There is no confusion and misunderstanding. There is no
ability to resume normalcy as if the in between never existed. The in between
has become the pink elephant in the room.
If only I could place a shawl, scarf or even a hat over the
obvious then maybe I could resume a false sense of normalcy and just exist, but
life has a funny way of showing me otherwise. When I am not really giving my
all or putting that extra umph into something it becomes obvious. My moods
become unmanageable and I begin to display an attitude of general appeasement.
It’s as if the essence of me has been zapped right out so once again I am left
fighting the feeling of just feeling, because I don’t want to pretend to
feel…you feel me?
SO when faced with presenting the truth and not compromising
yourself and love standards you drummed up literally in the past year and a
half you start to feel your faith tested and smudged all up in your face. Your
ideals and ways to go about life becomes passing standards easily wavered by
the beckoning erotic calls and memories bought about from previous experiences.
Everything that you have previously owned and known no longer exists within
you. Its like accepting change has bought about consequences of no turning
back, and within these consequences I have been left to figure things out.
Once again I am left to envision what all the talked about
change has brought before me…
An unknown me may appear to be a lost me, but I envisioned
this new me to be placed before me so I could SEE just exactly who I was and
have grown to be. My acceptance and tolerance of substandard partnerships and
romantic experiences has almost cast me villainous in my pursuit of happiness.
If only they could see and understand that I have parted with just being and
just accepting anything and anyone, and that just maybe I could experience the
sensations and feelings I know to be true. Of course I will continually hear
that perhaps I made a too quick judgment call or relied on ever changing
emotions and feelings that perhaps were slightly present, but needed more
development and time to be it’s ultimate healer.
If you ever felt and experienced love before than you know
it wasn’t patient and fragile, but prominent and ever present and strong. The
connection would be so intense and revealed beforehand on all levels and not
lagging on some that it could never be questioned.
So in essence what can be contested is your lesson…Move
along.
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