Dreaming of and about YOU……

Putting in place our goals, inner desires and most prominent needs and wants; appears to be the appeal for the start of a new year. I challenge myself to dream a lot more. Experience and feel all, all that is meant to be received. I will not put in place or plan any experiences, or negative moments and people that are not a part of my higher plan and mission. The mission and long term plan is of having that relationship that isn’t exactly perfect, but it closely resembles perfection. The experience of a partner who acknowledge and listens to you. A partner that knows your likes, dislikes and maybe’s. A partner who is physically, mentally, sexually, spiritually, verbally engaged by you (and vice versa), that there is no other someone, moment or experience wanted, needed or questioned for. To awake to your best friends, confidant, lover and loved one is all everyone needs in this ever changing thing called life.

Turning point……..
So putting in place an image of the most sought after lover one could dream of, let’s deal with our current realities at hand. I am wondering to myself about my single life, and making my most ardent attempts at understanding my relationships, resolving them as best as I can, and finally surrendering from old dating and relationships habits. We (I) appear to be continually be challenged with almost the same experience and relationship downward spiral of a fate. I see that I can no longer just sit back and watch the relationship unfold. I am just as responsible for the start, middle and outcome of the relationship. I am also aware that I should not feel guilt or a sense of letting my assumed partner down, because I don’t share or value their bigger picture and relationship dreams of and about me. So with that being said I am very pleased to announce my ability and moment in life of taking control over my situation, and owning up to all the endless possibilities of what could be or could have been, without getting suckered and sucker punched into something (relationship, romance) that I dare say I don’t want to experience or need in my life.
My second wonderment in life in regards to my single life will probably fall on my inability to let you go. Just when I am healing and getting better and really not communicating or reaching out for you, our connection (mind and body) severed by time and distant space. Time which has guided us, but now separates us, appears to not have entirely severed that cord. I day dream of you the majority of the time, I am not embarrassed in regards to my feelings and emotions and intensity of feelings, however, I am more left to my thoughts and imagination rather than physically be with you. I am disappointed more and more with you, but I have accepted the defeat and purpose of us never being. Slowly I fall in love with the idea of we and us, but it was all a good dream, and for this purpose only I know that I will care for you, however, I must let you go.


Lesson Thirty Five- Coming to…….
Closure and exposure are the hand and hand friends of a successful dating life and world. I am not afraid to be opened and closed to heal and then reopen to experience and continue to love more and more. My desires will not dissipate with the dew of the romantic doldrums and trying times. I am loving harder and learning more. I have found love and its healing and amending capacities in life.

When the all smoke is clear and the signs are to be seen……..

No matter how much you tell yourself something is not a good idea, fit, look, want, need and desire for you; we are still left with heart circled eyes and an inkling of hope or desire for the situation to amend itself before it heads further down the drain. The situation could be an assumed more than friends’ relationship. Yeah you two mutually like each other, however, it‘s more one sided than ever. Or perhaps you notice your personal scheduled has become seriously busy and occupied, and it continues to prevent meet ups and dates from occurring from time to time with your lover. However, a consistent doldrums’ of your lover’s tone of busy all the time further inclines me to let it stray. GO and be done with already feelings!
The meager attempts to occupy your time and refrain from the messages and calls and any form of contact with your in question subject of attention and desire, you find yourself thinking of being with them, and missing the smallest thing about them. There scent immediately assails your space and you go into lingering and desiring for them mode. How is it so easy to just step back into wrong? Yes I said it……going back into bad habits. Habits that we swore up and down about no longer encouraging and regarding as important anymore. We immediately went into attack and put those feelings down action scene 100, because we know they were hurtful and resentful, and it served no actual purpose for our health and long term situation and current needs. So here comes the guilt truck, washing us down like the used and old car we feel like. However, this car just realized something…..instead of beating yourself up for being human and experiencing a human emotion and feeling , why not acknowledge the feelings?
Yes I said acknowledge the feeling!!!! Deal with it, don’t just shove it to the ground, double pad lock it in the forbidden thought closet, or swear on everything that it’s a thought that will occur ever 364th day, and not to worry. These feelings and more will continue to occur and happen, and aren’t easily washed away. Why? Because we are human. We think and breathe emotions. We crave a connection and a sense of history towards anything that brings back nostalgic moments. By embracing the memory, it does not mean we will go back into old habits, it just means that we are still dealing with the issue currently, and it has become prominent within our emotions center again.

How can we better deal with these feelings and memories? How can I resolve or for that matter is there any resolution from just a thought? The fear of just allowing something to creep into the mind scares us. It’s like going on the every year gym and diet change. We go great, but when the holidays come we attempt to not think about those moments, and we end up driving ourselves mad with not thinking tactics and techniques, then we totally go bonkers and fall off the wagon projecting a new start and date, and no mission accomplished but easily creep under contentment and backslidings welcoming covers…..

Well memory and nostalgia and moments felt and experienced from my previous loved to be in loved by lover thoughts……you don’t scare me. Actually you make me laugh. A mere expression caused so much mayhem and melt down moments. Madness I say! I embrace and invite you to be a part of at times my steamy night moments, perhaps I can put in a play of thoughts with you as well. How about I set the scene and it may remind me of a nostalgic moment, but it doesn’t have to include the forgotten lover experienced with. I control and conduct my emotions and feelings. I deal with them and will no longer run from them. There is no amount of hiding or running one could do anymore. Dealing and facing issues and allowing time to be the ultimate healer and concealor of all appear to be the best situation and resolution possible. I am blessed. I continually am learning how not to run and just go with the flow and deal with this every pressing steam pot called life!

Lesson Thirty Four- You remind me of…….
There is always a time and place for any and everything, but there never will be a recaptured time of the former me. The former me in regards to behavioral and thinking and thought processing a way of living and dreaming. I have changed and gathered all of these changes in one momentous moment. It’s time for me to reclaim my spot and stay on top and afloat of and above all.

Remember a time………

The late night calls and text messages I use to wait for. When I didn’t get a response or reply from my significant other I was jonesing for, I would text you. Not call, or inquire about how your day was or what you were up to for the evening, but call for where you were sleeping at for the night. I would not reach out or want to know anything further than how much and well you would receive and please me. You meant no more to me then the numerous missed calls with your name ever so present as the identifiable caller. My day would go so bad and end up so long. The evenings stress progressed into my nights stress, but one text and send button press and you were there. How I loved laying down and looking at my ceiling wondering “Should I shower and even give him the glam time, or should I just spruce it up”. Mad with hurt and anger from my disappointing romantic interests responses, sardonic and even mischievously pleased with your quick reply. Oh How I love attention……
As I wrote this passage I could not help but see the progress and self changes and transitions I have made. Not only do I see my coping skills, but I see the vicious cycle of healing the pain and dealing with the hurt. I see the girl I was and embrace the woman I have become. I have not given up on passion, but my response towards passion, love and affections have changed. Increased are my feelings and awareness of self love. Reading this passage, I could only see the anger, disgust and upset I was feeling for my once assumed in control situation. When I hurt I mended it with lusty passion. I cooled the heat of my emotions and temperaments. Instead of recognizing a chance to grow and develop and learn from my specific situation, I chose to isolate and numb the pain.

Reflective…..
Getting back at someone and being bitter will never resolve the incident and issue that occurred between you and them. Life at times throws wrenches into the kool aid mix, so we get lost with a purplish drink, with a rusty backwash tang. Tire do we become of the mindless and endless games. When will you learn to let it be and let it go? When will you cease the fighting and mindless moments, where you are left hurting more? When will you take responsibility and accountability for your reactions and actions in life? I have glanced, looked back and frame all of the hurts and moments of anger and simply uncontrollable rages. I have forgiven, and kindly forgotten these moments and moved right along. Tired of the stunted growth and movement. I am ready. I am ready.

Lesson Thirty Three: Take your time….
Finding forever is like finding right now. You aren’t missing anything any second less or later. A minute lost is a minute gained. A lesson learned is a life goal and value increased. Chances are we wrote all the hurts, slights and moments into our lives. It is now time to unravel the folds and deal with them. Take your time.

Knowing exactly what you want……

Having the ability to identify your wants, needs and desires is an amazing feat. I say this because not too long ago I knew what I wanted to have in my life, in regards to a prospective mate and life partner; however, I went about the assumed process the wrong way. One will never change their individual wants and needs and desires if we choose to settle for less then what we bargained for. I always hear that it’s best to be in a relationship regardless of all the circumstantial evidence of why this relationship really is a hazard for you. We are pushed by our friends relationships be it dating, married or the assumed on/off love marathons. We visually ingest all of societies assumed reasons for why we need to have a relationship. Singlehood and for that matter single life is deemed an unhappy time and experience in one’s life. So we gravitate to anyone who fits our most basic needs. We glide to anyone who looks at us with a smile. A simple wink and acknowledgement is all we need to carry on further to the basics of dating and relating 101. Our need or assumed need to want to be in a relationship, situation or just occupied by the interested and entertaining opposite sex (same sex) conditions our minds far away from our initial wants, needs and desires.
“I know that I need a strong person. Someone whom can hold their own and stand beside me; not in front or behind, but right next to me.”
Corrupting old ways…….
An initial meeting with someone does not determine or negate a relationship. Having texted, instant messaged or emailed, Twitter followed, Face Book status message liked or daily page comment negates a relationship. Going out, and experiencing each other’s culture, friendship, personality and likes and dislikes negates the start of a friendship, with impending ideas and possibilities towards developing a further romantic future and relationship. As an adult we must face the reality of sex and how sex has positive and at times negative meanings associated with casual sex, dating and relating.
Ideas on Casual sex:
I am not approving or denying anyone’s assumed sexual experiences, however, for this matter I am only focusing on my personal experiences and instances in my life where I deemed casual sex as a good thing, and then again not so good thing. At times we think with our most intimate and private parts. We become so spun and hot and bothered over our attractive interest that all morals, principals and self signed and sealed responsibility act falls out of the window. If you are looking more toward the future and stability and getting yourself and personal life passions adjusted, casual sex will not get you anywhere for too long.
“I may have loved you passionately throughout the night. I may have guided you more than once inside of me. I may have kissed and looked at you deeply so, but all I was and could ever be to you was a flame fading out in the wind.”

Lesson Thirty Two: More than a lover….
I will meet you my friend. You will enter my life at a point where all is balancing and moving forward. I will embrace the concept of many failed attempts and mistakes at the dating and relating experience, however, I am not bitter or soured on future relationships. I have gathered a respect and self fulfillment on achieving happiness. You will knock, I will answer.

Fresh face, best foot and self forward….

The energy and time we spend getting all dolled up and designed and perfumed down for a first date, should be the same energy we carry into our everyday getting up routine and experience. Today as I awoke I thanked everyone for the beautiful chilly AM, and for the ability to see another day to transform me. As I got up from bed I noticed that the shower water was not as warm as I would have liked. I could have easily skipped the shower (quick wash up) and put anything on and made my way out and about to work, however, I decided to make the best of this situation. I imagined I was out in the Rockies in the midst of the winter season. I imagined I was washing up in the coldest river ever. As I began washing and cleansing my body from the night sleep, I envisioned your eyes on me. I felt your touch and lips on my cheek to my neck, down my side and gently kissing the indent of my hips to pelvic bone. Hmmmm……. What a way to break the actual feeling of the cool water on my warm to hot skin! So as I envisioned this scenario, I also envisioned my ability to put my best self forward. I took my time with my hair, and make up and getting the correct perfume scent on for myself for the day. I took care of me, and met all of my needs and was extremely attentive to making my moment felt and experienced right. I feel as if everything started to align itself for a positive and awesome day. Constantly thinking and always in the throes of a new topic, I decided to speak on one’s ability to not make time for certain occasions, and things (people) but make these times and moments a daily experience. There are times when the sweat pants and hole in the shirt feels just about right, however, jazzing it up and making yourself feel simply amazing is what matters the most, and something that you can do in a matter of seconds. The food for thought figure is just how far we as individuals go to appease and appeal to another, when we hardly go through the motions of appealing and making ourselves feel good on our own. Long ago it appears are the days when I present myself as a gift for you. For you to open and plan out just exactly what this package of me will be. Long ago and far behind are the days when I concern myself with what you think and say and view of and about me. I opened my own package this morning and I was delighted with my self surprise.

Dreaming a sensual dream…….
Surrounded by you, all of you. Passionately teasing my senses with your scent and masculine smell. A smell that is so intoxicating it reminds me of night pleasures. Passionate and sweet are your words to my ear. Caressing and binding is your touch to my body. Intricately and detailed is your sex on me, and inside of me. Fully satisfied and situated are my mind, body and soul to the contours and folds of you. I embrace everything that you have shown and taught me, teasing me so until I can’t speak. I am engulfed and emblazoned by your passionate desire and need to take over me. For that I speak only love for you. A need and desire that grew from beyond our intimate moments spent together. For you never knew I imprinted my desire for you on the first day I saw you. I took in your size, your stance and your rise. Steady was your walk, and confirming was your grip on me when we crossed blindly in the endless rain ridden streets. I then knew I would be dreaming for and of you…….


Lesson Thirty One- Slowly untie your belt……
I am feeling more free in mind and soul and sprit. Ready to give my all to my needs and desires. No longer stagnant in thought and progress. I envision for everyone the better and the best, in fact as you read this I want you to look yourself in the mirror and slowly and sensually walk towards your image and just stare and say “Damn, I am so beautiful, sexy and talented and most of all I love and value me”. Sense of empowerment from personal pledges and self affirmations are the best medicine yet!

Trust in YOU

Familiarity with situations……

So as times progresses and changes and situations increase or decrease, I am paying so much more attention to matters at hand. First and foremost I am learning more about me, and my needs and personal wants and desires. I am learning to enjoy my own company and sit still with me. Anxiety and paranoia at times seeps into the mind. Why? Being so comforted and content and set in a way that completes me so brings up worry in the areas of you. Will I be able to accept you in my life? Am I willing to accept you in my solitude of times and state? Will I revert back to old ways of thinking? Will I lose me? I have worked so hard to sustain myself. I have worked even harder with acknowledging myself worth and also love for myself. Once these gray clouds starts treading into my mind, I become anxious and nervous all at once. I think about the maturity, and the self success that I am experiencing. I am finally accepting former faults and failures with open arms and a budding heart, however, this does not mean I want to repeat them or have them contending with my daily in’s and out’s. In fact, I assumed I extinguished them all with my new self outlook and love. Love for me and love for my life. As the panic and anxiety subsides, I then begin to realize that fear has stopped me many of times. Fear has not only kicked my ass, but it has put a long stand still to progress. Fear has paralyzed me from realizing my potential and upward successes, from small to large. Fear has talked me out of many experiences, potentials and probabilities. Fear has led me to believe that this will be the end result of an assumed situation. Fear has severed my head, to heart to soul connection. Well I no longer invite fear into my life. I extinguished that notion of being submerged by the darkness of fear.

So if I could suggest this joint relationship it would be like this…..
My space and peace and calm have always gathered through the most troubling and time consuming times. I have gathered myself, nerve and strength from relying on these factors in my life. Personally it’s my medication to quell the troubling times. However, should you enter my life it would simply remain the same, but you would be included in my resolve and return to me tactics. You would assist me with centering myself. I would rely on your convictions of making my experience the most valuable and best experience ever. I would turn to you not only as my lover, but my confidant and friend. I would look for you in times of success and strife, for you are my companion and you compliment all my needs. I am not afraid to surrender for love, but I will not submerge myself. I am aware that this is a two person situation, and that in order for us to become a success we must make our experiences the best possible experiences as of yet, however, we must take a note that we are two individuals entering into a relationship not to be molded as one, but to forge and solidify our path as a whole. I am not losing me, and neither are you losing you. We are gathering ourselves to bind our souls together as the tying factor in life. Our love, friendship, dedication, trust and honor of each other will supersede the small notions and trying moments of life. Our mutual and pure respect will carry us to new avenues of dependence and interdependence. For I love and value you, and look forward to connecting and spending more time with you.
Lesson Thirty: Out with the toxicity and in with the clean love
As many times as I excused myself from commitment, found time to burrow in a hole of self doubt and pure unadulterated rage of failed relationships, I now venture on a truly positive and self loving experience. A journey as never before experienced with and for me. I invite everyone to challenge themselves in the name of true passion and love. Venture out and expose more of you, explore and dare to share more of you, but respect what and who you are and the successful person you are creating yourself to be, because although we would love to be born an amazing one, we must put all the pieces together. We (I) have to take life’s time to get to know you (me), in vigor and empower you (me) and most of all love who you (i) am, and am becoming.

Crash into me

By chance would you happen to remember the steps of an enchanting game, a game played by two willing individuals who are looking for love, romance and the intoxicating and tender moment? I recently learned that I love for my feet to be touched and embraced and rubbed in such an up down stroke, it resembles the Passion play my hand would have on my lovers most desired manly feature. I also learned that I love a tender behind the ear and straight to my next kiss. A kiss that would linger and burrow into the hollow of my neck, leaving me no time to catch my breath. Side by side, entwined into his middle, my full body thrust tightly to his full body. A sweeping sensation up and down of my arm. Light gentle touches in a circular motion on and around my swollen and full breasts. Passionately awaiting your entrance inside of me. Passionately awaiting your hard to tight, slow to fast, pit of my tummy, nerves binding and bunching feeling.

Day dreaming…..
While I am at work I envision coming home to you. I love your smile. Your scent, your laugh and also your ability to appear shy, but in control of yourself and feelings at all times. I would love for you to come home to me, while you await our evening conversation I am singing over a love meal, being prepped and prepared with my all. For you I wait on you and eagerly listen and open up to you. I smile because although we had a long work day we still made it through for an evening and night that is exclusive to only me and you.

Twenty Nine: Let passion and love reside…..
Although we go through heart ache and break up’s and overall strife and hard times, we are able to survive and maintain ourselves. We are able to envision and dream major dreams. We are still romantic and lovers at heart. Never letting life or anything resembling a trouble moment come in between us. Although I have fallen, I continue to rise. I love me. I love you, and for that we will continue on through. Passionately and more pleasurable as before.

The essence of knowing your intimate self…..

It is so easy to compliment and pay so much attention to your interested lover or partner of choice. It is so visually appealing to know every detail and intricate design of our chosen lover(s) most physically appealing and sensually stimulating features. Oh how it feels when you are about to engage in your all time favorite physical connection of choice with your lover; it’s as if you’re anticipating an already decided game. You run each feature and touch rapidly through your head. You have already engaged in the play-by-play verbal entrancing and simply intoxicating sounds; from moans to desired positions of passions or urgent pleas of completion being beckoned, one would say you are your lover’s keeper. The director of your lovers mind and body, instructionally orchestrating your desired outcomes and intentions of passion and pleasure. As if you are finishing the final strokes to an erotic and artistic masterpiece.


I love your smile…
I enjoy my mirror like never before. Whenever I gaze into the mirror I see a different me. Sometimes I see my focus and determination to see a goal or something I am pulling or appeal for come to fruition. Sometimes I see a beautiful assured woman who has boundless responsibilities, but throws all care and caution to the wind. At times, I see a heart broken and tear stricken face of a woman that has loved too many times, lost endlessly, but never ceased to crack a shaky smile. The more I invite myself out to play, the more I see the unlimited potential. Learning more about myself and engaging more of myself and expecting more from myself, continues to afford me many intimate self awareness moments of myself. I am learning how to see me. Visually appealing, and clear to all views from me.

So it begins….

Self love and knowledge appears to be just as intoxicating as ever before. It appears as if falling in love with oneself resembles the loving experience of falling in love with someone else. I feel as if getting to know myself more intimately matches the same feelings and expressions of one’s feelings entangled in the dating and relating realm. I am enjoying these feelings and moments more and more, more so than ever before, because I am ready to acknowledge these feelings and appreciate them more. I am ready to love myself like no other, by burgeoning on my desired love.

Lesson Twenty Eight: Sometimes we have to seek to be found out……
Always looking to someone else for acceptance, guidance and courage. Always running from opportunities to place you forward, by playing background fiddle. Never excelling above and beyond my most vivid and wild dreams from fear of acceptance and appeal to everyone who critically judges and misguides me. Never before have I embraced all of these spoken negatives. I am ready.

Now is the time......

Endless dreams……….


Realizing that life is made up of many venues and detours continues to enlighten me. Realizing that I can and will do perhaps any and everything I set before myself allows me feelings of completion and blessings to bestow upon thee! I am in a complete state of thought, nirvana and perhaps amazement all at once. I don’t have to chase or be chased. I do not have to wait for someone to enter my life and brighten the clouded moments or gray areas. I am neither independent nor dependent on romantic, love lessons and experiences; I am aware of interdependence and embrace it. In fact I champion the ability of one being able to decipher their emotions, partner’s emotions and then incorporate the two into an intermixed succession. How I wish I knew all of these feelings and moments years ago……..

I rise and fall, but make steady headway and progress……
So looking at life from a new perspective, I view. I am a lot more gracious, and also obvious of the now. No longer am I transcending from place to place and moment to moment. I am gathered for each and every experience. I value your incorporation and stance within my life. Formerly I would think I am for me, and you are always for you; slowly I suck you into me and loosely I see me. Afraid and lost and alone I become. Never before Have I openly admitted my romantic failures and fears and as of recent trials and tribulations. I must free each and every experience. For each string that becomes unattached I walk further.

Lesson Twenty Seven: Embrace Maturity
Never was a time when I didn’t fear from change and transition, however, never was a time when I didn’t embrace transitions and challenges as I do today. Allow difference to enter your life and path. Take change by hand and boldly face forward and walk. Through caution and care to the wind at times, but hold steady to long term happiness and personal fulfillment and self contentment. Life is meant to be experienced. Amen!

Eyes Wide open.

So where do I begin…….

Time and distance and life in general to open up before me remain a challenge. Anticipating a change or a challenge is simply a burden to the unkempt mind. I am forever thinking of the next thing to do and attempt and escape normalcy at all times. Perhaps life is positioning me to the point of simple compliance, which in my nature does not exist. So I ask myself several questions……..

Was it a dream…..?
Perhaps everything that was said in between really didn’t mean a thing or matter. I assumed and expected so much more from you. I have no idea why I felt things would change or transition into something beneficial for us two. As I write this I wondered if you really cared, or was you like everyone else in my life; so tempted to taste and tease and experience anything further in mind and thought processing was not an option. Did it occur to you that I actually have feelings? Then I think again to myself, why would anything beyond yourself and individual feelings occur to you? Why would you consider reaching the realms of reasoning? Perhaps I expected more from you. Not perhaps, I truly did. You sold me a line or two. You milked everything I could possibly want and desire from you, but when all was said and done you left me just like each and everyone.

Uphill onslaught
Comparatively speaking it appears very hard to continue to think any differently. Although one may say transition ones way of thinking and thought process, it still remains to be the same outcomes. What exactly am I looking for one would ask? A major overhauling of the dating and romancing realm. What happened to the days of romance truly and purely pretty? A romance that would blossom in time and over time, something that was never not foreseen, but expected and desired for. What happened to being told that you are amazing as you and overly as you, and there is nothing else that the ideally in loved person would rather want to do, but with you and for you?

Lesson Twenty Six: Blind folds-
Never let anyone cover your eyes. Always lay a claim to each and every life viewpoint you may have. Never give anyone your stare or viewpoint gaze. Always have both eyes wide open. Expect the best and view all.

Relax your mind.....

Does it really matter?

So as they say, “Let the day go on and forward”. I am allowing the day to go on and in fact to go forward. Forward to whichever way it decides to go. I have no set plans, and I am not allowing myself to materialize any plans out of thin air. Assumptions and thoughts will always consume and engulf me; however, today I am letting them rest in the back seat. I am actually allowing myself to face some of the fears and doubt and questions I have in regards to how I am feeling emotional, mentally, physically and sexually at this time. Each questioned category will need an extended section to individually speak about; however, this time right now is not the time for that particular session and experience. So…..I embrace the unbalanced feelings, the feelings of confusion. Simply and utterly lost in the whys and what now, possibly or maybe not? Perhaps it all was a dream, a damned good dream I may add, however, everything is worth experiencing.

Didn’t you…..
So I told you what exactly I was experiencing through my eyes on that day. Did that surprise and overwhelm you? Were you startled as to how and why I became so passionate toward and for you at the very time and moment? Revealing these feelings and emotions appear to have afflicted me with doubt……I am thinking that perhaps I overly exposed myself to you. Perhaps I opened up a door that was cracked, but was on its way of widening up. Perhaps I think too much! All I can say is that I exposed my most intimate and passionate detail to you. I have allowed you to stitch a part of me to you. Forever, will be linked, but not as inanimate objects in time and space.

Life Lesson Twenty Five: All I am to become…..
At times we will not say the things that need to be said. We will not venture beyond the norms. We won’t raise our voice, or speak our minds. We will settle, and in this contended state we will forever be muted. All I am to become is somebody. All I am ever to need is me to seek out and search this somebody and embrace and love her forever more.

Letting the wind hit my face……..

Over the past few weeks, my life has transcended many levels. Some good, some bad, sad; then some simply magical-fantasy ridden experiences. Initially I begin with the fluctuations of my moods and my need to be independent from all. My fear of being caught in the midst of my emotional upheavals and doubt. I can honestly say that my heart has trembled with confusion and excitement and genuine surprise these past few weeks. I have learned many valuable lessons all in such a short span of time. They say time is of essence; however, time not experienced and lived is of deprivation to one’s mind and soul. I allowed myself to peak outside of those invisible barriers and life borders I drew up. Written in a world of turmoil, love lusting lost as never before. I decided to take my shades off and just be. Just be what I know I am and can never change for. I allowed myself to smile and embrace a gift of companionship and company. To be viewed by another as a good companion, someone to talk and experience life not through but with, appeased me more and more. Never before have I let go as much. I let alone all the pretention and preconceived notations about what exactly I am suppose to be feeling and experiencing at this and at the time I was experiencing it-moment.

You engulfed me……
I slept and you stayed with me. Form fitting to me so perfectly, it felt as if we molded and melded always. I slept and even snored, tossed and turned and perhaps was wavier than an ocean experience; however, you waded with me. I slept like never before. Well rested and content to just be in your arms. Passionately exfoliated by your tenderness and caring mode afforded more walls to come right on down. To be embraced and caressed like no other, and then passionately and tenderly dug into like no other, heat and fire all throughout me and transferring to you. Sweat, even tears of surprise and joy. Riveting was the experience. Emblazoned forever my passion for you………

They say no time is best as right now……
History does repeat itself, but lately it’s been fashioning an entirely new twist. This history lesson has allowed me to see growth and changes, and not necessarily stamp a path and or pattern down. History has allowed me to get over my resentment of not being chosen by you. Oh yeah, I held a grudge all this time. Even writing about it, I laugh to myself. I wondered and still wonder…why now? Why not then…..I am awaiting an explanation from you……However, I am listening and continually learning and am open to you. For I was closed off and looking for self this and independence that, but there is nothing like needing and wanting and needing to be needed by someone. I need and want that.

Lesson Twenty Four: A break from it all……..
Time is the ultimate healer and concealer of passions. Time also allowed growth and changes and life to continue to present itself. In time I have seen you grow and change, and from this I have gathered that perhaps there are many things that have stayed the same. Perhaps the break from it (us) all allowed us to coexist and make attempts at being.......

Opening Doors-

Building Blocks of Life……

So here I am again starting to rediscover me. Times have been fairly tough; however, I have excelled and made it through. I continue to revisit the past experiences, not necessarily out of want, but a desire to know these experiences much better and personally. I have decided that uncovering the pain and raw emotions will allow understanding of patterns and past ways and behaviors to be released, acknowledged and healed. There is nothing I want more than to know where and how I went right and left, and why I chose these paths. I want to know my behavior and embrace it. I am allowing myself to take responsibility for all of my actions. I am allowing myself to further embrace ME! So far I have learned that I have a lot more strength and courage then I previously assumed. I also am more accepting and not overly critical of myself and the choices I have made. Each experience I have received is laid out before me in my journal entries and writings. I am blessed to have the ability to have attention to detail and select memory experiences. So with that being said I am ready to start closing out old emotional charts and revamping and revitalizing new charts.

The build up….

When one door is closed it has always been said another door will magically open. Seemingly I would beg to differ, because I would assume that once a door is closed it becomes bolted shut and there is nothing anyone can do to reopen it. Lately, I have been experiencing a crack of light to these closed doors. I have become intrigued and interested in knowing why this door is starting to open up? Who’s behind these doors, and why the heck they want to revisit the past? Normally I would be very critical and skeptical. I would instantly jump into questioning mode and doubt any and everything someone would say. There would always have to be a reason why (for me) this door must remain closed off. There would always be a reason why things could never resume, and should they resume; why in the heck would I want them to resume? Leaving everything in the past and all….. Well recently my thinking and logic has become clouded. I am actually reviewing the past, and also, expressing an interest in opening these doors up. I am not entertaining upsetting and disconcerting thoughts. I am not allowing negative experiences and present disappointments to weigh heavily on my choices. For once I am free as a bird and allowing the wind to dictate my directions. Open mind…Open Heart….

Lesson Twenty Three: Slowly but surely my train is pulling out of the station!
Many a moons and bitter nights I sat wondering and waiting for life to intervene. Little did I know life was waiting for me to get my act together! Life is an experience and amazement to all who cherish and experience it faithfully. Life is not meant to be wasted on one or sadden points and moments. Life is to be lived and expressed and truly valued! Each day I get strong, the better my affinity and admiration for life and all existing within it.

Like the Phoenix I too have risen-

Hello My Name is…….

So it’s as if you are starting all over and fresh to the world. It’s as if everything that you once knew, no longer is familiar to you. It is as if everything is wiped clean and clear of all. These feeling and many more feelings that would creep up within me, would overwhelm me and drown me in my own personal sorrows. I would then dwell on the past, all the slights and the hurts and go through the many stages of anger to depression. Seemingly, my weekday and weekends would appear to be uneventful and something I was not looking forward to. Conversations with family and friends, would no longer fill the void and hold the interest as once before. A deep void and dread would overcome me……..It seemed as life would never get better, but it did. Life has become an empty canvas. I am painting each day and life lessons into my canvas. Loving life and appreciating my life more. I value my time, and also, each person and experience as never before. No longer am I fixated on just meeting simple needs and ends meet, I am working towards long term successful goals and healthy relationships. For each sad point in my life I say thank you. Thank you for allowing me to be able to see that this point in time was transitional, and it would not dictate my everyday and long term ideals. I thank you for placing each person in my life, be it a good experience or a negative one; for I learned how to take the whole meaning from such experiences. I am stronger now. I see now. I am grateful now. And it does get better!
So with newly found closure and self affirmations and personal confirmations, I am pleased to introduce you to me once again. The woman who loved so hard and so long and never let anyone, slight or burnt memory go no longer resides here. The women who waited patiently with her mate, who never waited for her, never valued her or for that matter cared about her the way she loved him no longer resides here. The woman who waited up at night for you, or stayed up at night with you knowing that I needed to rest and be up for work early in the morning no longer resides here. The woman who waited quietly as ever for you to accept and acknowledge me no longer resides here.
The woman who answers the door now remains open eyes and focused. No longer is her vision clouded and gray. No longer is she looking over her shoulder and waiting in the wind. No longer is she holding her head down from the in’s and out’s of your stresses during her day. No longer is she sacrificing herself, her needs and wants and goals to make your dreams come true. She has faith, determination and the ability to survive the hardest feats and struggles of them all. She has risen like the phoenix from her imposed ashes. Her grave is shallow and she has waded out of it. She breaths fire, and dreams big. Her lifewill revolve around herself, and everything that should matter to her. She will not wilt away. She will open the door and kindly greet you and say “Your time has passed. Move right along”. As she closes the door she yelps in the highest pitched tone ever!!! Knowing that she has succeeded, she has finally captured herself. Her spirit is free…..and meant to soar.

Lesson Twenty Two- I love myself
Tears flowed many of days. However, it never stopped me from acknowledging the learned lesson. The lesson was to look life right in the face and hold her by her hands and say to her “You will be ok, you’re in a rut, but there is a way for us to get out of here”. Guide and guard your life with all of your might. Never allow a moment to pass without thanking each and every experience, and then letting it go. Closure and beginning a new is a start of a bigger and better you!

A calming point.......

When it's all said and done......


Realizing that all the energy I put into wanting to get to know you, and care additionally about you; I soon began realizing that I am wasting time and much needed life air. So when it was all said and done for me, I soon began releasing you from my system. A passion of mine to experience and go through and do, whenever I am stressed out or in a whale of a mood- is my journal writing and reading. Reading takes me to places I have never dared to venture. I am exposed to the circumstances of my author and the characters I choose to inquire about. During this time, I’d say a week, then two weeks and now almost three weeks; I have not engaged in any harmful (lusting after you, calling you or texting you continually) activities. I continually dream about you, touching, tasting and teasing you, but I instantly awake and reality comes into full exposure. So this is what it means and feels like in regards to a physical detox. A cleansing of the body, but a cleansing of the mind and soul. Releasing of old energies and allowing new energies to resurface and breed blooming love and healing within my broken, withered and battered body. Disturbing, but something one must experience, not once, but several times in life and through out life. I tire of this experience, but each experience brings fourth a new learned lesson, which are all valued and if under appreciated, one will be susceptible to continually experiencing such events and happenings until it has been formerly resolved.
So I am in my resolution mode. In this mode I do know what I want and desire out of my life. I do know the type of relationship I am ready for, and the type of relationship experience I would value being in, however, I have not concluded the type of man I want to experience anymore……. This may sound surprising, because when asked “What type of guy are you looking for?” a list would almost immediately come rolling off the tops of our heads, however, I burned many lists and labeled many of wants, and sure as day and night; I never seemed to have gotten anything (descriptions, attributes or the main vitals) just right. I wrote about this fictitious man. A man who was strong, intelligent, taller than me (much taller), calm, cool and collected (yes the classic three c’s), drama free, family oriented, respects women, respects his mother and has an amazing life story coming from nowhere to somewhere, or being so humble to all the gifts given and received. I wrote about this man many years ago, I even wrote our weddings vows and depicted our story. This type of mystery man was the man I seemed to always want to seek and find and achieve (a super star of sorts). I have met many males that have touched this mystery mans characterizations, and many males that falter in comparison to one of the mystery mans characters, however, I have not met anyone who has taken on the role of this man……. So with that being said, I ask myself “What are you really looking for in life? Is it to continually put everyone in their appropriate boxes, or will something or someone actually come to fruition?” I answer myself back “I don’t know anymore”………

So where is the middle and ending……
Always looking forward and attempting to skim and skip everything in between. I want to rush to my fairy tale ending. I want to create, direct and film everything that has encouraged me to this moment, however, reality kicks in and life will continue to throw in many actors vying for that lead role in your life, or even actors attempting to steal your sunshine and leave you blinded by life. So I turn to additional reading and writing for comfort. I sleep on my thoughts, and awake to answers. I journal my theories and causes and I cry. I cry because I am not overly saddened, but I cry because I need that release. So everything is transitioning into a new phase. Everything is defining itself once again. Everything means meaning something yet again. The curtains come up…..show time.


Lesson Twenty One—unleash your passions
Never will I deny my desires, nor myself. Never will I second place my feelings and allow myself to become so enclosed in blind nothingness that I can’t escape. Be it good or bad, each life lesson is a lesson to be experienced and faced.

Being Honest With Yourself

Being honest with yourself…….

So I have come to the conclusion that I cannot appease and please everyone I have some sort of intimate type of relationship or contact with. I cannot be your all and everything, umbrella in the rain, woolen jacket in the winter time, because I have no affinity for you. I say this with both nonchalance and subtle regret; for I appreciate you in each and every way, but I have reopened that chapter of possibly maybe with you and drew a blank, and then I close it with ease. Ease in knowing that I am not forcing myself to build on friendly feelings. The friendly feelings that compel you to taste the waters of your friendship, to possibly see what is outside of this unique and attractive friendship. In reviewing how exactly our friendship became as such, I then become honest with myself and my needs and wants and ever changing desires. Our friendship initially began in a wave of emotional changes and transitions and interests. Our friendship also began at a distance and was soon to be bonded by our meeting. Our meeting was to be destined a romantic and unbelievable experience (in my books) however, it was entertaining and interesting, but nothing out of the norm (if you call meeting someone from one state to the next normal nowadays) of a regular friendly gathering. The only exception of course is the chosen and moments of interesting passionate. I wasn’t against it, rather I was entertained and interest piqued, and being a sexually exploring woman of the wind (as I see myself) my appetite was satisfied, but not necessarily thoroughly quenched. For we went our separate ways. As time passed on the relationship dissolved into my black book of for longed entries. So now you come back into my life without a clean slate (is anyone’s slate really clean?), and you expect me to acknowledge the past and the before, and to see reason in that intimate weekend? Could I see beyond the sheets? Could I imagine myself giving myself to you, solely not only for weekends, but for now and good? I teased my brains, I assumed the many possibilities and outcomes, but pure logic burned into my mind and heart. It was never meant to neither be, nor will it ever be or become. As hard and contrite as they sounds and seems, deep in you heart of many hearts you know it’s true. So I write this not as an excuse as to my why’s and the why not’s, but as a simple statement from my heart. Being Honest With Myself.

A breath and rush of needed air to the lungs……
Have you had that conversation with yourself? Have you really sat down and spilled your guts to you and only you. Knowing that the outcome of this rushed conversation may or may not be fitting for your ears, but it will resolve a lot of the issues and concerns and questions at hand. I had this conversation with myself just yesterday, and I realized two things…1) I am not ready for a serious relationship just yet 2) I really don’t know the experience of actually dating. Now I say to myself, all of the lovely relationships and constant people, and trouble I have gotten my heart into why would I say such crap! However, this crap in actuality is my reality. I am not ready to seriously pursue a relationship, because I am content where I am. With that being said I am not stating that I would not like to pursue someone seriously, however, I am saying I am working on me. Me as the person I am becoming and growing into. I feel that almost hitting thirty years of age I should have mastered these lessons and more, however, I am just starting. I remained defiant against my initial feelings and response regarding my relationship adventures, and it truly has been an adventure, however, I am no longer fighting the feelings. I am ok with being single, and pursuing my personal objectives and goals, while remaining in tuned to romantic possibilities. No longer wanting to lose a sense of me and my grounding. So I am happy that this heart to heart with me came at the right time. So although this realization seems great, I also realized another truth….I really don’t know how to value the concept of dating. Once I like you on the first date I am sold for life. Having the experience and continually building from it remains a battle in its own. Feeling my intuition is on point at all times, I factor those feelings in before actually experiencing or attempting a dating relationship, which I see and know is not doing me any good at all. So the new appeal and approach to date and actively date and not get myself into typical or causal experiences. I have a mouth and I have an opinion, so being vocal for good or bad will not stunt me, but catapult me into a new realm of understanding, dating and relating.


Lesson Twenty: Trust in YOU
Having faith, a believe set and value in something is awe inspiring and empowering. Why not have the same feelings and believe set within yourself? You trust yourself to get through the day and put your best foot forward, why can’t you trust in yourself when life changes occur from all aspects and every angle? Believe in you, for you is all you need. People will enter and leave your life, compliment and complicate your life as well, but remaining a steady grounded force will not falter your continued steps and progress.

It's A Start

It’s a start…….

When reality settles in on you, there just isn’t no right or wrong way to accept the transition, or for that matter the return to normalcy. There is nothing or no one that will make this life transition go away. Not even if you came back into my life, and amended all the hurt, indecision and plan old confusing moments. I think our time together truly expired! So as with the modern day lyrics, and musical genre’s take on life and love within your life “On To The Next One”……am I ready for the next, the after and anything resembling the before? So I hold my head up and embrace the hurt, the fleeting moments of good times, and the continued build up and reminders of the not so good times. I will never say in any case that I didn’t truly enjoy my experiences with you, but experiences all alone are not entirely the glue that will bind and mend an already off kilter attempt at a relationship. Yes I admittedly stated that I was looking for something more than a good romp in my room. I was looking for more than periodic dinners or the occasional call and check in. I wanted more then after midnight rendezvous. I wanted all of you. If by chance having some of you didn’t digest well with me, then you must see why I wanted and needed all of you. So as I right the wronged that became of us, I also visualize my needs and wants that will truly suit and devour me…mind….body….and soul.


Searching starts within me…….

“Hello love, I see you arrived back with another dent to the heart and another tale to state” “Yes, I have endured another battle with the mind and heart. Although the dent is an obvious reminder, my statement shall soon follow, but it’s not an embittered me. I actually feel as if I have transitioned from this experience.” “You will always learn from each moment and experience you encourage and encounter. For each failure you have achieved knowledge. You have grown true from each experience, and you also have obviously taken what you needed from that life lesson.” “I never really looked at my experiences as life lessons; I only viewed them as markers for continued failing moments in my dating and relating life. I am so fortunate to see clearly the changes and transitions.” As I closely looked at myself in the mirror, this conversation began with me without command or control. I finally was able to see the woman I am becoming. To see past the hurt, the disgust with the dating and relating experiences. To embrace my tears and dented heart, to never been truly discouraged or pulled away, because of fear of the unknown. I saw a reflection of an assured, confidant woman. A woman whom I claimed today.


Life Lesson Nineteen: Self talk…..

Never pass up the opportunity to counsel and guide yourself through a situation. Its great to have outsiders and friends talk, and listen to you, but sometimes the only person who will truly understand what’s going on is the person staring right back you in the mirror.

Pep TALK....Rally behind yourself.....

What is my mission?

I aim to please and please to aim? I value and desire this statement simply and truly! So I ask myself this question….what’s my goal and plan(s) from here? Where do I see myself going from here? I am blinded by no sense or source of direction. I am challenged by the fact that my feelings of displacement are ranging from low to high on a minute by minute basis. What am I moving on from? ….. Seems as if there will be a lot of resolving going on for me! So the mission that is presenting me from all sides with many endings and beginnings and middle parts is my possible closure or continuance with you. Although I am not afraid to face the fears and the unfolding events that will come from this and many other experiences…..I just know that it’s always a sense and a feeling one can never become too complacent with.

Choices……
So where do I choose to walk today and further on in my life. Why do I feel like I need to apologize for my closure and disregard for you and the “relationship” anymore. Why do I feel as if I am back stepping? Shouldn’t I easily let you and this experience go? Shouldn’t I feel compelled to flounce on and forward to a more positive outcome and experience? There are so many reasons for the why’s and the why not’s, however, I am not going to answer or attempt to resolve them all in one setting. All I know is that I truly like you…I ask myself why do I like you? I simply answer because I just do. I feel as if you have no idea what you will be missing out on (the relationship experience) should I truly walk away from your life. I feel as if I can save and help you, but then reality and recent experiences all hit me with “Girl don’t be crazy, you are no one’s teacher or savior”. I can’t lead you to water or make you drink from me. At times when I am feeling true and true weak and blue I must gather my strength and embrace myself. I must recall how many times I expressed and put myself out there for you to gather me up. How many times I attempted to eve save you from yourself, provided you with tidbits and snippets into my life, opening myself up for appraisal and acceptance from you. Continually you shut me out and down. My feelings were not spared. Your non caring ways and feelings towards me made and make it evidently clear that I am doing the right thing. I may feel hurt and upset now, but later I will be doing well.

Lesson Eighteen: PEP TALK
Self talks are the best talks. Sometimes we talk our way into stuff we have no business getting into. This time I choose to talk myself into my life reflective statements of upward mobility, and the ability to listen to reason and pull forward. For each falter my step improves.

I am not Afraid.......I am Not AFRAID!

Unexpected positive reaction and responses……………..

So preparing myself for the down pouring of being and feeling hurt. I have already experienced these feelings too many times. You would think I was prone to the venom already; however, each new and fresh cut to the heart reopens old wounds. Sometimes running away or ignoring the pain and impending outcomes from acknowledging such a drastic change in ones life can result in a major melt down soon-to-be-seen. Such a meltdown is to be feared. I am vulnerable, open, and sore to the touch. I am shaken and upset. I cringe whenever I hear your name or think of and about you. I delete everything that ever validated your existence. I want to bleach clean my mind of you. Yes it’s that severe. It’s also important for me to function as so. Should I acknowledge the experiences with you, you will then exist forever in my mind and heart. You will not be something of a dream. How I choose to ignore everything that goes poorly for me in a dream like state. When I awake, I could always blame it on the romance novels and movies. Don’t let me remember you………

I was wondering when you would arrive……..

So I closed my eyes and I was thinking about all of the things I do and don’t do. I was thinking how I could allow myself to fall back into yet another relationship and romantic trap. Seeing that I should have mastered this course a long time ago, it hurts to see myself repeat this life lesson. So I am expecting and awaiting doom and gloom. I am expecting the normal mood fluctuations I will experience. One second I will be overcome and exhausted by tear jerking and pulling feelings, the next minute I will be upset and angry at myself of all the signs (why I should have walked away from you) and moments I experienced with you that told me something about you and your life and obvious situation, however, I was too blinded by wanting to get to know you; I completely forgot the road and my many reasons of what I want and expect within a relationship; especially a relationship with you. Then lastly, I will question myself. Why wasn’t I the selected one of your interest? Was there something I said or did not say? Could I have possibly changed anything? Is this the end?
So many questions and thoughts flowing through my mind. It becomes very difficult to get along with my day (something I am use to doing in the past shutting down), I have the feeling of going home, shutting off my phone and being left alone. Left alone with the death trap of my thoughts…….

The Light shines………..RENEWAL-MATURITY—Ready for life
Relaxing my mind, body and spirit. Renewing and restoring my faith and belief in myself. I am not afraid to experience the romantic downs in life. I am no longer afraid to say that it wasn’t meant for you (the relationship in general) and I don’t pity or feel any ill feelings towards you, in fact, I wish you well. I wish you can heal and resolve that hole in your chest. I wish that you can find someone who will love you as openly and honestly as I. I know I deserve and am entitled to that kind of love no one could ever deny someone. I am ready for this love. So as I pass you through my mind, and heart; I reflect on the experiences and sensations and moments that we caused and experienced together. I smile and embrace this experience, but let it go. Like a dove flying away in the sunset I release you. Yes I will be sad and at times bothered and upset, but it will never overcome and overwhelm me. It will be a constant reminder of the love and feelings that are so powerful to me. I have imprinted on you.

Lesson Seventeen………..Closure is to be celebrated
Life is filled with many opportunities and experiences that allow one to close that chapter and open a new chapter or book. Closing a door or ending an experience can seem as a negative rather than positive experience, however, when you closed that door or ended that experience you were renewed. You’re since of continuing on and expecting and doing better for yourself and future experiences was validated. Look forward to change and transition. Look forward to new starts, endings and beginnings. Look forward to renewal, vitality and the start of a bright future.

You will never consume me........

Just when you thought I was down………..


As always there will be times when your emotions will literally take a choke hold over you! There will be times when you cry an ocean, and exert so much energy on ridding yourself of the person and experience; you totally forget how and why you allowed this incident and issue to consume you. There is never enough time in the day to do anything anyway, so why allow a person or relationship gone bad to ruin the precious experiences and times ahead. So with all that lovely jazz being stated I have devised a sure wind plan to get me back on my feet and ahead of this board game…..

Whenever I am down and if it is because of you I smile. I champion the fact that I and I only make me feel and experience and go through many changes in my life. Oh yes I allowed you to be apart of my life, but briefly you can be denied from my life. I will be upset, and I may shed a few tears, but I will never ever deny myself before you. I will hold my head high and speak volumes of who I am! Yes….WHO I AM! I am a woman who is proud to be passionate, exotic, determined, intelligent, vocal, loving and caring, and yes sexy as hell. I am the woman that caught your eye, read you that bed time story and put your ass to sleep. Oh you forgot all of that? I sure didn’t! So when it’s time to close your chapter and prepare myself for your supposed returns in my life I will have already detached myself from you and that experience. Far and few never. For you will be easily forgotten, as you were easily experienced……

Vixen or plain mean????

So as I write this blog there as always remains to be a romantic issue or definite influx going on. I would say at this moment the influx is the ability for one to see that hey there is possibilities and potential to experience and have a relationship; however, one must remain in constant jerk mode (not knowing that chivalry still exists) and sending dual messages. As always I tire of playing the psychic and Ms. Cleo. I tire of trying to figure you out and save you from yourself. I also really don’t like the fact that if I see so much potential and possibility with you, why can’t you value that vision and run with it? There is always confusion and constant up/down upheavals going on, however, I continue to entertain this issue and you, so obviously and at times unfortunately I am not entirely done or truly dismissal of you. So…..will I continue to entertain you, or go out on a shit load of dates and defy my wanting to get to know and slow you and your issues? Stay tuned….


Lesson Sixteen: Finding forever right now is a pain in the ass……
When did falling in interest and like turn into a major life issue and impending decision making experience. Relationship will never be easy, nor will they be easily sought after. The willingness to continue to survive and maintain your key qualities and components in your need and wants will determine your outcome. Unless you want a challenge!

Letting Love Vanish before my eye.......

To each his own……

There are many factors and possibilities in life. Life consists of so many roads, doors, stairways and so on. Tell me….how can I remain on a balanced and steady road. A road that does not struggle to remain straight. A road that doesn’t curve so much and turn so much. A road that guides me to progression and success. Where can one find such a road and place of stillness and contentment? Where?
My continued search and analyzing of the human mind, heart and soul. I say to myself daily if it is not one thing, then surely it’s the other. So as I opened myself to passionately shut you down, I closed myself to passionate poisons. I allowed my heart to venture in continuance of a me and you. I hoped that by time and distance you as space would be the filler I needed. I even fantasized situational occurrences in my mind, hoping and needing to know this is how you’d react and respond. When the time away and apart was acknowledged, and you appeared to have missed me, you came to me. As I opened my hearts doors wide open for you again, you drank from it and me. Embracing the sweet sounds and feelings of a floating and beating desire. A desire so deep and strong I have no name or calling for it, but just a feeling. A feeling that it’s yours. It’s you, and I am for you.
A day went by; a week went by and times seems readily flying yet again. Back to the before. Back to when I just could not stand to take you anymore. Do I shelter myself and heart? Do I cry and belittle myself for being weak to you yet again. Do I dare say to you in your face “Baby this is not for me, I a leaving it and you alone”. So many mixed emotions and feelings. So many racing thoughts throughout my mind. My heart is telling me to hold on and watch you grow. My mind is telling me you will never grow, you have it simple and so easy, why transition? I have written you a closure letter, I have vowed my celibacy. I have broken my celibacy and vowed my heart for you and its impending feelings. Why, I ask myself continually? If you know where this experience and situation is going, why bother? Why upset yourself further and delve into the unknown? Why continue to castrate your heart for a loved to never be received and reciprocated? Why?
As I look at the letters and words and sentences on this page, I can only say…….. That Why is what brought me to you? Curious as to if I am ever going to have that experience like no other. Curious to the fact that life is something to be seen, tasted, touched and heard. I am no stranger to hardships and hurt. I also know that when I am ready I will leave you alone. It’s already resolved within me that you are not for me. I always wanted you to see what the best in me is, so you could accept and develop an affinity and love for me, but who are you to judge me? You have no idea who I am, and as I can see, you have no reason or care to figure me out or care to figure me out. I am no longer hurt by you, by happy for you. I will not be upset or mad anymore for failed attempts at relationships.

Can we try again?........
Starting new and fresh always brings back the old and closed memories and people. A major fear and factor in resuming the past and picking up the pieces, is just how back in time is the past? Have we changed so much that there is nothing binding and tying? I ask myself, if you didn’t want me then, then how in the hell are you in love with me now? Do I really want to go back in the past? Is this experience something I am looking forward to? I have so many questions and yet no answers. In due time everything will be answered and resolved within and for me.

Lesson Fifteen: I release when I am ready…….
I can never hold on you. I can always hope that deep down inside and somewhere within you; you would change and come correct with me and my feelings for you. However, that is wishful thinking and life must resume and as they say “The show must go on”. So I have battled myself for weeks at a time and have resolved to let you alone and be. Life made an attempt with me and you. Life also closed off for me and you. Although it’s an experience in heartache, it was a needed experience. Let love conquer, let love vanish. Allow one to experience the good and bad, allow one to release all the sad.

Let me in..............................

Let me quench my thirst……………………


I was on your mind. I was on your mind. I would like to run that through my mind on and on again. I would LOVE to spell that out, write it all over the hallway and bathroom walls, go on the public record and state “Baby, I was on your mind”. Like water to a thirsty man…..Baby I was on your mind. Damn that felt good to hear and expel. The moment presented itself and it went very well. I am fortunate to have experienced that moment with you, for I knew you could have easily dismissed and forgotten me. You was too caught up with not feeling and caring to want to admit and express it. Why wait until now to relay this information to me? What I wanted once which was fast, I want to drink it slow. I want to allow the water to seep through my mouth to the back of my tongue, all the way down my throat and dribble all through out my body. I want to experience the sensation of knowing what I am getting, and each drink and swallow I experience and taste all of you. I don’t want to ever let loose and let go. I want to continue to intoxicate myself on your sweet juices. I am physically, mentally and sexually spent just drinking from you, imagine just exactly a full body, intimate, mind blowing experience would do….to me, to you, for me, for you. “Baby, I was on your mind”


Choices…………….

So life has a funny way of presenting itself; so I am thinking (as always) that perhaps my new phase in life is meant to enable me to be able to handle life occurring at different paces, and getting to know and understand all and everyone who is meant to experience life with me. However, I am getting a kick out of life, for you see life has not been overly kind to me. Life has allowed me to see the negatives, rather than feast from the positives; however, I have risen from all of life’s strife’s and misfortunes. I am blessed to have the ability to intuit life from many angles and perspectives. So this opportunity that is before me presents itself like this: I have the opportunity to watch and allow my feelings to brew and grow. Feelings that are normally inferno level of desire. Feelings that are and will always present themselves forward, because I am an emotional being. I live from my feelings. They awake and arouse me, they entrance and enthrall me, they allow me to see who you are and will be to me. They gather me up and fight for me, however, at times these feelings engulf and control and get the best of me, but I fight…..and transition on. So this choice and opportunity that has presented itself is getting to know you. Develop a me and you and not depend only on what I initially feel, for what I feel is to be true, then me and you will succeed as two. So I am using logic and then my heart. So with you I will keep the balance. I will keep the faith and hope that we can develop into a me and you. I am thoughtful and mindful that we will come together. I feel you. I dreamed of you, while lying next to you. You said to me “I love you”, and then I knew.

Taking a step and a stride……….

Walking the walk and the easy talk all in all has never and will never be for me, but making sense of the nights and days and the times and places and people in my life, we I am grateful and thankful to be afforded the many experiences and opportunities. Coming to you with a free and clear heart, mind and soul. If you ask me I’m ready.


Lesson Fourteen: Invite ME IN!
Life is meant to walk through your front doors!!! Let HER in! Although life presents itself in many factors, never give up hope that one day, just that one day life will align with all, and with all you will feel and be completed. I love life.

A challenge of sorts......

Putting it and YOU into action......

So the emotional up's and down's of the past two weeks have allowed me to take a lot of reflective moments in time and thought to capture the essence of my moment. I have concluded that it is okay to feel, and experience a situation or moment and release it. I am not to continually dwell and mope and become upset about something I can not control, channel or for that matter amend to how I would want it to be and turn out. I am for that matter a puppet to my own desires. So with that being said I am going to embrace time, patience and the feeling(s) of being in the moment. There is nothing better than well placed and experienced moments. I get a tingle of happiness and a rise of growth from rereading that paragraph. I am letting go everything that I assumed held me back in regards to my dating and relating romantic experiences. I am allowing people, and opportunities to present themselves for good, for bad and for all. SO if you want to say I threw in that white towel, or ran in front of that psychotic bull with a red flag......well you can say that!!


Starting over?.......

A fresh start? A start unlike any other? I am more aware and also current with just where I want and need to be. Although I can not forecast the future, or even predict the present, all I can do is hold on to the moral grounds and position in my life that I have held steadfast to. I know I can accomplish and achieve just about anything and everything, so why should I allow romance to be the FLU of my world! I also decided the take charge attitude just is not as easy and appealing as I once assumed. This attitude becomes upsetting and nerve wrecking when things don't go your way, and you are left to fend for your emotional self and own good. The approach that is winning the highest honors with me is coming across laid back, and just being and allowing life to present itself and open them doors wide open. This approach is so different and new to me, that each day I continually learn and gravitate towards the positive and good things from each calming experience, and for that I continually say how fortunate and grateful I am. So starting over, changing directions, finding my right now and not chasing forever all sums up my twenty nine years of romantic woes, up's and down's and down right crazy train experiences. I am allowing life to win, and take me by surprise.

Lesson Thirteen: Clearing the AIR!
Allowing yourself to say I have been there, done that, co signed and circled on the dotted line, and still no appealing life results allows one to say life I am ready. Having traveled many different courses throughout my life, and I am sure I have many more to achieve and travel through; this particular life course I am willing, openly and honestly accepting. PATIENCE

With ease do I allow you to invade my senses......

So off to a new beginning?


Through the emotional overhaul and the up's and down's regarding the dating and relating factor, I am finally in a position to accept things for whatever they are and may be. I am finally in a position to open the flood gates, but not to tidal waters, but to a stream and flow of steady water. I was in a position when I damn near rebuked thee, but how could thee be the one of immediate and lasting interest to me. There is nothing that you can and can't do that will not interest me, although you pretty much allowed things to happen how you pictured. How is that I feel so extraordinary, but then at the same time I feel so leveled. I may want to say it has a lot to do with you, however, the complexity of not having one's way, and seeing that all relationships are not similar, but entirely different remains to be beneficial, as well as a positive experience for me. I can not compare you to my past relationships, nor can I snatch you up and just pretend that all will be well. You are right; I don't know you too well. Why am I giving you my all and heart in one way and peace, why am I celebrating myself openly and honestly with you? Why am I keen to want to go far, but yet never slow down to exist. Why? I do this because I care. I do this because I want to get to know you. I am throwing and rolling out that red carpet, because baby I am yours. Although you want to go slow with me, and walk with me, I am still jogging ahead of you, just trust me and follow me. Would you let me let you listen and love me. Would you?


Patience........

So allowing me to grow and figure out the ways of the world and my time in this world is coming into handy. Perhaps it’s the added year of wisdom and blossoming I have gathered. Or perhaps it’s the love and affection from my family and friends that is allowing me to gather my inner strength and present myself in such a way that I can not be stopped or touched. I am only touched by those whom I allow to suckle me, not suck me. Suckle me as a sweet piece of berry you never touched before. Suckle me as if I am the honey that is begging you to try some more. Man, do I remember a time in my life when patience was my enemy, oh how I cursed her so. Well Patience I accepted your hand and welcomed you into my life. I have afforded you a ride into my nocturnal night. I have given up and drained myself of the pain, but picked myself up, screaming your name. Patience, you are my world and life, because without you I couldn’t survive another heart broken night. I am afforded your guidance and blessings, and you knew I would come around anyway. Thanks for waiting!

Taking a chance and a step......

You make me laugh and smile, and you make me nervous all at once. You make me think of the happy moments in my life. You give me strength not to mope or gloom doom around the house, but strength to move forward and on. I think and question and doubt naturally, but I transition those emotions and feelings immediately. I am happy that you entered into my life. I am excited and eager to get to know you. There is chemistry and an undeniable connection. I am excited and eager to see it comes to fruition.



Lesson Eleven.....Waiting isn't so bad
Although I would wish time past and make the clock speed up, I am asking for time to stand still for me. I am asking for my mind, body and soul to connect in unison for me. I am asking myself to remain patient and wait on progress. I am learning to smile, laugh, and giggle. I am taking my time to enjoy the simplicities of life. I am taking my time. I am taking my time.

Taking the Super Hero role or Villian????

So it seems you have stumbled upon me yet again.......DECISIONS

It's as if it was all a dream. I really didn't think too much about you or the consequences of my actions. I really didn't think how you would feel before or after. I really did not think that you would come to matter, care or for that matter be a topic of desire and interest for me. I truly took your time and moment for myself and my pleasures only. If for being nice, and presenting good conversations, and outright acceptability of you....well I was just being ME. I was just assuming that you would go with the ebb and flow of the day and nights. I was assuming that "I had this", and that there was no reason why I couldn't control the matter, you, feelings and the emotional tides.......Am I sorry? Not really. I do apologize for the unexpected outcome and assumed behaviors. I do feel a way about how everything happened, and also, for my need to clear all by shutting you down and out. This is for the best and the better, for I was only a moment in your time. Nothing to want, desire or need further. For I was your spoil.....throw me away before I rot you.


Perhaps being on top of the ROMANTIC world isn't so bad at all......

When does one loose reality and grip with a never ending situation or cause? When would one finally face the fact that, HEY this is life and it's a part of the growth process? When will one (I, ME, SHE OR HE) realize that games are trivial and are meant to be played at a caution and arms length away from the heart, for I have been the game inventor, and key player and I am already throwing in the towel. So I roll the dice.....I hit an odd number continually. Is that a good sign or is that a bad sign of life???
Going from being the text and call queen, to entertaining wanted guests at night, to the lonely, heart stricken, painful moments in my time. What a stretch one would say! From slights imagined, to actual beaten down betrayal; this game is no longer in tune and touch with me. I must quickly put it away.


So I ask myself.......

I was attempting to go this way, but I turned that way seemingly attempting to be neutral, but not overly extra. I ended up with more problems to care for. I pay you, and me and her no mind, because at the end of the day it no longer exists or troubles me. Going the straight and narrow does not exist; it consists of winding, strange and stronghold roads. Discipline myself one would say, buckle down another would say, but all in all, I change for not.


Lesson Ten: If you seek it, you shall get it.....
Always know that what you put forth will push you right backward. What you hold and hide in secret, will gesture and beckon to come out. What you render as useless will become priceless and up for many to grab. To not respect and take heed, will only lead to your departured time. CHOICES!

Tell me more.......

Simplicity at it's best???

So cutting the ties that have bonded me has never before been so difficult. Someone you are crushing on, and thinking and dreaming of passionately..... (Here comes a huge bucket of COLD WATER on your head) Wake up time! So although I declared war on my dating and relating life and resolved to actively seek solitude and celibacy rule, I have ventured to say the poisonous detox is starting. This is not the best feeling of even encouraging one to go through this torture of a withdrawal. Although I make and break myself, open myself to happiness and sadness, I know that this feeling and moment is just not for me. Where is my happiness, where the fuck is my rays of sunshine? How one concieve of so many cwhat if's in a day? It's like damned if I am, and I sure am! So with all of this said I continue to move forward and through this moment in time, although I appear stagnant. I see no positive changes, and my motivating factor continues to dim in the light of all lights....which are truth. I am feeling a disconnection from all and everyone. I am quick to blame, become harsh with my wording, looking for trouble, easily and eagerly engaged in a verbal match with another who wants to contend with me. I am very distracted, and also, annoyed instantly. I dislike these moments and feelings, because it is my way of letting go. Letting the anger and resentment and hurt funnel out of my body. Distressed I am. Sadden and upset I am. I can only think back and recount the "Where did I go wrong moment". Talking to my friends is therapeutic, but it never lessens the pain you feel. The hurt that is aching throughout your body. I hold my head down in shame of my actions and behaviors. I become super emotional, and within these emotions my passions are ablaze. I feel like I can do, react and respond to just about anyone and anything, all in good judgment???? Nope! So I know I must refrain and stay away from these feelings and emotions, and swallow this recent relationship bitter pill.


Tears of release.......

Each one that slides down my face is for you. It's releasing you from me, from within me. Some nights were crazy, some nights was extremely passionate, but this night there is nothing more than the closing of all my doors. The door to my mind is closed. The door to my heart is closed. The door to my body is most definitely closed. I cannot comprehend you, nor do I want to figure you out right now. I have no idea how and why I personalized this experience, or what let me to think that you wanted me so. I shed that tear, because that sentence was too deep. Deep enough that it pushed a few more tears out. Damn this is fucking with me. I mean really making me think back to the time in my life when I cared or even for that matter lusted after someone deeply. We promise ourselves this all the time "Never to fall and hurt again", but we succumb to a poisonous death.


Deep in my sadness I still survive. i hold my head up truly high and look to the sky for healing, counseling and guidance. Truly blessed I am. I know this because of what I have witnessed and experienced. I may falter and stumble, but I am always walking steady. Times may be hard and difficult, but I maintain and make it through. I will not always live up to even my expectations, but I am never EVER going to be a secondary or stagnant figure in your life. Cancel me out, close this door, for I have forgotten and won’t look to you anymore. Good Bye!

Lesson Nine: Staying True
Deep inside my needs and desire encompass all. This may not necessarily be a good thing, but hey it's what guides me through. I trust and love me enough to know that all in all, it and people, and unpleasant experiences will pass.

Day Dreamer

Going cold turkey or shall I say DRY TURKEY.....

My mind has remained focused on a self cleansing of sorts. To have the ability to renew my life in a positive way, by inviting positive people and experiences into my life, I can not and will not go wrong. If only when we write out everything, would it come to fruition after the last point and period. The day after a huge celebration and acknowledgement of change and transitions began with a bawling of tears. I cry for the failures, for the inability to see things through and for the inability to control and conduct myself in a manner that left and led me into better and positive situations. Then another emotion comes over me. Anger. Why the heck am I transitioning my life yet again. It seems as if constant change and fluctuations should be my first and last name. So when this emotions passes me over and I begin to settle again, I am left with ME feelings. This sense of cleansing and a sense of renewal and a start of something new is intoxicating. I want change. I want renewal and further more I want the sense of relaxation that comes over me when I know everything will be just fine.

How to maintain relationships.......
Having self checked myself I noticed that I have the "Daffy Duck" syndrome. In this self diagnoised syndrome I want everything to be my way, happen my way, start and finish my way. Although someone may be directing their feelings and attentions very expressive and openly towards me, I still want things to happen all according to me. So I decided to take a look at the root of the problem. When someone doesnt want to pursue a relationship in your terms "Boo'ed up", you can not hold a grudge against them or get upset. Previously if I heard something I did not like "We should be friends" "Let things happen and take it times" "Why rush" I would erase that persons name and number from my cellphone, email, myspace, facebook, AOL instant messenger, Blackberry Messenger and any social networking or instant messaging service. I just could not stand the idea of actually continuing a conversation with this person. My logic was "If they could not be with me on a particular level, why then would you want to continue to talk to me?". Whenever I would get a message from the denied someone I would appear nonchalant and "Oopps, who is this " when answering my phone or checking messages, although I memorized every name and number and screen name, and ID the person had. My pride, and rejected sense pushed me through the embarassment or just being friends. The idea of actually getting to know the person, acknowledging that hey the dating aspect of me and them did not work out, but perhaps there was a legway into a friendship.
So with that entertaining experience being placed in my past behaviors not to occur again list, I have found out a lot about myself. Not everyone is going to like or for the matter love me. I have to embrace what I am and how I see myself very openly and honestly. Although we would love for the ones we throw our hearts, the kitchen sink and everything we cherish and hold dearly in life to want us just as much, we can't let rejections get the best of us. If we were to like everyone or everyone was to like us, man we would be in a huge war and battle. Could you just imagine the Maury shows (LAUGHING OUT LOUD)

Dear THAT SOMEONE......

So I come to you as a friend. Although when I initially met you my sense of attraction leaped out of my shirt! It was like ding ding "Lets get it on". You made me laugh and smile, and better yet you made me comfortable. As we furthered started to get to know each other and intermix a friendship into an early intimate start and relationship, well I hoped the rest (dating and relating seriously) would soon begin to follow, but it didn't. Like a wounded animal, I liked the raw streched skin (my heart) back to size. I did not question or even ask you anything, because I felt as if I had no place feeling so much emotions, so soon and for that matter with you. I assumed that should I talk to you, you would not even acknowledge or hear me out, because after all I was not your Girl friend, or potential. I was a "pretty cool" girl, who was a catch. "Why didn't anyone snatch you up" you'd say....and I would think "Why didn't you snatch me up". So weeks of upheaval and inner conflict and strife produced a sense of rock bottomm which sprang fourth this renewal. A connection with me, with you. A connection with my mind, body and soul, all spirited as one. I no longer will look at you with hate, for you have not fufilled my need of want, desire and connecting with me. I will not become upset, because you are not interested in me romantically, I will welcome your friendship, but limited; for I am not your erotic toy, nor will I openly and willingly be so pleasing unless it's well deserved and mutually agreeded that there is more to come fourth and forward from my satin sheets. I will learn the meaning of a friendship. Am I to be attracted to you?Possibly. Am I going to want to get to know you? Definitely. Will I want to be casual with you? Nope. Simple stated questions, but yet so hard to ask and answer out in the midst or primal need and want. Although I have readily acknowledged my need to be needed and wanted and desired for, it will and has taken on an entire meaning when it's a mutual desire with more to reward and offer as it plays on. For that saying and meaning I am stunted and stopped in my tracks. I will and can wait. For I desire mutual reciprocity.




Lesson Eight: To wait is to age as wine

There is no need to rush for I am awaiting you. As I accept this new sense of dedication, this new way of growth in my life I await you. For you don't complete me as I once thought, you compliment me. I will respect my friendships and develop boundaries, but with you I will break down every wall you desire to bind me to. For we have bonded. I will await you.

To be Intimate or Not.....is that even a question???

Self assessments and a lot of time spent on thinking about dating and relating, the drama of misguided Cupid, love and affection and attention and so on and so on.....

A quiet Sunday spent in Brooklyn, in my apartment were all my dreams and thoughts attempt to come to fruition. I wonder to myself, why am I not in a serious relationship? Why am I casually dating with no regards to long term building, and also, why am I meeting people, whom I care for and am attracted to, but I see nothing further then right now. At times I deem myself selfish and such a pain in the ass to others, however, I can't help but feeling that overwhelming feeling of needing to be needed and wanted. It's so appealing and appetizing all at once. It's also the beginning of the end.

So I write this blog especially for myself. I need to see the written out meaning of my world and life in regards to dating and relating. I also need to let myself know that, although I deem myself a sexual being, someone who Cherish's' intimacy, passionate moments and exchanges, over time it means nothing if it's with a different person, and constant changes, no sense of stability, time well spent and also development and commitment. I forgo a lot of relationships, and the getting to know you period to feel that intimacy, that pure need and want and passionate embrace. As exotic and erotic as all of these feelings are and become, they are forever fleeting and continue to pass me by. A constant journal entry would be "I am so tired of the lames", "When will I see myself in a stable relationship" "Is it me", I am realizing it is me, and I need to do something about this urgently.

My best friend decided to become celibate for the right reasons. For sanity for herself. The drama with being casual, and the having a dating and relating game is a recipe for sexual and heartache disaster. The second reason is that she wants to dedicate herself to the right individual, to share her world and life with. She wants to openly express herself beyond her libido. She is more than her sexual self, she is an amazing woman. Intelligent, beautiful, independent, sincere, loving and amazing. All aspects for a wonderful partnership. As I write down all of the qualities I see in her, I see them in myself as well. So why can't I envision a successful relationship and experience with awaiting my future partner. I have grown tired of the casual life. Although sex is amazing, and the intimate experience with someone is to be valued for, it is not everything. When the act of consummating and conquering that special someone for the moment and at times just for the night has been completed, you are left alone. A shell of oneself. You turn over and allow the sweat to dry up. The scent of passion no longer clings to the air. The air which was once fresh is now stale of the after scent. You can't sleep, because this person you spent time with, is not the person you want to share your life with. I always hear the question "Well how can you be intimate and share yourself with others, when you don't want to be with them?" A simple answer and a personal answer is, having the ability to dictate and control the In's and outs of your life be it general hanging, casual hanging and the sexual aspect is something that allows you to control your emotions and feelings. I will not fall in love with a casual fling, it should not and does not mean anything. That was a reality I lived by, and also, you are utilizing the casual experience as a place holder for someone you truly want to be with and experience, but the inability to capture them, has spoiled over to your casual person or "jump off". So with all that being said I am realizing I want more.

More then a rumble in the sheets. More then time spent together occasionally. More then a call or text or Blackberry message. MORE! I am deserving of more, and should appreciate the effort and time I put into living and caring for someone. I also must regard my others feelings and know that if it's to be it will be. Fear of trying, and fear of being hurt and remaining emotionally indifferent has scarred me, however, it has not burnt me. So I am using this blog on this date as a way of saying HEY WORLD I WANT MORE! Alot of my ways, and even beliefs I previously held will have to change and develop into something more positive. My fear of love and being in love are forevermore changed. "I'm Ready"


Lesson Seven--So with that being said, whomever you are here is to YOU:
Allow me to be your other half. Someone that completes you. After a long day, let me shower you or bathe you if you like. Let me feed you your favorite meal and get you situated right. Let me hear your hard days of work and strifes. Allow me to kiss you and rest and relax with you. Knowing that laying with you will not be temporary or something fleeting. Closing my eyes and hearing you breath is everything and ALL I ever need.

Can I live........

So I equate all the up and down feelings to my hormonial rages inside of myself. I can say to myself "This is why so and so is not feeling it at the moemnt" or perhaps I can pretend that it was all a dream, and all will be best and a lot better in the morning.

Is it me? No really.....is it me?
How can one reveal and show themselves to another without overwhelming the one of interest? When did being reserved, but readily interest become a problmed combination? How can one be SO busy, but yet freely and frequently doing their own thing? Is it for me to become upset, emblazend with jealously and anger as in "Why you aren't with me". At times I have to stop and gather myself and thoughts and think about all the hardships and experiences with those of interest in my life (romantic interest) that I have went through. It's as if you give and give, but yet you are the one to recieve. Or you may have that usual mixture of the person is interested in you more then you could dream and believe,and although you really are trying to be patient and nice towards them and their outward expressive feelings and emotions; it;s just not enough to pursue or continue on with them any further for that matter. So looking from and outsiders perspective on an insiders tip, IS IT ME.


The solitude of a Bathroom break....break through or break down???
Taking my little ten to fifteen girly stall break I asked myself "Is this something you really want?" That something was a stable and dependable relationship. That something was the capacity to reach out and love someone in a committed and long term way. That something was giving up the independence not entirely, but learning the beauty and value of an interdependent relationship. That something was sharing joint holidays, and hang outs and good times with the extended family and friends. That something had me think that perhaps I have bargained and almost bartered for more, but have not achieved that level of romantic or for that matter relationship development.....Does it even exist? Will it even exist for me?


So if you must know me, you must know that I am complex. I don't try to be, but I see the roads and avenues in my life course that I travel through, and although they are forever unwinding they make a lot of sense to me in the end. The dichotomoy of the heart and brain is my battle, and actually this has always been my battle. Inability to find some consensus on the two and form a whole. I was told that if one writes out their dreams completely they will be able to reslove any impending issues and problems with their life. I have been journal writing sense I was 16, and I have semi resloved some problem areas, but continue to remain at a stand still stance in regards to the dating and relating issues. It is an area that I find amusing, but yet saddening at times.


Life Lesson 6: Embrace the confusement. It's enlightening.....
With all the up and down's and troublesome moments throughout the dating and relating experiences, one must remain hopeful and insightful that one day things will get better. It's something about speaking on an issue or problem area, that puts the mind at ease. In times of stress and strife, let your pen and paper battle it out.