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Showing posts from 2013

A new found passion and life mission.

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If you could foresee your future in times of uncertainty, would you want to know? I have always held a sense of impatience with simply just waiting around for life to just happen. Although I am aware that we put in the necessary legwork in general to get the wheels turning, but really who has time for that in a day and age of instant gratification and appeasement? Well apparently I have the awareness within and the gathered patience that rendered my 2013-year full of surprises and long-term transitions. 2013 appeared to be the year of self-recognition. The mistakes from past have all healed and bought to form a recognizable difference within me. I cannot force life to undo itself or reveal its intentions. I have made amends with the power of words and my usage of it. Having determined that faith and guidance was no longer a spiritual reference, but something in life that always occurred even when unknown. The inevitability of life escaping right before my eyes within the tight gras…

Cheers to the past, hello to my present and I await you future.

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If only I had truly listened to you. I listened over you. I listened through you, but I never gravitated to entirely hearing you. I never understood the depth of your deception. I never realized just how much your needs outweighed my very own. In my hopes that you wanted me, I was stuck in a naive dream and in this dream you countered everything I saw of you. I saw your selfish ways, I saw your stubborness and your ability to entirely take control of my conversation and very own thoughts. I was willed to want you from a sense of self depricating life lessons, that was unwillingly learned and taught. Now I have found the time to really appreciate what and whom matters to me the most. A lover who absolutely is into me. Into me in a sense of making sure that I am ok, I exist and that I am healthy and truly stable within my day. A lover who sincerely wants to create life with me, and build around me. A restored fortress of two lost souls looking to submerge in unity of a newfound day and …

In my own WORLD

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Although I walk to the beat of my own drum, it continues to sample your rhythmic hues! I can absolutely say that my weekend was best expressed and summed up in the nook of his arms. Yes, I absolutely enjoyed him nestled behind me and curling deep within me. It was like breathing and drinking deeply at the same time. Hard to do, but even harder to experience, so when you have the opportune time and moment to remain clasped to your lover I would definitely say take advantage of it! As the New Year slowly start to echo it's arrival to me, I have become captivated by the middle and ending of my 2013 year. The monotonus moments, endless mood swings and the tremendous changes in my thoughts and outlook. Although I have written numerous blogs and provided serious counseling sessions in the relationship and romance and dating departments at that time in my life I still hadn't capitilized on my own individual journey. I have struggled with being extremely imperfect in an imperfect w…

Clearing out another year, and so it begins

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My year was a tumultuous one, filled with heart ache and personal triumphs. So many changes that has literally left me gasping for air, but yet I stand. A stance garnered by failure, disappointment and misconceptions. A heart left to plunge deeper into the depths of self imposed solace, because no one has calmed my inner storm. Are they to rescue me? What exactly am I looking for... As my favorite holiday starts to set the stage for upcoming New Year, so will I set a standard for betterment of self and more.  Although I am licking my self inflicted love wounds, I haven't entirely settled as of yet.  I look to the sky and all the stars above and I know that everything will be ok.


Silent all these Years...

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My heart wasn't entirely present today. My mind was readily available, and it was determined to gather everything it had collected in it's defense. My mind was unsettled and not confidant in the few experiences that have guided it's present state. Unbeknown to what my lips would spill forth, the nervous tension and ambivalence in my stance became even more obvious. Yes, something was going to be told and it wasn't something that would crack smiles to ashen faces. It was neither something that would cause for celebration and admiration in ones inspiration. It was painful, it was difficult but yet it had to be done.

The build up was intense. The mindset was fixed and the heart was hiccuping perplexities. Angina attacks ensued...it appeared as if the room was spinning. Everything was unsettling. A thought, a reason as to why...just everything was unstable, but yet it had to be spoken.

I felt the most fearful feelings mixed with extreme let down and disappointment within s…

The UN-Conditional heart

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When the stakes get high you are forced to dig deeper and go further within to pull yourself out of a love ridden war zone. When you begin to fear the walls of lust caving in on you, and the reality of what is to be phasing away, what are you left to do? Just recently I witnessed a side of myself that I haven’t touched upon in sometime. I was frustrated and stunted in regards to the recent happenings in my life. I was a volatile storm just brewing in the midst of my darkened days and endless nights. Fresh off disappointment, work related stress, dreams and the reality of some dreams appearing far-fetched I turned within and realized I was not alone. I was in a relationship. I signed on to this and I began to experience the hopes and dreams of new found passion and love. Everything was an open book including my life woes and problems, when they did not exist, but once they started to surface I immediately ran deeply within myself, wishing to ride this wave alone. I stand corrected…my l…

He mattered

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He is showing me things about my love I had no knowledge of. He is showing me things about my love I never dreamed about. He is showing me things about my love I could only experience with him.
I realized that within my vulnerability I saw a glimmer of my strength. I actualized a feeling that I assumed would be listlessly lost with my admission of longing for him. 
I longed for him like no other. I day dreamed about him and recalled an exquisite experience that bonded us together, although it has been a transitional struggle for my mind to finally allow him to seep in I welcomed him.
He is my lover and souls surrender. He is my guide and man of my dream. He is no longer a lettered fantasy, but everything I desire and more.
I sleep to dream for my lover meets me there!

It was all a Dream

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I welcomed this month with a sense of unkempt reservations. I have not attained a sense of balance, and so far I have been off kilter and not centered as much. I could pin point particulars, but nothing to define these moments that have led up to my current state of moody contemplation! I like the way that sounds! Although nothing is set in stone and everything and everyone is subject to transitions and changes, it still remains an adjustment to be swallowed within. It can be troubling and mind consuming. The emotions associated with strife, best intentions and not knowing a possible outcome can be unsettling at best. Then again everything that’s unresolved and left to willow itself in the deadened air is not a comforting feeling. But as with everything lived it’s a learning experience and within my unease and discomfort I continue to smile, for the missed placed intimacy and mood breaking kisses, to the resolved issue that left me raw and uncomfortable, to then feel blanketed in love…

A riddled Moment

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If memory serves us then so does reflective reminders that we are not prone from distance memories, and that we recall just about everything that has happened to us in an almost sparked revival of just a thought.

I have arrived at a life fixture when my memory serves as a lamp lighting my path ahead, but shielding me from what once stood before me. Although it's behind me, my ears are lightly enticed by previous pullings that stir each cell within my body.

A simple message can be received many ways, and can then form and retranslate into something else. I can not entirely dismiss all, and I can't not entirely deny previous, for in my denial comes my restraint and within my restraint comes my utter state of the unknown.

I question the parallel's within a vertical dimension I reside in. My up has become my laying stance, and my standing upright stance has become my crouching tiger.

I further challenge myself by simply stating it is my life and I am entitled to whatever exper…

Then What???...No longer the Status Quo!

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When you have fed your thirst and silenced the cravings, then what? When you have broken a kiss and turned away from the lips you had connected with, then what? When you have departed from the moment that once held you captive, then what?

Having experienced a lot of "Then What" moments in my lifetime, I haven't really thought about the moments after the disconnection. At one time I isolated my mind on only the time in between and none after. Time was of essence when it was experienced within that limiting moment.

Recently I had to tell myself that the "Then What" was simply a temporary fleeting feeling that would too pass, and when it passed I would be able to put in place moments in time that would matter the most to me, and so I have.

It's never too late to replace former experiences with enhancing experiences. For instance, the enjoyment of your lovers company should not only be limited to the time you spend together, but it should also include the time …

Last Night

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I was swallowed into the depths of my emotions, by the passion of another; and just not any old passion, but the passion of a lover.
He is not just any old lover, but he is a lover of my mind's design. He is the lover who I will not object to. He is the lover my body and soul has beckoned to, on endless nights and throughout endless dreams I called to him and he has finally arrived.
The kissing and the caressing was never so deep, until he entered me our hearts molded and it became complete. A pack between just us two. Destined for more, as the sunset and the night skies settled between us; I lay in the middle of my bed looking up and exhaling a heartfelt thank you.
Thank you for sending me someone whose inclined to want to delve the depths of self with me. Thank you for allowing me to free my mind from the sorrows of bittersweet and transient moments that were all temporary in passing. 
As he deepened his connection to mine, I opened my eyes and allowed myself to see it all. His …

Comfort Zone

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A balance of energy will allow you to settle. The feeling of being a mixed bowl of uncontrollable emotions can get to you, but what allows you to be calm and absolutely in a relaxed and restive state is adhering to your inner self. When you realize that a rush for answers in demanding tones and in an uncharacterirstically way isn't what's needed, then you are left to once again tackle this situation. If I couldn't reslove your slight or hurt I would wonder If I couldn't discern between what was making you upset or bothered in a way I would wonder If I couldn't hear an answer as to why you are experiencing and going through some things then I would still wonder It's in the not knowing that gets me. When its noticable and reflective it becomes stifiling. At times you simply just want the person to blirt everything out, but then again you are being validated and acknowledge, what about their impending issue? A learning lesson towards myself is within allowing the …

It's within the CHEMISTRY that we question it ALL.

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Chemistry can be a connecting factor and a force to reckon with. Chemistry can also be a determining factor in regards to the next steps you wish to pursue with your selected lover. I have found that with my previous to present relationships chemistry has been a major factor resulting in several outcomes. Some of the outcomes resulted in shorter relationships, and other outcomes resulted in the string along effect. This effect occurs when there is no clear concise guidelines and sense of direction within your relationship. At times the string along affect went hand and hand with chemistry, because there was only that slight pull that kept the relationship current and existent. So I ask myself on this date, what it means to have chemistry and a deepened connection. What does it mean to be vulnerable and imperfectly perfect with your significant other? I can’t rely on my past and previous experiences to afford me the answers I have been long awaiting, but what I can do is look to my pre…

Innocence is bliss…

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I decided to look at you, and when I looked at you I really looked at you. I looked within in you, and as you spoke to me everything seemed to become clearer. The fear is a self-imposed slum created by myself. Within this fear I am left to venture on my own. I can’t tell you how many times I have allowed this fear to simply swallow an experience. An experience that needed time to grow and space to pace itself out, but no…I simply didn’t want to allow anything to seep within to nurture, develop and grow; I rushed light speed into lust without ever knowing love, and as I look back on the time spent rekindling nothingness I am left in a stilled silence. That was then… Currently, the fear and doubt exist still, but I don’t allow them to outweigh my passion for more. My love for the shared continuation of two lives drawn in unison to fall lovingly together through in-depth experiences carries my soul.

Honestly Speaking...

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So I wait all of this time to absolutely become swallowed within myself and fear the developing of another's touch, taste and embrace and shared life experiences with me. I allow life to coincide with my individual needs and wants, but then when life presents a want and a need I have desired after and for, I become lost for words and have a hard time swallowing. My throat aches from the pull of what I know I should be saying, but I don't. I instantly become an active listener and I tune into you, but tune myself out. How do I begin again? Better yet, how do I allow myself to remain in a calm and not so much fixed state? Your responses are not what I am to expect. My reaction towards you are not to be forced. The flowing force of nature and pure life chemistry can not be tested, and I wont tamper with it. I have no doubts and I have no fear. Normalcy resumes I begin to breathe again. my once dry mouth is moistened and my former fears kindly separate from me. Suddenly I am faced…

The heart speaks

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Whatever it takes to sustain yourself and your specific interest in someone you will continue to do any and everything to maintain your courtship. In depth and in knowing someone so deeply the intimacy can never be denied. There is nothing that we wont do in the name of knowing...

My weekend consisted of a series of intimate thoughts, and not just simplistic wants and needs and desires that could be met; but they consisted of learning to be vulnerable, and no longer battling with WORDs and their individual meanings and impressions within my life. I have learned that being vulnerable doesn't make me weak. Being vulnerable does not allow me to see myself as a secondary option within someone else's life, because I am fearful of letting them go. Being vulnerable does not cloud my judgement or glaze my eyes.
Being Vulnerable allows me to explore the depths of my emotions without feeling as if they will be a burden to another if recognized and asked about them. Being vulnerable allo…

I was humbled

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When you think about everything that could possibly go wrong in your life, you become your own worst critic. What was an experience that went terribly wrong becomes an experience that increases in it's pain levels. Each increment of hurt and anguish and "what if" brings you literally to your knees. Your complexion has paled in comparison to it's once sun kissed perfection. To expect the worst is your new norm. Can I tell you that this story has literally defined my life? I have become so engrossed in the possibility of not being able to transcend these tempoary and fleeting moments which are to be expected; to then look further and dig deeper within my heart of all hearts. This story begins with everything happening as expected and then gradually me losing my footing and floating aimlessly to an undefined life line. Pain becomes happiness and being down and deeply indifferent to a sense of change and to challenge oneself to push just a little further remains lost wit…

Life Residuals

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I awoke thinking perhaps I should dive right into love. I should simply take my cares to the world and shower myself with limitless love. Glistening passions and intensified moments that all comply into one identifiable experience. I shouldn't overwhelm myself with what could be, I should simply allow what will be to occur. As a constant thinker it becomes increasingly hard to just relax my mind and allow my body to naturally be led towards YOU. There are definite stops along my way of finding YOU, and there are definite pauses in discovering these renewed feelings within me. I can define these feelings and apply them to a thought set and life mode or perhaps even pattern, but I don't want to. I don't want to know...I don't want to think any additionally or further... After all of these years of writing my relationships out I have yet wrote an entry that absolutely showed my reslove with wanting to allow life to simply exist as is with no excuses and exceptions or the…

What Moves ME

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A direct stare into my eyes. Reassurance that although our day was long, our night will be even longer. A kiss and caress And being held tightly into your arms as i open my neck to your lips invitations. My neck will forever be your lips place holder, designed to nestle and cradle only you. A quick meal and a shared evening drink or two. The sweetness to bitter mix of wine on our tangled tongues entices even the loneliest of eyes. Our stumbling in between our clumsy hands pulling and tugging our work days clothes away...rushing to the spilling sounds of a delicious waterfall within our bathroom. We channel our travels to Jamaica and Belize and trace back each intricate detail of our well travelled bodies.The bathroom is filled with floral and almost candy cotton like smells, we pat dry one another and run into our cooled room. The covers smother us as we rest deeply in the middle of our bed, finding grace within our very own bodies.  What was once dripping wet has become a cooled dry. …

Love Battled.

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Guarding your emotions for just so long can finally cloak the soul, but when the soul no longers needs covering and when the body and heart want to be revealed how does one respond?

I absolutely was looking forward to this moment. I was simply giddy and excited and wanted it to occur more than anything. I paced arond work and made several circles around myself with excitement. I absolutely wanted more than anything for this moment to occur without any issues or problems, but as with life and planning things out in general nothing can be expected or guaranteed.

In so, my moment of contentment and peace was transformed into utter confusion and chaos. All types of thoughts began to shade my clear logic and mind. I began to pace back and fourth and wonder was it something I had said? Could it have been an accident or something ill occuring that separated him from me for that moment? Everything appeared to be going well just a few days ago, but now it simply appears that he has slipped fro…

If only...

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There is a space that exist between only you and yourself. Within this space I can not receive you. You will not move forward or backwards within this space, but remain implanted in the middle of your existence. I can continue to dream about just exactly who you are and will be, but the memory will never remain. 
I stumble on doubt and misconceptions, years of misdirection and no communication...but within this space within would all the doubt end?
No longer troubled about digging deep within your existence and finally finding peace within your space. 
I exist. You exist. We remain...


So they say...IT WAS ALL A DREAM

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PREVIOUSLY

If you stare into someone's eyes and engage their mind into an unspoken conversation, will you then find truth in the heart's desire?

If I close my eyes and lay back into the comfort of my bed, will I miss you?

My mind travels to the moment when I discovered my passion for you. I can not clarify love feelings, or feelings of love if I can not understand the mutual desire created between us. The issue at hand remains with letting you in.

You ask me "How can I serve you?" I answer in a way that is not receptive towards you. I answer in a way that has left character and umph to it. Nonchalant and challenging I have become, and why?

PRESENTLY

My trust levels have dampened. I have a lot of reservations, but honestly I remain optimistic that in fact although I am in a love
weakened state it's a temporary situation and will not best me. In fact, my eyes appear clear and free from the love fogs and haze that have previously seeped before me. I shall not fear …

Allowing the Heart to speak volumes

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There has never been a time when I left life questioning my own individual motives...as of recent. There hasn't been an occurrence when I literally was left impaled by a decision...as of recent.So I am sticking to current feelings and know what's best in my life and for my life. A fleeting love will never suit me, an undefined love with no grasp on mutual satisfaction will never keep me. An in the moment love will never matter to me, because my passions before and after will matter more. 
The reality is I love someone else. I have loved him for awhile, and I denied him for awhile, but I compared the price of my love for another and it just didn't match. To play in love and pretend to be in love is just something I could never do. To grow in love and want a love from you is something I can not do.  As you read this I want you to ask yourself was it ever love or you loved someone you thought you would never have? As hard as that is to say it was difficult for me to write. I bar…

Mercy...Mercy...ME

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You open my door and walk towards me...I am lying on my bed partially dressed and awaiting your longed for touch.

I don't know if it was the combination of the music and pepperment oil, but all I know is that my body was guided to complete satisfaction by you. My body and your body combined to bring the intensity of an unbreakable bond between us. I longed to touch you and embrace you and kiss you...I don't have to tell you how I liked to be touched, because you already know this. I don't have to adjust my own comfort levels, because I already know you. Lovers from before and after, lovers continually seeking out each other, lovers loving one another.

The after effects of your touches is irreplacable. I slept so soundly next to you. I stayed up until your breathing relaxed and your sleep induced snores began. our bodies beside one another in still induced unison. I am comforted with and within you, and during our passion induced state I forgot just how much I had missed…

You Ready Baby...

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I could absolutely eat you alive. I could lick my lips and recall each thrust you made within the depths of my feminine passions. I could lick a path down from your cheek to chin to the side of your neck and slowly encircle my lips around your nipples, to slowly guide my lips and kisses to your manly pleasure and passion...

I absolutely adore the eroticism of you. I simply adore the contentment and kept feeling of being surrounded by you. Held and encircled in your strong embrace. You not wavering with your emotional connection and obvious adoration of and for me. I allow myself to slip into your embrace.

To make believe that you was just a figment of my passion teased and longed for desired mind...I finally caught a glimpse of the superior feeling of unbridled desires. I wasted no time wanting my body to connect and feel yours. I waited up and planned my erotic night, knowing that you would not leave any place on my body untouched, unlicked and unkissed.

I could simply give up my …

All I want is YOU

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"As you undress me with your eyes know that there is more to what you see. Taking in all of my voluptuous glory, you will find no need to look astray; for I am all of yours for the taking. With each beat of my heart and pulsating vein you will know my desire for you..."

Awaken by the realization of my dream. I dreamt of making love, and not just any love...but absolutely so engaged in a trance of love making that I completely forgot the process of starting my day. I almost turned around and closed my eyes once again to visualize my lover. I wanted to remember his face, his name, his body, his scent and everything about him that literally drove me to want to remain in this dream-like state.

It's never easy being awoken from a dream that you want to experience each and everyday. I wonder when will be the next time I will actually experience this moment, but not in want or craving but in an actualized setting of sensual seduction every woman is entitled to experience.

Yes…

Get Back UP

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Sewing some oats and binding some forbidden ties I recognized that I continued to run into the same old bricks of the forbidden love life. The love life that I continued to image and dream about, with people who could not support or sustain my dream. Continually loving the unloveable, the jaded and the romantically uninclined male to lastly being seen in the eyes of another as a secondary motive and mention. What more could I possibly say and do? What more could I possibly want? Hey, I have my other faucets and areas of life that I continually excel at. Could this one section out of my life just be my overall demise and downfall?

I could go on and on about the disappointment and the discouraged feelings, but then as with everything and with life it's a learning tool. A tool to be utilized when you are at your lowest peak. A tool to be utilized when you are finally recognizing what exactly has been developing and brewing all along.

The art of forgiveness goes hand in hand with lo…

In stillness you will find just exactly what you was looking for...

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It happened...




The moment when I was faced with seeing, hearing and knowing all, but knowing nothing at all. The moment when my mind took over and silenced my inner gut reactions of having an emotional overload and melt down of feelings; feelings that were designated onto all forms of my past. Ex boo, ex love, ex ex and simply non justifiable relationships. My mind went numb…

It takes a lot of courage to write about your relationship downfalls, self-observations and over experience with love and when in love, but what stood out the most to me is finally hearing that answer I have been looking for all of this time. There is no need to upset myself or get bent out all over shape at what previously existed and had transpired within my life. All I could do was wish the ill thoughts away, pray for a better outlook and overall outcome and peace and stillness revolved around me.

There is nothing like the chase. There is nothing in comparison to wanting to be wanted by many, desired by a few…

To love and linger and move right on along...

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It's so easy to let go of something that serves no life purpose for me. It's amazingly simple to justify why this and that one wont work out in my best long term interest; and even so with saying that I find myself longing for you. Your memory remains etched in my mind and mended to my heart. There hasn't been no one like, similar, resembling or even cutting it a little close to my memory of you.


In distance and inability to make your most attempts at seeing ME as I am, I have come to feel disappointment in your perception of me. Assumingly my personal interest's are entirely different from your very own interests, but have you ever really asked me about my interest's in comparison to yours? Have you really taken the time to address the differences and find a common meeting point of two different but distinct personalities?

This fantasy relationship I am feeling and am engaging in has run many courses, and yet my battle to refrain from loving you never lasts too…

There is meaning for it all after all…

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No set answer, no single pathway or road…You Define your experience!

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