I am not Afraid.......I am Not AFRAID!
So preparing myself for the down pouring of being and feeling hurt. I have already experienced these feelings too many times. You would think I was prone to the venom already; however, each new and fresh cut to the heart reopens old wounds. Sometimes running away or ignoring the pain and impending outcomes from acknowledging such a drastic change in ones life can result in a major melt down soon-to-be-seen. Such a meltdown is to be feared. I am vulnerable, open, and sore to the touch. I am shaken and upset. I cringe whenever I hear your name or think of and about you. I delete everything that ever validated your existence. I want to bleach clean my mind of you. Yes it’s that severe. It’s also important for me to function as so. Should I acknowledge the experiences with you, you will then exist forever in my mind and heart. You will not be something of a dream. How I choose to ignore everything that goes poorly for me in a dream like state. When I awake, I could always blame it on the romance novels and movies. Don’t let me remember you………
I was wondering when you would arrive……..
So I closed my eyes and I was thinking about all of the things I do and don’t do. I was thinking how I could allow myself to fall back into yet another relationship and romantic trap. Seeing that I should have mastered this course a long time ago, it hurts to see myself repeat this life lesson. So I am expecting and awaiting doom and gloom. I am expecting the normal mood fluctuations I will experience. One second I will be overcome and exhausted by tear jerking and pulling feelings, the next minute I will be upset and angry at myself of all the signs (why I should have walked away from you) and moments I experienced with you that told me something about you and your life and obvious situation, however, I was too blinded by wanting to get to know you; I completely forgot the road and my many reasons of what I want and expect within a relationship; especially a relationship with you. Then lastly, I will question myself. Why wasn’t I the selected one of your interest? Was there something I said or did not say? Could I have possibly changed anything? Is this the end?
So many questions and thoughts flowing through my mind. It becomes very difficult to get along with my day (something I am use to doing in the past shutting down), I have the feeling of going home, shutting off my phone and being left alone. Left alone with the death trap of my thoughts…….
The Light shines………..RENEWAL-MATURITY—Ready for life
Relaxing my mind, body and spirit. Renewing and restoring my faith and belief in myself. I am not afraid to experience the romantic downs in life. I am no longer afraid to say that it wasn’t meant for you (the relationship in general) and I don’t pity or feel any ill feelings towards you, in fact, I wish you well. I wish you can heal and resolve that hole in your chest. I wish that you can find someone who will love you as openly and honestly as I. I know I deserve and am entitled to that kind of love no one could ever deny someone. I am ready for this love. So as I pass you through my mind, and heart; I reflect on the experiences and sensations and moments that we caused and experienced together. I smile and embrace this experience, but let it go. Like a dove flying away in the sunset I release you. Yes I will be sad and at times bothered and upset, but it will never overcome and overwhelm me. It will be a constant reminder of the love and feelings that are so powerful to me. I have imprinted on you.
Lesson Seventeen………..Closure is to be celebrated
Life is filled with many opportunities and experiences that allow one to close that chapter and open a new chapter or book. Closing a door or ending an experience can seem as a negative rather than positive experience, however, when you closed that door or ended that experience you were renewed. You’re since of continuing on and expecting and doing better for yourself and future experiences was validated. Look forward to change and transition. Look forward to new starts, endings and beginnings. Look forward to renewal, vitality and the start of a bright future.