Get Back UP

Sewing some oats and binding some forbidden ties I recognized that I continued to run into the same old bricks of the forbidden love life. The love life that I continued to image and dream about, with people who could not support or sustain my dream. Continually loving the unloveable, the jaded and the romantically uninclined male to lastly being seen in the eyes of another as a secondary motive and mention. What more could I possibly say and do? What more could I possibly want? Hey, I have my other faucets and areas of life that I continually excel at. Could this one section out of my life just be my overall demise and downfall?

I could go on and on about the disappointment and the discouraged feelings, but then as with everything and with life it's a learning tool. A tool to be utilized when you are at your lowest peak. A tool to be utilized when you are finally recognizing what exactly has been developing and brewing all along.

The art of forgiveness goes hand in hand with love. The art of letting things go, alongside with realizing just what we are departing with allowed me to realize just why I continued these cycles and more. I can not thank my many failed attempts and experiences enough. I can absolutely open my eyes and world, especially my heart to the challenges that have been faced and will be faced with. I can humbly attest to where I went astray at and what exactly I was looking for.

Daddy disappointment...First male example in my life failed me.
Motherly disappointment...She never stood up for herself and recieved the love she deserved
Relationship disappointment...Each new experience flowed from the bad experiences...no changes
Personal disappointment...Fear of being simply myself, low self esteem and no self structure


To write out my pains. To define my ailment... To see that perhaps I never had a positive relationship with myself, my family and lastly my relationships...it seems I never had a chance. A sadness and awareness in the inevitable came over me...but then I started feeling as if life has never stopped and that for each challenge and presenting factor faced I dealt or currently am dealing with. There is no time frame for healing. We meet our own individual life demands.

For the knowledge and information I was afforded I remain truly blessed. For each tear a smile crept upon my face. For each line crossed within the sands of my time I can admit to no longer wanting impulsive without a recourse of my actions. Controlled, clear and concise is what motivates and molds me.

In stillness you will find just exactly what you was looking for...

It happened...




The moment when I was faced with seeing, hearing and knowing all, but knowing nothing at all. The moment when my mind took over and silenced my inner gut reactions of having an emotional overload and melt down of feelings; feelings that were designated onto all forms of my past. Ex boo, ex love, ex ex and simply non justifiable relationships. My mind went numb…

It takes a lot of courage to write about your relationship downfalls, self-observations and over experience with love and when in love, but what stood out the most to me is finally hearing that answer I have been looking for all of this time. There is no need to upset myself or get bent out all over shape at what previously existed and had transpired within my life. All I could do was wish the ill thoughts away, pray for a better outlook and overall outcome and peace and stillness revolved around me.

There is nothing like the chase. There is nothing in comparison to wanting to be wanted by many, desired by a few and loved by one; then again there is nothing wrong with continually experiencing life on demand rather than awaiting a wish or occurrence that may never occur if you would have not ventured out and taken that risk.

Throughout the down side and moments in my time, the upside and calmness presented itself and I finally felt the calm. The instant I allowed myself to visually ingest what I saw, I applied it presently to where I am at currently in my life. Nothing will move forward or progress forward in life without my permission. The permission for me to feel hurt, to feel less than, to feel unworthy, to feel denied has all been dismissed.

I will no longer operate erratically and based entirely on emotions only. I am at peace.



Namaste

To love and linger and move right on along...

It's so easy to let go of something that serves no life purpose for me. It's amazingly simple to justify why this and that one wont work out in my best long term interest; and even so with saying that I find myself longing for you. Your memory remains etched in my mind and mended to my heart. There hasn't been no one like, similar, resembling or even cutting it a little close to my memory of you.


In distance and inability to make your most attempts at seeing ME as I am, I have come to feel disappointment in your perception of me. Assumingly my personal interest's are entirely different from your very own interests, but have you ever really asked me about my interest's in comparison to yours? Have you really taken the time to address the differences and find a common meeting point of two different but distinct personalities?

This fantasy relationship I am feeling and am engaging in has run many courses, and yet my battle to refrain from loving you never lasts too long. I continue to look for the meaning of why you entered my life? Your purpose in my life? Is it to have loved and lost you and transitioned on or is it to show you a form of love different from what you have known? Always the optimistic and looking for the brighter shade of the darkened sky line, I can admit that I am still searching for these answers and more.

To lose you might be the best way to transition from you. To love you openly while being shirked from you is another way I was attempting to see this experience and relationship through, but I am broken. I have literally questioned my very own interests, and at times blamed my upbringing (Mother's relationship's, sisters relationships) and my own relationship experiences for the failure to move along, but as I write this I ended something recently that I made my most attempts to see the relationship experience through, but it served no purpose for me physically and intimately or emotionally. How I ended that so, but yet can't let you alone or go?

How I used

to handle letting go of someone was completely forgetting their existance and moving forward with another relationship or intimate experience, but then I realized that you can't forge ahead until you have entirely dealt with as much issues you are experiencing within before you can move forward and along. Instant gratification has benefited me in more than one way, but it has served me as false hope. So yet again I am facing a slippery emotional slope, but the difference this time is that I am dealing with it. I am living with it. I am forgiving it.