I see you

Truly I never thought I would see you as clearly as I am seeing you now, Your intent is known. I am aware of what exactly you are wanting and needing from me. I am realizing that all of this time I harbored these intense, dream-like, unrealistic one sided romantic relationship. The disbelief and chains I held on my emotional center and mind. To think I was closely relating chance happenings and meetings and moments when you disclosed and expressed your inner most personal wants and needs to me as a way for us to bond, build and grow stronger and get a lot closer to one another. I the insolent human being allowed my emotional state to be so suffocated by your bull shit, that I was unable to survive the emotional turmoil for the next two and half years.........

And to this admission of my weakness, I ask myself where do you go from here? How are you going to rewrite another two years of lost time? I can only answer my own personal questions openly and honestly and omit to my life weakness and moment in my emotional state and time when I succumbed to feelings of bliss and assumed love.

So counting time and time again my emotional upheaveals and battles with the way to love and learn and how to go about it the right way or assumed right way.....all I can say is that I am not afraid to love again, and although I have come across amazing moments and experiences in my life and time, I have come to terms with knowing that in my past I have loved and attempted to deny love and live crazed and fancy free, however, I have grown into love and experiences and had some amazing moving moments, and at other time I had tail spins and world winds, but I simply maintained my open and closed mindset.......but now I have found. The freedom......The ability to vocalize all my intentions and meaning, and holding all my desires and emotions accountable. No longer will I feel that I am settling for less, but I am looking to compliment my personal self, journeys and growth for the better.

It took seeing how possessive someone was, and one sided and determined to take their emotional shortcomings out on my highly bubbly and personable personality and self. It took an insecure man to see my ability to captivate a crowd or group, smile and laugh and show my amazing love and life. A man to separate me from my reason and abilities, and hold me almost hostage to my emotions and love life, confused and in a zombie-like state.........Years of on and off and wasted moments, but lesson learned.

Giving myself up and over to the ability to transcend and grow up and develop to live and learn and definitely love again encourages me. I have faith and believe that I am able to make the most of my passions and desires in my life and within my own eyes. Day by day I am building on controlling my emotions, and taking hold and capture of my life and within my own world. I am fortunate and blessed and ready to continue to experience and learn and give back. I have learned and lived to see another day, moment and time in my life.

The romantic and relationship chaos is what I have made it through. I am making it through. Day by day, moment by captured moment.

I salute you

For your strength and dedidcation o continuing to better yourself. I salute you on your daily battles, whether it's right or going towards the wrong....you stand true to yourself and your individual life choices.
You welcome others into your burning heart, letting people in and letting people go. Sacrificing your happiness for the sake of others. You amaze me. I thank you. Time and time again you places your needs secondary to others. You look to the only one who can set us free. You count on faith that everyday you will get better as well as others. Your well wishes and kind thoughts leave no one uncovered. Even for the ones who choose to be beacons on negative lights, you choose to support and surround them with your blessings and faith.
Emotions lead you back, but logic captures you in. Although you have struggled and continue to struggle you remain humble to everything before you.
There was a time when nothing was going well. Everything looked dull and black. Space and time held no meaning, there was no sense of balance. Yet you remained humble and believed each struggle felt and experience, each tiring and endless moment all would work out well and for the best.
Steadfast in the belief that it may not happen how we want and expect it to occur, but it will occur.
I thank you. For you have grown. You have grown.

Intrigued!

Having almost talked myself out of a date, I decided to give this date a chance and not be overly judgemental or entirely uninterested. By the grace of nature and the happenings of modern technology and a schedule that continues to grow, with too many things to do during the day, and so little down time to rest and relax and regroup.
So I rescheduled my date from yesterday to today. I actually felt a little bad, that I allowed life and the many occurences to dictate my time. I am the one looking and seeking companionship, and when offered the opportunity to get to know a new person and start fresh with no doubts or in betweens, I bombed! However, Mr. New called, and he was ok with rescheduling, and actually he wanted to hang out today (the following day) which led me to believe that he was very interested in meeting with me. So I approved, and am actually looking forward to meeting him.

I made amends with a lover from the past, knowing that we left each other on good terms, and although we remain in love with each other, at this moment and time, having a relationship probably isn't possible. Visiting each other, and beginning anew and again, seems to be a more accurate display of our love and affections and attentions. The question I pose to myself is, am I able to balance this love act? Will I be seeking and searching for more? I am able at this time now to say that I am aware of the love and relationship I want for myself and my life, and although I love him, I can't have the type of relationship I would want with him just now. It may or may not occur, however, I am not remaining optimistically challenged, I am remaining realistically appealing!

So I decided to try dating websites, and also, new forms and venues of dating and I have concluded that the dating websites aren't for me, and also, meeting friends from friends through friends is ok at times, but not appealing. So just how and where do I meet these amazing characters, who may write a piece and response in my life? I am trusting that it will occur, and when it occurs I will know. I was once told that my "hippie" thoughtset of "it will be will be" isn't logical or even for that matter practical, but it has worked out at best and well for me, you see I know and feel my love, and my love and strength for and towards another. I trust my instincts and don't doubt myself at all. For with each passing day he sways closer and closer to me......

A calm has settled and come over me. I am ready and relaxed and willing to take my time. I value the importance and life lessons I have been taught, and I use to test and doubt myself, however, no longer. I am very proud of myself, and also, I look forward to the many learned life lessons!

Paradise....

I welcomed you back into my life, to what degree and what aspect, I have no idea, all I know is that I want to be there for you, and there with you. Our time is limited and unfortunately infrequent, however, our love is ever long and lasting. Reading your response to my email inquiry led me to believe two things, that the love still remains between us, that connection that is undeniable and so strong remains. Secondly, where do we go from here? Does acknowledging our feelings and emotions and verifying this connecting bond mean anything in regards to continuing on and pursuing further?

This week has been a feelings and emotionally challenged and based week. I have come to terms with being a sensual and sexual women past and present, however, I am shaping my future. No longer seeking pleasurable moments in short lived relationships, no longer holding my heart, my love and myself hostage. I am answering each beckoned call, and declining uninteresting partners. I have grown up to respect the quality of love making and my partner, rather than the quantity of several partners, and mixing and matching and comparing love making sessions.

So I am starting to refocus and revisit the idea of meaningful relationships, monogamy at a whole, celibacy and sexual isolation, individual pleasure and self pleasurable and pleasing experiences. I am developing and learning the language and lingo of my world and life, but bringing maturity and experience, valued lessons and learned experiences into increased knowledge and awareness and a better handle on my suggested relationship and love out look.

I let go the dead end people and relationships that were going no where. My guilt in staying confined and one with my demise no longer suits me. I am ok with loving more than one person, I am ok with truly exploring my boundaries and opening up my love life and world to a willing and cherishing partner. I have settled for less too many times, and end up the outsider looking in. So I choose to select my experiences. I choose to share my mind, body and soul with a lucky partner, not just a temporary respite for the night. Longevity......

When does one stop holding back? I am letting go. I am giving myself a chance. I am not denying myself no longer, and whereever this connection between me and you go and furthers I will take it there. I welcome it and you. I truly loved you all my life. I loved you enough to let you go, and allow different love and relationships to enter my life, but I never stopped loving you. Although I couldn't help but separate you from my world, I didn't entirely give in or give up. I faltered, but I came right back to circle and where I belong, and that's with you.

So this may work out, this may fail. The distance may get us, but one thing I know is I am not letting go. I am going to make my most and best attempts and love like I always loved. With you and for you.

Lesson Eight Five: Love on Top.....
It returns back to you as never before. Once you experienced it and are given a second opportunity to pursue it, I say take it. I say enjoy your life and make those mistakes, and rekindle those lost issues and incidents for the appropriate closure needed. This moment in my life I am allowing myself to be. I am allowing myself to go full circle, explore and experience and love!

Love will never part

Love will never leave those who dearly don’t want it to ever depart. ………
You created an experience for me, which is lasting a life time through me. When we found love I was at a point and time in my life where everything hurt and everyone hurt me. I not only lost my third serious relationship with a partner, I lost my mother at that time, I lost also a friendship with someone who I grew up with, valued their opinion at times and genuinely loved them. The chaos my life was heading towards and the downward spiral my soul was leaning to helped to continue to suffocate me more. I let go of everything I lived for and valued and believed in. I didn’t treasure my body, soul or logical mind. I didn’t appreciate anything or anyone who entered my world, from fear that they would continue to hurt, misguide and mislead me. I lost faith in myself, and everything I was slowly working towards building. My life had literally slipped away from me, and I wasn’t even willing or wanting to reclaim it back what so ever.
You entered my life in the late 2006, early 2007 year. Physically you attracted me, so no matter what you said you look and appeal mattered more to me. I didn’t want to get to know anyone in particular or have that long lasting attraction, but there was something about you that remained refreshing and new. My plans initially were to leave NY and relocate to TN to start anew and fresh, but life and it’s happenings and puzzling experiences never swayed me to the southern direction, however, our friendship remained and actually we started enjoying a friendship, knowing that the physicality of it all remained, but it would never be experienced because of our distance, budding friendship and life happenings. Having deeply heard of your experiences with particular and other women, it never bothered me too much. When I started getting a twinge of jealousy, I easily summed that moment up with “he is just my friend, nothing more and nothing less”……however, in 2008 our friendship and relationship forever changed. When you picked me up from the airport I fell in love with you, and it appears that I am still in love and unable to let you entirely go. Even with dating others and falling in love again with another, I was never quite the same or as committed as I was with you. I continually thought about you, and even with not texting or calling you, or calling you and hanging up, I still felt that hot rush of nostalgia sweeping through my veins in memory of you.
I don’t dream of Genie, but I damn sure dream of you. I reached out to you, and there is just something that I possibly can’t just yet do, or for that matter if I want to do it without you…….it’s living and experiencing and exploring my life. I have always seen you as a major part and person in my life, but damn how can we be and how do we go from here………..
I continue to ask for guidance and blessings to allow me to see where exactly I am headed and where exactly are you meant to be in my life. I have never held on to anything or anyone as much as I love and value you. My dating experience and times with people I have loved has complimented me, but never l
My journey in life continues to be pressing and a major picture in my mind and soul, but regardless of anything you will remain a major factor in my life, and for that I cannot, and will not just yet let you go. I believe all the relationship trials and tribulations, that stop and start’s occurring and simply not knowing how to validate myself and my feelings has pressed me further into the relationship hole. I must salvage my romantic life and face the many woes and issues experienced. If I am to be with you, then let me be with you. I am giving myself that experience and time to fight for your love again. To be a deserving partner of our shared loved again. I never tried with you, as I know I could and we obviously didn’t give each other a change because we allowed distance and people to interfere, but now it’s me. It’s just you. Where does our hearts part?

Lesson Eighty Four: Love will never linger too far away, my reality and true love has always been there in front of me.
When I realized that I didn’t give you a fair try and relationship, I then began understanding where our love went wrong. My ability to not see things entirely through and to believe and hold on to the fact that everything will eventually work itself through has held no weight in my emotional waters. I truly never gave us the time to expand and grow and now I am taking it there. Be it for good or for bad, I shall close this chapter, or renew its interest.