Stunted-

I wonder about the state of affairs of the human heart, so jaded by the greed of others that one can become emotionally smothered with disappointment. 

Looking at still pictures and allowing each photograph to tell a detailed story is something the mind easily jumps at, especially if it is the story of a former lover as they have easily transitioned your experience with them out of memory to then place their newly interest as easily and openly as ever before. 

What comes into question is my own judgement and the validation of my heart above all and the experiences my heart decides to take on or easily rule out and forget. I can't help but wonder why my love was never enough to be claimed by their love, but yet to watch them smoothly transition into a newly assigned love, and have left me far and behind I can't help but remain in a stunted stance.

There comes into question many life doubts and questions to mind, but at the end of the day what has to be understood and recognized is that everyone is allowed their own motivation and as to why this particular life happening occurred and ended as so, and knowing this is the hardest piece ever.

So, I can sit uncomfortably in my feelings or I can choose to move along and move on with my love just as my past love interest did. With no ill feelings towards their eased movement, but a sense of peace towards the connective tie that needed to be cut.

Snip. 

Snip.

Arrhythmia of Sorts: No Regrets!

Perhaps it's my rain stained window pane, or the cold air that brushes my hair past my eyes or the deep and calming breaths I must take in order to relax and not think about the worst of the thoughts that have crossed my mind. 

Within a day there is so much contact and interaction taking place that even the smallest upset and discomfort can cause a shit storm or emotions and we all know that sitting in on those feelings and not facing them are the safest and best bet as we know it, but then again within each moment of emotional upset experienced there is always a lesson to be learned.

Proving yourself to the one you like can take a nose dive instantly when you aren't exactly sure as to why you are in need for anyone else's approval beyond your very own? Everything you gather and build upon in life should not be stamped out simply because a little emotional love loss is holding you heart in whim. 

I think back to the times when control was a wonderful thing to have and a sense of balance and sustainability was all a woman ever needed, but then came someone who captured my mind, but impaled my heart having me literally spin on the hearts axis in such a way that I haven't even secured my emotional balance just yet and I actually wonder when will I ever regain control again?  

This is a first time in a long time that I have felt the down side of love. The feelings of wondering if you meet your makers eyes, and if each text message, exchanged phone contact or slippage of the heart is enough to keep them wanting more. When your self doubt turns into worry and wonderment and when the need to prove your utter heroic feats beyond the normal claims of life simply overwhelms it all. 

Logic was never a best friend, but a wonderful associate to be disguised in the echoes of an arrhythmic heart...

So I am counting my love pangs and wanting to slow the beats down to a wondrous drum that flows with the naturalness of love, life and my own personal pursuit of happiness. I am me because I have grown into this woman whose personal life stance is one to reckon with and determination and ability to live out my best life yet never deterred me from anything and anyone. It is just when you meet and equal match that you begin to question everything about your life and choices in life that could have mattered the most to you or perhaps changed you for the best, but then I realize that each struggle I underwent and each moment that was upsetting in my eyes was nourishing in my mind and blazed a life lesson upon my heart. 

I neither fear or excuse myself from the inner comfort of being unapologetically me...as a friend, a daughter, a sister, a cousin, a future mother, a wife and lover. Within doubt lays reason to disguise and there is no mask fitting enough then your very own reflection and image that stares and stands before you.

The heart spills many truths: A break down of the many facets of emotional depth!

I fear nothing and no one but you...

There is this building block model that I recall being taught about in basic psychology. This model was about building experiences and life sequences from the basics of beginnings and allowing everything to be put together in an almost natural occurrence and within stages. So structured and so easy to develop, but yet this model is currently not suiting even my most basic hearts needs at the moment.

So easy to allow someone you absolutely know you have no chance of building any life blocks with to simply simmer into your world, uninhibited you become and easily impressionable and subject to temporary insanity, but when you start developing a friendship with physical and sexual and mental attraction with an entirely different personality and different person you are normally used to attracting you become lost for words and even lost within your own existence. Temporary insanity experienced again? I plead the 5th...

This journey leads me to believe that your personal life slights and self detracting statements and even lowered self esteem in regards to particularly thorny areas within your life all face center and draw your inner and most immediate attention. It's as if everything you had going for you and life experienced and valued meant all nothing, because he stood before you in his amazing and at times heroic glory brimming from head to toe in an ungodly perfection. 

Holding yourself as your very own savior in the highest esteem and glory, how could someone even come a close second or even topple your momentous stance and self declared stature?

As rhythmic as I have become, my heart continues to beat an arrhythmia of discord and discomfort. I have become subjected to my own criticism and my own inner needs to appear as perfect as ever, but in actuality I am blatantly flawed. The feelings of not being enough, or even not countering your own presence scares me. I am literally unsettled and off balanced and afraid to even be anything resembling myself, because I know longer trust my reactions towards you. 

Yet again, I ask myself why is it that I can date males that lead me astray, play all the games in the world and lie from here to California, but yet when someone whose genuine is faced in front of me I have no idea how to react and interact in my most basic needs and instincts...this is baffling me. Why are you causing this reaction within me, or better you why am I responding to you as such and in a way that continues to plague my mind.

"I know your body better than you do, I might not cum at all, but you do..." ugh the life pangs of an emotional inception of my mind and body and sensual spot and unsure heart. I want to go forward, I want to pull you in and wrap my arms tightly around your waist and allow them to slowly slide to embrace your head bringing you further in. I want to make love to your senses and never let you go. Beginning with that building block tool I never claimed to use, but now I am understanding the need for secular perfection.

Why aren't I allowing you in...How do I reach you and most importantly Do I want this?

Karmatic Ties: The emotional development and funneling of kismet.

I listen because I want to hear you. I listen because it is apart of getting to know you much better, but as I listen am I looking forward to giving of myself verbally?

It’s a stage and it’s a process I continually tell myself. The deeper you garner the experience the more far-gone you go and the more vulnerability becomes exposed within yourself when you begin to give of yourself.

 I still notice that I am holding in, but allowing a little bit of myself to seep through the emotional cracks. The fear of rejection and an unfavored reaction is deeply felt. All I continue to know is that I am simply I, and I must accept the challenges and changes that funnel up from within.

The temptation to be oblivious to what is before me is serious, but what faces me is something that I want to know. It’s with someone that holds my attention and allows me to think about the possibilities of sharing myself and receiving themselves in an exchange of karmatic ties and kismet.

So as this year nears an end within the next two months I have a lot of figuring out to do, firming of my abilities to communicate my emotional needs in an a way that affirms where I am heading to in regards to my love life and my present moment when developing a friendship, open and honest communication and respecting the wave lengths of allowing life to present it’s best self.

So when my waves of doubt start to funnel in I wont react in a way that will prevent me from a calming souls blessing of peace, guidance and the development of something true.