Heart Interrupted……

Occupying my time and mostly my mind allowed me to not linger so much on you, or even think about you. Of course I would wish you no harm or even for that matter any negative things to occur to you, but I wished you away from me. I wished that our time spent ceased then and there. I wished my fantasies and ideas about love and life and you being a part of that fantasy world would disappear. I finally started believing that with distance and time, all will resume back to normalcy. Minor distractions and attentions to the heart and human psyche practically left me open to interest and intrigue. Your full figure became a shadowy and dimming light. The day dreams ceased, and night wishes ceased. At one point I was happy to be resolving this inner drama within myself, but then the next minute I slowly began to think about our connection. What exactly brings me to you? Opens my mind and heart to your interest and intrigue? I feel as if I would issue you my last, make your favorite meal, wait for your call and dream to awaken next to you. I long to listen to your long day from work, and linger to hear your love and desire for me. Why wouldn’t you just be open? Why did you make life and exploring a life and the possibilities of a life with me difficult? All of these questions and the pin point time and dates of disappointment you continually have given me. At times you started to let me in, but closed everything off.

Interruption of my thoughts, love and heart.

So as I let you go on your own way, and I went along on my way everything started getting better. My emotions and feelings towards you were dwindling slowly. A noticeable non concern with a call or even a checkup message. My slight dips didn’t disturb the flow; actually they increased the distance and time away from you. I started entertaining another idea and lover. I started seeing their potential and set aside all the good points in comparison to your negative and bad points. I ventured to even see a future and attempted to dream about them as I did and have done in regards to you. …….. I returned home and was wondering where my messages from you were. Not a drop of a call or a mistaken text message. Nothing. A few days went by and I just could not allow a week’s connection to come between us. I messaged and called. I messaged again and you responded. I started feeling a lot better and wondered what the hell was the matter with me and my behavior? Wasn’t this better? A slow dwindling connection? A forgotten past for no assumed future? That one break was the end of all for me. I truly realized how much I am care for you. I cannot explain why and how is it that I care so much for you. When these feelings and more came into fruition I truly know that it was instant. …..

Lesson Forty
Crash into me…….
Allowing all emotions to enter may overwhelm you. It may even leave you lost and wishing to be found. It may even strain and stress you so, but emotions left untouched and not fully explained; denies you an amazing life and moments to be blessed and truly able to express and experience. I value my time with you. If for short and limited, it was well worth it.

Effective Communication

A new attempt at opening myself up to new experiences, and also, building and framing long lasting experiences, I am venturing out more by effectively communicating. Constantly staying abreast of each other and talking with one another continues to build binding ties that will eventually grow and strengthen. I envisioned myself as a technologically sound communicator. I am in love with any form of instant messaging. I envisioned one’s ability to be able to be receptive to all forms of communication and staying on top of all, however, I never really knew the impersonal impression this form of communicating can have on ones relationships. If I send you a text message, and it follows with your response and then continued communication, you may feel as if everything is going well; however, what you may not notice is the closed connection and experiences you are developing with your receiver. Allowing contact to be controlled by 160 characters tells a lot about your relationship. Writing and reading can be the great deceiver of all. Writing amuses and amazes you, writing intrigues and captivates you. Reading allows you to process the information you believe to be true. Reading allows you to envision the exact response you would have hoped and dreamed for. The combination of the two can define, sweep you off your feet, open and share an assumed world and dictate an almost virtual relationship. Sadly, it will and can be short lived. There is no sustenance in the conversations any longer. Assumptions become what they are, assumed to be truths. Reality is indistinguishable from disappointment, and heartache.
YES YOU
Hearing your voice and breathing excites me. From moments of frustration, to moments of bliss I am happy to know we can effectively communicate. I can just stay on the phone, writing or watching TV and not hear a word from you, but when I hear from you so begins the conversations. You’re my corrective muse, LAUGHS OUT LOUD!
So you see and say…….
So as noted communicating appears to be the focal point and clear keyword to productivity when relating with anyone. It appears to be extremely effective within the dating and relating realm. Understanding and the ability to see that not everyone is perfect, people have opinions, and although we have familiarity and similar stuff and goals going on, we are true and blue distinct! So distinct that it doesn’t unsettle or upset one, it only continues to allow us to want to grow and become familiar with one another. It allows me to see your difference and unique qualities in a way that garters respect. I look at each and every difference in anyone I come across in path, and appreciate them more!

Lesson Thirty-Nine: Now I can feel it
Such an eye opener simplicity can be. The simple things in life are meant to be experienced over and over. The little things in life that allows us to get through, over, under life hurtles are awesome experiences. Not only am I appreciative a lot more, but I clearly see what life continues to offer me. I smile handsomely and embrace life in my arms.

I think about US

Emotional intimacy…..

Wanting that connection beyond the general understanding and meaning of me and you. I continually look forward to explore everything of and about you. I want to know every little and major thing about you. I want to figure out all your in’s and out’s. I want to listen to your stories, good and bad and welcome you to a life of love. I would love to explore with you the boundaries of a friendship that has transcended into a blossoming relationship. I would love to share and open my world up to you. Being naked to you; in the sense of me offering my most inner self to you. To hug and kiss you to silence. To smile and embrace you after a long and hard days of work. To sit next to you resting my head in your arms and staring up at you settle me. Your fear of loving me, expressing and opening yourself to me holds you away from the peace and solace that you could possibly have. Why must you pull yourself away from me? You deserve to be happy, loved and appreciated. As do I. I have come to learn that sex and infatuations are short lived and cause major palpations to the heart. The time for long term, patience, guidance and the willingness to make attempts at having the best relationship experience ever becomes mind consuming. Intoxicating is love, and living love and going through love; it’s just something that intrigues the mind. As always I will think of your embrace and intoxicating kisses, and feel of you through our time spent together. At times I would love to solve your riddles and calm your mind, but you won’t allow me to do so……

If it makes you happy……
Smile more often. Think about all the loving times and moments, with not just one person, but everyone who enters your life. Open the doors for friendships and renewed friendships, faithfulness, happiness and amazing moments in time. The old adage of “Living life and loving life” is meant to be experienced in more than one way and aspect. It’s meant to be your morning start and evening rest down. It’s meaning excels you to want to experience and express more of you. Genuinely expressive of yourself and the major moments and hills it took of you to climb and captures in order to embrace where you are currently. Lift your arms in the air and hold your head entirely back. Breathe in your noise, and out your mouth. Embrace freedom and the freeing of tensions and feelings. Feelings that are not too entirely clear, but echoes huge statements. I am here. I am me. I am happy.

Lesson Thirty Eight: I reason with you….
I am not solving you, or attempting to identify anything that resembles what we have and had. I reason with you, because I know that we are in this together. Chemistry has been bestowed upon us. I reason with that.

Not turning back.....

I am noticing that we are relating a lot differently lately. Initially I assumed that we hashed everything out upon our last visit. I assumed we were going to make our most passionate attempts at trying. I even dared to think there was going to be a possibility of me and you? Hmmmmmm.....day dreams to night dreams, to times spent waking and looking up for you. I dare say I did get use to the moments and times experienced with you. I did find comfort and safety in your embrace and warmth on those nights. I rested my mind on your arm, embraced within your heart. However, all was well when it started well, but now things are blah. Should I pity anyone or complain? Do I, or would I like to transition things back to what they use to be? I actually had a long shower session with myself and worked everything out. I realized that I am ready for things when I am ready for them. I also realized that although you may care and like someone, even welcome and embrace their company it does not negate a relationship or ties to them. I like a leech want blood. I want the fiery passion of the person whose hosting me. I want to consume you. All of you. However, that's not necessarily the right or even healthy way to go about dating and relating and wanting someone. My inability to stand alone for long periods at times waivers good hindsight, and ability to think and reason. I am in fact an emotional being. My moods and moments at best and even music dominate mainly the majority of my decisions. So my mood with you, while I was with you was passionate and sweet and expressive. As I am away from you, my mood remains untouchable.........do you blame me love? Do you?

Letting it all out......

Blowing out the hot air and instantly breathing in the cool and cold air for my lungs. Its not only refreshing, but amazingly a relaxing state of being. At the moment I am feeling so many emotions. The fear and excitement of pursuing a career change. The love and hate relationship experienced with someone who I adore, but at the same time I know he isn't right for me, but I continually try (not without reading previous entries and settling myself). I allow time for so many others and people to enter my life, transition my now and change my all, but no longer. This is time for me to experience and express myself. This is time for me to truly enjoy my moments. To experience what interests me and what exactly I love and lean on. This is a time where I make choices and decisions without a care or worry. I am learning to love and value independent me, but not go hard on interdependent me. To trust and relate and make all attempts as possible of living out my life to the fullest. I must stretch and broaden my mind and expand my horizons. If I can make it, any and everyone can be uplifted as well and make it through many of storms. Because we can. Strong, confident and amazingly talented. I must move fast and forward. Through above and under and all.

Lesson Thirty Seven: PLEASE SAY THANK YOU TO LIFE....

Thank you life for the complications and hair frizzy moments. For the utter stress and strain and pain. For the heart pulls and jerks and utter moments of complete mind freeze and closure. I thank you life for gathering me in your arms and stretching me forward to all experiences. I never knew how amazing bad decisions and choices could make you feel once expressed, relieved and closed on. Life has presented many with many options and I failed to open all of those doors.....well life I am eager, willing and ready. I want all the doors to be open and placed before me. I am ready life, let me in.

Enchanted

Do you like to be proven wrong? Or at least shown another route that would benefit you in the long run? I experienced that open ended heart exposure. I was shown a different route in love and life, and well I am not too sure where this path leads, however, my attention and eyes are wide open. I was given an opportunity to explore and expand my mind, while furthering relations that appeared to be unraveled, but at whose end? During the moment of take off and touch down into a sinfully enchanting city, I had time to think about where exactly I wanted “this” relationship to head. If I wanted to challenge my fears and uneasiness and completely get lost into the newness of old comfort and security? With so many questions and thoughts on my mind, one solid answer came before me. This answer basically stated to just enjoy the moment and life experienced and expressed in this moment. So much of our time and life is sacrificed for everyone else, but ourselves. I am willing to take my time for me. I am willing to walk slowly forward and question each step, not out of fear, but out of genuine interest.
So this particular path I decided to walk on and through with my best heels. I came across a person who actually likes me for me weird ways. I came across someone who appreciates me for just being me. I have no idea how they tolerate my temper tantrums and moments of pure hell, however, their patience and willingness to ease my upset inspires me. In fact I really looked at you. I saw all of you. There was no false pretense or anything above and beyond. You presented yourself to me in so many ways. You afforded me the opportunity to see just who you really are. I felt entrapped in safety and security. I left the handle bars go and raised both my hands in the air and continually peddled emotionally. It felt good to let go and let it be.

New Year and another written note
This is my first New Year movement and moment where I decided that I did not make any New Year’s Resolutions. I decided that I am going to live and enjoy my life to the fullest. My6 willingness to please and be pleased must be balanced, and with that I incorporated understanding and patience and a new ability to listen and learn. So many times my feelings were placed before all. I could not resolve an issue without physically experiencing it to point where it paralyzed me. I upset myself by taking offense to everything. I decided that no matter what the situation is, I will no longer feel slighted or hurt to the extent of utter bitterness. I understand now that people experience and go through many things, and that life is extremely full of the up’s and down’s, however, how we handle and address the situation speaks volumes of how we will conduct ourselves. I am fortunate for the ability to break down and express myself and emotions through written knowledge. So this New Year I decided to be able to tackle the immense fears of failure and hurt. I have the ability to recognize issues and problems. I have the ability to make sound judgment and not allow anything to center itself to me. I have the ability to progress and move further on in my life to the point of completion and success. Inner mantras allow me to further myself, to trust in myself and actually love myself. Something that has taken time. Time sought from others to bring upon me. I am smiling and feeling great about this New Year and some of the recent decisions and choices. I desire amazing moments and good times.
What creeps back, crawls…….
Your effort to elude my common sense will not winner over me. It takes time for me to disappear to be realized all over again. I had a sample of good wine. Actually great wine. You’re a beer! Get lost!

Lesson Thirty- Six
Take time to love you and know you. Someone who appreciates and will value you will join you.
Happy New Year and to a happy and healthy HEART!