A new found passion and life mission.

If you could foresee your future in times of uncertainty, would you want to know? I have always held a sense of impatience with simply just waiting around for life to just happen. Although I am aware that we put in the necessary legwork in general to get the wheels turning, but really who has time for that in a day and age of instant gratification and appeasement? Well apparently I have the awareness within and the gathered patience that rendered my 2013-year full of surprises and long-term transitions. 2013 appeared to be the year of self-recognition. The mistakes from past have all healed and bought to form a recognizable difference within me. I cannot force life to undo itself or reveal its intentions. I have made amends with the power of words and my usage of it. Having determined that faith and guidance was no longer a spiritual reference, but something in life that always occurred even when unknown. The inevitability of life escaping right before my eyes within the tight grasp of clenched fists presented itself in 2012. I promised myself that not only would I claim the incoming New Year, but also I would finally seek the solace and contentment I know I could achieve and maintain. The discontentment with just simply existing and being with new found dating partners, and on/off again lover(s) didn't matter to me any more. A self-cleanse not only from the carnal needs of physical intimacy, but the discipline to recognize the blunders and the bullshit and fairytale endings kept me afloat. I was no longer in Wonderland...I had just arrived. A singular lesson of having held my own for so long, to then restart something so unfamiliar to me almost put me in a tailspin emotionally. My 2013 start and finish were quiet and appeared to have stabilized throughout the mishaps and life bumps. Oddly enough, I continued to hear a calm "This situation could be worse; there is hope within the hopeless". Swallowing my pride I allowed myself to retreat and lay still within the oncoming seasons that would creep in and challenge my sensibilities. For within my doubt stood fear and within my fear I remained tall. Unaltered passion and basic chemistry revved up my summer and allowed my inner most fantasies to peak. During this time I believe my body experienced an almost shock to its system. There was a time when my passion wavered between several interests, feminine to masculine as it ebbed and flowed. My attention span was limited at the time and my want(s) rippled like a rock dropped into a pond. The waves peaked and then settled all at once. A life challenge and transformation centered my heart, but it remained unsettled and beat rampantly. Yet again I was placed into another life altering situation that altered my ever-changing moods. I remained unsettled and at times at odd within myself, but I continued to learn life and the appreciation of the life I was living. In 2012 a mind-altering relationship not only centered me, but also stilled me. I ushered in 2013 with a newfound interest, and taste of life. Hobbies turned into life passions, dreams turned into destined happenings and no longer appeared as chance encounters. The way I viewed life and how I was conducting my very own existence mattered to me. I guess the moment I started documenting my passionate and at times love ridden experiences, I began freeing up time and space and most importantly my heart. As I bring this year to a close, I can’t help but pay homage with grace to all of the moments within this year that had built up to this blog entry. I have become stilled within. Faced to listen, seek and search for more than just the surface of life. My enjoyment, my adventure and pleasure based interactions and experiences that bring joy and happiness to my life have all come from a deep-seated need to remain in control of my life. At one time I thought control was a strong word, but it is actually a guiding tone setter to draw inner strength and experience from each and every moment I breathe. From taking within, I have been afforded the ability to give so much more. I am no longer limited in my interactions and experiences, and although I may stumble and fall, I will rise to the occasion. Never toppling too far and never venturing away. Welcoming 2014 and all of its new experiences and self-explorations, my mind has strengthened and its capacity has increased. Happy New Year

Cheers to the past, hello to my present and I await you future.

If only I had truly listened to you. I listened over you. I listened through you, but I never gravitated to entirely hearing you. I never understood the depth of your deception. I never realized just how much your needs outweighed my very own. In my hopes that you wanted me, I was stuck in a naive dream and in this dream you countered everything I saw of you. I saw your selfish ways, I saw your stubborness and your ability to entirely take control of my conversation and very own thoughts. I was willed to want you from a sense of self depricating life lessons, that was unwillingly learned and taught. Now I have found the time to really appreciate what and whom matters to me the most. A lover who absolutely is into me. Into me in a sense of making sure that I am ok, I exist and that I am healthy and truly stable within my day. A lover who sincerely wants to create life with me, and build around me. A restored fortress of two lost souls looking to submerge in unity of a newfound day and hope! I truly learned to cherish my love when I had a nostaligic moment and conversation with a former piece that not longer built the puzzle. A simple gesture of gratitude and friendship would have sufficed, but the ability to see nothing further in me then a physical feature and attribute no longer defined me. I realized the depths of love and the determination of ME. I realized that in passing some moments were never to be captured again and that they served their purpose in the past. My past would never define my future, and I would be free from any anxiety and self inflicted doubt any longer. When you see the ones who hold you close, in comparison to the ones that want to take everything from you, you then realize a mutual love is an earned and respected love and for which I no longer love, respect or want you. Salutations to CHRISTMAS PASS

In my own WORLD

Although I walk to the beat of my own drum, it continues to sample your rhythmic hues! I can absolutely say that my weekend was best expressed and summed up in the nook of his arms. Yes, I absolutely enjoyed him nestled behind me and curling deep within me. It was like breathing and drinking deeply at the same time. Hard to do, but even harder to experience, so when you have the opportune time and moment to remain clasped to your lover I would definitely say take advantage of it! As the New Year slowly start to echo it's arrival to me, I have become captivated by the middle and ending of my 2013 year. The monotonus moments, endless mood swings and the tremendous changes in my thoughts and outlook. Although I have written numerous blogs and provided serious counseling sessions in the relationship and romance and dating departments at that time in my life I still hadn't capitilized on my own individual journey. I have struggled with being extremely imperfect in an imperfect world and within my relationship. Comparison is the devil and the blue dress spotted on it was my distant and pulling memories. Although nostaligia is a wonderful experience and feeling to have vying for your eternal attentions, it's the slow killer. So what does one do when memory no long serves it's purpose and distant memories are the EVILs of it all...Hard enough question to fathom and even harder answer to come fourth with, but what was suspending me in stagnation and in an almost lovers duel with myself was simply my expectations of it all. I had thoughts about things I probably wont experience with my current lover, because it serves no purpose for me. I battled myself for creating my self imposed walls, but I was unwilling to break them down and so my year started with a wave of emotions and relationships that was surface only and not lasting. A mist of emptiness foamed my mouth and numbed my mind, but yet the actuality of reaching this point was exactly where I needed to be. I needed all of those moments that never really mattered to me then matter to me now. The heartfelt teary eyed breakup's and the what if conversations and why me and why not me...yes I needed them all. All of the hollowed feelings allowed me to step comfortably into my confusion and build from within. Deeply am I rooted in experiening my life.

Clearing out another year, and so it begins

My year was a tumultuous one, filled with heart ache and personal triumphs. So many changes that has literally left me gasping for air, but yet I stand. 

A stance garnered by failure, disappointment and misconceptions. A heart left to plunge deeper into the depths of self imposed solace, because no one has calmed my inner storm. Are they to rescue me? What exactly am I looking for...

As my favorite holiday starts to set the stage for upcoming New Year, so will I set a standard for betterment of self and more. 

Although I am licking my self inflicted love wounds, I haven't entirely settled as of yet. 

I look to the sky and all the stars above and I know that everything will be ok.

Silent all these Years...

My heart wasn't entirely present today. My mind was readily available, and it was determined to gather everything it had collected in it's defense. My mind was unsettled and not confidant in the few experiences that have guided it's present state. Unbeknown to what my lips would spill forth, the nervous tension and ambivalence in my stance became even more obvious. Yes, something was going to be told and it wasn't something that would crack smiles to ashen faces. It was neither something that would cause for celebration and admiration in ones inspiration. It was painful, it was difficult but yet it had to be done.

The build up was intense. The mindset was fixed and the heart was hiccuping perplexities. Angina attacks ensued...it appeared as if the room was spinning. Everything was unsettling. A thought, a reason as to why...just everything was unstable, but yet it had to be spoken.

I felt the most fearful feelings mixed with extreme let down and disappointment within self. I literally felt the nail going into the coffin, and yet I wondered if this is something I should simply tread on in thought only, or would I echo my sentiments in mixed passings...

I could no longer hold in the discomfort felt and the unanswered questions as to why this was occurring between us. Yes, life would simply be easy when you could really just point out someone to literally blame any and everything on, cry about it an transition on to fresh meadows and clear skies, but this situation and issues built upon issues was not like any other.

A difference of opinions and a difference in whose slights, anger, aggression and annoyance wielded the most woes this week. Everyday was a push and budge effect on a love stricken battle field, and it simply boiled down to...how are you really feeling? Yet I still attempted to blame and point and cry and argue, but to whose interest and whose happiness? Not I...

An interest bloomed. A wavering of emotionally interactions stormed unsure seas and lost. A battle of the mind and heart whose not working alongside one another will always spell trouble, and yes it was a battle of all the wills and wits and emotional fronts I lost to.

I am neither amazed or saddened.

I knew.

The UN-Conditional heart

When the stakes get high you are forced to dig deeper and go further within to pull yourself out of a love ridden war zone. When you begin to fear the walls of lust caving in on you, and the reality of what is to be phasing away, what are you left to do? Just recently I witnessed a side of myself that I haven’t touched upon in sometime. I was frustrated and stunted in regards to the recent happenings in my life. I was a volatile storm just brewing in the midst of my darkened days and endless nights. Fresh off disappointment, work related stress, dreams and the reality of some dreams appearing far-fetched I turned within and realized I was not alone. I was in a relationship. I signed on to this and I began to experience the hopes and dreams of new found passion and love. Everything was an open book including my life woes and problems, when they did not exist, but once they started to surface I immediately ran deeply within myself, wishing to ride this wave alone. I stand corrected…my lover turned to me and told me things about me I did not dare claim. My lover wished upon a need to want to understand and to know. He absolutely gave himself to me, in circumstances (the attitude, the mood swings) that weren’t exactly conducive to his survival. Everything halted and began to clean itself away, like the rain washed pavements. The night before never existed and the morning after wasn’t a predetermining factor in my afternoon. I slowly began to sense that it was all too heavy, and when I say “it” I am pointing all the fingers at me. I began to sense my life flotation devices no longer being effective in a singular mode, and that past behaviors and thoughts on saving myself were no longer sufficient. The time had arrived when I was to say…I’m not alone. I’m going through something, although experienced on my end it doesn’t take away from love and attention and understanding and support from him. I was never alone. I am not alone. The mood broke, the love spilled fourth. The tears of upset, embarrassment and misbehavior all wiped away. An unaltered, unconditional and new found understanding for one another surfaced.

He mattered

He is showing me things about my love I had no knowledge of. He is showing me things about my love I never dreamed about. He is showing me things about my love I could only experience with him.

I realized that within my vulnerability I saw a glimmer of my strength. I actualized a feeling that I assumed would be listlessly lost with my admission of longing for him. 

I longed for him like no other. I day dreamed about him and recalled an exquisite experience that bonded us together, although it has been a transitional struggle for my mind to finally allow him to seep in I welcomed him.

He is my lover and souls surrender. He is my guide and man of my dream. He is no longer a lettered fantasy, but everything I desire and more.

I sleep to dream for my lover meets me there!

It was all a Dream

I welcomed this month with a sense of unkempt reservations. I have not attained a sense of balance, and so far I have been off kilter and not centered as much. I could pin point particulars, but nothing to define these moments that have led up to my current state of moody contemplation! I like the way that sounds! Although nothing is set in stone and everything and everyone is subject to transitions and changes, it still remains an adjustment to be swallowed within. It can be troubling and mind consuming. The emotions associated with strife, best intentions and not knowing a possible outcome can be unsettling at best. Then again everything that’s unresolved and left to willow itself in the deadened air is not a comforting feeling. But as with everything lived it’s a learning experience and within my unease and discomfort I continue to smile, for the missed placed intimacy and mood breaking kisses, to the resolved issue that left me raw and uncomfortable, to then feel blanketed in love and understanding. It all makes senses when it’s experienced, even unsettling as it may be and seem. I fear not.

A riddled Moment

If memory serves us then so does reflective reminders that we are not prone from distance memories, and that we recall just about everything that has happened to us in an almost sparked revival of just a thought.

I have arrived at a life fixture when my memory serves as a lamp lighting my path ahead, but shielding me from what once stood before me. Although it's behind me, my ears are lightly enticed by previous pullings that stir each cell within my body.

A simple message can be received many ways, and can then form and retranslate into something else. I can not entirely dismiss all, and I can't not entirely deny previous, for in my denial comes my restraint and within my restraint comes my utter state of the unknown.

I question the parallel's within a vertical dimension I reside in. My up has become my laying stance, and my standing upright stance has become my crouching tiger.

I further challenge myself by simply stating it is my life and I am entitled to whatever experience I render, but in my quick judgement and passive behaviors who am I answering to?

So as sleep settles over my reddened eyes, I entertain you. I wish for a different response, I even contemplate taking a guilt trip down memory lane, but absolutely not; for in this newly introduced state of happening I have no control. I will not contour this experience to suit a judging other.

"I don't want brag, but I'll be the best you EVER HAD"

Then What???...No longer the Status Quo!

When you have fed your thirst and silenced the cravings, then what? When you have broken a kiss and turned away from the lips you had connected with, then what? When you have departed from the moment that once held you captive, then what?

Having experienced a lot of "Then What" moments in my lifetime, I haven't really thought about the moments after the disconnection. At one time I isolated my mind on only the time in between and none after. Time was of essence when it was experienced within that limiting moment.

Recently I had to tell myself that the "Then What" was simply a temporary fleeting feeling that would too pass, and when it passed I would be able to put in place moments in time that would matter the most to me, and so I have.

It's never too late to replace former experiences with enhancing experiences. For instance, the enjoyment of your lovers company should not only be limited to the time you spend together, but it should also include the time you are away from one another and the things you do to remind one another of your connection.

A former fear of mine, was being literally so isolated within my relationship that once the connective forces broke apart I would soon be easily thrown for a curve. The curve in the road would ignite feelings of boredom, indescive, a need for self freedom and an almost wanderlust attitude in regards to my relationship, but then I slowly learned to continue to enjoy self, develop patterns and yield to expectations shared and voice in unison. Inclusion over exclusion was my motto, and it's currently sustaining me.

So in my lover's absence I am not disconnected, but connected to the moment that continue to spotlight my day(s), and when we finally settle and meet it all simply works. So effortless and without thought is the shared emotions of two.

Last Night

I was swallowed into the depths of my emotions, by the passion of another; and just not any old passion, but the passion of a lover.

He is not just any old lover, but he is a lover of my mind's design. He is the lover who I will not object to. He is the lover my body and soul has beckoned to, on endless nights and throughout endless dreams I called to him and he has finally arrived.

The kissing and the caressing was never so deep, until he entered me our hearts molded and it became complete. A pack between just us two. Destined for more, as the sunset and the night skies settled between us; I lay in the middle of my bed looking up and exhaling a heartfelt thank you.

Thank you for sending me someone whose inclined to want to delve the depths of self with me. Thank you for allowing me to free my mind from the sorrows of bittersweet and transient moments that were all temporary in passing. 

As he deepened his connection to mine, I opened my eyes and allowed myself to see it all. His mouth to my breast, his movement inside me, his tender caresses on the side of me. My legs encircled his waist, my heart and his heart skipped several beats, but never missed a connective rhythm. Each hip thrust met with a moan. Each mouthed moan swallowed by a deepened kiss.

Having recorded the up and down's of my relationships, to then have a sense of grounded resolve when entering the dating phases of my life; I am presently Thankful! With each intricate and delicate detail I am sharing a piece of my memory, forever blazoned in a burgeoning heart. A memory of not letting my past become a predictor for me, and not allowing my future to continue to further itself on uncharted seas. 

I surrender. 

Comfort Zone

A balance of energy will allow you to settle. The feeling of being a mixed bowl of uncontrollable emotions can get to you, but what allows you to be calm and absolutely in a relaxed and restive state is adhering to your inner self. When you realize that a rush for answers in demanding tones and in an uncharacterirstically way isn't what's needed, then you are left to once again tackle this situation. If I couldn't reslove your slight or hurt I would wonder If I couldn't discern between what was making you upset or bothered in a way I would wonder If I couldn't hear an answer as to why you are experiencing and going through some things then I would still wonder It's in the not knowing that gets me. When its noticable and reflective it becomes stifiling. At times you simply just want the person to blirt everything out, but then again you are being validated and acknowledge, what about their impending issue? A learning lesson towards myself is within allowing the depths of silence and wonderment to run hand in hand, and not worrying about whether I could or can make you happy once again, but my focus would be on detachment and non personlization. Yes it can be difficult to take yourself from out of the situation and simply wait a response, or gradually allow the individual in question to come around to you when ready. What I am learning once again is that not everything requires an answer. Not every slight is meant to deeply sink within the depths of your soul, so as to drown you within someone else's sorrow. It's an emotion, and it will soon pass, but being a solid figure and listening ear is always needed. Sigh

It's within the CHEMISTRY that we question it ALL.

Chemistry can be a connecting factor and a force to reckon with. Chemistry can also be a determining factor in regards to the next steps you wish to pursue with your selected lover. I have found that with my previous to present relationships chemistry has been a major factor resulting in several outcomes. Some of the outcomes resulted in shorter relationships, and other outcomes resulted in the string along effect. This effect occurs when there is no clear concise guidelines and sense of direction within your relationship. At times the string along affect went hand and hand with chemistry, because there was only that slight pull that kept the relationship current and existent. So I ask myself on this date, what it means to have chemistry and a deepened connection. What does it mean to be vulnerable and imperfectly perfect with your significant other? I can’t rely on my past and previous experiences to afford me the answers I have been long awaiting, but what I can do is look to my present and allow my thoughts and reactions to an action become filtered into my chemistry stream of love and more, and demand a deepened experience from myself and significant other. I am looking at chemistry entirely different now, as I am looking at my relationships and the quality over quantity experience. At times I want to simply have at it, and just not think about anything further then what's to be “expected”, but then the connecting force of that good ole chemistry allows me to experience a revolving of so many emotions and feelings, that I am unable to simply see things in a one sided kind of way. So at this very moment I am putting together the pieces of desire, lust and new found interest to passion, like/love and a mutual ecstasy that allows my mind to venture further for more.

Innocence is bliss…

I decided to look at you, and when I looked at you I really looked at you. I looked within in you, and as you spoke to me everything seemed to become clearer. The fear is a self-imposed slum created by myself. Within this fear I am left to venture on my own. I can’t tell you how many times I have allowed this fear to simply swallow an experience. An experience that needed time to grow and space to pace itself out, but no…I simply didn’t want to allow anything to seep within to nurture, develop and grow; I rushed light speed into lust without ever knowing love, and as I look back on the time spent rekindling nothingness I am left in a stilled silence. That was then… Currently, the fear and doubt exist still, but I don’t allow them to outweigh my passion for more. My love for the shared continuation of two lives drawn in unison to fall lovingly together through in-depth experiences carries my soul.

Honestly Speaking...

So I wait all of this time to absolutely become swallowed within myself and fear the developing of another's touch, taste and embrace and shared life experiences with me. I allow life to coincide with my individual needs and wants, but then when life presents a want and a need I have desired after and for, I become lost for words and have a hard time swallowing. My throat aches from the pull of what I know I should be saying, but I don't. I instantly become an active listener and I tune into you, but tune myself out. How do I begin again? Better yet, how do I allow myself to remain in a calm and not so much fixed state? Your responses are not what I am to expect. My reaction towards you are not to be forced. The flowing force of nature and pure life chemistry can not be tested, and I wont tamper with it. I have no doubts and I have no fear. Normalcy resumes I begin to breathe again. my once dry mouth is moistened and my former fears kindly separate from me. Suddenly I am faced with the reality of possibly more. How do I go about recieving him? I can not overwhelm my mind with that thought of what possibly could happen between us. Nothing has even started, but my mind is playing a game of Life...All I know is that feelings of doubt begins to creep in, and I visit all my faults and thoughts in question in regards to a relationship. I literally psych myself out, but this time I don't want to fear it or the start of it. I want to embrace it and allow it to bloom. I don't want to rush it, for whenever I rush no needs get met, only the basic ones and those needs are so limiting. So within this mood swing of sorts, I can honestly say I have checked myself back into normalcy and I await to experience you.

The heart speaks

Whatever it takes to sustain yourself and your specific interest in someone you will continue to do any and everything to maintain your courtship. In depth and in knowing someone so deeply the intimacy can never be denied. There is nothing that we wont do in the name of knowing...

My weekend consisted of a series of intimate thoughts, and not just simplistic wants and needs and desires that could be met; but they consisted of learning to be vulnerable, and no longer battling with WORDs and their individual meanings and impressions within my life. I have learned that being vulnerable doesn't make me weak. Being vulnerable does not allow me to see myself as a secondary option within someone else's life, because I am fearful of letting them go. Being vulnerable does not cloud my judgement or glaze my eyes.

Being Vulnerable allows me to explore the depths of my emotions without feeling as if they will be a burden to another if recognized and asked about them. Being vulnerable allows me to exist within myself comfortably so, allowing me to be.

I embraced this word and it no longer holds me hostage within my thoughts. A breaking of a self silence of so many years of holding back and holding a lot within. To maintain an exterior of a warrior for so long has not allowed any emotional energy to seep in, but ever so often the rains (life tears) continue to create a rust and dents within my armor. My shield and guards have dampened and I am simply left openly and willingly so, but within the disappearance of my wall there is no weakness...

I can be at one within myself

I can openly explore the world before me

I can be vulnerable with NO FEAR

I was humbled

When you think about everything that could possibly go wrong in your life, you become your own worst critic. What was an experience that went terribly wrong becomes an experience that increases in it's pain levels. Each increment of hurt and anguish and "what if" brings you literally to your knees. Your complexion has paled in comparison to it's once sun kissed perfection. To expect the worst is your new norm. Can I tell you that this story has literally defined my life? I have become so engrossed in the possibility of not being able to transcend these tempoary and fleeting moments which are to be expected; to then look further and dig deeper within my heart of all hearts. This story begins with everything happening as expected and then gradually me losing my footing and floating aimlessly to an undefined life line. Pain becomes happiness and being down and deeply indifferent to a sense of change and to challenge oneself to push just a little further remains lost within the original idea of happiness. What humbled me was the innocence of a child, and not just any child, but an individual so dear to me and close to me that our shared blood pulsates through our veins. She is a beautiful being, who is developing into a beautiful soul and young woman. In her life's eye she has been through so much then I have dared to dream and have experienced. She has braved surgeries and continued to dare to dream and live her life like no other. Whenever I was feeling down and doubt about thing I turned to her experience to allow myself to know that whatever fleeting hurtful moment I assumed would be the ending of my world, was only passing and tempoary, and that life had far more hurtles and challenges then the small ones I had deemed battles. I was humbled by her resiliance and acceptance in the role her spirit would play in her life. Just looking into her eyes I saw she was tired, and continuing to heal from her most recent surgery, but she remained steadfast and abreast about the life happenings involving us all. Her gift to dream and divine retreat into the unknown and life's order silenced me. Before I laid down to sleep, I cried deeply. I cried not because I was sad for her or I felt she was any different than anyone else I have known; I cried because of her utter ability to continue to live life accordingly throughout her medical up's and down's. I cried in the strength of her beauty and I felt rejuvenated. I basked in a beauty. I basked in the innocence of youth. I was humbled and looked at everything that happened and occurred to me, towards me and within me as a fleeting and passing moment. There is more to life then what meets our humanistic eyes, and the will to surpass even our very own limitations humbled me. I thank her. I love her.

Life Residuals

I awoke thinking perhaps I should dive right into love. I should simply take my cares to the world and shower myself with limitless love. Glistening passions and intensified moments that all comply into one identifiable experience. I shouldn't overwhelm myself with what could be, I should simply allow what will be to occur. As a constant thinker it becomes increasingly hard to just relax my mind and allow my body to naturally be led towards YOU. There are definite stops along my way of finding YOU, and there are definite pauses in discovering these renewed feelings within me. I can define these feelings and apply them to a thought set and life mode or perhaps even pattern, but I don't want to. I don't want to know...I don't want to think any additionally or further... After all of these years of writing my relationships out I have yet wrote an entry that absolutely showed my reslove with wanting to allow life to simply exist as is with no excuses and exceptions or the dreaded pull of self created pressures. The pressures in life that we create in order to flow effortlessly through these assumed "problems" only create more restrictions and issues, so with that being said I have lifted the veil that constricts me... When speaking to a great friend, she tired of the walls we create as women in regards to meeting new interests. In courtship, everything previously experienced no longer holds our interest or create residuals in our life. The ability to move forward and think new thoughts. IT'S ALL ABOUT THE EXPERIENCE

What Moves ME

A direct stare into my eyes. Reassurance that although our day was long, our night will be even longer. A kiss and caress And being held tightly into your arms as i open my neck to your lips invitations. My neck will forever be your lips place holder, designed to nestle and cradle only you. A quick meal and a shared evening drink or two. The sweetness to bitter mix of wine on our tangled tongues entices even the loneliest of eyes. Our stumbling in between our clumsy hands pulling and tugging our work days clothes away...rushing to the spilling sounds of a delicious waterfall within our bathroom. We channel our travels to Jamaica and Belize and trace back each intricate detail of our well travelled bodies.

The bathroom is filled with floral and almost candy cotton like smells, we pat dry one another and run into our cooled room. The covers smother us as we rest deeply in the middle of our bed, finding grace within our very own bodies. 

What was once dripping wet has

become a cooled dry. You lotion me, and I kiss and lotion you. We lay on one another absolutely still and drawing in on that connective force that has kept us...

You place me to your side and delve into the folds of my world. My head lays back and my eyes close...

Love Battled.

Guarding your emotions for just so long can finally cloak the soul, but when the soul no longers needs covering and when the body and heart want to be revealed how does one respond?

I absolutely was looking forward to this moment. I was simply giddy and excited and wanted it to occur more than anything. I paced arond work and made several circles around myself with excitement. I absolutely wanted more than anything for this moment to occur without any issues or problems, but as with life and planning things out in general nothing can be expected or guaranteed.

In so, my moment of contentment and peace was transformed into utter confusion and chaos. All types of thoughts began to shade my clear logic and mind. I began to pace back and fourth and wonder was it something I had said? Could it have been an accident or something ill occuring that separated him from me for that moment? Everything appeared to be going well just a few days ago, but now it simply appears that he has slipped from my heart's grip. That instant sensation when one can confuse lust with the promise of love. That sensation when I could absolutely bask in his masculine security, knowing that everything would be ok.

In under 48 hours I literally held on to each emotion and moment hoping and dreaming that it wasn't true, and that all would be well and mend well. I then began to question the relationship experience entirely again, and wondered loudly why would I want to involve myself in yet another heartache guaranteed moment, but when he responded it's like everything dissloved into nothingness.

I was pleased to have heard from him, I felt a lot more relief than ever. An overactive and creative mind can definitely do a lot to your brain imagery and down time thoughts. So, where do I go from here? I continue to let my guard down and envision myself in productive experiences and relationships, but yet everything continues to appear as so...not working out. So where do I go from here I ask once more?

How many times can one restart their system and build there tolerance for survival in a battle of love...

If only...

There is a space that exist between only you and yourself. Within this space I can not receive you. You will not move forward or backwards within this space, but remain implanted in the middle of your existence. I can continue to dream about just exactly who you are and will be, but the memory will never remain. 

I stumble on doubt and misconceptions, years of misdirection and no communication...but within this space within would all the doubt end?

No longer troubled about digging deep within your existence and finally finding peace within your space. 

I exist. You exist. We remain...

So they say...IT WAS ALL A DREAM

PREVIOUSLY

If you stare into someone's eyes and engage their mind into an unspoken conversation, will you then find truth in the heart's desire?

If I close my eyes and lay back into the comfort of my bed, will I miss you?

My mind travels to the moment when I discovered my passion for you. I can not clarify love feelings, or feelings of love if I can not understand the mutual desire created between us. The issue at hand remains with letting you in.

You ask me "How can I serve you?" I answer in a way that is not receptive towards you. I answer in a way that has left character and umph to it. Nonchalant and challenging I have become, and why?

PRESENTLY

My trust levels have dampened. I have a lot of reservations, but honestly I remain optimistic that in fact although I am in a love

weakened state it's a temporary situation and will not best me. In fact, my eyes appear clear and free from the love fogs and haze that have previously seeped before me. I shall not fear or doubt, but explore and experience.

FUTURE

If I cross my arms to my heart, lean my head slightly back and fall backwards would you catch me? I have let go and allowed true love, genuine friendship and life experiences to better me. I have allowed you in and absolutely let go...Bliss!

Allowing the Heart to speak volumes

There has never been a time when I left life questioning my own individual motives...as of recent. There hasn't been an occurrence when I literally was left impaled by a decision...as of recent.

So I am sticking to current feelings and know what's best in my life and for my life. A fleeting love will never suit me, an undefined love with no grasp on mutual satisfaction will never keep me.

An in the moment love will never matter to me, because my passions before and after will matter more. 

The reality is I love someone else. I have loved him for awhile, and I denied him for awhile, but I compared the price of my love for another and it just didn't match. To play in love and pretend to be in love is just something I could never do. To grow in love and want a love from you is something I can not do. 

As you read this I want you to ask yourself was it ever love or you loved someone you thought you would never have? As hard as that is to say it was difficult for me to write. I bare no witness to individual slights or name callings, but I do know what we had was never love. The enjoyment of ones company and companionship was what I experienced. I thought I loved you, but when I started to dislike you I knew I never loved you I just assisted the fantasy life of marriage and kids and a shared union knowing I would stay as long as my attention held me.

I have gathered my life from the depths of my souls from the love ridden and life lessoned experiences as if seasoned with only life's disappointments. I have started to build steam and encouragement and grasp my fresh start and in this you was not included. 

I am sorry to have let this go on, but it's done. 

Mercy...Mercy...ME

You open my door and walk towards me...I am lying on my bed partially dressed and awaiting your longed for touch.

I don't know if it was the combination of the music and pepperment oil, but all I know is that my body was guided to complete satisfaction by you. My body and your body combined to bring the intensity of an unbreakable bond between us. I longed to touch you and embrace you and kiss you...I don't have to tell you how I liked to be touched, because you already know this. I don't have to adjust my own comfort levels, because I already know you. Lovers from before and after, lovers continually seeking out each other, lovers loving one another.

The after effects of your touches is irreplacable. I slept so soundly next to you. I stayed up until your breathing relaxed and your sleep induced snores began. our bodies beside one another in still induced unison. I am comforted with and within you, and during our passion induced state I forgot just how much I had missed you, and even in our time apart our bodies never strayed away. I did wonder if perhaps we would be clumsy restless newly found lovers, attempting to figure out our bodies, but low and behold when our intimacy and passion began to build there was nothing that I had forgotton, nor you.

Trail kisses up and down my spin, my hair all in my face, your arms moving up and down my sides, cupping my full breasts and erect nipples. You turn me over and lay me on my back and suckle my breasts..each breasts recieving absolutely the most attention as one another. You lick and suck the in between of chest and move your mouth ever so lower. The pleasure recieved from YOUR mouth, tongue, lips and hands to your fingertips moved me to convulsions. You spread and enter me. You guide and tease me. You place pressure ON ME and hold me. You bind and unbind me. I ride you. I cum for you. I cum for me.


MERCY

Lost of words, and absolute lost for control. Our bodies battled one another until utter completion.

You Ready Baby...

I could absolutely eat you alive. I could lick my lips and recall each thrust you made within the depths of my feminine passions. I could lick a path down from your cheek to chin to the side of your neck and slowly encircle my lips around your nipples, to slowly guide my lips and kisses to your manly pleasure and passion...

I absolutely adore the eroticism of you. I simply adore the contentment and kept feeling of being surrounded by you. Held and encircled in your strong embrace. You not wavering with your emotional connection and obvious adoration of and for me. I allow myself to slip into your embrace.

To make believe that you was just a figment of my passion teased and longed for desired mind...I finally caught a glimpse of the superior feeling of unbridled desires. I wasted no time wanting my body to connect and feel yours. I waited up and planned my erotic night, knowing that you would not leave any place on my body untouched, unlicked and unkissed.

I could simply give up my wandering and unsatisifed affections just to engulf and experience a life time of YOU. So drawn and concrete on my physical attraction and continued interest and aroused state when I am around you...I have become captivated and a slave to your body and passions.

Wanting and needing and desiring you all in one setting. Could I still absolutely

eat you alive?

Allow me to chase my kisses onto your body with well placed licks and sucks. Delving and tasting as if I am never to experience this again. It almost feels this way when we have completed our union and lay holding onto each others sex sweated sides.

My morning touches begins with you, and my night wishes end with you.

All I want is YOU

"As you undress me with your eyes know that there is more to what you see. Taking in all of my voluptuous glory, you will find no need to look astray; for I am all of yours for the taking. With each beat of my heart and pulsating vein you will know my desire for you..."

Awaken by the realization of my dream. I dreamt of making love, and not just any love...but absolutely so engaged in a trance of love making that I completely forgot the process of starting my day. I almost turned around and closed my eyes once again to visualize my lover. I wanted to remember his face, his name, his body, his scent and everything about him that literally drove me to want to remain in this dream-like state.

It's never easy being awoken from a dream that you want to experience each and everyday. I wonder when will be the next time I will actually experience this moment, but not in want or craving but in an actualized setting of sensual seduction every woman is entitled to experience.

Yes, my dreams are something else as I am!

Get Back UP

Sewing some oats and binding some forbidden ties I recognized that I continued to run into the same old bricks of the forbidden love life. The love life that I continued to image and dream about, with people who could not support or sustain my dream. Continually loving the unloveable, the jaded and the romantically uninclined male to lastly being seen in the eyes of another as a secondary motive and mention. What more could I possibly say and do? What more could I possibly want? Hey, I have my other faucets and areas of life that I continually excel at. Could this one section out of my life just be my overall demise and downfall?

I could go on and on about the disappointment and the discouraged feelings, but then as with everything and with life it's a learning tool. A tool to be utilized when you are at your lowest peak. A tool to be utilized when you are finally recognizing what exactly has been developing and brewing all along.

The art of forgiveness goes hand in hand with love. The art of letting things go, alongside with realizing just what we are departing with allowed me to realize just why I continued these cycles and more. I can not thank my many failed attempts and experiences enough. I can absolutely open my eyes and world, especially my heart to the challenges that have been faced and will be faced with. I can humbly attest to where I went astray at and what exactly I was looking for.

Daddy disappointment...First male example in my life failed me.
Motherly disappointment...She never stood up for herself and recieved the love she deserved
Relationship disappointment...Each new experience flowed from the bad experiences...no changes
Personal disappointment...Fear of being simply myself, low self esteem and no self structure


To write out my pains. To define my ailment... To see that perhaps I never had a positive relationship with myself, my family and lastly my relationships...it seems I never had a chance. A sadness and awareness in the inevitable came over me...but then I started feeling as if life has never stopped and that for each challenge and presenting factor faced I dealt or currently am dealing with. There is no time frame for healing. We meet our own individual life demands.

For the knowledge and information I was afforded I remain truly blessed. For each tear a smile crept upon my face. For each line crossed within the sands of my time I can admit to no longer wanting impulsive without a recourse of my actions. Controlled, clear and concise is what motivates and molds me.

In stillness you will find just exactly what you was looking for...

It happened...




The moment when I was faced with seeing, hearing and knowing all, but knowing nothing at all. The moment when my mind took over and silenced my inner gut reactions of having an emotional overload and melt down of feelings; feelings that were designated onto all forms of my past. Ex boo, ex love, ex ex and simply non justifiable relationships. My mind went numb…

It takes a lot of courage to write about your relationship downfalls, self-observations and over experience with love and when in love, but what stood out the most to me is finally hearing that answer I have been looking for all of this time. There is no need to upset myself or get bent out all over shape at what previously existed and had transpired within my life. All I could do was wish the ill thoughts away, pray for a better outlook and overall outcome and peace and stillness revolved around me.

There is nothing like the chase. There is nothing in comparison to wanting to be wanted by many, desired by a few and loved by one; then again there is nothing wrong with continually experiencing life on demand rather than awaiting a wish or occurrence that may never occur if you would have not ventured out and taken that risk.

Throughout the down side and moments in my time, the upside and calmness presented itself and I finally felt the calm. The instant I allowed myself to visually ingest what I saw, I applied it presently to where I am at currently in my life. Nothing will move forward or progress forward in life without my permission. The permission for me to feel hurt, to feel less than, to feel unworthy, to feel denied has all been dismissed.

I will no longer operate erratically and based entirely on emotions only. I am at peace.



Namaste

To love and linger and move right on along...

It's so easy to let go of something that serves no life purpose for me. It's amazingly simple to justify why this and that one wont work out in my best long term interest; and even so with saying that I find myself longing for you. Your memory remains etched in my mind and mended to my heart. There hasn't been no one like, similar, resembling or even cutting it a little close to my memory of you.


In distance and inability to make your most attempts at seeing ME as I am, I have come to feel disappointment in your perception of me. Assumingly my personal interest's are entirely different from your very own interests, but have you ever really asked me about my interest's in comparison to yours? Have you really taken the time to address the differences and find a common meeting point of two different but distinct personalities?

This fantasy relationship I am feeling and am engaging in has run many courses, and yet my battle to refrain from loving you never lasts too long. I continue to look for the meaning of why you entered my life? Your purpose in my life? Is it to have loved and lost you and transitioned on or is it to show you a form of love different from what you have known? Always the optimistic and looking for the brighter shade of the darkened sky line, I can admit that I am still searching for these answers and more.

To lose you might be the best way to transition from you. To love you openly while being shirked from you is another way I was attempting to see this experience and relationship through, but I am broken. I have literally questioned my very own interests, and at times blamed my upbringing (Mother's relationship's, sisters relationships) and my own relationship experiences for the failure to move along, but as I write this I ended something recently that I made my most attempts to see the relationship experience through, but it served no purpose for me physically and intimately or emotionally. How I ended that so, but yet can't let you alone or go?

How I used

to handle letting go of someone was completely forgetting their existance and moving forward with another relationship or intimate experience, but then I realized that you can't forge ahead until you have entirely dealt with as much issues you are experiencing within before you can move forward and along. Instant gratification has benefited me in more than one way, but it has served me as false hope. So yet again I am facing a slippery emotional slope, but the difference this time is that I am dealing with it. I am living with it. I am forgiving it.

There is meaning for it all after all…

There is no confusion and misunderstanding. There is no ability to resume normalcy as if the in between never existed. The in between has become the pink elephant in the room.

If only I could place a shawl, scarf or even a hat over the obvious then maybe I could resume a false sense of normalcy and just exist, but life has a funny way of showing me otherwise. When I am not really giving my all or putting that extra umph into something it becomes obvious. My moods become unmanageable and I begin to display an attitude of general appeasement. It’s as if the essence of me has been zapped right out so once again I am left fighting the feeling of just feeling, because I don’t want to pretend to feel…you feel me?

SO when faced with presenting the truth and not compromising yourself and love standards you drummed up literally in the past year and a half you start to feel your faith tested and smudged all up in your face. Your ideals and ways to go about life becomes passing standards easily wavered by the beckoning erotic calls and memories bought about from previous experiences. Everything that you have previously owned and known no longer exists within you. Its like accepting change has bought about consequences of no turning back, and within these consequences I have been left to figure things out.

Once again I am left to envision what all the talked about change has brought before me…

An unknown me may appear to be a lost me, but I envisioned this new me to be placed before me so I could SEE just exactly who I was and have grown to be. My acceptance and tolerance of substandard partnerships and romantic experiences has almost cast me villainous in my pursuit of happiness. If only they could see and understand that I have parted with just being and just accepting anything and anyone, and that just maybe I could experience the sensations and feelings I know to be true. Of course I will continually hear that perhaps I made a too quick judgment call or relied on ever changing emotions and feelings that perhaps were slightly present, but needed more development and time to be it’s ultimate healer.

If you ever felt and experienced love before than you know it wasn’t patient and fragile, but prominent and ever present and strong. The connection would be so intense and revealed beforehand on all levels and not lagging on some that it could never be questioned.

So in essence what can be contested is your lesson…Move along. 

No set answer, no single pathway or road…You Define your experience!

Who ever coined the phrase “You will know, when you know” must not have experienced the knowing of several factors of the unknown. At first we identify with a feeling and tie it into an expected emotion and response. Having already defined the “expected” experience for ourselves, however, another option of how to handle the unknown and here enters an opportunity for a new way of seeing things and newly defined outcomes which then throws the first initial feeling and response of “Knowing when you know…” right out of the window.

I could possibly look at these moments as simply not really knowing whatever I think I should know, but then once I become familiar I then take the time to examine and redefine already steady life occurrences that was absolutely cluttering my mind with complexities of phrases and sentence forms all too impersonal to speak about. I wanted a reaction for each action I embarked on. I wanted to know that there was a possibility in things that perhaps initially only received the “to be expected outcome”. I finally wanted to know that there was no exact path to take, just my willingness to want to redefine and rediscover it all again.

So then again I am thrown into the mindset of perhaps I can’t know or prepare and expect anything in life; and that every chance meeting and opportunity that presents itself already was charted in my life and that all that was left to do was experience and define my yellow brick road.

From the upsets and disappointments to moments of endless dreams and occurrences I realized that going according to what I believe and expected to happen and occur is not necessarily the ideal way, but it is one of the ways to look at things and not the only objective and expected outcome.

So overall I may know what I know when it may happen for me, but I do know that it’s not the only experience that will lay an impression on me, and I can not only rely on one opportunity and expected outcome only. I must and WILL branch out.

Good-bye to feelings of guilt and good-bye to feelings of being exclusive and obligated to one. Happiness was never granted by one person, and for one to attempt to tie up your entire ALL with their displays of attention and affections, well it’s a bit off putting.

Whoever coined the phrase “Don’t place all your eggs in one basket” surely knew exactly what I was writing about.