Being Honest With Yourself

Being honest with yourself…….

So I have come to the conclusion that I cannot appease and please everyone I have some sort of intimate type of relationship or contact with. I cannot be your all and everything, umbrella in the rain, woolen jacket in the winter time, because I have no affinity for you. I say this with both nonchalance and subtle regret; for I appreciate you in each and every way, but I have reopened that chapter of possibly maybe with you and drew a blank, and then I close it with ease. Ease in knowing that I am not forcing myself to build on friendly feelings. The friendly feelings that compel you to taste the waters of your friendship, to possibly see what is outside of this unique and attractive friendship. In reviewing how exactly our friendship became as such, I then become honest with myself and my needs and wants and ever changing desires. Our friendship initially began in a wave of emotional changes and transitions and interests. Our friendship also began at a distance and was soon to be bonded by our meeting. Our meeting was to be destined a romantic and unbelievable experience (in my books) however, it was entertaining and interesting, but nothing out of the norm (if you call meeting someone from one state to the next normal nowadays) of a regular friendly gathering. The only exception of course is the chosen and moments of interesting passionate. I wasn’t against it, rather I was entertained and interest piqued, and being a sexually exploring woman of the wind (as I see myself) my appetite was satisfied, but not necessarily thoroughly quenched. For we went our separate ways. As time passed on the relationship dissolved into my black book of for longed entries. So now you come back into my life without a clean slate (is anyone’s slate really clean?), and you expect me to acknowledge the past and the before, and to see reason in that intimate weekend? Could I see beyond the sheets? Could I imagine myself giving myself to you, solely not only for weekends, but for now and good? I teased my brains, I assumed the many possibilities and outcomes, but pure logic burned into my mind and heart. It was never meant to neither be, nor will it ever be or become. As hard and contrite as they sounds and seems, deep in you heart of many hearts you know it’s true. So I write this not as an excuse as to my why’s and the why not’s, but as a simple statement from my heart. Being Honest With Myself.

A breath and rush of needed air to the lungs……
Have you had that conversation with yourself? Have you really sat down and spilled your guts to you and only you. Knowing that the outcome of this rushed conversation may or may not be fitting for your ears, but it will resolve a lot of the issues and concerns and questions at hand. I had this conversation with myself just yesterday, and I realized two things…1) I am not ready for a serious relationship just yet 2) I really don’t know the experience of actually dating. Now I say to myself, all of the lovely relationships and constant people, and trouble I have gotten my heart into why would I say such crap! However, this crap in actuality is my reality. I am not ready to seriously pursue a relationship, because I am content where I am. With that being said I am not stating that I would not like to pursue someone seriously, however, I am saying I am working on me. Me as the person I am becoming and growing into. I feel that almost hitting thirty years of age I should have mastered these lessons and more, however, I am just starting. I remained defiant against my initial feelings and response regarding my relationship adventures, and it truly has been an adventure, however, I am no longer fighting the feelings. I am ok with being single, and pursuing my personal objectives and goals, while remaining in tuned to romantic possibilities. No longer wanting to lose a sense of me and my grounding. So I am happy that this heart to heart with me came at the right time. So although this realization seems great, I also realized another truth….I really don’t know how to value the concept of dating. Once I like you on the first date I am sold for life. Having the experience and continually building from it remains a battle in its own. Feeling my intuition is on point at all times, I factor those feelings in before actually experiencing or attempting a dating relationship, which I see and know is not doing me any good at all. So the new appeal and approach to date and actively date and not get myself into typical or causal experiences. I have a mouth and I have an opinion, so being vocal for good or bad will not stunt me, but catapult me into a new realm of understanding, dating and relating.


Lesson Twenty: Trust in YOU
Having faith, a believe set and value in something is awe inspiring and empowering. Why not have the same feelings and believe set within yourself? You trust yourself to get through the day and put your best foot forward, why can’t you trust in yourself when life changes occur from all aspects and every angle? Believe in you, for you is all you need. People will enter and leave your life, compliment and complicate your life as well, but remaining a steady grounded force will not falter your continued steps and progress.

It's A Start

It’s a start…….

When reality settles in on you, there just isn’t no right or wrong way to accept the transition, or for that matter the return to normalcy. There is nothing or no one that will make this life transition go away. Not even if you came back into my life, and amended all the hurt, indecision and plan old confusing moments. I think our time together truly expired! So as with the modern day lyrics, and musical genre’s take on life and love within your life “On To The Next One”……am I ready for the next, the after and anything resembling the before? So I hold my head up and embrace the hurt, the fleeting moments of good times, and the continued build up and reminders of the not so good times. I will never say in any case that I didn’t truly enjoy my experiences with you, but experiences all alone are not entirely the glue that will bind and mend an already off kilter attempt at a relationship. Yes I admittedly stated that I was looking for something more than a good romp in my room. I was looking for more than periodic dinners or the occasional call and check in. I wanted more then after midnight rendezvous. I wanted all of you. If by chance having some of you didn’t digest well with me, then you must see why I wanted and needed all of you. So as I right the wronged that became of us, I also visualize my needs and wants that will truly suit and devour me…mind….body….and soul.


Searching starts within me…….

“Hello love, I see you arrived back with another dent to the heart and another tale to state” “Yes, I have endured another battle with the mind and heart. Although the dent is an obvious reminder, my statement shall soon follow, but it’s not an embittered me. I actually feel as if I have transitioned from this experience.” “You will always learn from each moment and experience you encourage and encounter. For each failure you have achieved knowledge. You have grown true from each experience, and you also have obviously taken what you needed from that life lesson.” “I never really looked at my experiences as life lessons; I only viewed them as markers for continued failing moments in my dating and relating life. I am so fortunate to see clearly the changes and transitions.” As I closely looked at myself in the mirror, this conversation began with me without command or control. I finally was able to see the woman I am becoming. To see past the hurt, the disgust with the dating and relating experiences. To embrace my tears and dented heart, to never been truly discouraged or pulled away, because of fear of the unknown. I saw a reflection of an assured, confidant woman. A woman whom I claimed today.


Life Lesson Nineteen: Self talk…..

Never pass up the opportunity to counsel and guide yourself through a situation. Its great to have outsiders and friends talk, and listen to you, but sometimes the only person who will truly understand what’s going on is the person staring right back you in the mirror.

Pep TALK....Rally behind yourself.....

What is my mission?

I aim to please and please to aim? I value and desire this statement simply and truly! So I ask myself this question….what’s my goal and plan(s) from here? Where do I see myself going from here? I am blinded by no sense or source of direction. I am challenged by the fact that my feelings of displacement are ranging from low to high on a minute by minute basis. What am I moving on from? ….. Seems as if there will be a lot of resolving going on for me! So the mission that is presenting me from all sides with many endings and beginnings and middle parts is my possible closure or continuance with you. Although I am not afraid to face the fears and the unfolding events that will come from this and many other experiences…..I just know that it’s always a sense and a feeling one can never become too complacent with.

Choices……
So where do I choose to walk today and further on in my life. Why do I feel like I need to apologize for my closure and disregard for you and the “relationship” anymore. Why do I feel as if I am back stepping? Shouldn’t I easily let you and this experience go? Shouldn’t I feel compelled to flounce on and forward to a more positive outcome and experience? There are so many reasons for the why’s and the why not’s, however, I am not going to answer or attempt to resolve them all in one setting. All I know is that I truly like you…I ask myself why do I like you? I simply answer because I just do. I feel as if you have no idea what you will be missing out on (the relationship experience) should I truly walk away from your life. I feel as if I can save and help you, but then reality and recent experiences all hit me with “Girl don’t be crazy, you are no one’s teacher or savior”. I can’t lead you to water or make you drink from me. At times when I am feeling true and true weak and blue I must gather my strength and embrace myself. I must recall how many times I expressed and put myself out there for you to gather me up. How many times I attempted to eve save you from yourself, provided you with tidbits and snippets into my life, opening myself up for appraisal and acceptance from you. Continually you shut me out and down. My feelings were not spared. Your non caring ways and feelings towards me made and make it evidently clear that I am doing the right thing. I may feel hurt and upset now, but later I will be doing well.

Lesson Eighteen: PEP TALK
Self talks are the best talks. Sometimes we talk our way into stuff we have no business getting into. This time I choose to talk myself into my life reflective statements of upward mobility, and the ability to listen to reason and pull forward. For each falter my step improves.

I am not Afraid.......I am Not AFRAID!

Unexpected positive reaction and responses……………..

So preparing myself for the down pouring of being and feeling hurt. I have already experienced these feelings too many times. You would think I was prone to the venom already; however, each new and fresh cut to the heart reopens old wounds. Sometimes running away or ignoring the pain and impending outcomes from acknowledging such a drastic change in ones life can result in a major melt down soon-to-be-seen. Such a meltdown is to be feared. I am vulnerable, open, and sore to the touch. I am shaken and upset. I cringe whenever I hear your name or think of and about you. I delete everything that ever validated your existence. I want to bleach clean my mind of you. Yes it’s that severe. It’s also important for me to function as so. Should I acknowledge the experiences with you, you will then exist forever in my mind and heart. You will not be something of a dream. How I choose to ignore everything that goes poorly for me in a dream like state. When I awake, I could always blame it on the romance novels and movies. Don’t let me remember you………

I was wondering when you would arrive……..

So I closed my eyes and I was thinking about all of the things I do and don’t do. I was thinking how I could allow myself to fall back into yet another relationship and romantic trap. Seeing that I should have mastered this course a long time ago, it hurts to see myself repeat this life lesson. So I am expecting and awaiting doom and gloom. I am expecting the normal mood fluctuations I will experience. One second I will be overcome and exhausted by tear jerking and pulling feelings, the next minute I will be upset and angry at myself of all the signs (why I should have walked away from you) and moments I experienced with you that told me something about you and your life and obvious situation, however, I was too blinded by wanting to get to know you; I completely forgot the road and my many reasons of what I want and expect within a relationship; especially a relationship with you. Then lastly, I will question myself. Why wasn’t I the selected one of your interest? Was there something I said or did not say? Could I have possibly changed anything? Is this the end?
So many questions and thoughts flowing through my mind. It becomes very difficult to get along with my day (something I am use to doing in the past shutting down), I have the feeling of going home, shutting off my phone and being left alone. Left alone with the death trap of my thoughts…….

The Light shines………..RENEWAL-MATURITY—Ready for life
Relaxing my mind, body and spirit. Renewing and restoring my faith and belief in myself. I am not afraid to experience the romantic downs in life. I am no longer afraid to say that it wasn’t meant for you (the relationship in general) and I don’t pity or feel any ill feelings towards you, in fact, I wish you well. I wish you can heal and resolve that hole in your chest. I wish that you can find someone who will love you as openly and honestly as I. I know I deserve and am entitled to that kind of love no one could ever deny someone. I am ready for this love. So as I pass you through my mind, and heart; I reflect on the experiences and sensations and moments that we caused and experienced together. I smile and embrace this experience, but let it go. Like a dove flying away in the sunset I release you. Yes I will be sad and at times bothered and upset, but it will never overcome and overwhelm me. It will be a constant reminder of the love and feelings that are so powerful to me. I have imprinted on you.

Lesson Seventeen………..Closure is to be celebrated
Life is filled with many opportunities and experiences that allow one to close that chapter and open a new chapter or book. Closing a door or ending an experience can seem as a negative rather than positive experience, however, when you closed that door or ended that experience you were renewed. You’re since of continuing on and expecting and doing better for yourself and future experiences was validated. Look forward to change and transition. Look forward to new starts, endings and beginnings. Look forward to renewal, vitality and the start of a bright future.

You will never consume me........

Just when you thought I was down………..


As always there will be times when your emotions will literally take a choke hold over you! There will be times when you cry an ocean, and exert so much energy on ridding yourself of the person and experience; you totally forget how and why you allowed this incident and issue to consume you. There is never enough time in the day to do anything anyway, so why allow a person or relationship gone bad to ruin the precious experiences and times ahead. So with all that lovely jazz being stated I have devised a sure wind plan to get me back on my feet and ahead of this board game…..

Whenever I am down and if it is because of you I smile. I champion the fact that I and I only make me feel and experience and go through many changes in my life. Oh yes I allowed you to be apart of my life, but briefly you can be denied from my life. I will be upset, and I may shed a few tears, but I will never ever deny myself before you. I will hold my head high and speak volumes of who I am! Yes….WHO I AM! I am a woman who is proud to be passionate, exotic, determined, intelligent, vocal, loving and caring, and yes sexy as hell. I am the woman that caught your eye, read you that bed time story and put your ass to sleep. Oh you forgot all of that? I sure didn’t! So when it’s time to close your chapter and prepare myself for your supposed returns in my life I will have already detached myself from you and that experience. Far and few never. For you will be easily forgotten, as you were easily experienced……

Vixen or plain mean????

So as I write this blog there as always remains to be a romantic issue or definite influx going on. I would say at this moment the influx is the ability for one to see that hey there is possibilities and potential to experience and have a relationship; however, one must remain in constant jerk mode (not knowing that chivalry still exists) and sending dual messages. As always I tire of playing the psychic and Ms. Cleo. I tire of trying to figure you out and save you from yourself. I also really don’t like the fact that if I see so much potential and possibility with you, why can’t you value that vision and run with it? There is always confusion and constant up/down upheavals going on, however, I continue to entertain this issue and you, so obviously and at times unfortunately I am not entirely done or truly dismissal of you. So…..will I continue to entertain you, or go out on a shit load of dates and defy my wanting to get to know and slow you and your issues? Stay tuned….


Lesson Sixteen: Finding forever right now is a pain in the ass……
When did falling in interest and like turn into a major life issue and impending decision making experience. Relationship will never be easy, nor will they be easily sought after. The willingness to continue to survive and maintain your key qualities and components in your need and wants will determine your outcome. Unless you want a challenge!