There is meaning for it all after all…

There is no confusion and misunderstanding. There is no ability to resume normalcy as if the in between never existed. The in between has become the pink elephant in the room.

If only I could place a shawl, scarf or even a hat over the obvious then maybe I could resume a false sense of normalcy and just exist, but life has a funny way of showing me otherwise. When I am not really giving my all or putting that extra umph into something it becomes obvious. My moods become unmanageable and I begin to display an attitude of general appeasement. It’s as if the essence of me has been zapped right out so once again I am left fighting the feeling of just feeling, because I don’t want to pretend to feel…you feel me?

SO when faced with presenting the truth and not compromising yourself and love standards you drummed up literally in the past year and a half you start to feel your faith tested and smudged all up in your face. Your ideals and ways to go about life becomes passing standards easily wavered by the beckoning erotic calls and memories bought about from previous experiences. Everything that you have previously owned and known no longer exists within you. Its like accepting change has bought about consequences of no turning back, and within these consequences I have been left to figure things out.

Once again I am left to envision what all the talked about change has brought before me…

An unknown me may appear to be a lost me, but I envisioned this new me to be placed before me so I could SEE just exactly who I was and have grown to be. My acceptance and tolerance of substandard partnerships and romantic experiences has almost cast me villainous in my pursuit of happiness. If only they could see and understand that I have parted with just being and just accepting anything and anyone, and that just maybe I could experience the sensations and feelings I know to be true. Of course I will continually hear that perhaps I made a too quick judgment call or relied on ever changing emotions and feelings that perhaps were slightly present, but needed more development and time to be it’s ultimate healer.

If you ever felt and experienced love before than you know it wasn’t patient and fragile, but prominent and ever present and strong. The connection would be so intense and revealed beforehand on all levels and not lagging on some that it could never be questioned.

So in essence what can be contested is your lesson…Move along. 

No set answer, no single pathway or road…You Define your experience!

Who ever coined the phrase “You will know, when you know” must not have experienced the knowing of several factors of the unknown. At first we identify with a feeling and tie it into an expected emotion and response. Having already defined the “expected” experience for ourselves, however, another option of how to handle the unknown and here enters an opportunity for a new way of seeing things and newly defined outcomes which then throws the first initial feeling and response of “Knowing when you know…” right out of the window.

I could possibly look at these moments as simply not really knowing whatever I think I should know, but then once I become familiar I then take the time to examine and redefine already steady life occurrences that was absolutely cluttering my mind with complexities of phrases and sentence forms all too impersonal to speak about. I wanted a reaction for each action I embarked on. I wanted to know that there was a possibility in things that perhaps initially only received the “to be expected outcome”. I finally wanted to know that there was no exact path to take, just my willingness to want to redefine and rediscover it all again.

So then again I am thrown into the mindset of perhaps I can’t know or prepare and expect anything in life; and that every chance meeting and opportunity that presents itself already was charted in my life and that all that was left to do was experience and define my yellow brick road.

From the upsets and disappointments to moments of endless dreams and occurrences I realized that going according to what I believe and expected to happen and occur is not necessarily the ideal way, but it is one of the ways to look at things and not the only objective and expected outcome.

So overall I may know what I know when it may happen for me, but I do know that it’s not the only experience that will lay an impression on me, and I can not only rely on one opportunity and expected outcome only. I must and WILL branch out.

Good-bye to feelings of guilt and good-bye to feelings of being exclusive and obligated to one. Happiness was never granted by one person, and for one to attempt to tie up your entire ALL with their displays of attention and affections, well it’s a bit off putting.

Whoever coined the phrase “Don’t place all your eggs in one basket” surely knew exactly what I was writing about. 

How do I Breathe?

My mind is fixed on an expected reaction and response. My experience is presenting something else different thus far. My mind's best intentions are gateways into a lost world of emotional incompetence.

How do I possibly shed some of the veil from my eyes as well as my heart? How could I possibly allow the smallest entryway of another's interest to captivate me without the fear of the tug and war of my position within the start of the relationship.

I actually am allowing my individual hang up's and hold out's to burden me.....

So checking into my now and current situation I have come across an interesting opportunity. The opportunity has presented itself in such a way that has allowed me to look forward to starts and solutions and the overall happenings and outcomes of the situation. The situation that is being created has caused a little stir for me. Of course we aren't suppose to compare and question each and every experience we may have, however, I expected a projected outcome to occur and it just didn't happen. I started to feel a bit deflated and have a less than desired for response, but then again I went back to comparing and questioning and realized in the end that each and every experience regardless of some similarities will always remain different, distinct yes, but different.

So in stating this and knowing that just maybe I am allowing past circumstances to present into my present situation; I have defeated my best intentions and future optimistic behavior already. So with that being said, I have decided that I can not possibly allow this to happen and I must move forward into a progressive state of stillness and nothingness. Freely flowing and allowing insight and stillness to guide me.

So I am allowing it to begin...