing all at once. It's also the beginning of the end.

So I write this blog especially for myself. I need to see the written out meaning of my world and life in regards to dating and relating. I also need to let myself know that, although I deem myself a sexual being, someone who…

Can I live........

So I equate all the up and down feelings to my hormonial rages inside of myself. I can say to myself "This is why so and so is not feeling it at the moemnt" or perhaps I can pretend that it was all a dream, and all will be best and a lot better in the morning.

Is it me? No really.....is it me?
How can one reveal and show themselves to another without overwhelming the one of interest? When did being reserved, but readily interest become a problmed combination? How can one be SO busy, but yet freely and frequently doing their own thing? Is it for me to become upset, emblazend with jealously and anger as in "Why you aren't with me". At times I have to stop and gather myself and thoughts and think about all the hardships and experiences with those of interest in my life (romantic interest) that I have went through. It's as if you give and give, but yet you are the one to recieve. Or you may have that usual mixture of the person is interested in you more then you…